Chapter 8

Before break ended, I invited Killian to go to dinner with me once I got back to school. We ended up eating in my room and talking for hours. Over the next month Killian and I grew closer and closer, and my feelings for him grew stronger. I began to stress over who I should be with, Neal or Killian. Neal and I had been through so much together, and had overcome so many hardships. But with Killian everything was just so natural and effortless. I couldn't bear to even think of making such a big decision. I knew that I would have to lose one of them eventually, but I didn't want the burden of having to choose. I loved both of them very much, and in two very different ways, so it was hard for me to see which choice was the better one.

In mid-April Killian told me that talking to me and texting me so often was starting to bother him, too, because he couldn't bear to think about me so often if there was nothing between us. I told him that I understood, and that the whole thing was my fault, so I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to stop being friends. He said he just needed a few days to think things over. After three days of not talking to Killian, I already missed him more than I thought I could miss someone in three days.

I decided to tell Neal about my confusion and mixed feelings. I had tried so hard to hide my feelings for Killian from both of them, but it had begun to make me crazy and very emotional. Neal suggested that I give Killian a change, at least for a day. I told him that it was a very bad idea, but he was so persistent and told me to text Killian, "My boyfriend and I mutually broke up. I want to give you a chance," so I eventually did. Later that night, Killian came to my room so that we could talk things through in person, but talking did not come as easily as it had so many times before. After what seemed like about half an hour of awkward silence (and me trying to break the tension by mocking our awkwardness), we finally started talking normally. We never ended up talking about anything to do with the whole relationship situation though.

The next day Neal texted me and said that he couldn't stop thinking about what was happening between Killian and me, and that he thought I would realize he was the better choice by the end of the night and come back to him. Somehow, his plea worked so I said I would be with him. I had to tell Killian that I thought we were better as friends. It crushed him, and killed me to see him so hurt. We still didn't want to lose each other as friends though, so we acted as if nothing happened for a while.

I told Regina and Mary Margaret this whole thing after it happened. They both told me that I needed to make up my mind already to stop hurting both Killian and Neal, and more importantly, myself. Regina came over to my room that night unexpectedly, and brought ice cream and two spoons. "I haven't been as supportive as I should be about this whole thing," she said. "I've told you that I don't like Killian and that you should stop leading him on, but I never really considered how this whole thing was affecting you."

"Why don't you like Killian?" I asked.

"Well I didn't like how he emailed you instead of saying something to you in person. Mary Margaret and I both thought that was strange. And some of the things he said to you seemed desperate. He told you he loved you after talking to you for less than a month. It just seemed like he wouldn't be very good for you because he doesn't seem stable himself."

"Oh," I said. "Well I don't think he's unstable."

"I know. Maybe it would be a better idea if you didn't choose either of them. Just be single for a while and give yourself time to think things through."

"I thought about that," I said, "but I'm afraid that I won't be able to make a decision in time. What if I take too long and they both get tired of waiting and move on? And what if I make the wrong decision?"

"If they really do love you they'll be willing to wait. Maybe that will help your decision, too. If one of them gives up on you when you say you need time to think, then you'll know he's not the one."

"You're right. I need more time to think. Thanks."