Renji stood in the hall for some time, slumped against the door, letting his legs sag at the knee slightly.

This was exactly what he'd been afraid of, coming here alone without Rukia there to keep things from getting weird between them. It wasn't that Renji found it hard to be Ichigo's friend – they've spent ages alone together before. This time around, it just seemed especially hard.

It doesn't even make sense really. Just as an explosion slows over time, living with this massive wonderful painful thing inside of him should be getting easier over time. He and Ichigo didn't see each other every day anymore like they'd used to - they hadn't for a couple years now. They've been apart for long enough that Renji should have moved on by now… but his heart…

He swallowed and looked at the ground. There was no chance, there never had been, and he knew that, he'd always known that, he'd known it from the very beginning, but it didn't matter, because emotions don't obey the brain - they obey the heart - and despite all the time and space apart, his heart won't seem to let him fall in love again, out of some pathetic loyalty.

What's worse was that this crush – scratch that, these feelings; 'crush' made it sound juvenile and fickle, and three and half years going strong had definitely exited crush territory – these feelings weren't even a secret. That was part of why he'd been hesitant to come here alone, because how he feels isn't a secret, not even close.

Ichigo knows that he loves him. They've never had a conversation about it or anything, but Renji knows that despite his careful efforts to keep this to himself, Ichigo was still able to tell, Ichigo still knew how he felt about him.

Most people would take that to mean there was no reason to keep it inside any longer, that it was a pass to be out in the open about it, but Renji wasn't a jerk. He knew there was a reason that Ichigo had this knowledge, yet never said anything despite knowing about his affections, and that reason was that Ichigo didn't reciprocate. Ichigo didn't feel the same way, and didn't want to have a confrontation about it, didn't want to fall out.

Well, Renji didn't want those things either, and also, there was the fact that Renji wasn't a dick, and he didn't want to push his feelings on someone who didn't want them, so he'd accepted very early on that he'd have to keep this to himself, and he had for quite a long time now. He wasn't going to confess and make Ichigo uncomfortable, make their relationship strained and unbearable, he wasn't going to force Ichigo to end their friendship. Renji was strong enough to endure this pain.

What sucked the most was that he couldn't comfort himself with hoping that this would pass.

'Three years now, and two of those apart from each other – this isn't going to pass.'

Renji could handle it. He was used to the idea really. It was just… he'd forgotten how hard it was… how painful.

When he didn't see Ichigo every day, he could forget the hardship of adoring him in silence, in keeping his care and admiration and teasing all within the realm of friendly banter. He could forget how hard it was to see Ichigo and laugh with him and joke with him and love him, yet somehow have to find the strength to contain this heart, to keep this enormous powerful feeling inside of him and not let it out.

Coming here had brought it all back. Being alone together with nothing there to keep him from poisoning their relationship with these unwelcome feelings, with nothing and no one to stop him except his own resolve, it seemed nearly impossible to control.

It seemed impossible every time he saw Ichigo's face, to not just fall at his feet and blurt out, 'I love you! God, I love you!'

But Renji's not a jerk, and no matter how impossible, he would keep it inside. He had to – especially now, when Ichigo needed the caring hand of a friend. If Renji was anything, he was a good friend, and he would never betray that trust, he'd never be that selfish. He cared about Ichigo too much.

Renji grimaced wryly, glancing down at Ichigo's cat, who was sitting there near his feet and staring up at him, tail waving back and forth. "This sucks balls," he shared with it quietly, and it seemed they finally agreed on something.

It followed him as he headed into the kitchen, put some ice in a bowl, grabbed a towel and a glass of water. When he felt brave enough, like he'd gotten his shit back together, he went back to Ichigo's room.

Ichigo propped himself up on his elbows at the sight of him, as if he'd been waiting. "You okay now, you spazz?" he grunted, still sounding confused, his eyes narrowed the way he did when he knew something was fishy.

Luckily, they were both excellent fakers, and Renji easily ignored the scrutiny, instead grumbling back halfheartedly, "Who's a spazz..."

After a cursory glance around the room, he noted with some alarm that the other cat had since moved to an unknown location, and, feeling mildly hysterical, he thought dismally that if this week with Ichigo didn't kill him, his crazy cats would.

At least it seemed like he had a temporary truce with beast-cat, who'd followed at his heels into the room, placed a paw on his leg to use him as a foothold to peek up over the side of the bed at Ichigo, and then sauntered back out and down the hall when it deemed the two of them uninteresting and worth no further concern.

Renji set the bowl and towel on Ichigo's bedside table, moving his lamp and clock a bit to make room, and then offered the glass to Ichigo, who took it and sipped the water. Sitting down next to him again, back against the bed and his legs stretched out, Renji realized that he didn't think he'd seen Ichigo eat any of the snacks earlier. He was sure he must've eaten something, but he couldn't remember clearly.

"Hey, have you eaten anything?" Renji wondered, propping his arms up behind him to stretch his shoulders out. "Anything you want?"

Ichigo set the glass down and snuggled down beneath the blankets. Renji could see him settle his hands over his tummy under the covers. "Now's not a good time," he hummed. Renji hesitantly accepted that, but still turned towards him and frowned.

"Well then you should try to rest now," he mumbled, leaning his head on his hand. Ichigo's brow scrunched up.

"But if I do, you'll be alone," he protested, "and after you came all this way so we could hang out…"

Renji cracked a wry grin. "Well I don't have ta' go away," he suggested. "I can hang out in here – I could crash right here on the floor." He quickly waved a hand, "I'm joking, I'm joking."

Curling his toes up, a pit of dread burned hotly in his stomach. Maybe he didn't have as much control of himself as he'd thought…

To his relief, Ichigo seemed to think it was funny, because he cracked a smile. Renji laughed a bit, scratching his head. "Anyways, don't worry about how I feel, just focus on getting better."

Ichigo pursed his lips and pulled his knees in. Renji stared for a moment or two, wondering whether he was misinterpreting what seemed to be a clear invitation. He realized he'd been correct when Ichigo raised his eyebrows. Renji blinked for a second more, then leapt onto the bed and happily wriggled around until he was comfortable.

He half-laid by Ichigo's feet, propped up on his arms with his legs hanging off the side of the mattress.

"So," Ichigo prompted brightly, starting the conversation for once, to Renji's delight, "how's your new job?" Renji rolled on his side and rested his jaw on his hand, allowing his grin to go a bit soppy at the sight of Ichigo wrapped up in his blankets all snug and cozy. "Is it what you expected?" Ichigo asked, and from the hesitant way he asked it, it seemed as though he almost didn't want to know the answer.

"It's great," Renji shared, "when Kuchiki's not cracking the whip over my head, that is." They laughed together for a bit. Ichigo quirked a smile.

"Other than that though? You're happy with it? I know how hard you always worked in school for this. Worth it?"

"Yeah, it's just…" Renji hummed, as always, disliking the thought that reaching his dream was a bit sour without Ichigo at his side to take pride in his accomplishment. He had Rukia, but the downside of having two best friends was that he needed them both in different and equally important ways. "Just… not the same," he mumbled.

"Same as what?" Ichigo questioned.

Renji gave a hesitant shrug. "I did get what I worked for... It'd be selfish to want more than that," he said.

"No, it's not," Ichigo muttered back, giving him an incredulously offended look, and Renji shrugged again slowly.

"I guess I just miss how things were," Renji shared. "Me an' Rukia goin' ta' school, you guys all in high school, all of us hanging out together..." He took a wistful breath and let a smile come to his face. "You and Ishida bickering all the time, Orihime bringing her snacks around and everyone encouraging her, Asano flipping out, Tatsuki and Chad... Whatever my buds were doin'..." He grimaced. "Everything's different now... Some stuff's better, yeah, I finally have my job and my own place, but none of us hang out like we used to. We don't do that stuff anymore. Not now that-"

He cleared his throat. "It's just not the same."

They went quiet for a moment, Ichigo silently watching him, and just as Renji was about to laugh it off, there came a sudden yowl and spitting from the living room. Renji startled, then realized it was the cats fighting.

"Shit," Renji muttered, aghast, and went to sit up and get off the bed, but Ichigo shook his head.

"It's fine, they do that a lot," he assured, "They don't ever hurt each other. They're just loud."

Renji furrowed his brow, but eased back. Ichigo sat up a little bit, turning his head as if he could look out the door and down the hallway. "Are you sure? It sounds…" It sounded like some serious mauling was going on, and that one cat seemed so much bigger and crazier than the other quiet one…

Ichigo listened for a second, then called, "Hey!" and then they both sat in silence for a moment when the cats stopped for a time.

Huffing in satisfaction, Ichigo muttered, "Grimmjow thinks he's tough, so he fucks around." He laughed then. "Heh', there was this one time he-"

Renji watched in concern as Ichigo paused and touched his forehead, then eased himself back down, wincing. Then he sneezed heavily, winced harder, then sneezed again – he moaned in pain for a moment, but the noise was cut off with another great sneeze. He finally lay still, then coughed a bit wetly, looking as though the stuffing had been knocked out of him.

"Here, take a drink," Renji offered, handing him the glass again.

"Thanks," Ichigo rasped back weakly.

Without thinking, Renji immediately said, "It's nothing to me," and Ichigo looked at him for a long moment, both of them holding the glass together and staring. Renji blinked first, letting go and turning his gaze away, kicking himself for the little slip.

'Why not just say 'it's nothing?' Or better yet, keep your mouth shut altogether. Will you stop doing this, Abarai? God, why do you have to be so fucking obvious about it?'

Ichigo held the cup on his lap and was quiet for a few breaths, then wondered, "Why're you taking care of me?"

Renji's shoulders tensed, and without turning around, clenched his eyes shut. Here it was. It'd finally happened. It had been bound to happen, really, that Ichigo would acknowledge it sooner or later. How could he not when it must be plastered all over Renji's face.

"… You know why."

It was quiet after he finally said those words - quiet and uncomfortable and horrible, and Renji felt like throwing up. He'd tried so hard to avoid this, he hadn't wanted this more than anything. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't he have just-

Unable to look at Ichigo, Renji cleared his throat. "I'm just gonna'-" He pointed over his shoulder and almost stumbled onto his face as he stood up and leaned down to grab the futon that was still rolled up on the floor. "I'll go sleep out there."

Operating solely out of a sort of numbed panic, he couldn't think past a blur of 'fucked it up-lost everything-everything-everything gone-all of it gone-'

"Ehh, hey…"

Renji froze when Ichigo snatched a hold of his belt from behind, his hand fisted around it, pressed against his rear. He straightened up and looked back to see Ichigo staring up at him. Ichigo blinked back at him for a moment, then let go with a frown.

He pulled his hand back to his chest and said, "Ah, sorry," in his usual calm bored tone.

Renji ducked his head. "No, it's fine, it was my fault," he said stiffly, scratching his neck.

"No," Ichigo repeated, "I'm sorry anyways."

"…" Renji stood there awkwardly, and Ichigo fidgeted a bit, frowning hard.

"You don't have to go," Ichigo said somewhat tentatively, as if testing the waters, and Renji stared at his feet and bit his lip to detract from how much his stomach hurt, how hard his heart was pounding.

"It's fine," he grit out on reflex, "I'll let you sleep."

"No, it's okay, you can stay in here," he insisted firmly, and Renji hesitantly raised his eyes to Ichigo's, to the warm reassurance and the boundless trust there.

"... Are you sure?"

"I just don't wanna' give you my cold," Ichigo joked, rather flatly, but Renji could always tell when Ichigo was having fun with him. Even there, when the corners of his mouth went down instead of up, he could clearly see it was a smile.

"Don't worry about me," Renji said, as meaninglessly as he could make the words sound, hoping that they didn't both realize what they really meant.

"Okay, well, then just..." Ichigo reached a hand out and tugged at his shirt a bit to try and drag him back. "Lay down here."

Renji allowed Ichigo to coax him back, and unrolled the bedmat on the floor next to Ichigo's bed, sitting cross-legged on it. Ichigo smiled down at him, his hands folded on his stomach in satisfaction and his eyes warm and shining – and everything was not gone or lost or fucked up. It was okay.

"If it's really okay," Renji mumbled sheepishly.

"Yeah. As long as you're not bored," Ichigo said with that same tone, flat and almost sour, but clearly amused, and kind, endlessly boundlessly kind.

Renji smiled, sighing through his nose. "Not a chance."