Disclaimer: YEAH JK Rowling – this one's for you
Lily Evans woke up Sunday morning uncertain about what she had insinuated to James last night. It was just a day of hanging? That was something friends did right? Lily couldn't press away the nagging feeling that told her it probably did mean more – to him, and if she was admitting it – to herself as well.
She slunk from her bed and tip toed downstairs, fairly certain that James would still be asleep. Therefore she was surprised to find him curled on the couch, a Quidditch magazine in his hands. He glanced up, grinning.
"Couldn't sleep?" Lily asked.
James made a muffled hhummp sound. "Too excited," he told her.
Lily could feel her cheeks warming. She deposited herself in one of the armchairs, flicking her wand at the fireplace. Crackling flames sprung to life.
"When's your birthday?" James asked her.
"30th of January," Lily supplied. "After the Christmas break. What about you?"
"27th of March," he said. "After the Easter Break."
"So I'm older than you," Lily smirked.
"And wiser, more mature and more beautiful," James finished. He topped his comment off with a flirtatious wink that sent butterflies to erupt in her stomach.
She remembered her conversation with Marlene last night – trying to explain exactly how she felt for James.
"So you're saying you feeling something," Marlene had pressed.
Lily had thrown her hands up in exasperation, her glance flickering involuntarily towards James. He was laughing about something Mary had said. It wasn't jealously that had coursed through her skin – well not the type of jealously that Marlene would label it. She wanted James happy and if that meant laughing at Mary's jokes, she was fine with that. But a stabbing in her heart reminded her that she'd prefer to be the one making him laugh. Which was bizarre. When had she ever wanted to be the one making James laugh like that?
"I don't know what I feel Marley," Lily had groaned. "At first I just thought maybe I saw him as a friend or something but –
"But you wouldn't explain your feelings for, well say Remus, like this." She had gestured at Lily with a waving of her hand.
Lily had nodded vigorously. "James keeps me on my toes. I feel more alert – alive even – around him."
Marlene's face had broken into a broad grin after Lily's declaration. "So what's stopping you?"
"Stopping me?" Lily had repeated, confused.
"From dating him," Marlene had clarified. "From seeing if what you two have is something else."
Lily had shook her head. "Nothing, I suppose," she had said weakly. "I just – how do I know if he feels the say way back? He hasn't asked me out in ages now. Maybe his feelings have changed."
"You're complete madness if you believe that," Marlene had said. "He's my cousin. I know how the stupid prat feels."
"I dunno Marls," Lily had said. "I'm so inexperienced with this. I'll make a mess of it, or even ruin it."
"Ruin it!" Marlene had exclaimed incredulously causing several heads to turn their way. "Look I'll go and talk to –
"No way," Lily had hissed. "Just – just let me figure this out."
Lily tried to read the look in his eyes to decide whether she believed him or not. Part of her hesitation stemmed from the fact that James had always called her beautiful – even when they were fighting. Was it still the same to him? Just a game to see if he could have her?
Lily waved him off, scoffing. "I'm going to cook some toast?" She said. "Want some?"
"Sure," James said, looking slightly dejected.
Trying to ignore the fact that she had put that expression on his face, she stood up and headed towards their kitchenette. She stuck four pieces of bread into the toaster and set the heat to her favourite setting.
She risked a glance over at James. He was back to flipping lazily through his magazine, his glasses resting precariously on the tip of his nose. Every now and again he'd run his fingers through his messy hair, not really trying to mess it up more but more to get the curls off his face. Lily wondered how his hair would feel running through her fingers.
Stamp out of it Evans, she told herself firmly.
A sharp knock from the portrait door snapped her from her stupor. Hardly able to believe the traitorous direction her thoughts had taken her, Lily flicked her wand and opened the door. Sirius stood in the frame, his face flushed. James dumped the magazine instantly.
"Padfoot," he said, beckoning his friend inside.
"Hey Evans," Sirius said, walking towards James. "Sorry for barging in so early."
"It's no problem," James said for her. "What's up?"
His gaze flicked to Lily, before flicking back to James. Lily could tell that he was trying to think of a nice way to ask her to leave. James grimaced but jumped to his feet regardless.
"I'll be back soon," he said.
The two boys rushed upstairs, leaving Lily with four slices of toast. Trying to hide her disappointment about the conclusion of her "day of nothing with James" she slowly began buttering a piece. To her surprise, the boys stomped back downstairs after only a minute or two.
"What –" Lily started, before pausing and shaking her head. It was none of her business. "What spreads do you boys want?"
"Jam," James piped instantly. "Please," he added as an afterthought.
Sirius just slammed his fist onto the table and muttered angrily under his breath. Honestly, Lily wasn't sure if he was declaring his new found love for peanut butter or if there was something more serious going on.
"Mate," James said, dropping a hand onto his friends shoulder. "You don't know for sure –
"Oh don't patronize me James," Sirius snapped. "I saw his bloody face. And you saw their dots on the map." He suddenly stiffened, his focus shifting towards Lily.
"What's happened?" Lily asked, ignoring the toast and dropping into the empty space beside James. It wasn't curiosity that propelled her to ask, but the look of pain across Sirius' face. She doubted she'd ever seen him looking so vulnerable and raw.
"My arse of a brother's what's happened," Sirius grumbled.
Lily remembered her conversation with James late at night about Sirius' blood purist family. It seemed that their ideas had finally turned to bite him on the bum, as a manner of speaking.
"He hexed Eliza Abbott," James explained.
"The Hufflepuff?" Lily said.
James nodded. "The Abbott family are like mine and Sirius'," he continued. "Both old pure blood families. I'm sure you've heard that Eliza's dating Todd Jones?"
Lily nodded weakly. She had a feeling to where this was headed and she didn't like it one bit. "Well I guess you could say the Abbott family is more like mine in terms of values." He sent Sirius a sympathetic smile. "And Todd is a Muggleborn."
"So Regulus hexed Eliza because she's dating Todd?" Lily said. "How do you know that's the reason? Maybe she laughed at him in class or something."
"Because she's got a scar across her forehead that says Mudblood lover," Sirius hissed. "Madame Pomfrey is trying to remove it but – well, it's probably dark magic."
Lily gasped. "I thought the Slytherins only hated Muggleborns," she whispered.
"Lily, to them families like mine and Eliza's are traitorous to our blood. We're just as bad to them. I mean, they'll leave us alone, but in a way it's a smart way of severing the bond between Muggleborns or pure or half bloods," James pointed out.
Lily knew he was trying to look at this logically, but his words hit a very personal spot inside of her. "So you're saying that by attacking blood traitors they're aiming ostracize Muggleborns."
James shrugged. "Or manipulate blood traitors to turn to their cause."
"It's bullshit though Evans," Sirius said, sending his friend a pointed look. "Don't buy it for a second."
Lily swallowed. Here was another reason why her and James wouldn't work. She was a liability to him. James seemed to realize where here thoughts were turning and cursed under his breath.
"Lily –
A sharp rapping on the windowpane caught Lily's attention. A beady eye owl was glaring straight at her, a letter clutched in its beak.
"Jesus," Lily cried, stamping to her feet. "People need to stop banging for attention."
James snickered as she retreated to the window to fetch her letter. Sirius, on the other hand, looked more confused.
"Jesus?" He repeated. "Who in Merlin's name is that?"
"Some Muggle religion," James said, not looking certain in his words.
Lily tore open the letter as soon as she recognized her Mum's messy scrawl.
Lily Darcy Evans,
You did not tell me you were bunking with a boy. I can't believe you keep such information from me. I hope he is behaving himself and acting like a proper gentleman.
Lily glanced over at James who was now in the process of trying to shove two pieces of cold and half buttered toast into his mouth. The word "gentleman" was definitely questionable.
I hope your workload is decreasing. (decreasing? Was her mum nuts?) I have some exciting news. Your sister Petunia is getting married to Vernon.
"Holy Christ," Lily spluttered, staring at the words and not believing them. Vernon was, to put lightly, a complete douche prick.
"Lily? What's –
Lily waved James off hurriedly, returning to the letter.
I know that that might come as a surprise to you, but I do believe they work together. He isn't perfect, but then again who is perfect? I had always found the flaws of your father to be his most admirable traits in the end.
I'm getting Petunia to write directly to you to celebrate the news. I do believe the excitement of her wedding will dispel any bad feelings she has towards you.
Lily scoffed. Dispel six years of solid hatred? Unlikely.
I know you're probably scoffing at my words right now, but sweetie she is your sister. At least try to make an effort. It would mean the world to me if you to got along together like you used to.
Write me soon,
Love your Mom xox
Lily scrunched the letter in her fist and balled it towards the fireplace. Anger and guilt towards her mother welled up inside of her – anger because her mom knew damn well that Petunia was the cause of the strife between them, and guilt because of the pain it caused her mom to see them constantly arguing.
And now with Petunia getting married Lily could only see their relationship growing worse. Of course her Mom would try and turn the tables, but Lily had meet Vernon and somehow he was even worse than her sister about the Magical World. He was going to drag Petunia away from Lily's world.
"Lily?" James said, looking up at her with his wide eyes. Sincere concern flickered behind their hazel coloring. "Is everything all right?"
Lily sucked in a shaky breath.
"Is it from your sister?" He continued.
Lily shook her head. "Mum actually," she said. "My sisters getting married."
"Well that's not too bad," Sirius said.
Lily sunk into an armchair. "Imagine that Vernon is one of Who-Know-Who's followers," she said, trying to explain in terms that Sirius would understand. "And I'm – well me."
A dark flicker crossed Sirius' handsome face. "Maybe he should be marrying Regulus instead."
James laughed at that. Even Lily was able to offer a small smile.
"How about a game of snap," Sirius suggested. "And Lily – I'm still waiting for my toast."
Lily rolled her eyes. "What did you last slave die off?"
"Old age," Sirius said sincerely. Catching Lily's raised eyebrow he added, "seriously. My dear mother hung his head on the wall."
"I – what?" Lily spluttered.
"House elf," James said. "Although, her respect for her slaves is strangely admirable."
"That's – I mean, I can't," Lily said, mumbling over her words. "That's –
"Bonkers?" Sirius suggested.
"Bizarre?" James offered.
"Fascinatingly peculiar." Of course that one was Sirius.
"I was going to say insane," Lily said. "But if the shoe fits."
"It's a Black family tradition," Sirius told her. "The Noble House of Black has served our family for nearly two centuries now."
"Seriously?"
"Give or take a few years," James said, smirking.
"Wizarding families are bizarre," Lily said, shaking her head. "What about you James? Any strange family traditions?"
"Besides the tradition of passing along the gene for good looks?" James said, cocking his head.
"Absolutely awful Prongs," Sirius quipped. "If it's genes you're family passes on it's messy hair and bad eye sight."
"Can't deny that," James said. "I'm a spitting image of my father. My son will probably look just like me."
"You want kids?" Lily asked, unable to hide her surprise.
"Shocker, right Evans?" James said grinning. "But yeah, I do. Always wanted a sibling as a kid but my wish didn't come true until this pain in the ass came along."
"Me?" Sirius said, mocking indignation.
"I want a house full of kids," Lily said. "And I mean full of kids. All magical and messy and loud."
"You are nuts Evans," Sirius said shaking his head.
"Boys and girls?" James asked, swatting Sirius over the head.
"Both," Lily said. "But a boy first."
"Have you picked out a name for this child?" Sirius asked – his voice tinged with amusement.
"Max for a boy and Holly for a girl," Lily replied instantly.
Both boys burst into laughter. "I think if I'm ever going to have a kid I'm going to give him the biggest name," James said. "I mean, there's about three billion James' in the world and like only three Ignacio's."
"Are you asking for your kid to be bullied?" Lily demanded. "Because that's an awful name."
"I think it's cute," Sirius said teasingly. "You can nickname him Iggy or something fancy."
"I think you're cute," Lily said. "Doesn't mean I'm going to name someone after you."
"Did you hear that Prongs," Sirius said to a bewildering James. "Lily thinks I'm cute. Do you think I'm cute too? I always thought I had the more rugged look to me."
Lily couldn't help but agree with Sirius. The boy – arrogant and vain as he was – never over-exaggerated the extent of his good looks. It was no wonder all the girls swooned over him. James, on the other hand, was handsome in a more subtle, endearing manner. There were small freckles on his nose she'd never noticed. And a definite ski slope to his nose. His eyes were also larger than normal, with eyelashes some girls would probably murder for.
James coughed, his cheeks a rosy read. Lily realized that she'd been caught staring at him. "Talking of names," she said hurriedly. "Why Prongs?"
"Because he's a bloody idiot that's why," Sirius said cheerfully, whacking his friend over the head.
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Lily wondered into Defense Against the Dark Arts trying her hardest to ignore the glares from one side of the room – so what the Slytherins hated her, so what that they would turn against James if she went out with him? So what? But this was Lily, she'd never been able to put others in danger.
She took her usual seat beside Marlene and Alice, hefting her textbook from her satchel and opening it to the page their teacher had written on the board. There teacher – a scarred and scary middle aged man named Professor Hank – hadn't shown up yet, which left the class in a fit of hushed chatter.
"Did you hear about Eliza?" Alice whispered to the two girls.
Lily nodded fervently. "It's so horrible. I really hope they punished Regulus."
"Regulus," Marlene exclaimed. "I heard it was Avery."
"Sirius said it was his brother," Lily said.
"When were you talking to Black," Marlene said, narrowing her eyes. "And when do you call him Sirius?"
Lily blinked. She hadn't even noticed that she'd used his first name. Yesterday she had spent the entire day with James and Sirius sending their time playing cards, charades and watching the boys engage in stupid activities such as a pillow fight and chasing each other around the room on broomsticks.
It was the first time she'd noticed just how perfectly they complimented each other. Sirius' fiery temper was matched by James' bursting optimism. James' moments of spontaneity were matched by Sirius' surprisingly well thought out logic. Both boys stopped each other from going over board, but egged each other towards the point of hilarity and memories that Lily knew would last forever; as clichéd as it sounded. It was nothing compared to her friendship with Marlene. These two boys had a bond between them that Lily couldn't quite comprehend.
"Now, I guess," Lily said, feeling strangely defensive towards Sirius. "That is his name."
In so many ways they were similar. Outcasts from their family. Dealing with outside pressures. Ridiculed and bullied from the inside about things they couldn't control.
"I think you should try talking to –
"Lily you were there," Marlene snapped. "He didn't even try to defend himself. He's obviously too lazy to even fight for me –
"Or you hurt him by accusing him of things he didn't do," Lily hissed.
Marlene gapped. It was out of character for Lily to reprimand her friends. Alice looked between the two of them, obviously torn between backing up Lily, or defending Marlene from Lily's outburst.
"I know what he's like," Marlene said.
"You know what he used to be like," Lily pointed out.
"How can you talk? It's the same with James, isn't it," Marlene muttered, weary of the unwanted attention they were drawing from the nearby Ravenclaws. "Your hesitating because you still believe he's the same boy that embarrassed you in front of the entire school during fourth year."
Lily blanked. Was Marlene right? She barely had time to figure out what was causing her hesitation when the door swung open and banged dramatically against the wall.
"Class," Professor Hank shouted. "On your feet. Today's class is a practical."
The class stood eagerly to their feet, watching as Hank vanished their tables and chairs with a silent wave of his wand.
"The patronus charm," he said. "What's it used for? Potter!"
"Man of few words our professor is," Alice whispered to Lily.
Lily barely managed to stifle a laugh as James explained the uses of a patronus charm in warding off dementors.
"Excellent," Hank cried. He beckoned the class to form a circle around him. "The incantation for this spell alone isn't enough. The caster needs to muster a happy memory – the stronger the more successful he or she will be – and let it consume them. Imagine the memory as a part of yourself, let it sink to your toes, float to the top of your head." With that, he lifted his wand and shouted, "EXPECTO PATRONUM."
A huge silver, four-legged animal sprung fro Hank's wand. It pranced around the circle a few times before Lily identified it as a buffalo. The animal seemed fitting somehow.
"The shape your corporal patronus takes place is often significant to the caster," Hank told them. "It might represent a part of who you are. Or it might indicate a tie you have towards someone. On rare occasions a person's patronus may change form if his or her undergoes an large, emotional change."
Lily caught James grinning from across the room, his arms crossed over his chest. Beside him Sirius was scratching his head with his wand.
"Try thinking of a thought," Hank said. "If you believe it to be strong enough I want you to attempt the spell. Don't be discouraged by failure – many wizards and witches alike cannot properly cast a corporal patronus and only ever cast sliver mist."
Lily scraped through her thoughts, determined to not fall in the latter category. Her entire childhood now felt tainted with the aftermath of Petunia's disgust towards her and her fall out with Snape. She remembered first meeting Marlene on the train. She'd been berating a familiar black haired boy that Lily recognized as the same boy that called Snape rude names. There friendship formed instantly over their annoyance at Potter.
She remembered the time when Alice filled the dorm with balloons and banners and streamers on the morning of her fifteenth birthday. She remembered the time Snape had comforted her after James had caused a suit of armor to throw her over its shoulders and march her around the Great Hall, threatening to not drop her until she agreed to date James.
None of them seemed strong enough. Around her people were already producing mist and Remus nearly produced what looked like some four-legged animal. He was so startled by its appearance that he dropped his wand, causing it to vanish instantly.
She glanced up to feel James' focus directly on her face. He was still staring at her – a beautiful grin across his face – when he shouted, "expecto patronum."
Everyone gasped in awe as a silver stag erupted from his wand, prancing proudly around the room. She could've sworn that its silvery face smiled at her.
"Well done Potter," Hank said. "I believe that warrants ten points to Gryffindor."
Lily eyed the stag's antlers, wondering if James already knew how to cast a patronus and hence, how he got his funny nickname.
After an hour of trying Remus had finally managed to properly produce his patronus – a silvery wolf. He vanished it instantly before anyone could work out that it wasn't just an ordinary wolf. He wasn't the only one who managed to succeed after James: Marlene had produced a golden retriever, which had caused James to laugh hysterically about for nearly five minutes. Two Ravenclaws and One Slytherin had also managed a corporal patronus.
Lily was starting to grow frustrated. Each of her attempts simply concluded with a puff of mist that probably wouldn't even scare a Cornish Pixie, let alone a stupid Dementor.
"You're thinking too hard Miss Evans," Professor Hank said. "If a memory doesn't work try mustering a feeling."
Lily blinked. Maybe she was focusing too strongly a selecting a memory that she was forgetting the most vital point. She wondered what James had been thinking when he was looking at her – a warm sensation prickled around her chest. What if he'd been thinking of her? Trying for subtly, Lily glanced over at James letting the image of him flood her thoughts.
"What are you thinking?" Alice said.
The question was for Marlene but it broke Lily from her gaze. Marlene shook her head, refusing to tell the girls.
"If it's about Sirius I'm going to puke," Lily teased.
Marlene's eyes narrowed. "Of course I wasn't thinking of that pig headed prat."
"Lily," Alice said. "What's your memory?"
"One's that aren't happy enough apparently," Lily replied frustrated.
"Expecto Patronum," Sirius shouted from across the room. He watched, startled, as a shaggy silver dog sprung from the tip of his wand and began chasing its tail.
"Well that makes sense," Alice said, laughing. "You know, it's cute how you also got a dog Marley."
Marlene whacked Alice lightly over the head. "Cute my arse."
Lily pulled her focus away from her friends and back towards the task at hand. Her glance moved involuntarily towards James. She just decided to let it happen – no one had to know what she was thinking about. Drawing the memory of their late night talks in the common room to mind and the feeling that was left in her chest as James talked around her problems, she hefted her wand into the air.
She sucked in a deep breath – barely registering the fact that James was staring back at her.
"Expecto Patronum," Lily shouted, mustering every inch of her being into the spell.
She watched nervously, holding onto the feeling in her chest, as the silver mist sprang from her wand and began to form into, into – a doe. Lily gaped as the silver doe pranced gracefully around the room, tossing its head back and forth.
Her wand clattered to the ground, vanishing the doe from sight. Marlene stared at her friend in astonishment.
"Lily?" She said, shaking her arm. "Oi, Lily."
Lily just shook her head, blinking owlishly.
"Well done, well done Miss Evans," Hank boomed, clapping his hands joyously. "I must admit that I'm impressed with everyone's work today but that's all for today. Class dismissed."
Lily hurriedly picked up her wand, gathered her books and rushed outside. She could feel James eyes following her. God dammit, she thought angrily, of all the creatures in the universe hers had to be a doe. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Marlene and Sirius both produced dogs and they're at each other's necks.
Who was she kidding? She, Lily Evans, had produced the perfect match to James' patronus. She pushed out the idea of soul mates – that was preposterous. Anyway, a patronus wasn't a good enough reason to leap into a relationship. There was the simple fact that she was a Muggleborn and he wasn't. The fact he only wanted her because he couldn't have her.
You don't believe that, her thoughts traitorously told her. Maybe before, but you know that he's changed.
Groaning in frustration, Lily made her way towards the Great Hall.
JAMES POV
"You saw that right," James said, walking between Peter and Sirius towards the Great Hall.
Remus rubbed his temples, looking perplexed. "I guess it might mean something," he reluctantly offered.
"Might?" James scoffed.
"You know Lily, Prongs," Peter said. "She'll deny that it means something."
"Don't go looking at this as some kind of proof that she should date you," Remus said. "If anything, that'll make her like you less."
James nodded. Her turned to Sirius who'd been silent the whole way. "What do you think Padfoot? Reckon Lily and I are soul mates."
Sirius shrugged. "Moony's right."
James groaned. "Rotten supportive friends you lot are."
He slouched into the Great Hall, depositing himself in his usual seat. Remus sat beside him, eyeing James skeptically.
"Have you told her how you feel?" Remus asked.
James gave him a pointed look.
Remus rolled his eyes. "No you idiot. Have you really told her? Maybe try that instead of just asking her out."
"I dunno," James mumbled. "I suppose I could, but what if she rejects me again. I think I really like her now."
Remus shook his head sadly. James rubbed his fingers through his hair and glanced down the table at Lily. She wasn't smiling, her fork moving listlessly across her plate, but she nodded to her friends anyway. James felt a sudden desire to stand up and hug her.
No, he didn't think he could stand another rejection. Maybe all he ever was going to have was a friendship with Lily Evans. He was okay with that – being friends with her was better than not. But then why did it hurt so much?
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