She found it easier to focus after they had sorted that out. Body after body she tallied for two shifts, but time no longer felt like gelatin and she didn't fear the discovery of Izuru's corpse under the rubble. She knew it was terrible that she cared so little for the other dead, but they weren't her loved ones and she only had room in her heart for those few.
The sky cleared with the bodies, and the frames of buildings sprung up like trees. The mass funeral that followed was surreal, but they had grieved so long that it was- at least for her own officers- their last goodbye.
Except for Izuru. He stared upon the rows of photos and she swore it was with envy.
The tents were dreadful. So little escape, so little privacy to sort out one's troubles. She was the resourceful sort though and she made the best of her circumstances.
A collection of blankets, pillows, and a quiet spot on a hillside, and they had the night to themselves.
Izuru was sandwiched between herself and Renji, and she was held by Shuuhei from behind her. How she had missed to be so surrounded by her lovers. However course the blankets were and however flat the pillows, that was the most comfortable she had been in some time.
She laid her cheek on Izuru's shoulder, the rubbery thing, and sighed. She traced circles on Izuru's sinewy chest, where she used to place her ear and listen to his heartbeat on her bad days when it was just the two of them.
"Does it ever hurt?" she asked softly. She knew her curiosity would hurt her, but she was awfully curious.
"... no," Izuru answered. "I don't feel anything."
"Do you feel hunger?"
"No,"
"Can you taste? Smell? Et cetera?"
"... it has to be quite potent for me to taste or smell it. I can sense textures though."
"Hot and cold?"
"Nothing like that anymore."
"Does… does everything still work?"
She couldn't tell what Izuru found humorous about that. "No," he replied. "My blood rushes through me, somehow, it pushes my as I dictate it to. But I'm as good as dead outside of that."
How empty that must've felt- to be virtually dead but still awake.
"I'm glad you're still with us. I can't even begin to conceive what my life would be without you, Izuru," she told him. "I love you. We love you."
"... my heart aches when I remember how dead I am," Izuru confessed. "It leaves me breathless."
"Does your heart ache when you think about us?"
"Yes and no," he answered. "Sometimes, when I think how undeserving I am of the three of you. But your love never fails to warm me, no matter how saddened I am."
She kissed his neck then. "Swear to never leave us?"
Izuru paused, still as death.
"Izuru?" she asked. She wondered if he felt her heart pound against her ribcage, she wondered if he felt her skin flush worriedly.
"I can't promise that," he croaked.
"Why not? Are we not enough for you to stay?"
"That's not what I'm trying to say, Momo. I am a dead man. For all I know, this body will shortly wither away. For all I know, if I ever sleep, I may never wake up."
What a nightmarish image- that one morning she may roll over onto Izuru to find a fly in his dry eyes and totally unresponsive as she shook him. It made her woozy.
"Won't you stay with us as long as you can, in that case?" she asked.
Izuru kissed her ever-so softly, with such enamoration it felt almost like their first. "I'll try."
Shuuhei hummed, squeezed her, and rubbed his cheek against her hair. Most likely, he had heard their entire exchange- and Renji too. That was fine by her. It was a conversation they probably all should've heard.
Their barracks were eventually rebuilt. Shuuhei's was first, they gladly followed him in.
It was wonderful to have a nest again. How she'd itched for Shuuhei's coffee, for their morning rituals, to wake up between three bodies and surrounded by love, and how she'd itched to return home to the arms of her lovers after her workday.
The mornings she woke up surrounded by only two bodies were the worst mornings.
Izuru was at the table, bent and rest upon his forehead, and four empty vases of sake surrounded his head like a halo.
"Were you drinking all night?" she asked.
"It didn't do shit, if you're getting to something along those lines," Izuru grumbled.
"I care more about your misery than your drinking," she replied. "Help me with breakfast. You know moping makes it worse."
"I don't care," he grumbled.
"About me?" she asked. "Do you not care about me anymore? Or Renji or Shuuhei?"
"Don't twist my words like that, Momo," Izuru said with an exhausted sigh.
His tone felt a little bit like a knife in her chest. "I'm not twisting your words. One can not care about quite a bit, and you were unspecific," she said. Manipulative of her, sure, but he had been vague and he knew she took vagueness personally.
"Let me wallow for once, woman," he grumbled.
She hated how tears welled in her eyes. Izuru could be so cruel when he was miserable.
"Fine," she sniffed as she threw fish from the chill chest onto the counter, "throw a pity party for yourself."
Izuru sighed moments later. He stood behind her and circled her waist. "I'm sorry, Momo, that out of line. Please forgive me?"
She sniffed again. She ought to apologize for how emotional she was, but she was always scolded when she'd apologized in the past. "Only if I get a kiss," she said instead.
Izuru's lips pressed against her neck, tender as cold as they were.
"Can you start the coffee? The infusers are in the second drawer," she asked.
He wordlessly obeyed. She leaned her head against his shoulder as he prepped beside her.
Shuuhei emerged some minutes later. "You two are up fuckin' early. Especially you, Izuru. You sleep as long Renji does sometimes," he yawned. He kissed her unkempt hair then.
"I'm dead, I don't need sleep," Izuru told him.
"... ah," Shuuhei cleared his throat. "I-is the coffee almost ready? My head's pounding."
Izuru hummed affirmative.
"Breakfast is nearly done too. Can you fetch Renji?" she asked.
"I can try. He sleeps like a log. I wonder if he takes sedatives before he goes to sleep…."
"Doubtful. He's been a deep sleeper since I've known him- the Kuchiki woman tells me the same," Izuru said.
"Wait, when did you and Kuchiki-san start talking?" Shuuhei responded.
"Before lieutenant gatherings. I think I somehow gave her the impression that I'm the conversational type."
"Well, do you humor her?" she asked.
"I remain as terse as possible. Alas, she scares me so I'm afraid to outright tell her I don't care to make smalltalk," Izuru confessed.
Shuuhei snort. "I don't blame you- she scares me too. Actually, most women here scare me."
She laughed as she listened to her lovers' exchange. "Okay, go wake up Renji. I won't let him miss breakfast."
"Yes ma'am," Shuuhei sniffed.
She and Izuru set the table with breakfast and four place settings. They sat beside each other and she dished out her fish and miso.
"I should've made mashed potatoes. I've been craving calories lately," she said.
"It's because you only eat breakfast, and when you do eat more than just breakfast you binge comfort food," Izuru said as she sipped her warm coffee.
"If you weren't as guilty, I'd be offended."
"I can only refer to you fondly, my love."
She smiled and kissed his cheek.
Shuuhei and Renji emerged then, the latter as if he was weighed down by lead. Poor thing took ages to wake…. But he did, as he always did after a couple of kisses and when Shuuhei sat him in front of breakfast.
Izuru picked at his food like her brother did when he felt unwell. She scoot herself and her meal closer to him, sat herself in his folded legs, and picked at his mangled fish for him.
"Open," she said to him.
Izuru frowned. "I'm not a child," he grumbled as she bumped fish against his lip.
"Do it for me, Izuru?"
"I don't need to eat," he insisted.
She fetched the hot sauce and generously doused his soup and fish. "Try it now."
Izuru chewed thoughtfully, and then nodded. "That's better," he confessed.
"I can start adjusting my recipes for you accordingly. It might take some experimentation before it's any good, though," she replied. She kissed him once more before she slid off of him.
They had been through so much together, taken so many blows and survived. It was nearly impossibly for her to picture them separated in any shape or form. And she knew, no matter what, after everything they had survived, any other accommodations that were required for Izuru were elementary.