As Doctor Brackett arrives, Hank takes his wife Sylvia and their three kids out for dessert. Once the vehicle left, John just stood in the living room, shuffling back and forth on his feet, clearly nervous and unsure what to do. At the suggestion to just sit down and relax, Johnny plopped down and stared at his feet for a few seconds. Allowing the silence to stretch out, Kelly wasn't too caught off guard when Johnny blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"Why the heck are you doing this, doc? I mean, I'd think that you wouldn't allow me to leave the hospital or send me to the psych ward or something."
"Normally, I would," Dr. Brackett admitted. "But I know a lot of people hold to the old way of thinking and while in some cases, I think that maybe some people do cut themselves for attention or to try and end their life, I can't see it with you. Unless I'm reading you wrong."
Shaking his head in denial, Johnny ran his hands through his hair in frustration, "Trust me, if I could, I wouldn't be doing this. I just, well, I don't even seem to know I'm doing it till it's too late!"
Watching the emotions play across Johnny's face, Brackett saw not just frustration, but confusion, fear, and hatred. There were also things that he couldn't quite figure out.
"Why don't we just take things one step at a time," he offered. "Tell me the first time you remember pain helping you."
"I'm not really sure," John said slowly. "I know it's when I had my cast on and my ribs were still healing. I'd do stupid stuff, like hitting my wrist or moving in a way I knew I shouldn't."
"Alright," nodded Kelly. "One thing I want to point out is that it isn't as stupid as you believe. What you have been doing is not a good way of coping, but I'm betting that the pain is helping in some way, right?"
"Yeah, it's kinda like erases the stuff going on in my head when it gets to be too much. Like when I feel can't breathe anymore."
"Are there any particular memories that you think cause the problem?" the doctor asked, already suspecting what the answer was.
Breathing harder, Johnny began scratching at his skin as he told the doctor about the numerous nightmares he'd been having.
"I keep hearing these people screaming for help and the families yelling at us for not doing more. Or the people hating us for not getting us to them sooner, 'Cause it means they are living with some sort of permanent injury. I see the flames trapping everyone and people unable to breathe."
"Okay, okay," Brackett breaks in, grabbing hold of the hand that is starting to really dig into the flesh. "Has this ever happened before?"
"Nah, I mean, there's been bad times, but with this arsonist, I don't know. It's different. I just keep hearing people saying we should have more information, caught him by now and yet, we hardly have gotten anywhere!" Jumping up, Johnny began to pace. "It's just so frustrating!"
Calmly, Kel remained seated, studying John.
"What about yesterday? What was it about yesterday that was worse than normal?"
"I don't know," sighed John.
"Was going back to work hard?" Doctor Brackett prodded.
"No, not until the arsonist stuff came up. It actually helped being around the crew again."
"So, when the fire was called in…" Kelly started before Johnny broke him off.
"No, actually it was that sketch that made me, I don't know, feel like my skin was too tight and I needed to do something about it," John realized. "If we hadn't had such a busy day, I honestly am not sure what I would have done."
"Did you recognize the person?" Dr. Brackett asked, trying to not show how eager he was about the possibility.
Reviewing the sketch in his mind, Johnny went through the victims he took care of before his injury, which weren't many as it had been so long.
His face lighting up, he spun around and sat on the chair, "Yeah, that guy looked just like an older version of that victim that was trapped under those pallets. You know, the ones that fell on me?"
Realizing how stupid that sounded, he scoffed at himself, "I know, stupid, no one ages that quickly and how would anyone go from having a whole nose to a nose with a piece missing. One that even I can tell isn't recent as it's healed."
"It is possible that there is more than one arsonist," Kelly pointed out. "It could be a father and son working together."
"Maybe," John said doubtfully.
"I think it's something we should let the police know about. I'll be happy to go with you tomorrow," promised Dr. Brackett.
Getting a nod from John, he continued on, "Right now though, I want you to concentrate on if there is anything that you find sets you off and leads you to cut. No matter how big or small."
"Besides the nightmares or remembering things, I'm not sure," Johnny admitted. "It's just like, my brain is going in so many directions and filled up with so many bad thoughts and I can't get that to stop. Half the time I'm not even aware I'm doing what I'm doing till it's done, ya know?"
"What have you done in the past when things got bad at work?"
"I would go camping, but that hasn't worked. I'd go hiking, again, not working," Johnny admitted, feeling more depressed.
"I know you'd talk things over with Roy, have you tried that?" Kelly asked gently.
"No," John shook his head. "What am I supposed to say? 'Hey, I got too many thoughts in my head and they're trying to making me hurt myself, can you help?' I don't think so."
"Well, that would be one way of doing things," Kelly said smiling, in an attempt to lighten things up. "But I do think telling him what is going on might help. Roy may be feeling overwhelmed and frustrated too. Maybe he isn't sure you want to talk since in his eyes, you haven't been dealing with it for a couple months. Maybe he's trying to protect you. I do think, however having someone else on your crew know that you're struggling with cutting is important."
"I wouldn't know who to talk to…definitely not Kelly. Marco, I can't see either. He wouldn't know how to deal except pray to St. Jude. Mike, well, he's a good guy but not the kind you talk to, you know?" John rolled his eyes. "Besides, why bother, it isn't like you're ever going to let me work again."
"Once we find some better coping methods and you learn to use them, I don't see why not," Doctor Brackett said calmly. "I will need to be assured that you know you can turn to certain people when you need help and for a while, I will need a visual check to ensure that you are keeping your word."
Holding up his hand to forestall the arguments he knew would come, Kelly said, "In my eyes, cutting and self-harm is like being an alcoholic or a drug addict. I don't believe you have become addicted yet, but as your doctor and more importantly, as your friend, I want to ensure your safety and health."
Sighing heavily, Johnny nodded, knowing that he really didn't have much choice.
"Is that anything you'd like to talk about? We have a few minutes before the Stanleys come home."
"Just, how long till I can go home?"
Thinking about it, Kelly shrugged his shoulders, "I don't have a good answer for you. I know you hate depending on people, but your Captain and his family are more than willing to help as long as it takes."
Seeing the car lights pull into the driveway, Johnny quickly said good-bye and went into the guest room, not willing to stick around any longer. They could talk about him all they wanted, he was just exhausted and wanted to sleep until the next session tomorrow morning.