Rory dropped the bundle of papers to her knee and chewed on her thumbnail, deep in thought, as though Jess were a logic puzzle that she had to solve. Suddenly her tongue found the taste of dash-grime and, with a scowl, she ejected her thumbnail from her mouth. "Why would you leave me if you loved me?" she asked herself rhetorically.

"Geez, Rory."

"No really. I want to know," she asked, finally turning the question to the only one who could actually answer it.

Under the pressure of her stare, Jess finally waved dismissively. "Stars Hollow. School. Me. You really want to examine the motives of a 17-year-old kid? I was stupid. About a lot of things. And you were mad at me."

"Oh," she said as she relaxed into the upholstery, her grip loosening on the bundle of papers upon her knee. Another item slipped and tumbled down her leg. "I wasn't really mad at you, you know."

"Sure."

She caught his glance then. "I really wasn't. I was just... confused." I still am, she thought.

After a moment she mused, "I was stupid too."

"Nah," he dismissed warmly.

"Yes! I shouldn't have let you go without a fight." She sighed as Jess looked at her, two question marks for eyes. "I lied. Deep down, I knew you were leaving. I mean... you didn't say it... and I didn't want to believe it... but I saw the duffle bag on the bus." She shook her head in frustration. "I did! I saw it and I knew there was something you weren't telling me and deep down I knew you were leaving but I thought there was nothing that I could do about it because I was too scared to talk to you so I told myself you were just running an errand. And why didn't I just talk to you instead of blindly clinging to the hope that you'd be there when I got out of school?"

"It wouldn't have helped."

"Maybe it would have. You don't know. Our problem was we never talked. I was always too scared to say anything to you and you were just a closed book. Things just got so hopelessly festered. Nothing was ever out in the open."

Jess shook his head, looking inquisitively into her eyes. He didn't appear to understand what she was saying. Frustrated, she added, "Like that party. Nothing at that party happened like it was supposed to―and why didn't I just tell you?"

He cleared his throat. "What?"

"At Kyle's party? I wasn't mad at you. Well... I was kind of mad but not really. Not for the reasons you might think anyway. I didn't blame you for the fight with Dean. Dean was out of line. Dean was a jerk! And I wasn't mad about... the... the other thing."

Jess just stared blankly so Rory went on, feeling that she was not expressing herself properly. "About the moment, in the room, with the..." she explained abstractly. "Well I thought maybe you wanted to..." In frustration at the words that refused to be spoken, she shook her head. It didn't matter anyway. The tension in the car was palpable and, with the way Jess swallowed, she was sure he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Anyway, I wasn't mad about that, because that was something that I'd been thinking about also." Rory's cheeks heated as Jess's eyes widened and she realized what she'd just admitted to. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, I should've told you I wasn't mad about those things."

Hot breath bloomed from Jess's mouth as his jaw fell slack. "Then what were you mad about?"

She guffawed in exasperation. "I was mad about you not telling me what was wrong! I'm not an idiot. Obviously something was bothering you that night. I wanted to help."

"You couldn't help."

"You don't know that! Besides, if we had've just talked about it instead of getting into that stupid fight... then there wouldn't have been that even more stupid fight with stupid Dean and... well I've always thought that that night was the beginning of the end. If we had've just talked, it could have been preventable."

"Rory, I just didn't want to talk about it. It was too shitty."

"But Jess, if we can't come to each other with problems, then what's the point? What are relationships for?" Rory blushed again. Her comment was uncomfortably presumptuous, as though she and Jess still had a relationship to save.

To her immense gratitude, Jess didn't latch onto it. He just shrugged helplessly and they plunged into another silence. Jess stared out the windshield and Rory stared briefly at his scowl, before finally stuffing the treasures she'd found back into his glove box. As the silence stretched on, he dug his hands into his pockets and slouched down in the driver's seat. His eyes darted randomly across the darkened scenery laid out beyond the windshield and, finally, he spoke, "You were thinking about it?"

Rory crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned likewise to face the silent sentry of the surrounding pine trees. Leaning away from Jess, she admitted further, "I—I was. The... the timing was just wrong. I wanted my first time to be happier than that... and you weren't happy."

"Oh," he replied morosely. After a moment, he added. "I am an idiot."

Despite herself, and her discomfort in having this particular conversation, an unexpected laugh bubbled up in Rory and escaped with a gurgling rumble through her nose.

"Yes you are."

With a whimpering smile, Jess's laugh was nearly silent.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I can't stop you."

"The hang-ups. Were they from you?

"Hang-ups?"

"The phone calls with the immediate click and subsequent dial tone? After you left."

Jess looked down at his lap, his defenses defeated. "Yeah, they were me."

"I knew it. Well, I mean, I thought so. I didn't know for sure." She sighed. "Another thing I screwed up."

"What?"

"Well, that last time when I yelled at you, you never called again. I told you not to call and―again!―I let you go without a fight! I drove you away," she added matter-of-factly.

"Oh come on."

"Yes, I did," she said, her voice low. "I told you not to call and you never called again. It's my fault you didn't call. It's my fault we never talked about it."

"Rory, shut up. It's not."

But it was. She felt it. She'd loved him and she'd let him go. She'd had good opportunities to stop him, to tell him she was in love, to convince him to stay so they could work out their problems, to give him a reason to return. She'd had so many chances to simply speak with him, perchance to learn something valuable. She'd given up on him though and she'd never made any effort. She'd let him believe he'd meant nothing. Anything more than that had seemed too hard and she'd taken the easy way out.

"Jess?" she whispered.

Jess quietly cleared his throat before croaking out, "Yeah?"

"Is it true? That you really love me?"

Jess turned his gaze away and sighed.

Rory took hold of his jaw line and guided his gaze back towards her. She leaned forward, into his personal space. He wore a different scent than in highschool and this one was far more intoxicating. Base notes of sandalwood reached out to her, subtle but lovely.

"Rory, don't." He took her wrist, pulling her fingers away from the stubble of his cheek. But he didn't look away.

He held her instead, strongly, with his warm, supple fingers and with a concerned gaze, rich with something she couldn't identify.

She was close enough that she cast a shadow across the side of his face, a silhouette partially blocking the orange glow of the streetlamp. But still his eyes reflected. Or perhaps they radiated, alive with purpose, an intensity. She swallowed hard.

Jess released her wrist and placed his palm, trembling, on her cheek. His hot palm cupped loosely, and yet she couldn't move from the weight of it. Before she knew it, she felt the gentle tug as the pad of his thumb drew along the length of her bottom lip.

In a moment, he could be kissing her, she realized weakly. Almost despite herself she imagined what that would feel like, her blood and breath accelerating. The old Jess had returned in a musty old car parked in a Woodbridge parking lot. But he'd brought with him This New Jess with his revelations of love and his sad, soulful eyes and his intoxicating scent.

She imagined the kiss, begun of his impulse naturally (because he always was the more impulsive one), but followed by her reaction to it. She saw herself, with hands buried in his hair, as she'd struggle against gravity and her awkward, bulky coat to lift her torso into his arms.

The upholstered springs of his old car would creak as they came together, lost in a moment. He would be strong, powerful, as he pulled her in tight. All just as she remembered from the delirious moments they'd shared in the past.

She was surprised by her own longing. Her strain for breath dizzied her.

His lips parted. His brow twisted into a look of torment. She closed her eyes and drifted closer as she felt him do the same.

His lips had barely touched hers (indeed by his initiative), a trepidatious little taste of each other, when he'd rumbled a deep throaty moan and loosened his grasp. No, she thought, feeling him retreat. She placed a hand on his far shoulder, meaning to guide him back into her arms.

That is, until he pulled mightily against her grip, startling her with his abrupt vehemence, and she thought about it more objectively. They broke apart as Rory, with a gasp, jerked back to the passenger's side. The springs of the passenger's seat pinged and creaked as she sprung back.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed sadly, avoiding her eyes, vigorously raking his fingers through his hair.

Details flew in an out of focus as Rory tried to come to grips with what had just happened. Her eyes flicked from his arms to his lips, his eyes and back again. "Yeah," she whispered, her heartbeat coursing. She'd thought she'd never trust him again and yet here she was, kissing him, allowing herself to be kissed by him—by Jess—and not wanting the kiss to end. "You're not kidding."

They stared at each other in shock. While Rory merely felt confused, Jess's face painted a picture of abject horror. After a loaded moment, Jess fumbled with the keys still hanging from the ignition. "I'll take you home."

"Nnnnn," Rory murmured unintelligibly as she reached out and placed her hand on his wrist, pushing it down, away from the keys.

"We can't Rory."

"No. Not that we can't but…"

"It's crazy, Rory."

"Yes!" she agreed, yet her fingers still encircled his arm.

"I didn't mean for this to happen." He turned from her and muttered, "This is so wrong."

"Yes. Yes. It is wrong. Very wrong..." But her heart did not jive with her head. Everything that she knew was inconsistent with everything she suddenly felt. "Why is it wrong?"

"Because we can't get back together!"

Rory sat back, surprised at the harshness in his tone. Shivers coursed along her arms so she grabbed them and held them tightly to her torso. "Well of course not!" She hadn't even been aware that that was what their conversation was about. All she knew was she couldn't go back home now. She couldn't pretend that nothing had happened. And she didn't want to. She wanted to know what it all meant. She wanted to figure this out. Getting back together, on the other hand, was certainly crazy and everything her head told her she didn't want, but… "You said you loved me," she accused.

Silence.

"And you do, don't you?"

"Rory. Shut up," he pleaded.

"Well don't you?"

"Well, yeah," he shrugged his shoulders and plaintively cried, "I love you."

"And you loved me before too."

He swallowed hard, pleading skyward. "Yeah."

"The letters in your glove box prove that."

"If you say so." He shook his head sadly.

"Well then..."

"Look, don't even try to justify this. It's… It would be wrong."

"Then why would you open up this can of worms again?" she cried in frustration. He'd kissed her. He'd kissed her! He was the one making declarations!

"Look. I only told you I loved you because you deserve to know. I wanted you to know that… that... it wasn't a sham or anything. It was real. But admitting it doesn't mean I want us to get back together. I didn't mean to start anything. It's just one more stupid thing I've done in a long list, leading you on this way! It's just―" He gasped for air. "You told me you loved me, once kinda, and I just wanted to―I just wanted you to know. But I don't want us to get back together."

He moaned, no longer speaking to her, raking his hair again, "What am I doing? I was just supposed to get my car and get out of town. You weren't even supposed to know I'd been here!" That was the declaration that really hurt.

"Fine," she spat, turning her eyes away from him in disgust.

"Okay."

They sat in silence for a moment, both staring blankly out the windshield. Finally Rory fumbled with the door latch. In a moment she'd heaved open the door and stepped out into the cool air. She heard Jess moaning her name but she slammed the door behind her and blotted him out.

Her heels sank into the spongy grass as she strode into the dark void of the park. Jess would probably drive away now and that was fine. He could drive off to his beloved New York. He could drive right into the East River as far as she cared. She didn't want to even look at him, much less talk to him anymore. She could walk home from here. She was very familiar with the quaint, residential neighbourhoods between here and Stars Hollow. It would probably only take twenty minutes to walk, especially at the angry pace she'd set. That was just enough time to cool down, wipe Jess from her memory and put on a happy facade for her mother.