Reply to annoymous comment: I do not feel I was whinning about lack of reviews. Rather, I felt I was expecting my opinion on why I may not continue. Yes, reviews are good, but I look at if anyone is reading it via the traffic indicator. I don't wish to waste time or energy fighting to write a story that isn't read.
Also, I admit I struggle with grammar and such. I do the best I can. That is all I can do, but I do appreciate the tips given. I never thought of them.
As for what you say about those of us who self-harm, I thank G-d you cannot understand the reasoning behind it. Dealing with autism, bipolar, pain issue and more since birth made things difficult to cope with on a day-to-day basis. Hurting myself was the only relief I found at age 11. I hid it successfully until I was 15 thankful as I didn't want others to know. To this day, having almost 3 years without harming myself, I still have urges to do so. I still feel embarrassed at times. As my mom says, 'she is sad that I couldn't find some other way to feel better'.
She, my family, my various therapists and doctors have never described self-harm as anything but a coping mechanism. If you look for information to learn about it, you may see that. We (self-harmers) don't always start out thinking this will be a long term issue.
Sorry for the long note, but I felt that I should post the guest review and despite their lack of ID, hope that this reaches them as well as others who may wonder why I allowed it or feel the same way.
Again, thank you all for the support and any suggestions are welcomed. I am glad to be continuing this as I feel this is making me stronger.
Slamming the door behind him, Johnny fought to catch his breath.
Please, don't let anyone notice, he begged silently, as he fought to maintain his composure.
Spinning around, disorientated a bit from all the overwhelming feelings, Johnny wasn't sure where to turn. As a hand gently touched his shoulder, he jumped slightly. Seeing Dixie, his eyes pleaded with her for help. Seeing the frantic look, she merely led him to a private lounge, normally used for families receiving bad news. As soon as the door closed, Johnny seemed to explode.
"I got to get outta here, Dix," he begged, pacing and scratching frantically at his skin.
"Why's that?" she asked gently, trying to ignore his behavior, though she desperately wanted to comfort him.
Digging into his skin more, drawing blood this time, Dixie couldn't stop herself and grabbed Johnny's hands.
"Just tell me what's going on sweetie," she said, struggling a bit to hold on to him.
Gasping, he struggled for a few more minutes before giving up.
"My skins of fire and my brain won't shut up!" he snapped. "Just let me go, I gotta get outta here!"
"What's your brain telling you?" Dixie asked, ignoring his demand.
"Roy's gonna freak. Not gonna want to be around me. Tell everyone. Gonna get kicked out. So stupid. Dumb. Idiot. Should be locked up," he ranted uncontrollably, unaware the door had opened up.
"Johnny, no, I don't think that at all," Roy told him, taking Dixie's place.
Forcing him to sit down, Roy wrapped an arm around him, "Look at me."
When Johnny just shook his head and continued mumbling about his worthlessness, how he just knew Roy wouldn't want to be around him, and shouldn't be around people, Roy sighed. Taking Johnny's chin, he forced Johnny to face him.
"I don't think you're crazy. Well, any crazier than the rest of us," he grinned slightly, trying to bring humor into the situation. "Sure, you're struggling right now, but that is understandable. This situation stinks to high heaven and well, we failed you in a way. We should have noticed that you were struggling, but we were too wrapped up in our lives and trying to deal with the pressure from this arsonists. I guess everyone thought that since you weren't on the front lines so to speak, you weren't feeling the pressure like we were.
"We were wrong. And I am so sorry that you've had to go through all this alone. I don't blame you at all for finding the coping mechanism you did. Honestly, if I were in your place, I mighta done the same or started drinking," Roy confessed. "I just hope you can forgive me and the rest of us for basically abandoning you."
Shocked, John looked into Roy's eyes and saw the guilt, "No, no way man, it's not yours or anyone's fault. I didn't want to talk about it. The counselor cleared me and I wasn't brave enough to speak up."
"I think right now, we need to stop blaming," Kel broke in. "We could go on for a long time about the 'could haves', 'should haves', 'if onlys', but now we need to focus on getting you well Johnny."
Nodding, John heaved a sigh and asked, "How we gonna do that, cause I thought of punching a hole in the wall in here."
"We keep working on finding other ways to let you release the stress first of all. Hopefully, with the support system here," Kel indicated Captain Stanley, Dixie, Roy and himself. "You'll find it easier as time goes on to come talk to us when things start building up. We'll also talk one on one about what you're thinking."
"How long do you think it'll take?" Johnny wondered.
"Considering you want to get better and this hasn't gone on for long, I'm optimistic it won't take long," Doctor Brackett assured him. "But for now, why don't you go on home with Hank and rest. I'll stop by later today just to see how you're doing. I do want you to know I'm proud of you though. You did great dealing with the stress."
Blushing, Johnny nodded as he stood up and walked to the door. As he left with Hank, Dixie gave him a quick hug. Both Roy and Dix told him to call anytime, day or night if he needed to talk. Feeling more confident, John was even more determined to work hard.
Over the next five days, Johnny continued staying with Hank and meeting with Doctor Brackett daily. Each day seemed to get a little easier, although there were times that were harder. When he was finally allowed to return home by himself on the sixth day, he was both relieved and scared.
"What if I backslide a lot? What if I can't handle being on my own yet?" Johnny worriedly questioned Kel.
"I think you're ready, but remember, if something happens or you're worried you might hurt yourself, you have a lot of people you can call," Kel reminded him. "This has to happen sometime and if I didn't believe this was a good step, I wouldn't recommend it. You just have to have faith in yourself and remember how far you've come in such a short time."
Nodding, Johnny knew the doctor was right. He was able to figure out his thoughts more clearly and when they overwhelmed him, he wrote them down in a journal now. Although the urge to hurt himself when he was feeling anxious or he had nightmares was still there, he again wrote down what was happening and why. It turned out that writing things down was just as good, if not better than cutting to some degree. Yet, oddly, he missed it as well. According to Doctor Brackett though, that was a feeling he'd just have to learn to deal and live with at least for a while. The urge may always be there however and he'd have to be on guard more with his feelings.
So, with these things in mind, Johnny moved back into his apartment with Roy's help. Roy had been true to his word and the only person he told about what Johnny was going through was his wife Joanne. It was a good thing, as there was one night he had to call his friend at 1:00 am, terrified his dream was reality and Roy had been the one injured by the arsonists.
Thankfully, Joanne had understood and Roy came over. They talked until the sun came up. Feeling thankful and blessed, he had taken the whole family to breakfast before meeting with Kel. After explaining what had happened, he was surprised to see the doctor's expression.
"Why the heck would you smile at that?" he asked, puzzled.
"You've been on your own for a little less than three weeks now and we reduced our sessions every third day. Yet, despite the fact you have less guidance and support dealing with things, you knew what to do. I'd say that is a major step forward," Kel said, smiling proudly at his friend. "You've been doing so well, that I think you might be ready to get back to work."
Taken aback, Johnny blurted out, "Are you sure?"
"We've been working to that goal since the first day," Kel gently reminded him. "I know with the two arsonists still lose, it'll be difficult, but I believe that you have the tools now to deal with the stress. Besides, I think this will help you face some of the fears you still have."
Nodding reluctantly, Johnny sighed, "So when will I go back?"
"Well, I checked your scheduled," Kel admitted. "How about in two days?"
Shocked, Johnny's eyes widened and thought about returning to work. Slowly, a smile covered his face.
"I can't wait, doc."