I am so sorry this has been a long time coming. My parents and I took a day trip at the start of this month. I spent about 2 weeks recovering physically from it (part of the reason it hit me so hard was how I was treated...not allowing someone with a cane access to the elevator, not nice!). Having a week of high heat (humidity made it in the 100's), put me out another week. Please forgive me.
Thank you all for reading and please, use caution as this can be triggering!
"I think Roy was right," Brackett confessed to Dixie as she followed him into his office.
"I know, Johnny seemed more..." she struggled to find the right words. "Guarded almost. It was as if he was trying to act as we would expect him to and yet, he still couldn't seem to cope well. Any questions that required more than a few words or more than a basic description annoyed him, especially coming from you. Johnny didn't even talk much before you came in, no matter what I did. I don't know the last time that happened!"
Sighing heavily, Kelly sat on the couch next to Dixie.
"Until someone finds out what is going on or he tells us himself, there isn't anything we can really do besides make sure John knows he can talk to any of us here or at the station. Otherwise, unless it affects how he does his job, we can't force him to open up."
Dixie out a sigh of her own before sigh before wondering, "So do we let Hank and Roy know about our suspicions?"
"I'm afraid as much I'd like to, we can't tell Roy despite him having Johnny's medical power of attorney. However, if he asks, just say that you can't reveal any information. That alone should tell him that he'll need to keep a closer eye on Johnny."
Pausing a moment, Brackett looked thoughtful before continuing, "As far as reporting that John isn't coping well with things as well as he'd like us all to believe, I feel we should tell his Captain. This is work related and the injuries were caused during work. I know Hank will be watching out no matter what, but hopefully by telling him I believe Johnny is closing himself off and denying how much these last four or five months have impacted him, it will give Hank a better idea what to look for when Johnny returns to work.
"I also think that I can contact whoever Johnny gets for physical therapy and just let them know that I'm concerned about him. That it might be best to watch a bit closer and report to me if they feel Johnny is pushing too hard or they have any other worries."
Nodding, Dix rubbed her forehead as she felt a headache grow. She hoped that she and Kelly were just being overly cautious and outlining a plan after meeting with Johnny on a bad day. However, with all her medical experience, especially in the military, she knew the likelihood of that was minute and that her friend was likely in need of help.
As feared, Johnny began pushing himself to regain his muscle strength. If he was honest with himself, he found the weight lifting exercises for his wrists to be more painful than expected, which, for reasons unknown to him, helped him sleep better at night. The visions of people crying out in terror and pain didn't go away, but they did lessen, which justified his actions.
Plus, the sooner I get back to work, the better, John reminded himself that first week.
That was the reason each time given to the petite, perky young lady who was assigned to work with him on his physical therapy to regain strength in his wrist and ensure he would be fit to go back to work. Her words of caution or reminders that a delay could occur if he continued pushing himself at this pace did nothing. Left with no other option, at the beginning of the fourth session, she merely had to suggest that maybe she should "talk" with Doctor Brackett and see if there was something else that should be done before Johnny began listening.
Angry at the idea that someone would do so, simply because he told them he was itching to get back to what he deemed to be business as usual, his mood darkened further. What he viewed as a threat made him retreat further into himself. Johnny would go to the PT sessions, run daily and do the basic household chores, but beyond that, refused to leave his apartment. Worse yet, he closed himself off more from his friends, talking on the phone for as short as time as possible before making excuses. The few times Roy or his Captain stopped by, they were met by someone who seemed more restless and hyperactive than normal.
Knowing how badly everyone had been affected by the arsonist and the numerous bad runs, both the Captain and Roy tried to talk about how John was dealing with it. Each time, he gave what appeared to be thoughtful answers which showed that although it was still troubling him, Johnny was dealing with the past months as well as everyone else. Looking closer, both visitors would see tell-tale signs that not all was as reported: fingertips trying to stay out of sight so they could move restlessly, eyes that didn't quite look into their own eyes, a change of subject that could be blamed on the subject matter and how Johnny's mind worked. Unfortunately, Roy and Captain Stanley had worked with John too long to be fooled. Without any admission from Johnny or a direct reason that they could supply for why mandatory therapy sessions were needed, there was no way that either man could go to Doctor Brackett and ask for them with Johnny before he received a release for work.
Johnny figured out within three visits what the two were up to since the visits were spaced out to almost every third day, pending when the station was on shift. When that occurred, the next day, the person scheduled to show up would. Captain Stanley would visit after Roy came. Each time, the conversation would rotate around to the months prior to his injuries or how his injuries occurred. When talked dwindled, which it usually did within a half-hour, John would be invited out and when that was denied, the offer to call whenever he needed was extended. Never a fan of talking about his problems in the first place, all these well-meaning visits did was alienate John from his shift mates.
"I cry blood, not tears," he muttered bitterly to himself as he watched in horror, disgust, and fascination after enduring yet another agonizing visit from his captain.
He had always pictured himself as having a steel safe for his deepest emotions. Somehow, despite what he desired and had done his whole life, they were escaping. Johnny didn't know how or why, but each time they freed themselves, he became more worried and afraid. It seemed like memories would build too fast for him and the only way to shove all the messy crap that was seeming to kill him from the inside out was to do something painful to himself.
Running until his lungs and muscles burned didn't help for long. Bending back or pushing forward joints didn't either. The one thing, the only thing, seemed to be cutting. Seeing the blade run across his tanned copper skin, the skin parting, the sharp stinging and then the blood dripping down. It was like a high he had never known before, not even while working.
I wonder…will I ever be able to stop? he wondered.