Chapter 9

"It's not fair!"

Rachel barged into Monica and Chandler's apartment, interrupting the four friends' poker game by pulling out a chair from the table and taking a seat. Everyone saw her saddened expression and they all shared a look with each other as they knew all too well of what this was about.

"What's not fair Rach?" Phoebe asked, placing down her cards. The other three followed.

"This! Ross' stupid relationship with stupid Mona! This stupid feeling of jealousy I have because it's not fair!" she whined, her sad eyes showing just how devastated she was over all of this. She looked over at Monica and pointer her finger at her. "This is your fault!"

"My fault?" Monica wondered in bewilderment.

"Yes! You were the one who told me to let him go! You said 'he needs to heal' and 'he's not looking for a serious relationship'… well he's been dating Mona for three weeks!" she whined. "Fix it!"

Everyone looked at her as she stared at the ground, obviously holding back the tears that usually came with her emotional outburst. They all saw through her outer shell and Monica came over to rub her knees.

"Rachel, what's really bothering you?" she asked softly to which Rachel looked up, revealing her teary eyes.

"I miss him!" she cried and finally let out the sob she had been holding back. Monica embraced her in a hug and she let the tears squeeze out of her eyes.

She truly did miss him. Ever since he started dating Mona, he's had this whole other life now. She was forced to watch as he became affectionate with this other woman and her heart writhed every time she saw them together. It should be her he was kissing or smothering or being compassionate towards, not Mona. It wasn't fair.

"Well if you miss him, why don't you just go over and see him?" Phoebe suggested.

Rachel released from the hug and wiped her eyes. "I can't, he invited Mona over for the first time…"

"Ooh, sounds like someone's going to get some tonight!" Joey exclaimed but retreated when he saw Rachel's hurt expression.

"Is that what's bothering you Rach? You knew this would happen at some point."

"Yeah… b-but I always thought it'd be with me! I didn't think he'd still be dating her for this long. I thought he'd learn to date a bit then come back to me..." She looked to the ground as another tear slid down her cheek. "A-and it's not just that. I don't get to spend as much time with him anymore. He's always with Mona on a date or whatever and I'm just sitting at home alone."

"Well maybe you should find someone to go out with," Chandler suggested.

"No! The only person I want to go out with is him! H-he gets me, he knows me. He cares about me and I care about him, so why can't we be together?"

"You know why you can't be together just yet Rach," Monica tried to reason. "He's not ready for that which is why he's with Mona right now."

"And that's not fair!" She understood that life wasn't fair and that there were always going to be hardships, but this was probably the hardest one she's ever experienced. Truthfully she was scared. She was scared that his and Mona's relationship was going to grow into something bigger and she was already starting to see that happening. Him inviting her over for the night… them meeting up whenever they had a chance during the day… what she thought would only be a short tryst was turning out to be a long-term relationship right before her eyes and she was afraid that when the time came, he'd choose Mona over her. After all, to him she was just 'roommate Rachel' or 'best friend Rachel', not 'Rachel who's so in love with you it hurts her to see you with someone else'.

"What am I going to do?" she cried softly, burying her face in her hands.

Monica began rubbing her back. "You know what you're going to do. You're going to be strong for him because that's what you promised him when we were at the hospital. You said you'd be strong and that you'd be with him every step of the way as he heals, regardless of how hard it was. And do you remember why you promised him that?"

She nodded her head and responded in a soft voice. "B-because I love him."

"That's right and that's also why no matter how unfair this is right now, you're going to stick to your promise."

Rachel nodded her head again. Monica was right, as usual, and her friend's words did ease her complaints. But what it didn't ease was the pain in her chest or the fact that he was still with Mona and there was nothing she could do about it. Deep down, she knew there really was nothing she could do about it. This was just another dirty card fate was playing and she would continue to suffer from it until the next one was dealt.

Reading her thoughts like a book, her friends crowded around and gave her a large group hug. She was so thankful that she still had this family to come to, even if the most important member of this family wasn't with her, the rest of them gave her enough to let her know she would never be as alone as she thought she was.

She let out a few more tears as everyone broke away. They were only half-heartedly happy tears as the sadness still resided inside of her. There was really only so much her friends could do and the only way she'd ever really be happy again is if he was hers again.

"We know how much you must be hurting honey, seeing him with Mona and all," Monica said, using her thumb to wipe away some of her tears, "but Mona's a good girl and will only ever be the one who gave him a little push. You, Rach, you'll always be his significant other and the one who helped him through his tough times."

"Thanks you guys, Mon, I don't know what I'd be without you guys."

"Probably a huge mess if you ask me," Phoebe answered and she managed a small laugh.

"Just remember Rach, as long as you don't do anything stupid, everything is going to work out in the end," Monica reminded. "He'll come around eventually."

"I hope so…" she whispered quietly and wiped away the rest of her tears.

"Ok! So what do you say we play some poker?" Chandler suggested as he collected all the cards and shuffled the deck.

Everyone returned to their seats as Chandler began dealing out the cards and she was grateful for a chance to try to put aside her worries for a bit. But that was easier said than done as when she lifted her cards to see what she got, the first one that stared her straight in the face was the king of hearts. Immediately her thoughts went back to Ross and how much she wished he was here with her and not with Mona.

And like the king of her heart, he would always be the one she'd want with her, by her side forever.

…

Ross' attention was brought to the door when he heard the knock and he quickly made his way over. Before he opened the door, he took a deep breath and smoothed out his shirt as a small smile appeared on his face.

"Hey sweetie," he greeted when he opened the door, smiling largely as Mona stepped inside.

"Hi baby."

She lifted her chin and he gave her a quick kiss on the lips, grabbing her hands as they released. They stood there for a moment as Mona playfully swung their hands around.

"So," she started, "what are we doing tonight?"

"Well, I was thinking a romantic dinner, with some wine of course, followed by a movie."

"Ah, and what wine will we be having?" Mona asked playfully.

"Only the finest of the '75 wine," he played along and they both laughed. She gave him another kiss before walking over to the couch.

"I like your apartment, very homey."

Ross smiled. "Thanks but most of the decoration came from Rachel."

He watched as Mona wandered the room, her fingers delicately tracing a pedal of a flower on one of the side tables.

"Oh? Well tell her I like her taste in flowers," Mona said as she spun around and smiled at him. "So where is Rachel anyways? I didn't get to see her today."

"She's over at Monica's. She wanted to give us our space," he answered, walking over to her and holding her hands. "Tonight will just be me and you."

"Well I like that," she answered and they kissed again.

Later, Ross went to the kitchen to grab the dinner and wine he had prepared for them as Mona continued to wander around the apartment. When he got back, he saw her engrossed in what appeared to be a picture frame as he set the food and wine next to the candles on the apothecary table.

"Whatcha looking at?" Ross asked, placing his hands on her waist from behind.

"Just this," Mona answered, showing him the picture frame. He'd never seen it before and he guessed Rachel had put it here before.

It was a picture of the six friends crowded around the coffee table at Central Perk, all of them smiling widely at the camera taking their picture. The younger looks on all their faces suggested it was taken years ago, possibly in their mid-twenties. He chuckled silently at the late '90s haircuts most of them had and how Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey all crowded on the orange couch just to get in the shot. However, what really got his attention was the image of him and Rachel off to the side with her perched up on his lap as he hugged her from behind.

"Is that Rachel?" Mona asked, pointing at the two of them in the armchair.

"I guess so," Ross answered, seeing how they had the largest smiles on their faces and he even noticed a sparkle in both their eyes. He wondered what that was about.

"You two must be really close."

"Yeah, we really are."

Gently, he took the picture from Mona's hands and looked closely at it again. Staring at the image of him and Rachel together, he recognised that sparkle in their eyes from somewhere but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Where had he seen that before, or more accurately, where did he know it from? All he knew was that both he and Rachel looked like they were extremely happy and he couldn't help but smile at the two of them together.

"Ross?"

Mona's voice snapped him out of his trance and he turned to see he seated on the couch.

"Are we going to have dinner? Come on," she beckoned and he nodded.

He looked at the picture one more time, smiling to himself before setting it down and going over to the couch.

What he didn't know was after looking at the picture, there was a sparkle in his eyes too.

…

She finally decided to go home at around 11. Haven spent the entire night playing poker and talking with her friends, she walked up the stairs of her apartment building with an extra $40 in her pocket, although she was pretty sure her friends had let her win on purpose. It's not like having extra cash helped with anything though. She had been plagued the entire night with him in the back of her mind, and though she didn't show it, she once again found herself falling apart at the idea of him with someone else.

As Rachel approached the apartment door, she took a deep breath and silently prayed that Mona had gone home for whatever reason. She listened in for anything through the door and was surprised to hear nothing and her hopes were raised a bit. Maybe they rescheduled or maybe they got into a fight. Even better, maybe they broke up and he was in there waiting for her to come home.

All her hopes and dreams came tumbling down in a heap of ash when she opened the door to him and Mona, snuggled up on the coach as they watched some movie on the TV. Her heart broke at the sight of them in that position, holding onto each other with her head gently rested on his shoulder. That was her position; the one that she felt most comfortable when lying against him as it gave her a perfect area to inhale his scent all while feeling comforted and relaxed. Now, her position had been taken away by this other woman along with her most beloved treasure in the world.

"He used to be mine," she whispered silently, holding back the tears that were threatening her eyes.

Seeing that they hadn't noticed her yet, she quietly shut the door behind her. She hung up her coat and placed her keys on the side table, finally catching his eye when the clanging of her keys got their attention.

"Hey Rach, you're back," Ross said, giving her a small smile. She returned it half-heartedly. "How'd it go at Monica's?"

"It was ok," she answered plainly.

"Hi Rachel," Mona greeted.

"Hey" was all she said in return. Truthfully, she liked Mona. She was funny and nice and really comfortable to talk to. If not for the fact that she was dating the love of her life, she wouldn't be resenting her as much as she did now.

They both returned their attention back to the TV screen and she watched with weary eyes as Mona snuggled up onto his chest. He planted a gentle kiss on Mona's head and she looked up, earning a soft kiss on the lips before looking back at the movie. It was sweet, it was cute, and it was everything she wanted that she didn't have. She wanted to be the one he held and kissed and snuggled up with as they watched movies together. She remembered the time when she had been terrified by the horror movie Joey wanted to watch and he was there to comfort her and hold her, kissing away her fears with his compassion and caring nature. Seeing him with Mona killed her and at that moment, she just wanted to retreat to the safety of her room to be alone.

"Rach, do you want to join us?" Ross offered, gesturing to the open seat on the couch. "You love these cheesy romantic flicks."

She did and she so desperately wanted to watch them with him, but not with her. She had seen enough of them together to make her bawl her eyes out and she didn't wish to suffer the rest of the night with them cuddling within her eyesight.

"No thanks, I think I'm just going to go to bed," she answered, her voice cracking slightly.

"Are you ok? You never go to bed this early. Are you sick?" He unwrapped his arm from around Mona and made his way over to her, gently dabbing the back of his hand against her forehead to test her temperature.

All she could do was peer up into his eyes and see the care and concern he had for her. Those deep brown eyes washed away her sadness but only for a second as his hand left her forehead and she returned to reality. She quickly looked away, hoping he didn't see her tear up a bit at his affection.

"Well you don't have a fever, are you sure nothing's wrong?" Ross questioned and she nodded softly.

"I-I think I'm just tired," she lied forcing a small smile to show that she was alright, even though she was quite the opposite.

"Ok, get a good night's rest and if you're not feeling well in the morning then I'll take you to the doctors, ok?"

All she did was nod, her heart melting at the way he prioritized her first over anything. He wrapped her in a quick hug and she gently rested her cheek against his chest, inhaling his addictive scent. She never wanted to leave his arms again but when he released the embrace, all she could feel was emptiness.

With a quick 'goodbye', she headed for the bedrooms, not looking back as she knew her heart wouldn't be able to take it. As soon as she reached her room, she shut the door behind her and slid down to her knees, finally letting her emotions take over in the form of tears and sobs.

She already knew this would be the worst night of her life.

…

An hour had passed, or had it been two? Rachel sat up in bed, the darkness of her room engulfing her in a shadow of eerie gloom as the only source of light came from the moonlight shining through the small window. The room was utterly silent and the only sound that could be heard was the soft sobs being released from her mouth and the quiet drips of tears falling on the mattress.

In her hands was her infamous 'Ross box' filled with items she held closely to her heart. Each one represented a cherished memory of her relationship with him over the years and it was only suiting that in this time, when she had never felt more alone and empty in her life, she found the items that reminded her of what she held most dear to her heart.

The expensive pin he had bought her on her first birthday in the city, the first time she found out his love for her. The dinosaur bone from their first time they expressed their love for each other at the museum, a night she will never forget. A seashell from the beach, when they had attempted to get back together but also when she realised that she'd always be in love with him. All these items had a deep sentimental value to her and she would never trade them away for anything, but while it reminded her of the good times in the past, it also reminded her that she had lost the most important item of all: him.

She cried harder when she retrieved a heart-shaped Valentine's card he had given to her on their first Valentine's Day together. "You will always be my Valentine" is what it read on the inside and she brought it up to her chest with a trembling hand, pressing it against her own heart as if trying to reconnect that love from the past.

She was torn. She was broken. She was suffering from emotional pain and her heart felt like it had been ripped to shreds. Where was he to comfort her? Where was he to be her hero in her time of need? Where was the man she had fallen in love with because he was willing to risk his own life for hers? Outside, that's where he was, with Mona.

It wasn't fair.

She once had everything. He once belonged to her. Unwillingly she had let him go and now he belonged to another woman. Now, that woman had her everything and what was she left with?

Memories. Suffering. Darkness.

A new wave of tears fell from her eyes as she thought of the little hope she still held; a hope that seemed to be further and further away each day. She imagined the day when they'd be able to live happily ever after, finally putting the past behind them and moving onto a better future together. It all seemed so easy, yet as she had learned the hard way, in reality it truly wasn't.

Who could she blame for her suffering? She couldn't blame Mona; she was just a girl who was going out with another guy she liked. She certainly couldn't blame him since he was completely oblivious to the pain he was causing her and she couldn't blame her friends either as they were only looking out for her and Ross. So who could she blame?

Herself, that's who. If she wanted to get angry at someone, she could only be angry at herself. She was the one who put herself in this position with the stupid car crash. She was the one who was too stubborn to reveal her true feelings until it was too late. Yes, she was the one to cause herself so much pain and suffering.

She wanted to yell, she wanted to scream. She wanted to throw something and release all this sadness and frustration from her body. Every tear she shed was an indication of the internal pain where everything was falling apart. She felt numb, she needed love. She needed his love but that wouldn't come. No, he was unintentionally showing that to someone else.

Eventually her thoughts died down, haven been drained of the capacity to think and remember. She set the box on her nightstand and brought her knees up to her chest, allowing all her emotions to flow outwards. She curled herself into a little ball, rocking gently back and forth as she sobbed lightly into her knees.

Tired of mourning of what she once had and the memories of better days, she began to wonder what they were doing right now. Were they still watching movies, snuggled up together on the couch? Or maybe they had gone to bed, cuddled up with their arms wrapped around each other as they slept peacefully. Then, she got the worst possible answer imaginable.

It was soft, almost inaudible. If she had been doing anything else but sobbing quietly in her room, she wouldn't have heard it but the sound was unmistakable. Soft, coherent moans passed through her thin walls and she knew at that very moment, she was in living emotional hell.

It was torturous; the sound drilling deep into her soul and carving out the remaining peace and sanity she had left over. She hated this, she hated it all. It should be her making those noises with him, enjoying his company in only ways he knew how. It should be her…

"Please…" she cried silently into the night. "… Please stop hurting me Ross… please..."

But her pleads and sorrows would never reach his ears and she was left to suffer on her own; alone, tortured, and emotionally spent. Her sobs became more divulged, as if asking for help as a last ditch effort, but no one came. She was left alone with the haunting sounds that made her tremble in devastation and the eerie darkness that seemed to welcome her pain with open arms.

That night, she ended up crying herself to sleep.

…

The next morning, Rachel woke up with a faint pain in her chest, a side-effect of a broken heart. She noticed the tear stains on her blanket and she thought back to the horrific night she had just gone through, knowing that there'd be many more night like that in the near future. It was surprising she even got any sleep and she was tempted to call in sick today so she wouldn't have to leave the room. Ironically, she was sick; sick of a lovesickness.

As she slowly crawled out of bed, she looked in her make-up mirror to find someone she didn't recognise. Her hair was thrown every which way and the dark rings under her eyes made pupils look smaller than normal. Her face colour was slightly pale, her eyes were red from the constant crying, and as she continued to stare at herself in the mirror, she knew that the pain had finally numbed her to a point where her physical appearance was being affected.

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she opened her bedroom door and trudged out. Unknowingly she walked right into the kitchen and without any warning, she crashed into another person.

"Oof." With the wind knocked out of her breath, she fell back and hit the cold hard floor.

"Rachel!"

She glanced up to meet the eyes she's missed throughout the night. His big brown eyes were filled with compassion and concern and as she stared into them, she felt her heart melt right in his hands.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going. You're not hurt are you?" Ross gently took her hands in his and helped her up as she continued to stare into his eyes. For some reason, he looked even more handsome than he usually did, as if he was radiating some sort of attractiveness she had never noticed before. In this state of mind, she was completely at his mercy.

He continued to talk, asking if she was ok but it all went in one ear and out the other. She was drawn in this trance that he left her in and no matter how hard she tried; she couldn't get herself out of his eyes.

Suddenly Ross placed his hand on her forehead and almost instantaneously, she flinched backwards. Those hands, the ones that have touched another woman mere hours ago. The ones that should have been on her that night but instead tortured her with pain and suffering beyond belief and description. She imagined those hands to have Mona all over them and because of that they were like a poison to her.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" Ross asked, his voice full of concern. He took a step towards her again but she backed away. He tried again but the same thing occurred.

Thinking this was all a game; he reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her forward into his awaiting arms. He pressed her firmly against his chest, one arm wrapped around her waist to keep her from moving as he finally dabbed the back of his hand against her forehead.

She once again found herself at his complete and utter mercy. The warmth she felt being so close to him. She could feel his toned chest and abs right through the fabric of her shirt and she took a deep breath of his smell; possibly the most amazing smell in the world. It was a mixture of men's cologne and his body odour and to her, it was the most addicting and enjoyable scent. Melting in his arms, she closed her eyes and enjoyed this much needed moment, no longer caring about where his hands have been. She just wanted to be with him again.

Seeing her close her eyes in his arms, Ross smiled softly and wrapped his free arm around her head, gently caressing her hair as she rested against his chest. He hadn't known what had happened or why she looked so distraught in the morning but he could tell she could use a little hug.

Eventually breaking the embrace, he held her out, inspecting her morning look. She was still amazingly beautiful, and though he probably shouldn't be thinking this way, Mona couldn't hold a candle to Rachel's beauty. However her appearance was slightly different and struck out immediately as she didn't seem to be the same cheerful Rachel he used to see in the mornings.

"Alright well you don't seem to have a fever but you look awful. Did you even sleep last night?" he questioned.

She didn't respond. She didn't know how. Before she could do anything he peered into her eyes, catching her off guard.

"Rachel, please tell me what's wrong."

His sweet voice made her tremble on the inside and she felt the tears beginning to make their way to her eyes. She shut them tightly, not allowing them to escape as she shook her head.

"N-nothing's wrong," she lied and turned away.

"Rachel…"

Her heart wanted to tell him but her mind wouldn't allow it. She ended up giving him the cold shoulder, not letting him in, even if he was trying as hard as he was. It was the only way she knew how to keep him away.

Ross sighed, seeing that he wasn't going to get an answer. "Alright, if you don't want to talk now, we can talk later. Remember that I'm always here for you Rachel, you know that." He reached out, giving her hand a little squeeze and that little gesture made her turn and lock eyes with his again. He smiled, knowing he was at least able to reach out to her and slowly, she returned it.

"So," Ross started, turning away towards the stove, missing the tear that had dripped down her cheek. "I'm making some bacon this morning, you want some?"

"Sure," she answered, quickly wiping away the tears from her eyes.

"And would you like some eggs with that?"

"Yes please."

"Your wish is my command milady," Ross stated, taking a mocking bow. She stifled a laugh, the first one in what seemed like ages. He was still so caring towards her and still could make her laugh, even in the darkest times. A small smile formed on face. Maybe, just maybe, things weren't as bad as it seemed…

Then, her short lived happiness all came to an end as she spotted her quietly make her way over to him and hug him from behind. Her heart broke slightly and all the hope that had been resurfaced in that short amount of time was whisked away as she watched the scene unfold before her eyes.

"Good morning," Mona chirped happily and he turned around in her arms.

"Good morning to you too," kissing her compassionately on the lips. They were so happy and cute together that it tore her in half. Torture, yes, that's what this was. Torture…

"Hey Rachel," Mona said, spotting her off to the side.

"Hey, did you sleep well?" she asked with an unnoticeable sneer.

"Oh, the best," Mona answered and shared a small laugh with Ross.

That was enough for her. She'd rather die in a hole than watch him be happy with someone else. She shut her eyes, holding back tears as she felt the stinging pain in her heart once again.

"You know what, I'm actually not feeling all that well," she said suddenly. "I think I'm just going to go back to bed."

Ross let go of Mona for a second and took a step towards her. "If you're going to stay home maybe I should call in-"

"No, don't," she cut him off, looking away before he could peer into her eyes and see how devastated she was on the inside. "I-I just want to be alone right now..."

And before he could answer, she turned around and headed back to her bedroom.

…

Author's Note: I just want to say thank you to all the reviews on the last chapter. It's an incredible feeling to wake up in the morning and see multiple emails asking me to update sooner so thank you, all your support truly means a lot for me.

As for update times, I typically try to update with another chapter once a week however there really isn't a set schedule. Past experiences have taught me that setting upload dates is inefficient and isn't fair to me or any of you guys so to keep that balance of neutrality, I'll only upload when I feel the chapter is ready and has been written with my best effort.

Thanks again to everyone and I hope you enjoyed this sentimental chapter.