Butterflies

"Me? I'm nobody. I'm not skilled like Uchiha-san. I am not passionate like Haruno-san. I am not smart like Nara-san. I'm not as strong as Chouji-san. I'm not as collected as Aburame-san. Or as pretty as Yamanaka-san. I'm not as confident as Inuzuka-san. If anything, I'm like Hyuuga-san, socially awkward. Oh wait, no, she's just shy. The socially awkward one is me." OC! Team 7 remix!

Chapter 77 – Subjective realities

8-8

"Hana, Satsuma." I do a brief introduction, simply for the sake of being polite. "Anyway, Hana, I'm sorry for abandoning you like I did. Too much going on, you know?"

"Aya, please. You didn't abandon me. Frankly, the last time I had to rehabilitate this idiot he ended up almost moving into my house. You're offering both of us room and board free of charge. And on top of that you provide us with the things I need for him." She sounds almost insulted at first, but the more she explains the more… grateful and touched she truly is seeps into her tone.

"Hana, please. Why would I ever offer either of you any less than you deserve?" I counter, smirking to show I'm onto her. She blushes a little, but doesn't comment. "Anyway, I've been talking to Tsume-san, and-"

"Aya~aaaaa."

"Am I wrong?" I challenge. She doesn't blush this time, keeping her face carefully controlled. Her eyes give her away though. "Look. I'm not here to get involved in your love life. I'm here to say that if there's something there, go for it. He's a good man, and you deserve a little fun in your life."

"Aya, his-"

"I'm aware of his current state, the prognosis and the emotional backlash from both." I interrupt. "However, Maki was far worse off when she got here. She is now on full days training under Momochi-san's watchful eye. She also runs the four clans' business, and is helping out around our compound more often than not."

The hope mixed with the fear of disappointment in her eyes… it hurts. "Do you think I would rest before our patient is at a hundred percent? Do you think I wouldn't have Senju-san in here personally checking on him every day if I thought he was in any danger?"

"Aya, I understand, it's just…" Tears start to well up.

"Hana, I get it. You saw how hard it was for me to go through this with Chouji." I remind her. "I remember barely being able to sleep because I was afraid I put him together wrong. That I ruined his life."

She blushes, looking away from me.

"I understand exactly what you are going through, Hana. You know that. That's why I'm telling you to make those plans, to talk about them with him, to give both of you hope that tomorrow is going to be so much better than today and yesterday." I place a hand on her arm, to let her know that I'm here. "And for the love of Kami-sama, I'm going to start dragging both of you to meals from now on. I'm getting tired of you eating in here with him because you think anyone would be upset by a man relearning how to use chopsticks. You're part of the pack, Hana! Stop hiding from us!"

"He's the one fighting it." She tries, smirking a little.

"Maki fought it too. And guess what. We strapped her ass onto a stretcher and dragged her along anyway." We share a laugh, the tension easing, even if only a little. "Sometimes you have to love them enough to give them what they need, no matter how stupid they're being about it. Agreed?"

"Agreed." She says, smiling a little. "Alright. I'll handle things here… and… thanks, Aya."

"Don't thank me yet. He's going to be a major brat the first few times. If it gets too much, I'll deal with him."

8-8

Having dealt with the first of my self-appointed 'must do today' tasks, I hunt down a rather… elusive Akimichi. He's been avoiding me. Which is just as well, because I've kind of been avoiding him too. I find him in the Hatake's backyard, alone. Training and alone.

"When were you going to tell me?" He knows I'm here? Even without seeing me, without me announcing my arrival?

"About?" I ask, a bit overwhelmed by the sudden change, and… so many other things I can't seem to make sense of.

"The scar." He does the handsigns, spits out the mud from his mouth and creates an Earth Release: Mud Wall to be proud of.

"I'm sorry, I… didn't really have a plan for telling you." I say honestly. "Not because you don't deserve to know what happened, I just… got swept up in everything that's going on." I add almost too quickly. I mentally kick myself in the teeth for making this more awkward than it has to be.

"… You've been avoiding me ever since, Aya. So I know you're lying. And Sakiko told me that she's the one that demanded I be there for that meeting." He says, doing the jutsu again, obviously either trying to reduce the handsigns needed, or work on the speed for doing the jutsu. Or maybe he's just glad to be doing something his important? "Why were you avoiding me?"

I sigh, walking up to him and hugging him from behind. "Because I know how much you hate me going on missions. So me getting injured badly enough to get a scar, let alone where the scar is…" I trail off, knowing he understands what I mean to say. "I know I'm never going to hear the end of it… even though it's a cute scar."

"And now with your parents back, things are… a bit more complicated."

"You mean Miwako and Satsuma?" I half correct. He bristles. "Don't you start, Chouji. I buried my parents years ago." I should get that recorded. I really should.

"You do realise that he's standing right behind you." He says. "And that you're breaking his heart by calling him that."

"Don't do this. Please. We're just going to end up getting into a fight, and that's just going to make me hate him even more." I tell him honestly. "I'm not here to talk about him or Miwako. I'm here to talk about you and me."

"Yeah, uncle Inoichi was here a few days ago to talk to me about that. Mom and dad are all for it, so long as we take things slow, but…"

"I know." I sigh. "I didn't promise anyone I'd make anything official with you, you know. I'm not here to pressure you into anything. I'm here to talk about it, to figure out what we want, not what everyone else wants."

"I be-"

"Satsuma, when I want to hear your opinion, I will ask. Until then, hush." I say, tensing. That isn't something Couji wouldn't notice, since I'm still clinging to him. I don't even glance in Satsuma's direction, half hoping he doesn't make things even worse.

"Harsh, Aya." Chouji isn't very happy with me right now. "Look…"

"Oh Kami, the last time we got into this you broke my heart. Why do you think I've been avoiding you, Chouji? It's always one thing leading to another and it always ends up freaking one of us out! I've got enough going on right now, but I promised I'd talk to you. Can we just say this has been talked about and we agree now isn't the right time?"

"I was about to ask if we can talk privately." He says, rubbing the back of his head. I wince. Okay… I'm obviously just running on a really short fuse right now.

"Satsuma, why don't you go check if breakfast is ready, or something." I make a buzz of motion wondering why I even agreed to let him tag along. Or was that my idea. I don't know! Kami! Too much going on! My head feels like it's going to explode any second!

"You've missed our talks." Chouji sounds amused, suddenly plopping onto the ground gracelessly. I try not to whimper at the sudden loss of his warmth, but I'm not sure if it worked. He motions for me to join him. I blush, but don't answer. "Come on, Aya. I don't bite." He teases, a smile in his tone.

I sigh, feeling so much older than I should. He gently takes my hand. His eyes are closed, but there's a smile in his eyes anyway. He gently tugs, inviting me to sit with him.

No reason not to, I guess. I mean… what harm could come of it?

So I sit with him. I lean my head against his bicep, and I breathe, truly breathe, for the first time in almost a week.

"You're not coping with this at all, are you." I sigh, tired and worn out. "I thought so." Without warning, he lays down. I almost fall on top of him, not having expected that at all.

"Trying to kill me, huh." I drone sarcastically. We both know he doesn't have it in him to hurt me… physically. Emotionally…? His record works against him.

"Take off your glasses." He instructs. I narrow my eyes at him, wondering why I should. "You need to get away from the world, Aya. And the best way to do that is to start unplugging one tiny step at a time. Take off your glasses."

I kind of agree with him, but at the same time… I kind of don't. I sigh. Well, it's not like my way's been working out all that well. I take off my glasses, handing them to him. Surprisingly, he takes them from me, but I can't tell if he opened his eyes to see that I was handing them to him to begin with.

How stupid is this. I just basically blinded myself… and now I'm about ready to freak out.

"It's alright, Aya. I'm here." He assures me, his voice low and soothing. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I want to believe that so badly that it hurts, but… what can he do? Even getting my scar only hurt for a little while. It's… it's old wounds that life just won't let heal.

"Lay down with me, Aya. It's really relaxing." He instructs. I don't want to lay down. I don't want to give you any more power over me, Chouji! The last time you almost killed me!

"Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise." Yeah. Just like my parents were going to come back soon? That they'd never leave me alone? That they love me more than anything? "I'm here, Aya. Right here, right now. Isn't that what you need?" He starts massaging my lower back, moving his hand in slow, steady little circles.

"Inoichi told you exactly what to say, didn't he." I don't ask. He's speaking too well to my fears. There's no other explanation.

"No. He only told me what to look for."

"Don't lie to me, Chouji."

"You can smell when I lie. Do you smell me lying to you?" He challenges.

"I can't smell a lie. No one can. I can only smell if you perspire more, which could mean anything given you were just training."

"Did I smell like I was perspiring when you walked up? When you were standing behind me?" Kami-sama, Inoichi really prepared you well.

"I can't do this. Not now."

"Aya, you know me. You know who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I'm willing to do. You know me." He soothes. "So stop listening to that doubting little voice telling you that I'm trying to hurt you. You know better."

He isn't done. "I know you're scared. That you're hurting so bad right now that you can't see straight." Yes, and putting that into words is doing wonders. "That's why I wanted your glasses, so that you don't focus on seeing at all. Because you need to let that go, before it breaks the beautiful person you've fought long and hard to become."

I sigh, not even bothering to fight the tears. I'm tired of fighting the tears. I'm tired of being strong for everyone. I'm just… tired. Oh so very tired.

"Come here, Aya." He begs me this time. "Let me help you heal. Like you've been helping me."

"Chou… I…" I'm shaking my head, no. Over and over again, no. I… I can't. Please… please understand that I… I can't… not again…

"I know you're scared. That everyone that should love you unconditionally seems to do nothing but hurt you over and over and over." That did it… That did it… The dam just snapped in two. The flood of emotions I've been fighting, it slams into me from all sides at once.

I can't even breathe without that pain threatening to take over, it drowns out all my sense. Drowns them in my tears.

I don't even know how it happens, I just know that I'm in Chouji's embrace. That my head is on his chest; that I'm half laying on him, face down, half on the grass. I know his arm is wrapped around me, that his warmth is strong and steady, even against the cool morning air.

What I don't know is how long we've been laying here, or how many times I've tried telling him about the scars he's never seen – the scars on my heart, on my very soul. I don't know if he can make out the words falling off my tongue before I can identify them. I don't know if I even care.

I just know that he's here. Right here, right now. And Kami-sama… it might not change the shit I've been through this past week, these past eight years… but… for now… it's enough.

8-8

It turns out that we're late for breakfast. So late, in fact, that mom suggests we –Chouji and I– go out together to get something to eat instead, since no one had the heart to ruin my cry-a-thon and everything they'd cooked is cold. Miwako and Satsuma offer to tag along, but I turn them down without even thinking about it. I'm not in the mood to deal with either of them right now.

As usual, Tsu and Hitomi decide they're coming, even if just to play shadow guards again. I nod, seeing no reason to argue with them – they're too stubborn to argue with sometimes. "Satsuma. I want you to see if you can help Haruki and Fuu with their medical training while I'm out. I'm still going to see what else I can help them with." I add that last part because I know neither of them is going to even consider this an option otherwise. "But this way they don't have to feel like they're wasting their day because of me."

"Aya-nee, come on! Don't talk like that!" Moegi begs. "No one feels like they're wasting anything! We're just worried about you, is all."

"I'm f-"

"And don't tell me you're fine." She meets my gaze, her worries plainly on display. "You're not fine. You haven't been fine. And if you don't start taking better care of yourself, you won't be fine."

"Moegi, really, I'm f-"

"Aya-nee." Sakiko interrupts me this time. "Remember what you told us, about Namikis being pillars?" I nod. "Well, we all look up to you as our central pillar. But you're starting to crack, O'nee-chan. Everything that's going on… it's too much for you, it's too heavy for you to carry anymore. It won't matter how strong the rest of us are… if our central pillar falls… we all fall."

I beckon to her, wordless asking for a hug. She doesn't hesitate, glomping me like she always does. "When did you get so smart, Imouto-chan?" I tease, kissing the crown of her head and hugging her like there's no tomorrow.

"I have an amazing O'nee-chan, and she keeps teaching me everything I need to know, ya know."

"Aya… I don't think you should be out and about right now." Hitomi says, seeing that I'm –once again– on the verge of tears. "You go into your office, and relax with a nice book. I'll go get you something to eat. And no, I'm not going to listen to whatever lovely lie you come up with. Tsu, make sure she goes there and stays there."

"I agree. I'll come with you." Kin offers. Is… she going with Hitomi, or coming with me? I don't know. Brain on tilt. Don't care.

"Aya, you coming?" Chouji asks, offering me his elbow to escort me.

8-8

The rest of the morning, my pack pampers me. Spoils me. Coddles and comforts me. Over and over again. How? Chouji.

I'm instructed to lay on the couch, my head in Chouji's lap. And Chouji claims the right to dictate how my day goes. His argument? That I'm too scrambled to care, and that he knows me well enough to make sure even if I don't care that things would still happen I'd agree to. I…'m not sure if that should make half as much sense as it does.

In fact, he even takes things a step further. If I'm not reading, I'm not allowed my glasses. Why am I agreeing to this? I shouldn't be agreeing to this! I'm a control freak! I like having things set up and arranged exactly how I want them…

And yet… I can't bring myself to fight him. Not today.

I eventually start getting stiff, and the couch starts feeling uncomfortable. I explain that to Chou… and he does the most amazing thing ever! He grins –I can only tell because I hear it in his voice– and tells me, "Alright, little old lady. I'll bring you upstairs then. We can relax in your bedroom." I blush, embarrassed but strangely turned on as well. And I mean, aroused. Nipples almost painfully erect, special place getting warm, my scent suddenly overwhelming my senses, every button getting hit just the right way, turned on! "Ooh, someone's thinking dirty thoughts." He teases, probably only noticing my blush. And I'm not being a perv! You're… you're the one doing this to me! This is all your fault!

Your fault! And possibly Stockholm syndrome kicking in… the point is! This isn't me! This isn't on me! This isn't my fault! I blame you, Chouji!

The problem only gets worse when he scoops me up. He –hopefully– doesn't intend this to happen, but how he holds me… my… oh, Kami, this is getting embarrassing! I feel my… chest… rubbing against him as he moves. It's… not a bad feeling, at all! But… it isn't helping my state of mind any – or more accurately, the scent of my arousal. We're in a wolf den, for Kami's sake! People have either already noticed, or are going to notice the second we walk past the kitchen and family sitting room!

And, as (my) luck would have it, just as we pass the door to the family sitting room, "Oi, Chouji-kun! What's the rush?" Kashi-nii… you're a traitor, you know that, don't you. "Come on over, let's see how my cute little Imouto-chan is holding up under your tender loving care." I'm going to kill him. I really am. Dead. I'll make it up to Yasu-nee somehow.

"Oi, Kakashi, aren't you… only making things worse?" Thank you, Naru-nii, for stating the obvious and making people wonder why two noses are acting so weird for no apparent reason.

"I kind of agree. Aya needs her rest. Chouji, would you mind bring her up to her room? She must be sore from laying on the couch all morning." Hana… I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and assume there's no hidden message in there anywhere.

And frankly, I don't know why I can't… wait… I can't identify anyone, because my brain's only focusing on my own scent… and my body's obvious desires of what I should do about that!

"Yes, yes. By all means, put her to bed." Dead. He's so dead.

"Kakashi-sensei, I think you read that book too much." Chouji… Kami-sama, I can't figure out if I should be relieved that he doesn't understand what's going on, or pissed. "It's starting to spill over into your subjective reality." Chou, stop arguing with him, and please get me out of here.

"Oi, who…" Miwako. Great. Another nose, who can no doubt tell EXACTLY what's going on. And one who'll be prone to either embarrassing me or threatening him – both cases won't be doing me any favours. "Come on, young man. I don't think Aya wants to be around so many people right now."

8-8

Why?

…

Why does this just keep happening to me?

…

Why can't things ever be simple? Why can't the enemy be bad, so that we can only be good as their opposition? Why can't Miwako be consistently a horrible person that makes hating her easy? Why can't things ever make any kami-damned sense!?

Why?

That's not too hard to answer, is it? Why?

Why can't I just forget that Satsuma was tortured for months on end to force his psyche to shut down, just so they could program a new superficial persona over the broken one beneath it? Why can I forget that Miwako's psychological profile, both from Mist and from her time leading up to the mission show she was damn near a mental breakdown from taking too many missions, trying to find any and all clues as to where Satsuma was?

Why?

Why can't things ever be simple? They abandoned me! For years! Even after realising, even if only superficially, that I'd be alone! They knew! They should have come home to me…

So why… why is it that silly little facts like their being unable to think straight because of their situations… why is that upsetting my clear cut 'they are evil, I am good' picture?

Kami-sama! This… this isn't right, it isn't fair… and I shouldn't be thinking about this! I need to rest, to relax! I need to take it easy, just for today, because tomorrow is going to end up being a busy day to make up for how much I didn't get done today.

"What are you thinking about, Aya?" Chou asks, still idly stroking my hair.

"…Noth-"

"Please don't do that." He interrupts. Rude much? "You had a breakdown just before the invasion because you were doing then what you're doing now: pushing too hard for too long. You need to stop doing that. You need to stop killing yourself one day at a time."

I sigh. "… I read the reports on Satsuma and Miwako… both here in Konoha, and in Mist…"

"And?"

"Satsuma was captured by the Mist shinobi, not the rebels. Terumi-san and her team rescued him and fifteen others from a holding cell on a small island. According to the report, and Inoichi himself confirms this is at least plausible, his brain didn't start kicking in until they got him onto another island… that's the first thing he remembers. He literally shut down because of the torture… self-induced amnesia for the sake of not going insane. Then, when he saw Miwako… he broke all over again. He remembered, but he simply couldn't function for months afterwards…"

"… I see."

"Why can't things ever be simple?" I complain. "Why can't they just be the horrible people that abandoned me? Why can't anything ever be simple?"

"Nn."

"I mean, if the reports are true? It perfectly explains it all. Miwako refusing to leave him, her Namiki instincts screaming in her ears so loud that protocol and laws be damned, the bad parent of the century awards, towards me, Hoshie, Kenshin… it would explain it all. And it would make me the big bad bitch that's just making their already horrible lives that much worse."

"So… the medic in you understands, but the abandoned child doesn't care." He sums it up perfectly. "That sounds like a pretty confusing position to be in."

"N-nn…" I noise, hating that I'm crying again. He tugs me closer to him, holding me… and he just… lets me cry it out…

8-8

End Chapter 77

8-8

A/N: Funny isn't it? How someone can perceive themselves as the hero, when they are themselves the villain? Even without knowing it, without intending to do harm. And yet... who is the victim? Who is the hero?

And by the way... I told you guys I'd need about 4-5 chapters for this ;) Thou shalt not doubt Fayth85.

Before you start wondering though, no... Aya isn't suddenly going to make a 180 turn, she isn't going to suddenly start calling them mama and papa. If that was the case, she'd have done so before this chapter, seeing as she already knew what was in the reports. The fact is, no matter how well she hides it, no matter how mature and wise beyond her years she is/seems... she is still just a thirteen year old that has a lot of growing to do. And there's no shame in that. Seriously though... four chapters in one day. I'm beat. I need to sleep. But this just wouldn't leave me along until I worked it all out perfectly.

Just so you know, there's still a few issues to work out, and I still have the other things I need to work in as well. I'm still unable to say if I'll be ending this story in 5 chapters. Unfortunately, even though the next chapter will round off the bulk of the 'welcome home party', there are certain consequences that will take time to pan out properly. And a time skip of 2+ years will seem like a cop out to me; not an option. I'll figure out how I'll work it out in the morning, after my coffee. For now... sleep. Lovely, lovely sleep.