Crazy trouble with love part 4
Bat-mite and Harley
Series: DC
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-Inbetween the Fourth and Fifth dimensions-
Sitting at home was a small being who was dressed up like Batman and with his room filled to the brim with memorabilia of said crime fighter.
"You mean Batman?" He asked while looking at the screen. "It's more like a shrine or something but memorabilia works too." he floated up and hovered around. "Since he first became made I've done all I can to ensure my collection is the best in all dimensions."
He then pointed to a book with him on it. "But there is one story that even the two crazy authors don't know off." he moved over and opened it while it was shown to be a comic. "Let me tell you on how I did something most fans of Batman WISH they could do."
The comic opened as the screen changed into Gotham city. It was late at night and seemed empty while a door appeared out of thin air before opening as the same figure floated out and snapped his fingers before the door disappeared.
"That was for a dramatic entrance. What did you expect? Red portals and a portal gun?" He said while floating around. "Now let's see, should I sneak a peek at what our hero is doing, or maybe I could go around and see what his enemies are up to. Then maybe I can team up with him if I tell him some important info." He then got an idea. "I'll just see what the dastardly Joker is up to."
He snapped his fingers and popped out of place before reappearing at the old rundown building before floating over near a broken window.
Inside was the Joker working on his new Joker Gas while making sure that the exploding pies are in place for the bat.
"Hey stop using that term, it's stupid."
Sorry.
"No prob, but before I forget, just call me Bat-mite otherwise I'm not gonna be properly introduced."
Um...it was for the Batman not you.
"I don't mean about the plot." he facepalmed before spotting Harley walking into the room.
"Oh Mista J~" she smiled while holding her hammer. "Wanna rev your harley?"
"I'm busy." he remarked without looking at her who was wearing a black sleeveless top with blue jean shorts and without her mask to show her natural face.
"But Mista J, I have the hammer and the pudding."
"Not now, I'm trying to get the best of Batman here."
She pouted and set the weapon down before moving over and draped her arms around his shoulders. "Come on Mista J, maybe you need a little time to kick back and relax~"
He frowned before smiling. "You're right, I should relax."
SLAP!
"When the bat is good and dead!" he yelled while Harley reeled back from the slap as he went back to his work without another word.
"Yep, this guy is all sorts of crazy."
So is that imp Myx...Myxpl...um….
"Don't strain yourself." he saw Harley look at Joker with hurt while rubbing her cheek and walked out while grabbing her hammer and looked at her with sympathy. "I will say this though, she's one of the characters I always felt sympathy for. She had it all, but gave it up for a man who doesn't know the feeling of loving another." He then tried thinking of some ideas.
Several thought bubbles showed up involving random stuff, or other stuff that might work but it would mess with the whole universe.
'Hmm, maybe I should try something I never did before.' he snapped his fingers and appeared in the building, specifically where Harley's room was and spotted said girl curling on her bed while sniffling.
"Mista J...why?" She cried while not noticing the imp.
He hovered over and landed on her bed before lightly tapping her on the shoulder.
But she was too sad to notice-
"Huh?" she blinked and looked over her shoulder before seeing Bat-mite wave at her as she jumped and scurried back with wide eyes. "W-What the?!"
"Hello."
"W-Who are you?! Some kind of misshapen Robin?!"
"Not at all, but I do get that a lot." he floated up a little. "You can call me Bat-mite, Batman's number one fan."
"...never heard of you." She said while looking for her hammer.
"Don't bother." He said while holding it in his hands. She jumped and he set it to the side. "Before you scream, let me explain. I'm a being from the fourth dimension, and I can do pretty much anything."
You mean fifth dimension right?
"I know I wanted to test you."
Jerk.
Harley shook her head and frowned. "Oh yeah? Prove it bub."
"Well," he started to change his form into a cat before it exploded and reformed into a hyena and back to him. "That's just a small portion mind you."
Harley was surprised and shook her head. "Alright, so you can do magic, big woop. Now tell me what you're doing here."
He sighed before pulling out a projector and played it. "Well I'm just a fan who really admires Batman."
She scoffed and hugged her knees while they saw the projector show various moments of him. "Nothin' special about him, and it's all his fault."
"Really?" He asked while a picture of Harley in her Arkkum uniform popped up. "Because everyone else remembers differently."
Like us.
"Yeah yeah, even the fans and authors." he waved off while she looked away with a huff. "Look Harley, I normally don't get into situations that could affect this world, but you're one of the few I feel for, that's why I'm gonna be real and not a crazed fan here. You had a great life working at Arkham, but if you choose to stay with the Joker you'll keep getting hurt over and over."
"So? Mista Joker loves me."
"Not really, plus I remember he had a wife before he went mad. So really you're dating a married man." he revealed with her going wide eyed. "Shame they never mentioned that in the animated series."
"He...he's married?!"
"Yep, but he didn't tell you because he wanted out."
"He….I can't believe it." she moved her hand through her hair while feeling close to tears again.
Great going imp. You made a girl cry, what would the old tv show Batgirl say about that?
"Nothing, I'm not from that dimension."
Still either comfort her or say goodbye to this story.
"That was the plan you foolish people." he frowned while moving over and pulled a tissue out from nowhere. "Tissue?"
"Thanks." She said while grabbing the tissue and blew on it. "But….why?"
"Like I said, there are times to be a viewer and times to be there for someone. That's why what say I lend a hand in getting back at him for hitting you?"
Harley sniffled. "But how? He always gets the last laugh."
"Ah my dear, that's true, but how can he get the last laugh on someone if he can't find them?" he smirked.
"...by placing a tracker in your stomach?"
That's kind of right….ugh.
"I mean my dear, if we're invisible and he can't find us, he won't know a thing."
"Oh." She said before the imp snapped his fingers and caused a sparkly powder to cover them. "That's it? A few sparkles?"
"Not exactly, but look." He pulled a mirror out of his cape and showed it to her. "What can you see?"
She blinked since she couldn't see anything at all, just the bed. "Nothing, no reflection."
"Bingo, you're invisible." He grinned. "Like a vampire but without the whole drinking blood thing, which Batman and the Joker did in this one dimension."
"Wait what?!"
"Oh right you're not from that time, well to summarize it. Batman defeated Dracula became a vampire, then killed the Joker who was also a vampire, then started drinking the villains of Gotham of their blood before going rogue and getting burning by the sunlight."
Harley groaned and covered her mouth. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
Me too.
"Just hold it until we get Joker ok?"
She nodded while trying to hold back some vomit. "But, what if Mista J figures out it's me? Or even if we get away he'll be mad and might come looking for me."
"Lady, you're looking at a fifth dimensional being, I'm like Mxyzptlk but not likely to act like Iago."
"I heard that!" Yelled said imp from outside the comic before the authors threw him into the sixth dimension.
"Now follow me and keep cool."
(Two seconds into the comic)
The two moved through the building while none of the grunts noticed them.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bill?"
"Bill who?"
"Bill goat gruff."
"You're bad." Spoke the second grunt with a groan.
'I'll say.' thought the two while spotting the Joker.
"Let's see." Joker muttered while looking over the plans. "The pies are done, so is the gas, but it needs something with a big oomf."
Bat-mite smirked and moved over closer before forming a baseball bat and took a few practice swings before swinging and hitting his ass, making him fall forward and fall on the table.
"Ok who did WHAT?!" He turned and saw nothing. "Well? Who did that?!"
Bat-mite then moved behind him before putting a snake down his pants.
"Hmm?" Joker saw something moving around and cried out before falling back and frantically tried shaking his leg. "Get out of there! Get out!"
"Ssss." The snake hissed as it bit Joker on the ass.
"AYOW!"
Try the flaming underwear! Try the flaming underwear!
"I'll save that for my assistant to try."
Damn it! Then try the old pie in the face trick then.
"That could work." He said before making the pies hit the Joker in the face.
"AHHHH!" he screamed running around while Harley was unsure whether to laugh or run to get him help.
Bat-mite then looked around before putting some rakes on the ground as the Joker got hit by one, and then the other, and a few more. "I maybe a Batman fan but that Simpson joke never gets old."
You mean with Sideshow Bob and the rakes?
"The very same." he turned to Harley. "So my dear, care to have a go?"
"I don't know…."
"If you can't try then you might as well be a toy from him. Plus what's better, being his toy or your own person?"
She felt torn between either helping the Joker or giving him want for. But then she remembered the slapping and pain she had while with him. "Ya know what? I'm taking a shot at it. Give me a raw steak."
"Sure." He said as a steak appeared.
She moved over cautiously to the Joker while making sure he couldn't see her before pulling the back of his pants and dropped it in before whistling loud enough for her pet hyenas to hear.
"Ha ha?"
"Ha ha hee?"
The hyenas sniffed the air before charging at the Joker and started biting his legs and ass.
"AHH! You mangy, ah! Mutts! Get, AH! Away!" he cried trying to run from them.
"I hope they aren't that hungry. I mean those guys can eat a man alive, literally."
"He'll live."
Not~
"I hope not." remarked Bat-mite who did feel like ending the Joker, but if that happened then Batman wouldn't have a true archenemy and that'd mess up the whole world.
"Now….what should I do?" Harley asked herself.
"What say we take a trip outside to leave them to their meal? It seems a little humid in here."
"Oh alright, but no funny business."
"I wouldn't dream of it." he smiled taking her hand before snapping his fingers as they appeared in the middle of the air.
"Ah! What the hell!?" she cried in panic, but saw they weren't falling.
"Don't worry, you're just flying." He smirked. "And the best part, no Superman."
Unless you're talking about his cousin or female clones or something, but yep no Superman. So what's next mister mite?
"Hang on Harley, I'm sort of a speed demon, like the Flash."
"You can move fast?"
"That and more." He said before grabbing her hand. He suddenly moved through the air with Harley behind him who reeled back from the sudden burst.
"AAAAAHHHH!"
And screamed like crazy before seeing a few airplanes passing them.
"Relax, I guarantee you'll be safe and sound up here."
Like the time you gave the Calendar man superpowers?
"That's completely different!"
"Just who are you talking to!" she yelled out over the sound of wind.
"Oh just the viewers and the author called Vanitus."
HEY!
"And Yugioh."
Meh.
"At least I got one of them." He muttered.
'This guy's nuts! We're gonna go kersplat at this rate!' She thought in horror before seeing an odd sight. "Hey is that Wayne manor?"
Wait why there mister imp, I mean it's currently protected right now?
"Not right now, he's gone to the Justice League right now."
"Who?"
"Oh nothing." he waved off before moving them to a rooftop and landed. "Sorry if it was a little windy up there."
"Ugh...I'm going to puke." She grumbled. "Where are you taking me?"
"Well tell me, is there any place you wanted to go for fun without the Joker?"
"Mmm…..besides the park, maybe a hotel so I can just sleep this day away." 'And get this crazy stuff out of my memory.'
"You sure? Because even if it's a crazy place, I could even bring you to the most hard to reach places in Earth, or the entire universe."
She thought about it before snapping her fingers. "Then I want to go to the land of giant pies and spas." 'Not even he could come up with something THAT crazy!'
"Sure." he snapped his fingers before they wound up in a land made out of pie crust with hills of pies and several lakes that were heated. "Here we are."
"..."
"Speechless right? Trust me, I've seen worse like the inside of Brainiac's mind or inside the earth's crust, which is actually hollow and full of dinosaurs and cavemen."
"It….it really exists?" she spoke out while looking around in awe.
"And it's custard pie too." He said while grabbing a crab like pie creature. "Want some?"
"Uh, that's not gonna pinch me, is it?" she asked nervously at the creature.
"Nope. It's claws are made of pie crust."
She gulped while poking the crab and tasting it. She tasted the inside and was stunned to taste a fruity taste. "Wow! It really is just like pie."
"And it comes in all types of flavor from Oreo to Ham."
"Why ham?"
"No idea." He shrugged. "Go ahead and dig in, enjoy yourself."
Harley smiled before rubbing off somewhere to enjoy herself.
(Ten hours of relaxing later)
"Zzzzz." She snored while sleeping in the low temperature hot spring.
"Wow, seems like she's all tuckered out." he smiled floating nearby while not turning around to give her privacy. "But that could be from all the bashing people's heads and keeping up with the Joker's crimes."
And the revenge thing too. Don't forget that.
"Hmmm, I wonder if I should take an ever bigger chance, although the fans might not like it."
Especially when you're short and look like a deformed child, but hey that's you-
"I heard that!"
Still I think you might what to do something about that.
He huffed while hearing Harley start to slowly wake up.
"Mmm...what a nap." She said while stretching. "God I needed that." she saw Bat-mite floating nearby with his back to her while she crossed her arms. "You better not have peaked."
"Why would I do that, I'm a fifth dimensional being not a perv." He waved off. "Plus I'm busy thinking about how you would look like as a Batgirl."
She rolled her eyes and got up. "Well can ya at least get me a towel?"
He snapped his fingers while a large towel the size of a human fell on her.
"Thanks." she started drying off while getting out while smiling. "You know, this was nice."
"Oh? How so?"
"Just being away from Mista..I mean the Joker. Going somewhere like this and just unwinding." she replied while getting her top and shorts back on.
"Well it could be worse, you could have joined the Suicide Squad and got killed off by a bomb in your brain."
"...you're a tiny weirdo you know that right?"
"I've been called worse." he shrugged while seeing she was fully clothed. "So, any other place you want to visit while you have the chance?"
"Well maybe Wonderland or something." She muttered. "But maybe your place? Or maybe...mmm the planet of exploding turkeys?"
"Sorry, they're not exploding this time of season, but are you sure about Wonderland? It's rather...well predictable if you're a fan."
"Then maybe…..a planet full of root beer?"
"You sure? You might get sticky." he teased.
She rolled her eyes. "I'm fine with it. I've been in worse stuff."
"Alright." he snapped his fingers as they appeared on a planet with rivers of root beer with light cream and brown colored scenery. "Here we are, go ahead and try the river."
Harley didn't have to listen as she jumped into the river full of cream.
Wow she really likes root beer!
She stuck her head out and tasted some while laughing. "Wow! I always wanted to do this, and it tastes great!"
"Just watch out for the root beer fish, they get nippy this time of day."
"Wait, fish? That's crazy, fish can't swim in-ah!" She jumped as a large fish went into her shorts. "Eeep! Hey get out of there!"
The fish didn't leave as a few more accidentally when in as well.
Bat-mite snickered seeing Harley flop around in panic and casually floated over. "Do you need a hand, or two?"
"Yes eep! Just get these things eep! Out!" She cried out while another one moved down a little too low. "Ahh!"
He covered his eyes while snapping his fingers as a fishing line appeared and dangled a worm near the shorts.
The fish looked at it before forming into a larger fish and grabbing it before getting yanked out of the shorts and sent flying into the air.
"Look, flying fish." he joked while Harley huffed and crossed her arms.
"You should have told me sooner."
"I forgot." He shrugged before getting some of the root beer splashed at him. "Gah! Hey!"
"What? I didn't do it." she smirked innocently.
"You did." He said before snapping his fingers and caused a tidal wave to appear.
Her eyes widened as it swept her back while she sputtered and got out while glaring at him while he tried whistling innocently. "Ya shouldn't have done that, it's on now."
"Oh really?" He asked before getting splashed again. "It's war now!"
(Five hours later)
Both panted while they were soaked to the bone in soda with both of them sitting on the bank. And one was so wet his ears were drooping like a dog. Ha ha-
"Ssh." he shushed while taking his gloves off to squeeze the root beer out. "Well then, I warned you you would get sticky."
"Even if you started it." She teased. "Especially with the fish."
"Not my fault if wildlife likes your butt, that and every comic book fan." he muttered the last part.
"...what? Not my knockers?"
"Those too but mostly your butt." He shrugged. "Must be a fetish."
She shrugged hearing that while seeing him snap his fingers as her whole body became dry with no soda left on her. "Thanks."
"Anytime, plus it would be a shame if you had to ditch the outfit."
"Well now that you mention it I might need a new wardrobe."
"Well if you want, we could have our own little fashion show to add some spice to it."
"Really?" She asked. "If you can do that while being a handsome stud I'll be really impressed."
She got you there, I mean the other imps can do it, like Superman's, but can you?
"My dear, by the time I'm done you'll make Wonder Woman weep with envy." he snapped his fingers as a walkway appeared with a crowd of people and a curtain. "Go on back and let's get this show on the run."
She nodded before walking towards the back. There she saw various outfits on racks ranging from all sorts of styles. "Wow, that's a lot of stuff. But…." she noticed a few of Poison Ivy's outfits in the racks. "Why her?"
For the plants~
(With Bat-mite)
He sat in the speaker's booth while holding a mic and faced the audience. "Ladies and gentleman, we're here to take a look at an important question today. Which outfit works for Harley? Let's find out!"
The crowd cheered as the curtains were raised with Harley wearing a red chinese dress with black stockings.
"Right now she's showing off a classic dress from China where numerous waitresses are known to wear while being covering, and yet so eye catching at the same time." He said as Harley posed a little before the score from some judges with black, red and white cloaks showed an 8 on the score cards. "Oh! And a nice score right off the bat."
The curtains then fell before Harley was being seen in an Egyptian queen outfit with bandages around her chest and ass.
"And now a very tempting outfit mainly comprised of bandages to keep that pesky desert wind and heat away from your smooth skin."
The judges gave a score of 9 and a 0.
"Hmm, seems like some like it, and some just don't like it."
The curtains fell before raising up to show the woman in a sexy orange jumpsuit bikini.
"A simple and yet sexy bikini that would capture any man, or woman's, eye."
The score was 5, 4, and -100.
"Ooh, but it looks like the color just wasn't her."
It was actually the fact that her underwear was outside her clothes.
"...sickos." He said as the curtains fell and rose as Harley wore a red toga with a crown of leaves on her ears. "Hmm, more modest than the last, but it still hugs just around the right spots."
The score was 6, 7, 3.
"Better than last is all I can say folks."
(A long LONG few hours later)
"And here's the final outfit of the day."
The curtain rose up as Harley wore a combination of Poison Ivy's outfit and Giganta's outfit. It had Giganta's leotard, but was dark green with high heels that were red and had long green elbow length gloves with some black stockings that had slight tiger stripe patterns on them.
The final score was 10, 30, and 500 with a call me on the bottom.
"Wow! I guess mixing together three well known girls of DC really DOES seem like a good idea."
Well duh, it's the same as Supergirl making out with Poison Ivy, it just works.
"And so ends the first, and last fashion show for Miss. Harley Quinzel."
Said girl blushed while hearing the cheering crowd in front of her. 'They like it...they really like it!'
Bat-mite snapped his fingers as it all vanished and they were back to square one. "So, what did you think?"
"It was nice. But you still didn't do it as a handsome stud." She said while sighing. "That and the clothes are gone."
"First off, I'm plenty handsome." he smirked flexing his muscles which just drooped down. "As for clothes, I can make a new outfit right now that you've never seen before."
She raised her eyebrow. "Really? No joke?"
"Do you doubt me?"
"A little, I mean can you even make clothes?"
He gave her a deadpanned expression. "Do you still remember just where we are? If I can bring us to worlds never even discovered or hinted at being real, I could make clothes in my sleep while sneezing during flu season."
"Then let's see it." She smirked.
He smirked and snapped his fingers while she was covered in smoke.
She coughed as the smoke cleared as she noticed that she was wearing a tight black bodysuit with red knee length high heeled boots, a red belt with matching gloves and with card symbols all on the back of it while wearing black lipstick and wearing a similar mask like Robin's that covered her eyes with her hair in a low ponytail. "Huh? What's this?"
"Your new superhero or villain outfit."
Or anti hero.
"Or anti hero."
"Wait? Why this? I'm mean I'm flattered but why the get up?" She asked while looking herself over.
"To cover yourself, that's what clothes are for." he joked.
"I mean why make me a costume like this?" She said. "It's not like I'm cut out for hero business or another villain job."
"Simple. Because quite frankly I do think if you left the Joker and tried going back to your old career as a psychiatrist, you might be happier. Plus the outfit looked cool on you."
She blinked at the simple explanation. "Huh, that's nice of you. For a shorty." she teased playfully.
"Oh yeah?" he snapped his fingers before she shrunk down to the age of six and smirked. "You were saying?"
"Hey!" She yelled in a cute voice. "Change me back!"
"Say please and I might."
She grumbled. "Please?"
He snapped his fingers as she returned to normal.
So when is the banging? I'm falling asleep her-
"SHUT IT!"
"Huh? What the hell?!" Harley yelled while covering her ears. "What's with the sudden yelling?!"
Ha ha.
Bat-mite grumbled at the authors while sighing. "Nothing, just annoying authors."
"Whatever." she shrugged.
"So what next?" He asked.
"Mmm, maybe a hotel room with a nice bath in the middle of a world where flying hats and bright lights live?"
"Odd, but not impossible."
"And it has be in the middle of a large lake."
He shrugged before snapping his fingers as they appeared in a hotel room overlooking a large lake as flying hats flew past the windows as lights filled the sky. "And here we are."
"Wow…" she said looking around before closing the blinds. "Kind of bright."
No duh. Oh and is it banging time yet mite?
He just flipped him off while Harley moved over and sat on the bed.
"Wow, you could pretty much make any gal fall for ya if you could give them anything like this. So why are you sticking to going nuts over Bats?"
"Because I'm his fan, that and if I don't give him some fun then he might lose it."
"What do you mean?"
"Simple, I'm the one to remind him not to take life so serious. And if he forgets that then well...lots of deaths and more villains that would make the Joker look sane."
She looked around the room and thought back to the previous places. "Hey, Bat-mite was it?"
"Of course."
"I gotta ask, were you serious about before? About me leaving him?"
"Well of course after all in every dimension with you in it, it's either you go bonkers, get killed off, or just become an antihero." He listed off.
"Well, then I could try being a psychiatrist again, but with my track record they'll throw me in a cell before I can hand in my resume." she sighed.
"Mmm that could be a problem." He said before thinking of other ideas.
Bat-mite, why not bring her to the fifth dimension? It could work for you.
"I can't. Suddenly doing that might make me look like a stalker. Besides it'd be easier to just sway them to forgive her, but that would ne-wait! I got it!" he declared. "What if I happened to 'convince' everyone you deserve a second chance?" he air quoted.
"You mean make them forgive me with a snap of your fingers?" 'Stalker? What was he even trying to say?'
"Well it's more like I happen to help them be less grudge bearing. They still make the choice, I'm just going to help ease them into the idea. The only way it wouldn't work is if they REALLY hated you."
Harley thought about it and found no fault in it. "Alright, that'd be real swell."
He grinned at that. "Then what else would you want to do?"
"Well you've given me tons of stuff, so I think I'll return the favor." she grinned seductively before pulling him closer. "Pucker up."
Wow!
'You said it.' He thought before getting kissed on the lips. 'One of my biggest dreams besides fighting with Batman has come true!'
This continued to happen for a few minutes before Harley broke the kiss with a loud 'pop'.
"Man, you have soft lips."
"Well you're gonna be tastin' them more then that." she grinned before claiming his lips again.
(A few hours later)
Time flew by and it was completely dark in the room. Laying under the covers was both of them naked with Bat-mite's face covered in black lipstick marks.
"Well, I guess this turned out all the better." he whispered to the audience.
Yes it did, but one question.
"Yes?"
Can imps make humans pregnant? I mean we don't mind it but….is it possible for a fifth dimensional being to copulate with a third dimensional being?
"I guess you'll have to find out in the sequel." he winked with a peace sign. "Till next time loyal fans."
Later.