Overdue

by HadenXCharm

The aftermath of their first night was only the beginning. When is Renji going to finally figure this thing out? Read for a straightforward tale of a dead guy's troubles with a virginal human boyfriend, a downward spiral, and the ever-looming crossroads. Now with more angst, humor, and sex than ever before. [Sequel to Premature]

2. Chapter 2

. . .

Renji spent the rest of the next week and a half working and fit in a couple visits with his favorite person in the world, Rukia. Now that she was a captain, he liked to wink at her in meetings and give her piggybacks around her division when she was speaking to her squad, y'know, so everyone could see her. The bloom of happiness at having her back in his life hadn't yet worn off over the past few years, and he didn't expect it would for some time to come. Every day he thanks his lucky star to have her back.

Well, that, and Ichigo.

Anyways, having known each other almost all their lives, Rukia could pick up on the tiniest hint of his distress, as one night when they were having dinner, she gave him a knowing look when he stared at his plate for too long without taking a bite and then said, "I'm sure he's coming back soon."

"I don't miss him!" Renji blurted, sitting up straighter, then covered badly, "I mean, who is? I mean-" He mentally groaned, then finally said, "... Why do you ask?"

Rukia gave him a wry smile, twisting her fist into his arm. "I didn't ask anything! You just looked down in the dumps."

"I'm not." Renji put his head on his hand. "... Rukia?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever thought you were doing the right thing and then looked back and realized it was a mistake?"

"Yes."

"And then you try as hard as you can to fix it, and once you think you're finally on the right track, you start to realize that you're fucking it all up again anyways?"

"... What's this about?"

Renji shook his head and continued, "And no matter how hard you try after you've realized that, it feels like none of it even matters?"

Rukia just looked at him for a long time. "No. Why."

"Nothing, I'm just asking," Renji said.

"Oh. Well." Rukia gave a small shrug. "I think it's all about where a person's heart is. If your heart's in the right place, things will come right eventually."

"You're right, you're right." Renji put a hand to his forehead for a moment or two and then sighed, "Ah Rukia, what'm' I gonna' do?"

"What do you mean?"

Renji looked at his plate for a minute or so, then shrugged, beginning to eat. He can tell Rukia anything, and yet…

"Never mind. Don't think about it."

"He'll be back soon," Rukia insisted, placing her hand on his arm, and Renji smiled back. "He never stays away for very long."

"I know."

"I'm sure he misses you just as much."

"Yeah."

"Whatever's bothering you, it'll come right in time."

"Yeah. I know. Thanks Rukia."

Usually talking with Rukia lifted his spirits, but more than ever, Renji felt like he didn't know what to do, didn't know how to be honest with the ones he cared most about. He could hardly admit the truth to himself, it was so painful. More than ever it seemed like every time he told the truth, he just ended up hurting people – but don't think about it, just get on with it.

He'd promised Ichigo to stop feeling guilty – and he has, he's not guilty about their age difference anymore, honestly. But there was something else. No, don't think about it.

Anyways, any time he had a particularly bad fit of guilt, since he couldn't talk to Ichigo about it without breaking his promise, that meant he had to chase it away on his own. Feeling guilty or sad felt like a betrayal, so to make it up to Ichigo – despite him not knowing that there was anything to make up for in the first place – every time he had bad thoughts that lingered for too long, Renji would find some way to spoil Ichigo.

Ichigo came back to Seireitei in a few days just as Rukia had said, although Renji had never been in doubt on that score. His spirits lifted with his return; in fact, as usual, Ichigo was more affectionate after being apart for a time, and followed him around from morning to night, which had Renji feeling quite contented, and even more willing to do something special.

He'd had a lot of time to think over the week about their night of love and what could be done differently to make it easier for Ichigo, but at this point, he had the attitude that what they needed most was repeated practice, something he was enthusiastic about. Despite his years of careful restraint, Renji loved bagging Ichigo, even if his skills were completely negligent given his age and inexperience. One thing he hadn't tried was actively seducing Ichigo. Sure, he'd shown him a bunch of new things, but he hasn't done anything to really excite him, and considering it was also one of those times that he felt he should indulge Ichigo, it was the perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

He knew exactly what to do. Ichigo wasn't really open with his fantasies, but Renji paid attention, and he distinctly remembered the times Ichigo had suggested or actually tried to mess around in his office, and although Renji would normally be completely averse to the mere idea, he's been feeling weird and sad lately, and well… don't think about it. Just do it. It'll be fun.

Renji let his plan lie for a few days, instead going about his normal routine and letting it linger in the back of his mind until it was fully formed, vaguely uncomfortable. It felt somewhat wrong. Whatever, Ichigo would like it. In the meantime he paid Ichigo extra attention, and in penance for his dark thoughts, he sought him out in the midday during his lunch break and sucked Ichigo off, then watched him stumble away with a loopy grin.

The guys have been bugging them again, more than usual. It was obvious enough that they'd started getting intimate after Ichigo's coming-of-age, and they all made sure to get a word in about how their attitudes had both improved with sex. It hasn't bothered Renji in a while, but it got under his skin a little now, what with his plan and all. He'd just have to get through it and not feel bad about it until afterwards.

When he finally could not stop thinking about it one afternoon as he was working, Renji decided to just get it over with.

He looked up from his desk, feeling tight at every joint, every muscle tensed and pained. Ichigo was in the office with him again, lounging around on the couch and reading a book, quietly minding his own business. The tempting thoughts came through one by one, and with a sense of uneasiness, Renji tugged at his collar, feeling hot all over.

Oblivious and innocent, Ichigo lay on his back, one leg propped up, his foot occasionally bouncing with pent-up energy. Despite Ichigo's calm silence, Renji found himself distracted anyways, and he kept glancing up and staring at the handsome profile of Ichigo's young face, the glow of the sun through the window on his cheek, the flick of his brown lashes as his eyes darted about the page as he read.

Tense and sick, Renji finally cleared his throat and squirmed. "Oi, Ichigo," he called.

"Hm?" He looked up for a moment, marking his place with his finger. It was stupidly clear that he had no idea at all what was coming.

"Oi, come sit on my leg," he rasped, achingly hard.

"What?"

"Just do it."

Ichigo seemed to understand then, because all he said was, "Oh," and he immediately abandoned his reading. Renji swallowed and stared at his paperwork, pretending to concentrate as he walked over.

The guys all still gave him a bit of good-natured teasing, and admittedly, it was bothering him now because he'd suddenly remembered that lap joke from ages ago. To be honest, that one had bothered him the most, and had been the first thing to send him on his downward spiral – maybe because there was truth in it. He does. He does – Renji wanted Ichigo to sit on his lap, and he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it for the past week since he decided to get with Ichigo in the office.

He thought about it when he was alone sometimes, writing reports or reading, to have Ichigo sitting in his lap, in his arms, warm and comforting, and then other times, when he lets his mind wander to sex, he'll think of Ichigo facing him, legs around his waist, the weight of his body pressing his bottom down into his groin. He'll think of kissing him and holding him in his lap and bouncing him on his hips.

Thank god Ichigo had nothing to say about it, instead coming wordlessly with his book and squirming behind Renji's desk, because he didn't really make a space for him, ignoring Ichigo fiercely. Ichigo eventually shoved him enough to make room for himself and sat on his leg, just above the knee on the left side. Admittedly, it would've been nicer to have Ichigo straddle his thigh, but both of Ichigo's knees were modestly together. Renji cleared his throat again, but slowly drew an arm out around Ichigo's middle and tugged him in, scooting closer to his desk until Ichigo's back brushed his chest. He rested his chin on Ichigo's shoulder and kept scanning his various documents. Ichigo read his book, or at least pretended to as convincingly as Renji pretended to keep working.

Yeah, you know what? This was great. This was going to be a blast.

"Mm," Renji sighed, pressing his nose into Ichigo's shoulder and cuddling him as he signed his name very slowly. Ichigo sat with a straight spine, pretending not to notice his erection, but Renji could hear his breathing getting heavier.

Eventually, Renji began panting and squirming, and wondered if Ichigo had suspected that he'd been hard this entire time. It was admittedly beginning to ache and throb, and even his discipline was beginning to falter into complete distraction.

Finally, giving up the facade, Renji set down his pen and leaned back from his desk, and, leaving his arms open, watched Ichigo where he sat between his legs. Fuck, he loved looking at that, just imagine how it would look with the both of them naked. Once they figured things out, he'd like to have sex with him like this, with Ichigo on top of him – maybe turned around so he could kiss him and feel his pert little butt while they made love.

Ichigo turned to him a little, enough to look him in the eye, and deliberately moved back in his lap, setting his weight on Renji's hips, between his spread legs. He looked embarrassed but really aroused: Renji's favorite look on Ichigo other than a smile.

Renji immediately gave a relieved sigh at the plush pressure of his perfect bottom, he loves Ichigo's bottom, so squeezable and round with muscle – it turned into a tight and stuttered grunt when Ichigo adjusted his weight, squirming somewhat and clearing his throat, letting his head drop.

Renji let his head fall back for a moment or two and closed his eyes, smiling – ahhh, it feels good – then scooted his chair in. Ichigo acted as though nothing were amiss other than his pink cheeks, and picked up Renji's brush, rifling through his paperwork. Renji let out a deep hum, pressing a hot kiss to the back of his neck. He gripped Ichigo's sides and rocked and pressed his hips against Ichigo's rear.

Ichigo went really still and quiet as footsteps passed by the door, and Renji immediately felt like a twenty-something kid again, blood racing with excitement as he continued sucking on Ichigo's neck. The risk of being caught was quite the thrill.

When the steps died away, Ichigo started to get into it, panting and sighing as Renji pawed at his chest and snuck a hand down to fondle him shamelessly. Young undisciplined guy that he was, he got hard almost immediately, his cock forming a hot little bump under Renji's palm.

'You don't like the idea of fucking around in your office?'

Renji bit Ichigo's ear and felt warm inside at the resounding stuttered cry and the way Ichigo went all limp and jelly-like in his arms. 'I do. I like that idea.' He blindly untied Ichigo's obi, licking and sucking on his neck, holding Ichigo's head still with one hand loosely wrapped around his throat. He could feel his hard swallow against his palm.

When he got Ichigo's hakama open and his fundoshi pulled down, he spat in his hand and jerked Ichigo off a bit, kissing at his face all the while and then simply squeezing him in his arms for a minute to give him a tight kiss on the cheek.

"What about Captain Kuchiki?" Ichigo rasped in bewildered excitement as they separated for a moment, eyes bright and uncertain.

"Forget Kuchiki-Taichou," Renji hissed, letting his voice go deep, coming from his chest like it always did when he was really turned on. "Fuck me on the desk."

Ichigo audibly gulped.

He hopped up to let Renji stand, and took a nervous step back, but quickly got into it when Renji seized him with both hands and kissed him hard, kissing back and sighing sweetly – he's wonderful, Renji loved everything about him, his smell, his soft lips, the stringy lean line of his body in his arms, the emotion that Ichigo poured into his touches and kisses. "What's with you today?" Ichigo gasped, "You're so…" he grunted as Renji pressed his cock against him, thrusting his body onto him eagerly, "... into it," Ichigo finished.

"I'm just a spontaneous guy," Renji panted with a grin, and before Ichigo could say anything to the contrary, he kissed him senseless, twining their tongues together and cupping the back of Ichigo's soft head in his hand.

When they broke apart, they stared at each other for a moment, Ichigo with dull dazed eyes and a slack mouth and Renji with a hungry lick of the lips, and then both burst into movement, trying to undress and make a space. Ichigo capped Renji's ink bottle and moved his papers to the sides of the desk, then just threw the wet brush to the floor. He gripped the edge of the tabletop and shook it a bit to test the sturdiness, and by the time he turned back, Renji had his pants down and knelt in front of him to suck his cock. "Ohhh-ahhh," Ichigo cried, moaning airily and holding Renji's head in gentle stroking hands, his knees and hips trembling. Renji smiled, mouth full. He loved pleasuring Ichigo – the kid's so… appreciative.

Pulling back with a gasp of relish, Renji stood again and spat in his hand. He jammed two fingers inside himself to work off the initial tightness, and then bent over his desktop, gripping the far edge. "C'mon, put it in."

"Haah," Ichigo moaned out loud, "Right now? Already?"

"Yeah, you won't hurt me, just c'mon." Renji flashed a grin over his shoulder, but Ichigo was already behind him, close enough to smile against his ear as he fit them together. Renji arched his back to twist and kiss him, and to push his ass out to meet Ichigo's hips better. Ichigo leaned back a bit to glance down, his fuzzy head resting on his shoulder. Renji could feel him pressing his wet cock onto him. The skin was catching and dragging, but aaah, the stretch felt good, c'mon, Ichigo, just shove it in! Renji could feel his pulse in his asshole – god, he hasn't been fucked to satisfaction in so long.

"It's not taking," Ichigo noted tightly, easing back from pushing against him. "That- that means it's not ready, right? Should I stop?"

"No, just force it, it feels good."

"Are you sure that's okay?"

"Yeah, trust me."

"Okay… coming in now," Ichigo gasped. Renji reached back to hold his ass on both sides and pull apart as Ichigo thrust forward.

"Yeaaah," he groaned with a grin as the head of Ichigo's cock breached and pushed inside. Ichigo moaned shakily and shoved all the way in, sealing his hips to his back and holding him under the arms.

"Ohh," Ichigo sighed as Renji ground back against him and braced himself against the desk. After a few shaky breaths, Ichigo let his arms move down a bit, and he held Renji around the middle, chin over his shoulder, and pressed against him a few times. "You, you're so good," he exhaled, and Renji can feel the way his legs wobble. "It feels so damn good."

"Harder," Renji demanded, and when Ichigo still went too timidly, he said, "C'mon, make me really feel it, fuck, yeah, harder-" until Ichigo was thrusting at a reasonably firm pace, their bodies hitting together with muffled slaps. "Ngggh," he groaned, grinning and letting his voice jolt each time Ichigo bounced him forward, "Aa-aa-aaa-uhh-yea-ah-"

"Renji," Ichigo gasped, holding onto him, "Oh god, Renji."

"Hmmm." Renji lay his chest against the desk, pleased when Ichigo gripped his hips with his shaky, stupidly sweaty hands and gave it his best, bumping his hips against Renji's ass until he showed the tell-tale signs of approaching orgasm.

Renji reached back and took two rough handfuls of Ichigo's ass, yanking on him to get him to go harder, "C'mon," he urged, and Ichigo sped up a bit, panting and bending over onto him with a final moan. Renji let his forehead thud onto the desktop, breathing heavily.

"Aw damnit," Ichigo breathed a few seconds later, pulling out so Renji could stand. When he did, moving to collapse in his chair, with Ichigo coming down hard on top of him, he saw that Ichigo looked unashamed this time, but still very frustrated.

"What's your huff."

"... Wish I could go for longer," Ichigo mumbled into his shoulder, still gasping and heaving, brow beaded with sweat. Renji smiled a bit and pet his head, but his insides are still pounding with his rushing pulse. "I don't like it to be over so fast… I just…" He gesticulated to illustrate his point, "I get so excited, I can't help it, and I- I try to stop, but… Mmph," he finished, helped Renji through to completion, and then stood to fix his clothes with dramatically irritated movements.

Renji snorted.

After giving his cock a last few strokes, he ran his hand between his legs and flung it at the floor, then wiped it on his sock. He tied his own hakama up and redid his hair, using his bandanna to wipe his forehead, then gave a long sigh. He knew Ichigo was going to keep having insecurity issues like this, about his stamina, about his penis size, about his skills as a lover, until Renji leveled the playing field and showed him he wasn't the only guy in the world who'd started out a know-nothing pathetic kid. With a sense of mental exhaustion, he admitted to himself that he was going to have to tell the story. Fuck, Ichigo was never gonna' let him hear the end of this.

"So, I'm gonna' tell you something embarrassing." Ichigo's head popped up, first in curiosity, but then his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"C'mon, c'mere and sit on my knee," Renji coaxed with a grin. It wouldn't be so bad. Anything was better than seeing Ichigo's shoulders droop like that.

"A story?" Ichigo said flatly, and there was that cute scowl.

"Yeah. An embarrassing one. But you can't give me shit."

"Says who, you just laughed at me! " Ichigo accused.

"Not a lot," Renji tried to bargain.

"Just tell me."

Renji rolled his eyes, scooting up to his desk and planting his elbow on it. "So, did I ever tell you I was a wakashū?" Once Ichigo was done tying up his pants, he came and rested his bum on the side of his desk, folding his arms, still breathing a little hard and glowing with satisfaction.

"Wakashū," Ichigo said with a frown, and then there was a moment of recognition and Renji knew he was in for it. "You mean like… being a fuckboy?"

"Pff-" Renji spat indignantly, cheeks filled with air, "Don't call it that!" He tried to explain it more rationally, but the words wouldn't readily come, with Ichigo giving him a sudden sly smile, the little brat! "Like, like-!"

"Gay samurai in training!" Ichigo finished, giving an expression like he had it all figured out, holding one finger up.

"Quit making a face like that makes sense! This is like the Gin Tonbo thing all over again!"

"You mean the Silver Slug?"

"NO! Look- Whatever!" Renji shook his head and groaned. "I shouldn't have told you anything." Ichigo gave a light laugh and then frowned deeply, hand to his chin in thought.

"Wait, so if you were a wakashū…" he began.

"Yeah, look, technically, but I didn't do the dressing up part, only the sex with an older man while in training to be a better warrior part."

"So..." Ichigo grimaced, looking at him like he'd never seen him before. "Don't tell me that means Ikkaku was your nenja…"

"Whoa, no way!" Renji blurted, making an 'x' with his hands and sputtering, "Never! No! "

"Well, that narrows it down to… Hisagi, or Byakuya- and there's no way."

Fucking kid was way too smart. "Look, it's not important who- The point of this story is," Renji grumbled in exasperation, "There was this one time in the beginning that I got so worked up that I may have done worse than what you did the first time."

Ichigo frowned. "The only thing worse than what I did would be to cum before even putting it-" He stopped suddenly, mouth still open on his next word, and he stared at Renji hard, the edges of his mouth beginning to quiver in a smile. His shoulders began to shake and he snapped a hand to his mouth.

"... I told you not to laugh."

"I'm not laughing."

"Ichigo."

"I'm not."

"You fucking bastard, I'm gonna' be so rough on you later."

"No, you aren't." Ichigo grinned, and for a moment, with the sun coming through into his hair, turning it bright yellow-gold, and the light glowing in his brown eyes and lighting them amber, he looked so full of light and laughter and strength that Renji felt breathless.

"..." Finally, after staring at him for long enough that Ichigo cocked his head in confusion, he cleared his throat and said rather stupidly, "Do you feel better?" his voice low and devoid of previous anger.

"Yeah."

"Good." Ichigo headed for the door, and Renji pointed at him. "Friday. Train hard."

"Friday," Ichigo repeated, a spring in his step and the ghost of his past smile on his face in the way that his forehead and chin was no longer creased by his constant scowling, and he carried that glow with him in his eyes.

He shut the door, and Renji smiled after him for a moment, two, then put his head in his hands, and all he can think for a moment, chest convulsing in pain, was, 'I never should've told you.'

That day, after the war, under the trees, in the yard – 'I never should've told you that I love you.'

. . .

Renji couldn't sleep for two nights in a row, and on the third, he didn't bother even laying his head down, instead neglecting to return home after the workday ended. He'd stayed as long as was acceptable, and after that, had begun walking.

It had long since gotten dark, and Renji was still out, wandering in the night. He could feel the light of the moon on his shoulders.

As much as he tried to stop thinking of Ichigo, he couldn't escape it. Even out here in the open air, Ichigo is there, in every sliver of grey light, in every moonbeam. He's there in the cloudless sky, watching him run – staring down on his cowardly heart.

No matter how long he walked or how tired he got, how much his shoulders and eyelids drooped, Ichigo was still there in his mind. Zangetsu was there in the sky, calling out to his soul, poised to slay, and over the mindless hours of trying to forget, Renji had come to learn something. Zangetsu didn't just mean the Slaying Moon; it also meant death.

Renji doesn't know what will happen when Ichigo dies. Nobody does.

And Ichigo will die. But nobody knows what's going to happen.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. It's this obsession that runs through his brain on repeat whenever the excuses of his job and friends don't distract him, and sometimes even then. He shouldn't have made Ichigo love him. He shouldn't have told him. He shouldn't have changed the course of Ichigo's life. He should've just let Ichigo live his life naturally, without steering him wrong. But it was too late now – far too late, and Ichigo wasn't going to leave him, not until the glow of young love matured and dimmed into nothingness.

'It's not a phase,' Ichigo would insist, 'It's not a phase!' and as inclined as Renji was to believe him – as much as he wished he could – that only made it worse. If Ichigo's feelings didn't end up fading over all that time, which seemed only more likely as time went by, considering the strength and loyalty of the kid's heart, then…

Then what were they gonna' do?

That would be such a lonely life to live. Ichigo was a human, and Renji keenly understood the pain Ichigo would go through, growing older and older and going inbetween worlds, one side never changing, the other aging with him yet moving along without him. No, he couldn't live such a life devoid of substance, dipping his foot in both and never fully immersing in either.

No. Ichigo had to decide, and Renji knew deep down that he wouldn't stay here. He would have to go. Ichigo had a human's heart and he loved his home and his family. There would eventually have to be a sad goodbye, wouldn't there – and if Ichigo still kept on loving him, he'd say something like, 'Not forever. I'll see you again once I'm dead and gone. I'll come back to you, I swear on my soul. Once I die, I'll come back to you.' – and if he decided to stay in the living world, he would die and go away. That human heart, like every other, no matter how strong, how pure, how good, would turn to dirt; worthless. And what would happen then?

If Ichigo died a human, what would happen? Would he be left lost in the Rukongai with no memory like everyone else? Why should Ichigo be so special as to bypass an unavoidable fact of nature? When Ichigo died, there would be no seeing him again. There would be no 'I'll come back to you.' He would be gone forever, lost on the wind, sand in Renji's fingers. Renji would never find him, one soul among billions, and even if he did, their shared memories were unsalvageable. Ichigo would never remember him, he'd never remember their promise or their love or any of the things they did together.

Or even more terrible, if Renji were to become worse than dirt and beg Ichigo to stay, if he were to convince Ichigo to come be with him, come to his world and stay forever – what if Ichigo were to make the ultimate sacrifice for him and die young and stay young like this with him and never know what he could've had in the human world. Places never seen, people never met, a family never had, great things that a great person could have done in the place he was born to, the place he was meant to be, the place he never should have left.

To know for the rest of their time together in death that he had robbed Ichigo of that life, or to lose him forever – he didn't know which was more unbearable.

And he couldn't decide, and he can't stop thinking about it. 'If I'd just never said anything to you – I never should have told you.' He can't decide, and that day will come when they meet the fork in the road. He can't tell Ichigo, he can never tell him of this fear of that day when they come to the crossroad – because that day will come and Ichigo'll have to make a decision. He might not have to today, or next week, or next year, but he will eventually, and then Renji will have to accept one of those unbearable endings.

Renji knew it was also possible – and his panic told him that it was very likely – that it wouldn't even come to either of those extremes. Young love faded far more quickly. He was lucky if he got five short years before the blindness of that love dissipated and Ichigo moved on to other things, to his real life.

But don't think about that now. Just look at the slim line of his body before it fills out, the remaining softness in his face before it leans, the yet uncreased skin around his scowling eyes and brow, feel his pure sweet heart before it changed irreversibly with age and wisdom and maturity. Smell the flower while it's in bloom, make it last.

Look at the moon and think of him as much as you can, so that once he's gone, you can remember him as close to perfectly as you possibly can. Don't think about the end. Don't think about the end no matter what.

Renji walked around in a daze, feeling half-dead, the shocks of his footfalls traveling numbly up his legs and the back of his skull. The impacts rattle his teeth. He can't feel anything past a numb panic and a gnawing empty feeling and loneliness that is already setting in, endless aching loneliness. He's felt it before. He can't go back to that. He can't live it twice.

'You always were a fool like that, falling for a human child.'

'Never expected that outta' you, going after a kid.'

Renji held his head in his hands and bumped against the polished white walls of Seireitei's streets. He's been such a fool. He never should've- never- but then...

'I didn't have doubts. You feel right, so I don't worry about anything else – because I have you to drag me through on your back.'

"What do I do?" Renji rasped to himself, "God, what do I do?"

Feeling a sudden interruption in the moonlight on his head, Renji looked up, and in doing so, he realized he's come across Ikkaku, who was drinking up on a roof. Feeling more pathetic than he'd felt since he was on his knees, defeated by a teenager and screaming to please save his best friend, please god, don't let her die – Renji gaped up at him helplessly, completely lost.

"Hey," Ikkaku said with a familiar grin when he noticed him standing there, all slumped and staring at him. He flung his body back as he guzzled some more booze, and then eyed Renji again more closely, his fond smile traded for the scrutiny of a big brother.

"Hi, Ikkaku-san," Renji returned, and immediately cleared his throat when he heard how scratchy and awful his voice sounded, it having cracked several times on the way out.

"You look kinda' down on your luck."

Renji felt an inch from breaking, his heart swelling up in his throat at the steady and careful words, but all he did was shrug.

"Why don't you c'mon up here, kid," Ikkaku said, his voice beckoning and insistent. "Come drink with me."

Renji looked up at him, and had to swallow a few times to fight down the rise of raw emotion. "Okay." He smiled, and reached to take the hand Ikkaku had offered down to him, letting him help him up.

"There you go, string-bean. Get some sake in you."

Ikkaku handed him a bottle and slapped his back, and Renji tried not to choke as he drank. He hasn't been skinny enough to be called a string-bean in thirty-five years, but the sentiment was appreciated. All of it was. Though it wasn't said aloud, there was a tacit understanding on Ikkaku's part that although Renji wasn't shedding tears, he was indeed crying, and in return, although Ikkaku didn't acknowledge that this beer was pity-beer, Renji knew he was being comforted.

He's glad; despite Ikkaku having been the one who'd disapproved most of all and would have the most reason to say 'I told you so,' here he was, trying to make him feel better. Renji still didn't understand why people never gave Ikkaku credit for his kindness.

Ikkaku started yakking about some skulls he'd cracked together earlier and the ensuing squealing and the obligatory shame on you for deserting the squad. After warming up with some alcohol, Renji began to smile a bit and enjoy the crazy stories he'd missed. He's avoided his old friend for too long.

That lingering sense of shame is still there, and a feeling that he's disappointed him, especially now. Renji finally dropped his head, frowning at his feet as they both stared off at the moon.

"Hey," Ikkaku said after a few moments silence, and he didn't say anything else until Renji looked up. He leveled Renji with a piercing unreadable glare, and then went on with, "Just wanted ta' say I wasn't sure of what you thought you were doing in the beginning."

Renji swallowed hard, immediately knowing what he was referring to, and he dug his fingers into the roof tiles, staring straight at his knees as Ikkaku talked to the horizon. "But I heard about, yunno', how you held off, and well," Ikkaku said seriously, "I'm impressed."

Renji looked up, a rock in his gut.

"You oughta' be proud a' the strength a' your feelings." Ikkaku nudged him roughly, and Renji stared at him in numb surprise. "I wasn't sure in the beginning," Ikkaku repeated, taking a swig of liquor, "but well, if you're serious about this, then very best of luck."

Renji blinked hard and kept his breathing calm despite the pain in his chest. He looked at his lap and felt a small smile spread on his lips.

"I just hope you know it's gonna' go by fast," Ikkaku advised, and Renji doesn't know how he's always tricked people into thinking he's dumb when he's so damn perceptive.

Well, it was his own fault for thinking his senpai wouldn't know exactly what was bugging him, and for ever thinking that Ikkaku had stopped being proud of him or caring about him in his own assholish way. He had a way of charming you despite all his rough edges. Renji still was just feeling incredibly melted by the fact that Ikkaku has wished some of his good luck on him.

"I do," he said gravely. "An' thanks, Senpai." He smiled, and felt comforted, warm and achey in this place that had hurt from being scraped raw, like something has soothed this knot of bitter pain that needed to be sobbed and screamed out of him.

"Ahh, pssh," Ikkaku brushed off, but Renji can see he's pleased. He leaned back and stretched his arms over his head, and hummed, "It takes a lotta' luck to find that something special."

Renji looked out at the skyline and the stars and just breathed, knowing that the ache would come back, because even now, feeling stretched full with relief and gratefulness, the moon was still there, shining down on his face.

"My advice is, when you find it, don't let it go," Ikkaku said seriously, and clapped a rough hand onto his shoulder. Something made Renji look up, meeting Ikkaku's hard gaze, and even then, his insides squirm, because those eyes see right into him and they know everything.

"Even when it gets hard," he insists.

Renji looked at him for a second, and Ikkaku looked back, frowning, apparently dissatisfied, but he eventually nodded. He gripped his shoulder and shook him, then released him and slapped his arm a couple times. Renji let himself be jostled about and stared off into the moon. Zangetsu, the killing moon. So far above him, reflecting on the lake, and all he does is howl.

Renji dropped his head and turned, sliding down to the edge of the roof. He hopped down and walked off, but he could feel the light on his back, following him.

All he ever does is howl and never bite.

. . .

"Renji!" Ichigo called in the distance, his voice growing steadily closer, until finally it was right in his ear. "Renji! It's Friday!"

Renji snapped awake at the excited tone and the shaking to his shoulder. "Get up, get up, get up!"

"Mmph," Renji groaned, and rolled over. He felt something soft whack him on the back, and just buried his head in his arms, keeping his eyes shut. Ichigo beat him with a pillow again and then leaped on top of him, laughing. He couldn't help but quirk a smile at Ichigo's high spirits, but still didn't move or open his eyes. God, he's exhausted.

"Get up, now! You're lazy as a bone!"

"It's lazy bone," Renji mumbled, giving a great yawn and latching onto Ichigo's middle, snuggling against him. "Why're you in such a good mood?"

"You know what day today is, don't you? It's Friday."

"Mhm."

"And you know what that means."

"Mm?" Ichigo whacked him in the head then, kind of hard. "Hey!"

"We're supposed ta' do it," Ichigo shouted, getting testy. "You didn't forget, did you?"

"No, geez," Renji finally sat up and yawned again, stretching – ooh, that's good.

"Haven't you been training? I've been training really hard! We'll definitely do it this time, for sure!"

"Someone's excited," he noted, raising an eyebrow and smacking his lips as he leaned back on his wrists. "Excited enough to get up this early?"

"It's time for you to go to work," Ichigo said, and then humphed a little, "an' of course I'm excited. I'm becoming a man tonight!"

"Well, not really. You've already had your dick inside me. So it's not really-"

"To me, it is!" Ichigo shouted, "And will you get up?! Don't just sit there like an idiot! Monkey-brain!"

"Okay, okay," Renji chuckled as Ichigo yanked his blankets off and shoved at him with his foot until he got out of bed and wandered away to freshen up and get dressed. "Y'know, you always call me a monkey and stuff, but Zabimaru is actually a Nue. Y'know? The snake tail and everything? I know you've seen him!"

"Okay, Nue-brain then!"

"Yeah, watch out! My soul is a yokai, and Nue cries cause disaster! Don't make me cry or a disaster will happen!"

"That must explain why my life sucks, you huge crybaby!"

"What?!" Renji stood up from where he had bent over washing his face. "You little punk! I'm gonna' kick your ass! What part of your life sucks?!"

"You always take ages in the bathroom, it definitely lowers my quality of life." Renji stared at himself in the mirror, raising an eyebrow, and then began brushing his hair.

"This is a very important part of my day. Butthead."

"Just hurry up and get ready, slow-poke!" Renji rolled his eyes.

Once he was fully awake and ready to go, Renji searched the house for him, calling, "Hey Ichigo, so what time are-" He came to a stop in the front room when he saw Ichigo waiting at the table. "What… You made me breakfast?" he said, touched.

"C'meet!" Ichigo mumbled with his mouth full, and Renji lit up in a grin, sitting cross-legged across from his boyfriend and eating his sloppily arranged plate of too-sweet food.

"Mm!" Renji hummed appreciatively, "Thanks." He almost burst out laughing when Ichigo positively beamed. He was really excited, wasn't he. "So where are you goin' today? Rukia's?"

"Yeah," Ichigo sighed, coming down from his energy-high a little. "And I'm gonna' harass Byakuya 'till he promises not to keep you late – or ta' let you stay late."

"I'm gonna' come back on time, Ichigo."

"You'd better be home on time."

"I just said so," Renji repeated with a snort, then added lowly, "I wouldn't miss it," pleased to see Ichigo coil up with a little breath of anticipation.

When they were done eating, Ichigo tapped his foot impatiently as Renji carefully double-knotted his bandannas, and then they went outside together. Turning as one to look at each other, they both hesitated for a second, smiling like loons. Renji felt like picking him up and spinning him, but he was sure it wouldn't be appreciated. 'Tonight, I'm gonna' have you, Ichigo,' he thought gleefully.

Rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, Ichigo seemed to be waiting for something, eyes bright. Renji just about reached out and ruffled his hair. Ichigo was full of the joys of spring.

"I'll see you tonight."

"Tonight," Ichigo said and stood on tiptoe to push a smiling kiss onto his mouth – although it was really out of excitement more than need to close their height distance – he'd gotten so tall… – before he ran off with his shoulders high and his sword bouncing on his back. Renji grinned after him with a gusty sigh.

To Renji, it felt like just another day other than the building anticipation for his evening plans, but by the time his hours were over and he checked out on the dot, mindful of his promise, Ichigo could be heard from a distance yelling that he'd thought he was going to grow old and die waiting for five-thirty. Impatient kid.

"Hey, shut up! They can hear you in the Soul King's Palace!" Renji hollered back, but hurried up to meet him.

When Ichigo saw him at the door to the barracks, he lit up in a grin and grabbed his wrist, then towed him along. "Whoa, geez!" Renji laughed, but ran with him and kicked his door shut once they got inside.

As much as Renji had found Ichigo's shyness adorable, his enthusiasm was just as endlessly cute. Renji really should have expected it from how playful Ichigo had been all day, but it still was a pleasant surprise to have Ichigo smiling and throwing his arms around him eagerly, his fingertips scrunching and digging into his hair as he kissed him.

"Hmmm," Renji sighed, holding him in his arms and getting into it, but just as quickly, Ichigo separated them with a smack of their wet lips parting and pulled him by the arms into the bedroom.

Renji snickered, playing along, and pushed him down onto the bed, only to cough out an oof when Ichigo kneed him in the gut, shoving at his shoulders. "Wha-?" Renji complained, only to see Ichigo giving him a shitty little grin before he tried again to roll them and fling him around.

"Don't you want me to be on top tonight? What're you doing?"

"Wrestling you." Ichigo clung onto him then and threw his weight on him hard enough that he was able to flip them and pin him on his back. "Was your idea," he said with a breathless smile, leaning down to tickle him on the forehead with his messy hair and kiss him on the lips a bit. Renji smiled, heart floating, and let Ichigo hold his arms down by the biceps as he kissed back.

"I gotta' fight you for your virginity?"

"Yeah, that's how it is, so deal with it!" Ichigo crowed, and Renji snorted, knocking him over and pulling his yukata open. For all Ichigo's bluster about putting up a fight, they really just rolled each other about and shoved and tickled, and when Renji got the upper hand or undressed him, he didn't even really put up a token protest or struggle, frequently abandoning wrestling him in favor of kissing.

Renji threw Ichigo's underwear across the room and shouted, "Hah! I win! So now you've gotta' let me give you the sweetest night!"

"Noooo," Ichigo moaned, smothering his fake complaints on Renji's mouth after lacing his arms around his neck and yanking their heads together. Renji sighed and laid his weight atop Ichigo, basking in the feeling of warm skin. He loved being naked with Ichigo. Every bit of him was so perky and pinchable, and his dick was so cute.

"Roll over," Renji growled in Ichigo's ear, immediately ruining the mood when he burst into giggles at the way Ichigo's hair stood up as he promptly flung himself onto his stomach.

"Hmmm," Renji hummed appreciatively, settling his body against the backs of Ichigo's long slim legs, his chest cushioned on his thighs. He slapped both hands to Ichigo's buttcheeks, taking a while to just squeeze and play with his bottom.

"I love your butt, your butt is the best butt," Renji mumbled, shoving his face down between and smothering himself.

"Uh… thank you."

"Hmmmm."

"Haaaah," Ichigo sighed, pressing his face into the bed when Renji pried him apart with his hands and licked him firmly.

They messed around for a good long time, pleasuring each other into a sweaty lazy knot, and Renji was glad to see that Ichigo's nerves weren't keeping him from staying hard, even when he occasionally put his fingers in.

After around a half an hour long love-romp, Ichigo rubbed his shoulders where he lay between his legs.

"I'm ready," Ichigo panted, and it's the first time he's ever said it on his own with any certitude. "I'm ready, Renji, let's do it," he said eagerly, breathless and rosy-cheeked.

Renji grinned, hopping up and jumping on him, kissing Ichigo's lips as he fit them together and held him in his arms. "Last chance for life," he joked, whispering in his ear, and Ichigo snorted back.

"I'm no chicken! Deploy missile!"

"Okay, no need to get crazy." Ichigo squirmed a little in anticipation, and he did look a little nervous then, but his eyes were brave. Renji kissed his nose, then his cheek as he reached between them to stroke his cock and give a few practice thrusts where he just pushed his dick betweeen Ichigo's buttcheeks. They both were really warm and slippery from their long bout of sharing love all over the bed. "I'm gonna' go in nice and slow," he reminded, even though he's sure Ichigo knows.

Ichigo nodded, holding each of his shoulders and squeezing his sides with his thighs.

"Here it comes, ready or not," Renji breathed against Ichigo's ear, holding his cock straight and leaning forward.

"I said I was ready," Ichigo hissed back, but then began biting his lips hard, and Renji can immediately feel that it's going to work this time. As he put pressure on Ichigo's asshole with the blunt head of his cock, the resistance gave way and let him penetrate. Ichigo gasped in surprise and clung onto him hard, then made some breathy noises as he carefully pushed the head inside. He even whimpered a little, but didn't force him out.

Renji let out a slow breath through puffed cheeks and pressed his forehead against Ichigo's. God, it was so tight. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had sex with a virgin if it had been this tight. "Mmmmm," he growled appreciatively at the springy grip around his cock. Fuck, keep it together.

"Hurt?" he grunted. He could feel Ichigo shake his head tightly.

Renji picked himself up a bit to check him. "Is it bad?"

"… No, it's-" Ichigo replied unsteadily, his jaw clenched tightly and his brow scrunched up. "Go easy."

Renji eased inside, sliding in like a dream until he bottomed out, surging his body against Ichigo's and wrapping around him, holding him close. "Fuuu-huuuck," he mumbled, kissing Ichigo's face sloppily. "Still fine?"

"Mhm," Ichigo squeaked back, and Renji pushed himself up on his arms, frowning. Ichigo kept holding onto his shoulders, letting out small forced pants. Their eyes met and Ichigo brightened up.

"I did it," he said breathily, gripping onto him. The realization setting in, a triumphant grin lit up his face. "It's inside! I'm not a virgin anymore!" Renji grinned at his enthusiasm. "Yusss!" Ichigo said goofily, pumping a fist, and despite his accomplished expression, his tone was a little wobbly and sniffly.

Renji couldn't stop a smile at the way Ichigo glowed with pride, but he was unable to ignore the way his eyes glittered with tears and his voice and lips quivered. "Are you lying?" he grilled bluntly, "Does it hurt? Tell me the truth."

"No," Ichigo sniffed, wiping at his nose with the back of his wrist. "It's just- just a lot," he tried to explain, and Renji's concerned expression softened. Ichigo gave a little laugh, smiling, "I dunno' what's wrong with me, I just- We got it." He squirmed happily. "You're finally here." He held both Renji's cheeks in his hands and kissed him, squeezing his face.

"Where?" Renji breathed, throat dry.

"Here. I can feel you, right here." He didn't think he smiled, gazing down into Ichigo's face, a dull crackling in his ears. And he can feel it too, right in his chest, this incredible aching warmth.

"Thanks for not giving up," Ichigo breathed, still unable to contain his excited smiles. Renji's heart had already thoroughly melted, but that just about did him in.

"Why would I?" he whispered back onto his lips, eyes slipping closed as he snaked his arms tighter around Ichigo and embraced him. Ichigo snickered a little bit, still sniffing, and Renji just squeezed him and locked those words and that smile away in his heart. He's always been a sentimental ass like that.

"Okay," Ichigo said breathily, giving his best challenging grin, although it was a bit shaky. "Now show me what you got." Renji grinned back and wiggled his hips a little, and Ichigo's face went slack and flushed red. "I- I," he slurred, but then finished strong with a flash of his warm brown eyes. "I bet you I can hold off from cumming for five whole minutes this time!"

"You're on," Renji chuckled, and despite Ichigo's bravado, of course he wasn't gonna' go all out on him immediately. For all his tough talk, he was shaking like a leaf and clinging onto him quite hard, which was saying something, because Ichigo was really strong. "I'm gonna',' Renji wheezed, "I'm gonna' take you ta' heaven."

"Then do it then!" Ichigo blurted, and Renji snickered in his ear.

He started out very gently, just pressing his hips against Ichigo's without withdrawing at all, and Ichigo shuddered, his hands quickly slapping to Renji's back and gripping on. His breath came between them in little puffs, and Renji pulled out an inch or so, pushing back in. "Heh'," Ichigo laughed, the novelty of having finally gotten it right not having work off. "I really did it."

"Yeah, good job," Renji agreed with a grin, kissing his cheek and blowing a raspberry on his face. "Now I'm gonna' melt you with my mad love. You asked for it, sucker."

"Ewww," Ichigo complained, but laughed. "Haah," he grunted as Renji hummed deep in his chest and began rocking his body against his.

Renji thrusted a few times testingly, and then grinned when Ichigo gulped and let out a slow breath, wiping his brow. Immediately picking up on his old skills, Renji began expertly curling his hips at a steady pace, relishing the feeling of Ichigo holding onto him and the way he let out little cries each time he pushed his cock inside him. Fuck, Renji loves having sex.

Ichigo's insides are so squishy and soft and grip him so snugly that he just wanted to plow him all night, he wants to force his cock through his slick channel the whole night through. "Ahhh," he groaned, squeezing Ichigo under the arms and breathing hotly against his forehead, "so fucking good."

"Ahh," Ichigo cried as he bounced with each controlled snap of Renji's hips, "Ahh, ahh-"

"Hmmm." Slowing to a teasing roll, Renji kissed Ichigo warmly, just look at his sweet face. When their lips parted, Ichigo did that thing he did when he was feeling sappy and affectionate, the thing Renji loved that always got him feeling oddly choked up – where he'd cup his face in his hands and run his thumbs along his eyebrows. 'I'm yours,' Renji thought as the pads of Ichigo's finger rubbed along his brow.

The intimacy of joining like this, Renji felt like he could touch just barely on Ichigo's soul, he thought he could feel him, see down inside him and knot them together, and the feeling of it, how can he ever be just Renji again after he's known how it feels to be an unbroken whole?

Ichigo pet his eyebrows again, his soft hands holding his cheeks. His eyes were beautiful, a sweet amber brown – brown eyes were Renji's favorite.

'My heart is yours, kid.'

"Renji…"

"What?" Renji whispered back, pausing.

"I win."

Renji shook his head, coming out of his daze. Ichigo tweaked his nose. "Hah! More than five minutes!"

"Pff!" Renji began laughing.

They rolled about making love for some time. Renji was enjoying the fun of intimacy enough that he held off from orgasm as easily as ever. Eventually though, Ichigo began to get absolutely exhausted, and he explained breathlessly that he's never been aroused this long without cumming before, so Renji sped things along.

It didn't seem Ichigo could cum like this though, because Renji tried and tried, and they went on for ages, but Ichigo still hadn't cum. At last Renji was on top of him, sealed back to chest from sweat, and was kissing at his ear and panting as he thrust his hips down against his ass, loud slaps resulting. Ichigo was nearly delirious, sensitive and shaking. Renji squeezed his sweaty hands, their fingers interlaced, and he can see there's nothing wrong with his technique from the way Ichigo's eyes flutter and his muscles tense and quiver with every thrust.

"Renji," Ichigo panted finally, saliva coming from his mouth, his eyes lidded, "I can't, I can't-"

Renji pulled off him and helped roll his limp body over, then guided his erection in again, humming at the way Ichigo's insides squeezed and gripped his cock. "Aaah," Ichigo moaned wetly, "It's too-" His hands scrabbled at Renji's back, and his eyes focused on him for a second in desperation. "Please," he begged, "finish-"

Renji could still hold off for some time if need be – he was ready to go all night – but Ichigo was clearly fried, so he sped up the pace and sent Ichigo's eyes rolling back with firm grinding blows until he was panting and wiping sweaty hair out of his eyes. "Shit," he whispered, gripping Ichigo's hips tightly in his hands and driving his cock into him. When he was just at the peak, Renji pulled out and stroked himself off in a tight fist, groaning as he reached climax. Fuck, it was a hell of an orgasm, he hasn't had the chance to make love full-throat in ages.

"Ngh," he grunted, jerking off and pressing the head of his cock to Ichigo's asshole as he came, then shoved back inside and thrusted through the last of it, pushing his cum inside of him and letting it slick his movements.

"Ahhh," Ichigo let out a high-pitched cry, eyes shut, "Ahh." Renji kissed Ichigo's slack mouth and held him, humming and rolling his hips against him slowly to finish off their love-making, enjoying being joined together and the warmth of it.

Ichigo breathed fast, panting heavily, and Renji can feel his heart pounding everywhere they touched. They lay together connected for a long time, Ichigo laying limp beneath him. At last he pulled out and looked down between them at the mess they'd made together, and he felt proud. Ichigo let out a long sigh and smiled dazedly, and glowed.

"Were," he panted, trying to reach for him but just letting his hand flop back down in exhaustion, "Were you just gonna' go forever? How many times were you gonna' make me cum, you animal? You, you-"

"You did?" Renji cocked his head, grinning wolvishly and heaving.

"I thought I was gonna' die," Ichigo mumbled breathlessly. "Over an' over- I didn't know that could... That was-... Whoa," he huffed, arm over his face as he gasped for air.

"See? Died and went to heaven," Renji gloated, smug and lazy. Ichigo didn't retort, and lay still for a long time, letting his breathing slow. Renji put his arms behind his head, completely relaxed and utterly satisfied.

"Hold me," Ichigo mumbled at last, and Renji could barely understand him he was so clumsy and sleepy sounding.

Renji used a piece of their discarded clothing to wipe them off and then threw his topmost sheet over them, embracing Ichigo and holding him to his chest. Ichigo gave a large yawn and snaked an arm around Renji's shoulders. Renji held him and pecked his head, pressing his mouth and nose against his hair.

"Renji…" Ichigo hummed as he fell to sleep.

"Yeah?" Renji replied. "... Yeah?" he prompted when Ichigo seemed to have drifted off. He only realized he was still barely awake when Ichigo's sweaty hand somehow found his and squeezed very very tightly, with strength that the rest of his limp body didn't contain.

"I wanna' tell you…" Ichigo yawned breathily, his body heaving with it as he snuggled his head against Renji's neck. "I dunno' how I woulda' done it if I didn't have you," he murmured, and Renji lay absolutely still, listening to his dreamy mumbling and the sound of the cicadas outside.

"Without you, I would've been alone."

A time not so very long ago, in a white palace with the three worlds crumbling around them and the weight of all three on the shoulders of one lonely boy, and he was standing there at his back, they'll be cut down together, they'll die together – carry him, follow him to the end, at any cost. He'd made a promise to be at his side, and he'd never let him face anything alone again. That was the strength of his love.

"I'm so glad you were with me at the end."

There was nothing to say, so he just lay still and listened and ached and felt the moon through the window.

"I'm so glad I wasn't alone."

Renji held him tight and closed his eyes, breathing into Ichigo's hair, taking in the glow of making love with the one he loves and the moon and the ache in his bones and his heart, and Ichigo's sweet sighing and his sweet little breaths and the way his body is so slack and warm against his yet still holding onto his hand so tight. That promise felt like it could last to the end of the world, and that love could stand up to the crumbling of the universe, but now it felt meaningless, because the end was coming.

Renji kissed his head and swallowed the ache. Not much longer now. It can't last, but don't think about it.

. . .

Over the years, Renji had become really used to sleeping alone, and he hates it.

It was somewhat of a sore spot in his heart because before those decades of being forced to learn to sleep alone, he'd couldn't remember ever not having slept with others around him, Rukia especially. The Rukongai got really cold at night, and he and the other kids had stayed warm by sleeping together, like little kittens.

Coming to the academy, all the individual beds, it had been so hard to adjust. Ever since Ichigo's coming of age, Renji's been sleeping like a baby. Having Ichigo nestled against him, warm and cozy, is like heaven.

In the morning, they woke up slow. Renji rested on his back and blinked sleepily. Ichigo lay against his chest contentedly, cheek mushed into his cleavage as his eyes drifted barely open on occasion. They breathed together for a long time under the sheets in the early light.

Ichigo shifted a little bit, his fluffy hair tickling Renji's bare skin just slightly. He let out a breathy sigh and something felt wrenched tight in Renji's chest suddenly. He held him and put his face in Ichigo's hair, kissing his head and letting his eyes flick unseeingly around the room.

"Renji?..."

Ichigo nudged his hand clumsily, and held onto a couple of his fingers. Renji squeezed him, squeezed, and didn't ease up on his grip, pressing his face against Ichigo's head. This hot horrible thing bubbled up in his throat at the sound of Ichigo's voice.

"Yeah?" he managed to rasp.

"I…" Ichigo adjusted his head again, resting his cheek on his heart, and just laid there and breathed, running his hand on his chest. "I gotta' go home," he said quietly.

Renji didn't know what he did after that, if he nodded or not, because everything went numb and fuzzy, but he heard Ichigo say it again after a little while. "I've really gotta' go home." He doesn't know what he did, but he knows he didn't say anything, because his throat had completely closed up.

He wasn't able to speak, not until much later, when Ichigo lead him out to the gate and stood there by the open door, ready to walk through.

"I'll be back soon."

Renji thinks of ending it right then, he really does, but he still can't make himself speak. He knows if he makes a single noise, he's going to fall to pieces and give it away. Ichigo stepped away from him then, and Renji reached his arm out to keep holding his hand for as long as he can, until their fingers are only just barely brushing and Ichigo dropped his arm.

Renji watched Ichigo raise a hand then and smile, stepping through the door, and he can finally speak, and what he said was, "Goodbye."

He'd never been one to drink when he was upset. If he had, those forty years would've seen him an alcoholic like Ikkaku. That night though, he talked with Hisagi, and he did drink. He drank until he was drunk and staring around dazedly and repeatedly feeling at his face.

He felt like he was crying even though he wasn't. Nothing was coming out. He could feel the sobs in his chest, the pain of them, he could feel the pressure in his face, in his cheeks and forehead, he could feel the cries in his dry aching throat, but nothing was coming out. He was empty, like everything had already been ripped out. He felt like it was already gone.

"I don't know what to do," he finally mumbled numbly, and Hisagi looked relieved, having been unable to get him to say what the matter was until then.

"I think," he said, swallowing around the word, "I think I have to end it." Hisagi was silent, and Renji could see his frowning face in his periphery, but he just stared around aimlessly.

"I've let it go on for too long." He held his glass, and that's the only thing keeping him from dropping to the floor. "I think… I think it's just gonna' hurt more if we don't stop now."

"You're all the way in," Hisagi insisted. "It'll hurt as much now as it ever will. You're in love with him."

"I've made a mistake."

"I don't think so." Hisagi sipped his beer and frowned more. He cleared his throat and went on to say, "I think you've found something great." Renji looked up, everything inside of him buzzing numbly. He felt lost.

"Look, man, for a long time there you were really down… and then after Ichigo came around, you've been a lot happier." Hisagi scratched at his hair and shrugged a little. "Everyone's seen it, man."

Renji bitterly raised his glass to his mouth and gulped and gulped. If anyone, anyone had been happy for him, they sure hadn't fucking shown it. Even Ikkaku had taken a few years to admit he'd come around.

"It'd been so long since you'd smiled to your eyes." Hisagi frowned sadly, brow scrunching, and when Renji heard those words, the crying and screaming and sobbing almost came out, he feels all the pain bubble and pop underneath the lid. He rubbed his chest and leaned forward, gut tensing as if to force it out.

Hisagi hesitantly reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder, prodding him. He'd always had a difficult time with heart to hearts, but he tried, he always tried, every time Renji had been particularly sad or upset over Rukia, Hisagi had been there with an open bed and an open heart.

"And then he came, and you just… you hold your head up," he explained, the awkwardness creeping out and leaving behind a kind of soft satisfaction.

And Renji knew, he knew exactly what he was talking about, and that feeling was what he can't bear to lose most of all. The unstoppable force that had come into his life and built him up, healed his hurts, made him back into the man he liked looking at in the mirror – if he has to let go of that-

"I have to make it easy," Renji mumbled.

Hisagi made an uncomfortable noise, the one he did after he'd joined Squad 11 and taken on their reckless attitude to be able to cope with his pain, the one he used every time he felt like he had to stop him from doing something idiotic but knew he probably couldn't do anything about his stubbornness. "Don't throw it all away for something that hasn't happened yet," he tried to coax, cleared his throat, and surprised Renji when he said, "Please."

Renji looked at him and then put his head in his hands.

"Don't throw it away," Hisagi continued, creeping closer and keeping his hand on his shoulder. It's hot like Ichigo's always are. "I don't wanna' see you like that again," he almost whispered, and Renji felt a sense of boundless guilt and shame overtake him. There isn't a more loathsome creature on earth than that who hurts the ones he loves.

He stared at his lap, holding his head up with his hands. Finally he heard himself say, "I wish I could take it all back," and the pain at his own admission is unbearable.

"No," Hisagi said rather helplessly, shaking him a bit. "C'mon, no."

"I wish I'd never told him."

"You're in a black mist," his friend insisted firmly, "He's gone away and you're not seeing straight." Hisagi took both of his shoulders then and shook him, making him pick his head up.

"He'll come back, Renji."

Renji stared at him numbly, watched as Hisagi's eyes flick between his own. He knew more than anything that Hisagi was trying to comfort him and talk him down from the ledge, but more than ever, it was not the reassurance he needed. Because he already knew.

'I haven't had any regrets, no matter how crazy I got because of you.'

Not for a second did I feel like anything we did was wrong, and neither did you!

You know what I think? I think you're scared. You're making excuses so you can bury it and run away from it.'

All Renji was was a cowardly heart, running, howling, but too scared to bite, too scared to jump. He's never been able to do anything for himself without someone there, without a star in the sky to bark at, without something impossibly far away to feel lonely for or jealous of. He's nothing on his own.

'You never change, Renji. You're still making excuses for why you won't go for what you want. You can follow me to the end, but you can't fucking face yourself.

I see right through you. You can't fucking stand it, can you.'

Burning bright like a star, shoulders strong enough to hold up those pains and regrets and the incredible weight of his guilt, there'd been this pure, unselfish, loving heart, and he'd been unable to resist the one who'd taken that pain away, who'd taken the unbearable loneliness out of him.

'No one's made my choices but me, Renji.

Me for you, I knew right away. It was so easy. It feels right.

You're finally here. I can feel you, right here.

Let me share half of your worries.'

And Renji loved him, and he'd always remember him like that, that image of him standing there smiling over his shoulder, hand raised, the sun lighting up his hair-

'I'll be back soon...'

"He'll come back," he heard Hisagi say again, and that's when he finally moved.

"I know."

He stood, his legs somehow supporting him, and he turned away, walking out into the night. Another night of running, another night of cowardice, another night of the moon on his back. Another night of thoughts on an endless loop: 'I never should've told him I love him. I never should have made him love me.'

"He should stay there."

. . .

It's all come down to this really. He'd stumbled along through life as well as he could for as long as he'd been able, fucking things up and trying again on endless repeat, but it's all come down to this.

He walked there, feeling more like a ghost than ever, until he dragged his aching bones up to Rukia's door and let himself in. He was so tired, so exhausted, and when he saw her, he didn't think he could even try to keep it in.

The tears weren't coming out, but inside, he was crying. Zabimaru was howling, letting loose these terribly eerie cries that sounded like those of a bird. The nights when the Nue cry were always dreadful, and surely spelled impending disaster.

Renji saw her face and nearly collapsed to his knees in her arms, but all he could do was reach out. Her heart-shaped face was blurred, and he tried to blink it clear, but his eyes felt sticky and crusted over.

At last, he was here, with someone who understood him better than anyone in the world, he was with the person he loved most, and the relief of it was overpowering.

"Rukia?..."

And he thought he might really cry. He felt so broken and lost. It felt like he'd already lost him. He was so scared and he felt like Ichigo was already dead, already gone and ripped away forever from his arms. He didn't want to go through it, he didn't want to go through it again. He didn't think he could do it again, he couldn't, he doesn't know how he'll do it, he can't-can't-can't, he wasn't strong enough to do it twice. It hurt so badly. He didn't know how this much pain could exist inside a person without them buckling.

"Rukia?" he croaked, and he tried to ask her what to do, he tried to speak, but he can't, and her tiny little hands wrap around one of his, and they feel so strong, and he can feel that she knew everything already just by looking at his face.

He stumbled after her blind, until she coaxed him to sit down. He felt at his face again clumsily, and still nothing, still dry.

Her hand held his, so small that it can only wrap around three of his fingers, and when she squeezed and stroked the back of his knuckles with her other hand, it all came out. He didn't know what he said exactly, but he told her about the feeling, about the unbearable sense of guilt and selfishness that won't go away, about that beautiful fragile thing and the way he and Ichigo had met soul to soul, and how can he let go of it, how – and he told her about the crossroad.

What does he do, what is he supposed to do?

"Renji," she said after listening silently, "I know it's been hard. It's hard to know what to do."

And he crumpled, the ache in his chest becoming too much to bear, and the Nue cried and cried. The only thing keeping him from falling down dead from the pain are her strong hands and her voice, she knows the answers, she loves him, she's always understood him and no matter what happens or how long that moon hangs there in the sky and lights up his loathsome heart, she'll be there and she'll love him.

"Sometimes it's the right thing to do to let go," she said, her voice cutting through the mire of pain and numbness, "Sometimes you have to do what's right for the other person even if it hurts, even if what's right is to make them stop loving you."

'How?' he wanted to scream, 'I know, I know, I know I have to let go, but how could I ever be that strong? How can I let go?'

She squeezed his hand, and he met her eyes, dark and indigo and sparkling with the moonlight coming through the shades. "But you can never be sure what's in another person's brain."

'What?' he tried to say, but he couldn't speak. For a moment he just felt like a pair of eyes, an aching heart, and a hand being held, nothing else existing but her and her words.

"What seems to you like the right thing for them might not be what they think is the right thing for them," Rukia said firmly, "You can't micromanage, Renji. You can't decide what another person will do with their life. You have to let them do what they're going to do. They're the one who knows what they want and what'll make them happy."

Her tone went soft then, and she squeezed his hand tightly, rubbing it with her icy little thumbs. Her deep eyes saw right into him, saw the dog hiding and barking, and still there was no trace of contempt, only boundless understanding and acceptance.

"And what makes Ichigo happy is you."

He swallowed hard and he was able to speak then, rasping, "I promised." He gripped her little hand in his, enveloping it completely. "I promised him I'd stop thinking about it, but I can't." He looked at her face, his voice taking on a tone of raw desperation. "Rukia, I can't."

"Ichigo's his own person. Don't take yourself away from him because you feel afraid," she said. "You've already tried that and it didn't work."

"I don't wanna' lose him."

"Have you talked to him about this?"

"I can't," he croaked, "I can't tell him. I promised." He frowned helplessly and pleaded with her, "Rukia, what'm I gonna' do? I dunno' what to do."

Her hand slipped out of his then as much as he tried to hold on, and he could feel it against his cheek, her usually cool palm warmed slightly from his own grip. "Nothing stays the same forever. The only thing you have control of is right now. And you have to decide."

He knew that, he knew, he'd told her about the crossroad, and the point is he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know which road to take. Which one's going to lead to less pain, which one is the right thing to do, which one means he loves Ichigo more?

"Your choices are to let him into your heart and see what happens down the road, or let go and wonder for the rest of your life."

"But which one is right?" he rasped, his voice wrenching.

"What feels right in your heart. I think you already know," she said, and he wanted to cry, because he doesn't. That's why he'd come to her for help. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

"..."

"Renji," she sighed, her eyes tired and mirroring his own pain, "All you can do in this world is try your best."

'When you find it, don't let go, no matter how hard it gets.'

He can't hold on, it's too hard. He can't hold onto sand, he can't hold onto a sliver of moonlight. It's much too hard.

'I think you've found something great.'

God, he had. His smile, his laughter, his stubborn strength, the angry outbursts, the lovable perfect scrunchy scowl, every moment Renji felt on top of the world standing at his side. He'd carry him to the end of the world. He had found something great. He had, he had, he had.

'Let him into your heart and see what happens.' He was already there. How can Renji ever let him back out?

'Renji… I'm so glad you were with me.'

And she's right. He did know.

Renji sniffed and coughed through his sore throat and Rukia scooted forward towards him. He let her bony arms around him and he hugged her for a long long time.

"What will you do?" she asked at last.

"I have to tell him."

She squeezed him and seemed satisfied. Renji breathed into her hair, eyes closed. "Be strong," she said.

"I'll do my best."

. . .

Renji came through the portal with a cautious resolve, stepping out into Urahara's shop.

He looked around him hesitantly, straightening up at the sound of birdsong outside and the glow of the sun through the windows in the next room.

Turning to walk through the store and stand outside, he saw that Ichigo was already there, waiting for him. He meant to say it right then, 'I have to tell you something, Ichigo, I want to talk with you about something,' but once he laid eyes on him, he stopped in confusion. Ichigo was dressed up a bit.

Well, actually, not much more than usual, but he was pulling at his shirt cuffs and trying to button them at the elbows, and he was wearing a belt on his pants, and for a moment, it looked like he'd styled his hair. After a second or two gazing at him with his mouth open on the words, he realized Ichigo had gotten a haircut.

Standing in the doorway there with the sun behind him, all of a sudden he looked all grown up, he's already a man, but when he met Renji's gaze, that warm beautiful thing was still there in his eyes, locked into the amber like an insect from millions of years ago, still unchanged and perfectly preserved. That fragile lovely thing was still alive and dancing, lit up in the sun.

"You're here," Ichigo said, and his voice was breathy and pleased, as if he'd run in here as soon as he'd heard him come through.

"Yeah…" Renji replied slowly, confused and a bit stunned, "What's all-"

"Renji, get in your gigai!" Ichigo was gone as soon as he'd appeared.

"What? Why!"

Ichigo leaned back into the room a bit, waving a hand. "Just do it, I wanna' take you somewhere." He headed down the hallway then, calling, "I'll be right back!"

"Heeeh?" Renji shrugged and got his gigai out, struggling into it and then huffing, testing his joints. "Are you just gonna' stand there?" he mumbled, glancing over his shoulder.

A grunt came from behind him and he eyed the blue Arrancar leaning in the doorway. After staring each other down for some time with Ichigo clattering around in the distance, the Arrancar finally growled, "He's excited."

"..."

"He's been planning this. Been bothering me all week. So," he grumbled, "if you were a dick to'm', it'd be real shitty if you had some sort of fatal accident."

Renji narrowed his eyes. "What are you, threatening me?"

"No. Warning you."

"What's that supposed to-"

Ichigo shoved past the blue guy and asked, "Yo, ready to go? You have it on?"

"Yeah," Renji said slowly, wrists on his hips as he watched the hollow wander away after childishly making an 'I'm watching you' sign with his fingers. "What's going on exactly?"

"I'm taking you on a date!" Ichigo said as if it were obvious, and when Renji didn't reply, he seemed uncertain then, shifting, his confidence faltering somewhat. Renji curled his toes up, feeling this warm thing unfold inside him.

A lopsided smile came onto his face. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Ichigo straightened up. "Let's go!"

Ichigo didn't take his hand, but he made this weird jerky motion like he almost had, but then had stopped himself. He covered it by swiping at his nose and then beckoned him outside. Renji followed him, and grinned as Ichigo stood in the dappled shade of the trees and took a deep breath of the late summer air. He was still just kind of surprised that Ichigo had planned a date for them. He'd never done that before.

"What do we do on a living world date?" When he and Rukia had been doing fieldwork out here during the Arrancar invasion, they'd explored the metal city a bit and eaten some food, and Renji hadn't really focused on any of the weird things here, more worried about the job and the ever approaching enemies, and annoying Ichigo at school of course. For a while there too, he'd staked out in Ichigo's room and let him teach him about the Living World in Rukia's place, but Ichigo had mostly done schoolwork and let him bum around in his room and read magazines and watch his TV-box.

"Usually eat stuff, or watch a movie," Ichigo explained, walking out towards the road with him and then following along the sidewalk, "Y'know?"

"Yeah."

"But other times, well," he hummed, hands in his pockets, "you go out and do something fun. And I know you like animals. So… we can go to the zoo."

"Hm?"

"It's a place you can go where they keep all different kinds of animals that wouldn't normally live together." Ichigo came to a stop at a seemingly random spot next to a pole sticking out of the ground that had a picture of a… thing.

"... Why do they do that?" Renji muttered, not really following the idea.

"So you can see them all at once without having to travel around the world."

"Right," Renji mumbled, remembering the ball Ichigo had showed him and the island he lived on. So they're going to the zoo, huh? Renji imagined a big field with wolves and sheep living together.

"Don't they try to eat each other?"

"No," Ichigo bit back a smile and Renji scowled. "They have little areas for each kind."

"How do they take care of them all?"

"I dunno', I'm not a zookeeper…" Ichigo rolled a shoulder. "You wanna' go?"

"How do we get there?"

"We have to take the train."

From what Renji understood, the train was a metal capsule that zoomed you around underground, like shunpo, kind of. "We're going to get inside a train?"

"Well, right now we're waiting for a bus to the station."

"Oh." Renji stood next to Ichigo for a second and watched the road, where a car would occasionally pass. "So," he said after a time, "You planned this out?" Ichigo scuffed his toe sheepishly.

"Yeah." He scratched at his head. "Sorry to spring it on you all of a sudden. I'd meant to ask you before, but…"

"It's okay," Renji said, and he found that he didn't have to lie. "Sometimes a surprise is better."

Ichigo looked up at him. "Yeah… Surprises can be awesome." A smile played on the edges of his mouth, and Renji swallowed and looked back and wanted more than ever to kiss him.

'Do you get what I'm saying?'

'Yeah.'

'Good. Great.'

Ichigo's eyes were so incredibly tender and warm as they looked at him, that he knew they were thinking the same thing, and Renji couldn't bring himself to say it, couldn't tell him just yet. Let him have this one day, one last day before everything fell apart. Before the crossroad.

The bus screeched as it drove straight at them, and Renji stepped back from the edge of the sidewalk, watching as it stopped in front of them. A door opened, and Ichigo got in immediately, looking back at him. "C'mon, get in."

He did, and they sat together as the world passed them in a blur.

Ichigo spent the day leading him around and showing him his favorite things about his home world. Renji didn't know why they hadn't done this before. Well, he does. Ever since they've been together, when Ichigo made a trip home, Renji made a point of letting him go alone and not showing up uninvited. It's… hard for him to be here; painful. It made him think of things he'd rather keep inside.

But not anymore. He had to tell him. There was no other way. But one more day, just one. Ichigo was so excited about this, after all. No point in ruining that.

They wandered the zoo-park together for ages. Ichigo didn't hold his hand or act affectionately when they were out and about, but stood at his side all day and took the same steps he did and looked where he looked, at every animal and every tall building and every food stand. He answered all of Renji's questions and didn't call him dumb even though he was amazed by everything he saw in the city.

It was so colorful and there was so many things that seemed to work by magic, although Ichigo insisted magic wasn't real.

"Are you having fun?" Ichigo asked as they stood at the side of the gibbon pit, elbows next to each other on the fence-ledge. He sounded so hopeful.

"Yeah," Renji said.

"I can show you other things maybe," Ichigo muttered hesitantly, "If you visit more often." Renji's face fell, and Ichigo sighed, looking out on the fuzzy apes climbing around. "I know you don't like coming here."

"What? No…" Renji cleared his throat. "What makes you say that?"

"Well," Ichigo considered, then brushed off, "Never mind. I hope you'll come more though, because…" He fidgeted. "There's a lot of things I want to do together. And I just wanted to say…"

Renji swallowed hard and clenched his hand on the fence rail, looking over at Ichigo.

"I'm really happy you're by my side," Ichigo eventually got out, and Renji's expression softened.

"Me too."

Emboldened by his reaction, Ichigo went on. "And I hope that we keep going on like this, to the end." He nudged Renji's arm with his, looking up into his face. "Even if it's hard, I'll keep on going. I swear that I will."

"Swear to what," Renji said with a dry throat.

Ichigo just smiled, and Renji felt like he was about to break apart.

"Ichigo," he croaked. "Why are you doing this?"

"Well," Ichigo said quietly, turning towards him tentatively and meeting his eyes. "I dunno' the exact date, but around this time of year, five years ago, I met you for the first time," he recounted, "in the rain."

Renji stared at him, heart full to bursting.

"... And well, now I'm in the sun," Ichigo said, his lip quirking up, "And I feel like I'm finally strong enough to say these things."

He looked at Renji with those eyes and that lovely thing with his shoulders set and lit up in the sunlight, and Renji just stared.

"So thank you."

They stood there in the sunlight together and looked at each other for some time, and Renji felt that he was touching on Ichigo's soul. Ichigo was flushed but didn't look away.

"Renji…?"

"Yeah," he rasped.

"Can we go back to your place?" Ichigo whispered, glancing around as he drew closer to him and squirmed. "I…" he leaned towards his ear and told him, "I want you right now."

He didn't know how long it took for them to get back, he just remembered reaching out and grabbing his wrist and dragging him, and blurs and blurs and blurs, and it felt like the next thing he was pushing him down in his bed and holding his arms down.

He tried not to think about it as the last time. He tried not to think about how he was going to tell him afterwards and that this was the last time, so he just held him and felt that feeling of touching his soul and feeling good together and tried not to let his heart break at the sound of Ichigo breathing his name in his ear, because if he does, he won't be able to do it later, he won't be able to say it. He'll just keep holding on, he'll just keep doing this forever, because when they'd met, he'd been in the rain too, and these years he'd spent in the sun with Ichigo had been like a dream.

He's really learned how to do it pretty good over the years, and that night, he made love to Ichigo like it really was the last time. They lay together panting and Renji looked into his breathless face, his pink cheeks and his bright eyes, and he brushed his short hair through his fingers - and he doesn't know how to let him out after he's touched his soul, after he's seen him and known him.

The strong heart, the gentle hands, the pure fresh young soul – Renji can't take it back out of his brain. A million stupid things he'd picked up from knowing him for the past few years, things that wouldn't just be forgotten upon parting, they were still there.

He knew Ichigo only pretended to hate his stupid jokes, and that, like him, despite his appearance, he was a good student. He knew his favorite foods were chocolate and spicy fish eggs and his favorite color is pink. He loved springtime, and he was sensitive about his hair, and he still frowned even when he was in a good mood. He was brave, and he was strong, but he was soft, and everywhere he went, people loved him. Even his enemies couldn't help but fall in love with him a little, some of them turning their lives around completely, because Ichigo had made them believe in something. It seemed inescapable.

And Renji didn't know how not to love him, he didn't know how to fall out of love with that scowly braveheart softy.

When they finally came to rest and Renji was able to separate them, to let him out of his arms, they talked. Ichigo lay next to him on his side, a wonderful ruffled mess, and when Renji wasn't able to smile convincingly enough, Ichigo's face creased in a frown as he leaned his head on his hand.

They breathed together for a long time, Renji avoiding Ichigo's tentative probing gaze, until finally, Ichigo cleared his throat and quietly wondered, "Is something up?" as if afraid he'd explode on him. Renji sighed, closing his eyes, feeling Ichigo's trailing fingers on his arm pause and fidget.

"You've seemed… different, lately," Ichigo tried to explain, but began to get flustered. "Like, not weird -different, well… yeah, weird, but…" He rubbed his forehead, "Ahh, what I mean is… Fuck, I'm messing this up."

Renji let his eyes drop to the mattress, and felt ashamed. Ichigo must've known. He must've known that he's been down and had planned to take him out to try and make things better. But they can't be made better. He'd just hoped to avoid dragging Ichigo down with him.

Ichigo let out a long breath through his nose and looked away, but he had that air about him like he was about to get sappy or personal. He'd been doing it a lot lately. Renji hadn't really let himself think about it until now, until they were nearing the end, the way Ichigo had opened up to him in the last few weeks, how loving he'd been, how trustingly he'd exposed his heart, and even now, he was still doing it.

'What makes Ichigo happy is you.'

'It takes a lotta' luck to find that something special.'

'Everyone's seen it, man.'

.

.

'And well… now I'm in the sun. So thank you.'

"I know you feel kinda' sad sometimes," Ichigo murmured. "I used to feel that way a lot too. For a long time… I was really lonely. It wasn't until I met Rukia and you an' the rest that I started to come out of it. I'd never really admitted to myself that I needed other people to see a point in it all, but I do. It got especially bad after I lost my powers. It felt like… well… never mind, it just..."

He sighed, rubbing at his hair. "I guess... after the war, part of me didn't expect anyone to want me to stay. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I know how you feel."

He swallowed as Ichigo let out another breath and took his hand, squeezing it. "... You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But… I'm here, if you ever do wanna'." He tried to joke then, but it came out a bit weak, like the floor beneath him was too shaky to put his foot out with any confidence.

"And I won't clobber you like you guys always did to me." He rubbed Renji's hand with his thumb. "I'll listen," he almost whispered.

Renji squeezed back, and all he could get out was, "Thanks."

They laid there in silence together for a time, and Renji knew that it was time, and with Ichigo's hand gripping his, he did feel strong enough. He was strong enough to let go, if that was what was going to happen at the end.

"Is it… still bothering you?" Ichigo hedged awkwardly after a few minutes of trying to lay still and occasionally wriggling around uncomfortably. "I mean… that I'm just a kid, and you're a man?"

And suddenly the guilt and selfishness was too much. Because Ichigo was all grown up, and he's made him feel small and stupid like him, he has dragged him down with his bad mood, and the crossroad is now.

"No," Renji said with a great sigh, and suddenly he made himself look straight at him, and he confronts the awful truth that he's taken this young man's life away for too long. He didn't think he'd be able to bear it if Ichigo looked back later with regret at having wasted so much time. And he couldn't falter in this moment, he couldn't stumble. He wouldn't be able to bear it if Ichigo decided to give up everything he could've done and had, and live here with him. This pure free spirit couldn't afford to waste any more time.

"It's not that anymore," Renji said, and Ichigo rolled a little bit closer, unconsciously mirroring him by pillowing his head on his arm. "I just think about…" Ichigo's eyes were wide and his brow slightly tensed as he listened.

"Yeah?" he prompted in a near-whisper when Renji couldn't go on.

"About…" he tried, "What your life would've been if I…"

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever looked at you like that.'

'Never should have told you, never, never, never.'

"I wish I…"

'You're not going though.' 'Who knows what'll happen.'

"Would you have gone back?" Renji rasped, and suddenly he can't not say it, because he had to know, because their souls had touched together and Ichigo's eyes see into him andknow him like Rukia's do, and he can't not say it.

Ichigo looked into his eyes, face slack in incomprehension, but he was still trying to hold onto Renji's limp hand, like he was trying to squeeze life back into it, crush the sadness out.

"Back then, I mean," he clarified, and his voice is dangerously close to cracking, dry and stretched thin from dread. "If I hadn't said what I said, would you have gone back?"

He'd said it, and the words seem to hang, choke him, and Ichigo just looked at him for a moment or so, his expression scrunching in confusion, then recognition. Finally, when Renji almost couldn't bear it, he spoke.

"Renji," he said firmly, as if he were stupid, "I would've gone back regardless. I go back now."

"But you don't live there like you used to. Not anymore. You don't have the same life," Renji breathed sadly, his mind running a repeat of 'my fault, all my fault, I did this, I did this, I did this-'

"How could I after Rukia woke up my powers." Ichigo didn't seem to understand what has upset him so much. He was speaking with his normal candor, and somehow, that got Renji through, kept him from snapping and bawling his eyes out and holding onto him, please no, don't let it be the end yet-

"I've never been full human, Renji," Ichigo said with his brow furrowed. "That life was a lie."

"But it was what you knew," he insisted stubbornly. "And we took you away from that. I'm keeping you from going back to that. Right now, if I'd just kept my mouth shut, you'd be…" He swallowed, and Ichigo grimaced at him.

"Let's get something straight, Renji. No matter what you would've said or done, I would always want to go back." And he smiled then, maybe a little wearily, but it went to his eyes, and Renji didn't know whether his heart was going to sink through the floor or burst.

"Karakura is my home," he said.

"Look, of course things are different than they would've been. I can't unlearn or unsee all the things I've seen or unmeet the people I've met, but that doesn't mean just because I love Soul Society that I would leave behind everything I knew." Ichigo's eyes glowed as he smiled down at their hands. "I love being human."

Renji breathed and stared, watching the purplish light of the sunset light the foot of the bed, Ichigo's back, the windowsill aglow. "I'm glad that… that the people here don't need me anymore. That means that everyone I love is safe."

Ichigo's face was soft, and his eyes were soulful, almost sad, but he was smiling, as if he'd come to rest his bones after a long trip far from home. "I don't have to protect them now."

"But…" And Renji didn't know what he'd meant to say, because the words got lost. Ichigo lay at his side and in the silence, let his eyes drift shut, and in the rosy glow of the setting sun, he looked so peaceful there – and Renji doesn't know how not to love him.

"I don't want to make it hard when you have to choose is my point," he tried to explain. "I don't want you to feel bad, once it's time."

"Choose?" Ichigo opened his eyes. "Choose what?"

"You can't be a human and a shinigami." Renji held his hand back then, curling his fingers into his tightly. 'You can't be with me and be truly happy. How could you be.'

Ichigo suddenly snorted scornfully and gave him this weird look, and Renji stared. "Who says?"

Renji just blinked, and opened his mouth as Ichigo jabbed him in the forehead with one of his long fingers. "And I'm not a shinigami," he said with a little grin.

"Shinigami-daikou," Renji managed to say. He's able to quirk his lip back at him, and he was sure that was Ichigo's intention when he saw the warmth in his eyes – and Renji suddenly remembers this story about a crying kid, bloody and afraid, and a toy airplane, and a daily visit, a pat on the head. He remembered the kindness of Ichigo's heart and the way his scary dad horsed around to distract his kids from the hurt, not so differently from Ichigo in how he pretended to smile and said everything was alright and held you up on his shoulders.

"Yeah," Ichigo said with a satisfied smile. "I've been breaking the rules since I was born." He moved Renji's bangs a little bit, very gently. "I'm just a substitute. I can stop any time I want."

"Yeah," Renji conceded, and they'd had a talk like this before, sort of, a while back when he'd told Ichigo he got stupid and scared when he went to the Living World, and even though Ichigo's confidence in putting his fears to rest had silenced that little voice for a while, it had come back, and grown big and dark over time – and he can still hear that voice now, this whisper of doubt.

"But won't it be hard?" he let it say with his mouth, letting that dark awful fear out, letting the crossroads out. "Always being in the middle of it like that?"

And he held on so hard he could feel Ichigo's knuckles crunching together in his grip, but Ichigo merely sighed.

"Maybe," he said, "but that's how it goes."

Renji doesn't know how he could know Ichigo so well and yet not understand him at all sometimes, so he lay and blinked and thought about it, how the kid could take everything in his stride.

"Meanwhile, you made a promise to me," Ichigo said firmly, and Renji's heart dropped like a rock.

"I know," he said guiltily. "I know I did. I'm sorry."

Ichigo talked over him with that bossy tone he'd picked up from Rukia. "You promised to be with me until the end, you promised to carry me through if I couldn't go on, and I…" he faltered a bit, "I'm gonna' do the same for you when it gets rough."

He took Renji's hand and picked it up off the bed, tentatively bringing it towards his bare chest, and Renji didn't breathe, remembering their first night together.

"When you're scared, or it hurts bad, you can think of that and feel me with you," Ichigo murmured shyly, but met his eyes completely, and pressed his palm flush to his heart. "That's why I stayed."

Renji's hand lay slack against his chest, and he stared into Ichigo's face, feeling the bumps against his fingers, the warmth of it.

'That carried me through to the end. Did you know that? That meant everything.'

He swallowed through his dry throat. "So you're saying that if not for me, then… you would have gone back no matter what?"

Ichigo let out a long breath. "Yes." Renji's eyes lowered to the bed, and he curled the hand on Ichigo's chest into a loose fist, meaning to take it away, but Ichigo held onto his wrist.

"Renji," Ichigo said rather haltingly, scratching the bridge of his nose. "I do love being human, but there is something else."

"What?"

Ichigo took a breath, and rolled onto his elbows. "You." Renji stared for a second. "I… I love you."

The way he said it was warm and beautiful; he said it like he'd never said the words out loud to anyone before - and the verbal sentiment was overdue, and Renji found he already knew.

And as all the guilt and shame and fear came rushing out of him and he opened his arms, Ichigo leapt into his embrace and kissed him – Renji felt the moon shining down into his soul as the sun finally set, and he felt the touch of Ichigo's heart, knotted through his, and he knew. How could he ever have forgotten.

"Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yeah."

"Good."