A/N: It's been a while, hasn't it?
Enjoy.
Odd, how quickly the cold sneaks up on a person. Of course, cold is only the absence of heat. In reality, it doesn't exist. How then does it grip me so tightly? If it has no substance, no grounding in reality, it shouldn't be able to affect me so much.
Ah, but it does.
And after a year of being out in the cold, after letting the heat be drawn out of one's life, all one starts to feel is numb.
It was unhealthy, ne? Letting someone hurt me because they filled the aching chasm in my chest? But running away didn't fix things either, it made them worse. Sadly, running away is all I've ever done and sometimes, I wonder if it's all I'll ever be good at.
So maybe that's why I'm standing out here, in the rain, letting the chill water soak through my black coat and numb me to the bone. My lips are blue, I can't feel most of my extremities, yet here I stand, unwilling to move because I don't remember how to make my muscles move. My tendons are frozen and my cords have been cut. I'm stuck in time, letting the rain slowly smother me.
I don't remember how I got here in the first place but I'm aware I won't be leaving any time soon.
There are few people outside right now, I'm almost entirely alone. No one would dare bother me right now. To the casual observer, I must look insane. Drenched from head to toe and just standing here, because I can't bring myself to do anything else. The hollow emptiness inside of me has been gnawing away at my resolve for a year now. Like a moth to a flame, it had brought me here straight back to my vice, my game, my downfall.
Right back to the monster's den.
Shizuo always did have a way of drawing me in, of filling the cracks in my chest that always seemed to be there, where they could let heat out, leaving me with only its absence. He's like a drug, addicting as those cursed cigarettes he always smokes. It doesn't matter that this last year has been one long apathetic nightmare I've been desperate to escape from, I should never have ventured all the way out to Ikebukuro again.
He'll probably kill me.
At this point, I might let him. It'd be easier than continuing to drag myself through each boring day without the hope of a moment of excitement in sight. Among all the things that kill my humans, and there are many, boredom is the deadliest. Especially for a veritable god like me.
I think I came here because of business. I think there are several important papers in my pocket that are no doubt ruined beyond any hope of legibility. I think I had a purpose that overrode my deep set aversion to ever returning to this district.
Somehow, it all just drained away once I got here.
The pavement below me holds a thin coating of rain water, the drizzle above not enough to cause anything more than little rivulets running down the street. It's plenty for me, perfect at permeating my clothing and leaving me cold.
It really has been a year since I've seen him, hasn't it? The thought hurts me in a roundabout way, almost like it hollows me out until I collapse in on myself. Of course, Shizuo probably prefers it that way, I was only ever a nuisance, one he finally got rid of, he doesn't miss me. I don't miss him, not really. After all, I despised him.
I still despise him.
Summoning up my willpower, I try to move but the apathy that has consumed me over this last year keeps me still. Just standing here, letting the rain soak me, not enough to wash away the thoughts that keep me up at night, too much to ignore and just move on. I'm trapped in this storm like a leaf being tossed down a river, like a mouse caught in the jaws of a cat.
Like a god finally lured onto the hunting grounds of a monster.
Funny that the only creature I hate is the very thing that colors my cursed life of eternal boredom. Without Shizuo, everything's just dull. Gray and blue, bleached and shadowed. Boring, so so boring.
He drove me out, he was the one who tried to kill me that night, he would have if he hadn't been stopped. The image of him, standing above me, ready and willing to crush the life out of me remains in my mind. Burned there like the monster had taken one of those cursed cigarettes to my brain and seared himself into my memory.
Funny that he still smokes at all, isn't it. Clinging to a vice I gave him in the first place is ironic, considering how much he claims to hate me. I suppose I can't complain, though, Shizuo always did make it ridiculously easy to worm my way into his life and wreak havoc.
Always stuck playing one continuous game, the only game that never ceased to amuse me, the only thing I could do to make my life feel complete.
So maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe it's because I didn't quit the game quite as neatly as I thought I had. Even though I no longer have the will to move, I want to feel that rush that only Shizuo can bring once more. Even if it's only one last time.
Because the root of my obsession is boredom and only Shizuo makes it go away.
Alas, I'd be a fool to suppose he won't kill me this time. Just like last time.
Although it's hardly evening, the streets are dim and cloudy. What little isn't obscured by rain is filled with steamy fog. The gloom makes each individual passing me look like lone wanderers, traveling through the mists of the afterlife. Stuck forever in dreary purgatory. I wonder what my humans are thinking, what has brought them out into this soft rain and where they're going to escape it. The question only holds my interest for a few fleeting seconds before the thoughts are whisked away.
One figure, in particular, draws my focus instantly as he steps out of the rain and slowly walks in my general direction. The first thing I see is the smoke, smothered by persistent rain, then the cigarette becomes clear, followed by the large, calloused hand holding it. Next, I can see the damp black vest of a bartender's uniform, then the wild strands of dyed blond that the rain hasn't yet managed to tame. His fiery eyes are fixed on the road ahead of him but I can sense their presence regardless.
My breath catches and I sway on my feet as something like warmth trickles up through the soles of my shoes and slowly thaws the ice that has solidified inside me over the last year. Experimentally I flex my fingers, enthralled by the feeling they have regained. For some reason, Shizuo hasn't noticed me yet, perhaps the rain has dampened his senses. What seems more likely is that he no longer cares about what I do or where I go. The idea hurts, though I can't explain why.
Of course, I'd like to think the cigarette between his lips says otherwise. I can't be the only one who remembers that afternoon on that roof.
As he nears, the almost entirely forgotten rush of adrenaline floods my system and suddenly, I'm granted complete control of my body once more. Just in time to turn towards him as his path crosses mine, just in time for him to notice my presence.
For one long moment, Shizuo and I do nothing but stare at each other. Unexpectedly, a thrill of fear courses through me as I see the glimmer of something in his glowing, golden eyes. He's going to kill me, isn't he?
This close, I can smell his cigarette, although, I've come to identify it as a scent wholly specific to Shizuo. Everything about the monster is infused with tobacco and heavy smoke. The smell is a heady one that puts me on edge. For the first time in a year, I feel like a shadow of the person I once was.
Face to face with my beast, I feel like Izaya Orihara again. It's a wonderful feeling.
"Shizu-chan," I hiss, and a familiar smirk twitches as it tries to come to life on my face. "Funny seeing you here." It is funny. I've never put much stock in fate but this can't be the result of coincidence alone. A series of disconnected events that led me to this moment, right back to Shizuo.
The monster doesn't growl, his face doesn't twist in rage. He just stands there, wet, staring at me like I'm an apparition that will vanish if he moves too quickly. Quietly, as though trying to decide if I'm real, Shizuo mutters, "Izaya." then after a long moment of silence, "What are you doing in Ikebukuro?"
"Maybe I'm here because I want to be Shizu-chan," I suggest, my mouth twisting into a sneer, even though my chest feels tight. It must be the smoke coming from Shizuo's cigarette. I have half a mind to pluck it from his mouth, just to piss him off, but I don't. All I do is smirk at the beast like I haven't been gone a year and seeing him again doesn't set me on every edge I've ever had.
"I thought you were never coming back." I can't tell if his words are a statement or a thinly veiled threat. Considering our history, I must assume it's the latter and I respond accordingly.
"What a shame then that I came to ruin your wonderful life without me," I simper, frowning dramatically. "I hope you enjoyed your year of peace." I'm sure you'll have more soon.
"Flea…" Only a fool would miss the warning in Shizuo's voice and I actively try not to be one of those, even though I end up one often enough when the beast is involved. Already I'm ready to move, ready to run but I can't help but make one last parting comment. Having the last laugh is a habit ingrained into my nature so deeply that even the beast can't rip it from me.
Reaching up, I give in to my dangerous impulses and pluck the cigarette from Shizuo's mouth. With a raised eyebrow I roll the smoldering stick between my fingers before pursing my lips around the filter Shizuo just had his teeth clenched around. As if I'd done it a million times before, I drag in a lungful of nicotine. It burns going down yet the dumbfounded look on Shizuo's face is priceless and absolutely worth it.
Grinning, I release the smoke into Shizuo's direction before flicking the remaining cigarette away. "Addicted as ever, ne Shizu-chan?" Then, I turn around and run.
Instantly, I'm caving.
This chase isn't like any of our old games. Neither of us speaks a word as we tear through the water-soaked streets of Ikebukuro, both of our minds focused on only one thing. Even though I'm not running my mouth like I always would before, the very action of fleeing from Shizuo brings me back to life. Rain slaps my face, stinging as it hits cold flesh yet it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm able to feel again. Strange that I couldn't see how much I wanted this before.
Shizuo doesn't make any of the beastly sounds I'd always associated with our fights, he just runs, fast, straight, eyes fixed resolutely on me. In return, I don't bother with any of the many tricks I have up my sleeves. All I do is propel myself forward, just fast enough to keep out of the monster's grasp.
If anyone sees us running through the rain, I'm sure they'd think nothing of it. After all, aren't all our fights characterized by damaged property and biting insults, punctuated by Shizuo's roars and layered with the intoxicating smell of cigarette smoke? This is something the likes of which my dear humans have never seen before.
My feet pound the pavement, each step sending shocks through my legs. Without the constant abuse these chases gave me, my body protests my unfamiliar actions, screaming at me to stop and breath. But behind me is Shizuo and stopping would probably mean certain death.
Ah, but what I'm doing now is only prolonging the inevitable, ne? Because I already know how this is going to end. One last fight before I let the beast win.
A final cure to my eternal boredom.
It's not that I want to die, it's simply that I have nothing more interesting to do. Better to die like this than go back to being bored. If Shizuo is truly the only cure then let this satisfy me enough to make my inevitable demise at his hands bearable. I think he knows the end of this game too, that's why he hasn't thrown anything at me or shouted threats my way. Even a dumb animal can sense when their prey is cornered.
But maybe I'll win because I'm allowing Shizuo to finally be rid of me.
And in return he'll let me be rid of my unhealthy obsession.
Because being obsessed with the person I despise is absolutely horrid for me, no matter which way I spin it. Ever since we met, ever since that day on the roof, ever since I crawled away from that last fight bleeding, wishing my boredom had some other fix, a different solution. One that didn't leave me bleeding and wanting more. Ever since then, Shizuo has always been the recurring variable. The disruption in my life. The cure.
So to escape my own thoughts I push myself harder, channeling every bit of adrenaline I possess into these last moments. As expected Shizuo matches my pace, his own thundering footfalls closing in on me.
Into an alley I dart, no sense letting my precious humans witness what are sure to be my final moments. Only one soul will see it and he isn't even human. Plus, it's a chance to be rid of the cold drizzle. Unfortunately, the rain still manages to find its way in between the buildings so I duck into a smaller alley, then another, aimless in my choices. Now, all I can here is my own heart and Shizuo closing in for the kill.
In these final minutes, I've never been farther from empty. Without even speaking a word, Shizuo has managed to fill up the gaping holes in my insides with warmth, burning fire that races through my veins, replacing blood with emotion. Content is what I feel as I finally hit a dead end, tucked in the shadows of three old walls. Perfectly content to just sit back and accept my end.
The feeling is tainted, though, tainted with a single what if that I dare not voice.
Turning, I wait.
Shizuo doesn't disappoint me. He rounds the corner and stops at the mouth of the alley, taking a second to just watch me. Neither of us moves for a long moment. Spurts of rain still dampen our chosen location but for the most part its dry, if still misty and foggy, warmth from the buildings surrounding the alley steaming up the air. All I can see of my old enemy is a dark silhouette, looming, imposing.
Slowly, Shizuo reaches into his pocket and withdraws something. A few clicks of his lighter later, it becomes apparent it's a cigarette. The mildly damp paper takes a moment to catch but when it does, it glows hot and red. Even from where I stand, I can smell the spicy, heady nicotine-laced smoke. It contrasts with the water vapor in the air and spirals through it lazily.
Seeing no point in even pretending to put up a fight, I lean against the wall at my back and chuckle, wondering despite myself why the laugh sounds so bitter. "It's been a while," I comment, peering at the beast through carmine eyes. "Ne, Shizu-chan?"
Plucking the cigarette from between his lips, Shizuo exhales on a laugh of his own. "Yeah, it has been a while Izaya." Taking several steps forward till I can clearly see him through the gloom, the ex-bartender furrows his brows and mutters, "This is where I'm supposed to kill you, isn't it?"
"Yes," I respond silkily, staring at Shizuo almost regretfully. I want you, but I despise you. I crave you, but I hate you. I need you like you need those cigarettes. Kill me, free me from the curse only you can cure. "I suppose it is."
A/N: There's no real reason I wrote this when I did, a thought just struck me.
I hope the tone from the last two chapters carried well. I'll try and post again soon, I usually write stories like this in two chapter increments.