Chapter 7

I didn't know what to say, so I said, after a moment of stammering, "What do you mean?"

Tweek's face was cold and flat as he said, "He told me you slept with him." He didn't sound sure of himself. I could tell he was waiting either for me to break or to deny everything.

I could've - I could've tried to dodge, to lie, to convince him Kenny was just a jealous lunatic. All these things came to my mind, but I knew I would never end up using any of these tactics. I knew that now was the moment that defined what kind of person I am. Now, I had to tell him the truth.

"I… Yeah. I did."

Tweek didn't move, didn't bat an eyelash before he said, "Why?"

I didn't let myself craft an explaination. I knew this had to be from my heart and not my head. "I'm so sorry, Tweek. I was just having a harder time quitting drinking than I thought, I guess. I - I didn't…" I closed my eyes as his face started to fall. "It was only once. I'm so sorry."

After a moment of collecting his thoughts, he said, "I know I haven't been the easiest person to be with," Tweek began, his words coming out in a robotic monotone. "I'm sorry this has been so hard for you."

"Tweek, please, don't - "

"Just wait, Craig," he interrupted. "God knows I've slipped up trying to get clean myself. Just… just tell me you're not…" He swallowed. "In love with him."

"Of course I'm not," I replied. "I'm not." I wasn't, I was sure. Kenny had his allure, but it was nothing but a drizzle of rain compared to the hurricane that was my love for Tweek. No matter how naive, how different Tweek's outlook on life from mine, it's one that I loved being exposed to. "I love you so much, Tweek. It was a stupid, stupid mistake."

He didn't look at me as he nodded his head twice. "Okay."

I waited and waited, but he didn't move, didn't make any indication that he was thinking.

I said, "Tweek, please. Just say something."

After an impossibly tense five seconds passed he said, "I got accepted to Harvard's graduate program."

This was so separate from what I'd been expecting that I stared at him for almost thirty seconds before I responded, "O-Oh. Well, that's - that's great, Tweek! Harvard, wow!"

"Yeah."

"I - so, Boston, then? You're going to go, right? You're going to accept it?"

"Yeah."

We stood in another tense silence before I finished the train of thought: "D-do you want me to come with you?"

I eagerly awaited another "yeah" but was sorely disappointed. Tweek turned away from me and said, "He said… Kenny said I'm not the right one for you. Maybe he's right. Maybe this would be best for us - me going to Boston… and you staying here."

"God, Tweek, no!" I cried. "He's wrong - he's wrong, Tweek, I love you. You're perfect for me. I love everything about you, every single thing. I wouldn't trade a thing about you for all of Kenny's best qualities."

Tweek turned back to me. "Okay. O-okay." And he hugged me and I couldn't stop kissing him and telling him I loved him. It had never been so true.

He forgave me (though I knew deep down I didn't really deserve it) though he didn't let me off the hook completely. He promised we were okay but that, for the time being, he needed to be alone. He spent the entire night writing, and I spent the night tossing and turning.

When I got up at eight after only a few hours of half-sleep, Tweek was already gone to school. I texted him to have a good day but he didn't reply. When I walked into the living room, I saw a blanket and pillow on the couch, where he must've slept.

Luckily, I had a day shift today and it took my mind off of Tweek and Kenny. I thought a little bit about (possibly?) moving to Boston and Tweek going to Harvard. I didn't have much keeping me in Colorado except my friends, but with most of them graduating this year, they would likely move away themselves before too long. Besides, I would follow Tweek to the end of the earth no matter what stood in my way. Of that, at least, I had grown more and more certain.

Only on the drive home from work did I really give in to my wandering mind. I thought about how lucky I was that he'd forgiven me for cheating on him. I didn't know that I'd forgive me if I were in Tweek's shoes. I'd forgiven him time and again for relapsing, but this was different. I knew Tweek would never cheat on me - I only wished he could say the same for me.

But I'd meant every word I'd said - I would never do it again, and I couldn't be more in love with him and less in love with Kenny. My guilt about what I'd said to him yesterday was history, replaced with an indignant frustration at his honesty with Tweek. I wondered what made him decide to tell him. A sense of moral obligation? I doubted it. No, knowing impulsive, jealous Kenny, this was all revenge. I hadn't texted him or talked to him since yesterday, and I had no intention of doing so. I didn't want to give him any sense of satisfaction.

I was surprised to find Tweek still gone when I got home at nearly eight p.m. I turned on the lights and saw, even more shockingly, not a single article of Tweek's clothing littered on the apartment floor: not a single sock on the couch or t-shirt draped over a dining chair. I walked to the back of the kitchen toward his writing desk. Usually completely covered in papers, it was now baren. My heart started pounding. What was going on?

I rifled through the drawers, usually filled to the brim with pens, notebooks, packs of cigarettes and lighters, but found them cleaned out.

I went into the bedroom and saw the closet, usually bursting with clothes dirty and clean, both mine and Tweek's, eerily spotless. The bed was made, and there was an envelope on it. I couldn't understand, couldn't accept it.

But as I tore open the paper and skimmed the first few lines of a short letter, I knew it was real. He was gone.

Dear Craig,

I'm sorry, Craig. I'm on my way to Boston. I didn't mention before, but part of my acceptance includes early completion of my degree at Denver. I graduated today.

He left without me. My throat closed, my head spun. I couldn't believe it. Tears blurred my vision and made it hard to keep reading.

Kenny showed me a video of you guys making out. It was dated a week before you even tried to quit drinking. Even if you didn't look much happier with Kenny in that video than you've ever looked with me, you lied.

But you did look happier. I can't say that's not part of my reasoning for leaving.

"T-Tweek, no," I murmured to myself. "No, he tricked me into that - Kenny - " It was an understatement to say that I was lost for words.

I'm sorry, Craig. But I really do think this is for the best. We can both start fresh. I think that's both what we need. I threw all my drug stuff into the creek this morning. I know I can get clean, but I think for now, I need to be away from you to do it.

I love you, but I can't keep letting myself fall back into the same old routine of forgiving you for messing up and trying to convince myself it's not my fault. As much as I feel like I need to be away from you to get better, I think it goes both ways. I'm just as toxic to you as you are to me.

And people like that can never be happy together. Trying to be is futile. In some battles, the folly is not in letting go, but in holding on.

I'll send you my new address when I get to Boston. I'll have to get my parents to send me a few things I left behind.

Goodbye.

Love Tweek.

For a few moments, I could do nothing but lay face-down on the bed and bawl my eyes out, while simultaneously breathing in his scent from the sheets. I'd never cried so hard and so long in my life. I'd ruined everything. I'd ruined the only good thing in my life, and for what? A half-hour rush of adrenaline in a moment of weakness?

I hated myself. I couldn't even bring myself to hate Kenny anymore. Sure, he'd gone behind my back and shown Tweek that stupid scene from his "movie" - which I doubted even really existed at this point. It seemed like such an over-the-top, petty thing to do. Was that who Kenny really was? I'd known him all my life and I never would've thought he'd do something like this.

Then again, when I first started dating Tweek, I never would've thought I'd ever cheat on him.

For a few hours I was immobile in bed, staring at the note and reading it over and over. Then I get out my phone. I was going to text him, beg him to take me back, but I got distracted reading back our recent text conversations.

As I scrolled upward, I saw nothing but one- and two-word answers from Tweek over the past few days. Even before he found out about me and Kenny. Maybe he's right - I really am toxic for him. I was so wrapped up in my own problems (and taking control of Tweek's) that I never realized how unhappy I was making him.

Whenever he's with me, he can't stay sober. Maybe he's right. Maybe for him to be happy, I have to let him go.

When I finally sat up, remade the bed and washed my face (though my eyes were still red) I made myself a coffee and sat down on the couch.

What was I going to do? I'd been with Tweek since I was sixteen. I didn't even know what life looked like without him.

I took out my phone again to think of something to say to Tweek, but just as I was about to start typing, it buzzed. A text from Kenny.

"hey, Craig, are you mad?"

I wanted to be apathetic to not give him the satisfaction, but bile was already rising in my throat and fury made my thumbs type a furious response: "no, why would i be? oh right, because you ruined my relationship. yeah, kinda mad." It wasn't as cutting as I'd hoped, but the passive-agressive sarcasm was just what I needed to push his buttons.

But aparently escalating things wasn't on Kenny's agenda, because he responded humbly: "i'm really sorry."

I waited a minute for the excuse that would undoubtedly follow, but to my surprise, four minutes passed without any addendums. I didn't know how to respond, really. "fuck you," I began. But I deleted it and tried again. "why did you do that? why did you show tweek the damn video? whyd you even tell him in the first place?"

I figured he'd need a few minutes, so I got another coffee and came back. To my surprise, he'd only sent a few words in reply: "because i'm a bad person."

A few seconds later, he added, "and i'm in love with you."