With Hank in arms, Morgan moved to the door where he expected a bubbly Garcia to be waiting. Their normal routine whenever Penelope would visit would be her taking Hank and immediately directing all attention to the little man for the first 10 minutes of their visit. What he expected was far from what he got when he opened the door. The normal Garcia greeting of liveliness was gone and instead a watery-eyed Penelope stood in her place.
"Baby girl, are you okay," He ushered her in quickly into the living room. She shook her head, unable to speak without letting out a sob. Derek placed Hank in his playpen before seating himself next to her and taking hold of her shaky hands. He hadn't heard from the team in a while, they had been on back to back cases and between their job and his it was hard to collaborate schedules. Garcia was the one he saw the most, she always made time for her godson, he would see JJ when she set up play dates with Michael and of course Spencer would stop by every once in a while.
"Garcia, what's wrong?" He handed her a Kleenex still holding her hand.
"I have to tell you something?" His mind went to her being sick, was she in trouble; Penelope and him had this friendship that was hard to explain, she was so much more than a friend, a part of his family.
"What's going on?" She released his hand and stood up from the couch, pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table. He studied her body language, once a BAU agent always a BAU agent. She rung her hands, taking a few coming breaths as she searched for words, her eyes were red and puffy with tears still falling down her face and the furrowed brow was all enough to tell him that what she was about to say next was going to hit him like a tidal wave.
"I…" She began but her words were caught in her throat. "Damn it," She cursed under her breath before restarting her routine back to pacing.
"Penelope," He called in a demanding voice, she jumped and looked at him, fear in her eyes.
"The team went on a case a few days ago," She began to explain; he could hear her words catch in her throat. "Something happened and I don't know how to tell you."
"Who," He understood the gist of what she was saying; someone on the team was gone. If it had been just an injury she would have just called but right now, she was finding it hard to tell him. She looked at him with all the sadness in the world and shook her head as more tears slid down her face. Her face contorted as the feelings overwhelmed her again, he knew, somehow he knew from her face, from her reaction ; from the way she was struggling to tell him it was, "Spencer." She nodded falling onto the couch next to him as the dam broke again and she began to cry on his shoulder. He wrapped her in his arms but he was still in shock, he did not know what to say, his little brother was gone, the man who was the namesake of his son's middle name. Everything seemed to stop, time stopped as he held on to his friend as she cried. He felt the disbelief quickly fade and as he held Garcia he felt the anger inside begin to show itself.
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Savannah had just gotten home; it was quiet which shocked her. She crept up the stairs and carefully opened to the door to her son's room looking in. The light from the hall cast a glow to show his sleeping face, She smiled and again carefully closed the door. She now was on the hunt for Derek who usually greeted her at the door after one of her shifts. She checked their room, it was empty, the bathroom, the spare room, no sign of her husband. She slowly descended the staircase double-checking the living room before moving to the kitchen, which was also empty. A light banging sound made her aware of a presents in the basement, he had spent a lot of time down there when he was working on the house but usually now he would use it to take his mind off something. She walked down the stairs and saw him facing away at the workbench, his headphones in but the baby monitor nearby.
"Derek?" She knew he could not hear her, she could hear his music that meant it was on full blast. He was hammering away at something she had not seen before, maybe a bookshelf. She slowly made her way to his sight of vision causing him to jump slightly, ripping out the ear buds.
"Jesus Savannah," He scowled.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," He answered in a grumbled tone.
"Derek," She crossed her arms, she did not have to be a former behavior analyst to know something was going on.
"Garcia came over today," He sighed throwing the hammer aside and sitting on the stool. She was confused, a visit from Penelope was always a sure way to make their day.
"Something happened," She asked.
"Case gone wrong," He looked down at the floor shaking his head.
"What happened?"
"Spencer died." Her hands shot over her mouth, had she heard him correctly, the youngest member of the team, the brains, he was gone. She was at a loss for word, when she first met Spencer she knew him immediately, the whole team she was able to pick out based on Derek's conversations but Spencer along with Garcia was the one that Derek spoke of the most.
"What happened?"
"He was shot trying to save a victim, Garcia said it happened quickly."
"Baby," She placed a hand on his shoulder but he shot up.
"I don't understand, why him, why did it have to be him?" He was yelling at this point, not at her but to the universe.
"I don't know," She shook her head watching him pace.
"He was smart, he had every opportunity in the world and now he's gone, how is that fair?"
"It isn't fair, Spencer was a miraculous man," She felt tears welling up in her eyes, she wanted to cry not only because she was sad about Spencer but because she knew the anger Derek was feeling was only an outlet of his grief.
"I just talked to him… a week ago, he wanted to hang out but I was busy."
"He understood, he was busy too remember he got pulled onto a case that day anyway."
"I should have made more of an effort with him."
"Derek, Spencer knew you loved him, he knew that you were there for him, and there was no doubt about it."
"I just don't get it, I don't mean I want anybody else on the team to be where he is now but why him?"
"I don't know," was all she could answer.
"He has had such a tough life, a dad that left, a schizophrenic mother with Alzheimer's, he's been shot, poisoned, drugged, tortured, his girlfriend was killed in front of him; when was his break, why did everything go bad in his life."
"Not everything was bad, He had you and the rest of the team, three god sons that adored him, he was loved and he knew it."
"I know, but I still can't understand."
"Maybe you never will, bad things happen with no explanation all the time; he died a hero Derek, he died saving a life."
"He was my brother," When he looked at her she saw the pain in his eyes. A small cry broke his gaze, he looked over at the baby monitor; Hank was up.
"Come on, let's go upstairs, I think he wants his dad, and you need him too." She lead him up the stairs, she still didn't know what to say, Spencer was part of their family in a big way, she couldn't help but worry not only for her husband but for the rest of the team, this loss was going to hit them hard.
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Derek stared at the ceiling; it was 4:30am and he had not even closed his eyes. He could not stop thinking about what Spencer would have been going through in his last moments. Garcia had told him that Spencer would have lost consciousness in a matter of minutes and soon after that, he was gone. He was not mad at the team, the thought crossed his mind but he knew that they loved him just as much as he did, no his anger was towards himself.
It was the one thing that had been on his mind since Garcia had told him the news this was his fault. He had always promised to keep Spencer safe, granted he had slipped a few times but this time he wasn't there when his friend need him the most. He quit the BAU, it was for a good reason but if he had stayed, he would have been there when everything went down and maybe he would not have been negotiating. He would not have been standing there when Wendell fired the shot that killed him. That name would forever cause him to flare up in rage; this stranger, a psychopath just walked into their lives and without a thought took away one of the most important men in their lives.
He could not sleep, he threw the covers over to Savannah and changed, he had to get air. He left a note and his pillow, kissed Hank on the forehead and walked out the door. He ran, he did not know where too but he just knew he had to keep going. All his anger and frustration was in every step, he picked up his pace his feet hitting the ground harder as he sprinted down the road, taking turns as if he knew where he was going, he didn't even think about it. All the while his mind was running with him, all the pain hit him, the vexation taking over him, the same questions on a loop, wondering why it was Spencer. After a while he had to stop, his chest was tight and he could hardly breath. He found a bench and slid into it, no matter how fast he ran all those questions were not going to go away. He pulled out his phone and flipped through his photo's, he found one of the team when they had a going away party for him, Spencer had his arm slung around his back with a beer in hand, a smile on his face, in that picture it showed the two men's bond.
"Damn it Spencer," Derek cursed as he clung to the phone. "Damn it!" He repeated a little louder, he was so pissed how could it be Spencer, he had so much to do. "You should be here," He yelled towards the sky. "Your mom needs you, we need you!" He wanted to punch something, the anger boiled inside him. He knew Spencer did not have a say in leaving this world, obviously, but he thought back to Savannah's words, maybe he would never understand why this had to happen. Sure he was a hero, he was always one, but all this pain did not make knowing that any better. He was this brilliant mind, a kind soul that created joy and safety in everyone he met. "I was supposed to protect you, I was supposed to be there, and now you're gone and I don't know what to do."
He sat on the bench for a good hour; he was tired, tired of these thoughts, tired of being angry, he just wanted his friend back. He just wanted to wake up and realize it was all a dream but the pain it was too real and he knew that it was definite, he was lost and stuck on that bench wondering what Spencer's last thoughts were, was he scared, would things have been different were he there or would it be the same. He wanted to scream; he wanted to fight, wanted to take out his aggression, it was boiling inside. Who could kill a man like Spencer, he was a strong and brilliant and some unsub who thought that killing an FBI agent was going to help his case. How did that man live, how come he got to live after her murdered so many? It would never let up, he knew with every unsub them living meant they had to live through prison which somehow felt like a justice to the family but with Wendell it was different. He wanted that man did, he wish his former team mates had just taken him out the minute the bullet left the chamber. He gave the girl up and surrendered and now he would rot in a prison, which did not make Derek feel better. He never really followed religion closely, his dad died in front of him when he was a kid and from that point on his faith was shaken, today it was non existent. What cruel god would take an innocent man like Spencer from this world? Savannah was definitely correct, he would never understand why this was happened and even more so, he would never let go of his hatred toward the unsub.
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Savannah heard the door close, the sound of Derek kicking his shoes off and tossing his keys in the bowl by the door. She had woken up to find an empty bed and for a minute, she panicked until she found his note. He had written that he needed to blow off steam that he needed to get air. Now he was back and when he walked into the kitchen, she could tell how horrible he felt. At this moment, he was angry but what he really needed to do was to let it out, she had offered Hank to the neighbor Hannah who immediately accepted. Now it was the two of them alone and she had prepared everything she needed to get him to let it out.
"I was worried," She spoke softly watching him make his way to the fridge and grab a bottled water.
"Sorry," He grumbled.
"Derek, we need to talk about this," She watched him carefully, he faced away from her but the dropping of his shoulders told her he had let out a sigh. He closed the door and stared at the stainless steel. "Derek," She pulled a stool over and patted the top signaling him to sit. She looked at him with sadness in her eyes; she missed Spencer too, though he had known her only a little while he had made his impact.
"If you think I'm being too much of a wimp about this…"
"Woah woah woah, nobody said anything about you being a wimp, your grieving is natural, you just lost a very close friend, I would be worried if you weren't upset about it."
"So what is there to talk about, I'm upset."
"You're angry, and I know a lot of it was toward the killer but I can't help but think you are trying to take some of that blame too." He didn't answer which gave her all she needed to know that she was right. "He would hate this," She frowned.
"I know but I told him, I promised him…"
"Derek, he understood why you left, he encouraged it. He had his whole team around him, I talked to Penelope no one saw it coming it just happened." She saw the shimmer in his eyes, it was starting to break the anger streak and go back to the step he missed.
"He was… god the kid was my brother, I keep thinking that it's not him, like I know someone who died but it wasn't him."
"I know, it is the worst feeling in the world, it isn't going to go away overnight."
"I just going through scenarios where I was there, maybe I could have…"
"Don't, Derek you didn't do this, thinking like that is only going to make it hurt worse. This was no one's fault, the unsub was out of control, he just moved a fraction of a second faster than they thought."
"I just keep thinking, what went his mind, was he scared, he wasn't weak but he was the one with the most heart, I cant take the thought of him being scared."
"He was brave, he was so brave," She wrapped her arms around him. It had been a long time since Derek Morgan cried, a long time since he felt this pain. He curled into her and let it out, for the first time since the news he cried, it was heart breaking to her but she was glad she was there, even her own tears slipped out for Spencer, the man who meant the world to her family, tragically taken away.