After the Storm Chapter 4: Bargaining- Emily, a criminal minds fanfic

There is a game; it is played too often when one is in mourning. It is a game that wreaks havoc; one that slowly can drive one mad with guilt. There are no winners only losers for how could anyone win after a tremendous loss? It's called the what if game and no one should ever have to play it because no matter how many times you run the scenarios through your head and ask yourself what could have gone differently the result is always the same and there is no way to bring that person back. Emily had been playing this game since the gun went off and she watched her friend fall, it had caused her to lose sleep, she couldn't eat, there was nothing else on her mind. Her dreams were consumed by the terror of that dreadful day and she would wake up in a panic, sweat dripping off her face and her heart racing.

Currently she sat in Rossi's kitchen, in the other room other's shared memories, they cried over pictures of the late Spencer Reid; she could not be there, not after she let this happen. She sat at the kitchen counter sipping on wine, her mind still in on a continuous loop of every second leading up to the end and there were a million things she could have done differently. Every time she closed her eyes she saw him, blood everywhere, trickling from his mouth as he gasped for air and then… emptiness in his eyes.

"Emily," Her eyes shot open as the man approached behind her. "I was wondering where you went." Rossi rounded the counter and stood in front of her, brandy in hand. She looked at him; he looked tired but a lot better than her. She could see the way he was looking at her; worry.

"I just needed a refresher," She lifted her glass before taking a sip.

"Come on Emily, I don't need my profiling skills to tell you're lying." She let out a sigh.

"I just miss him," that wasn't lying but she was leaving out the most important information; it wasn't fooling Rossi.

"When was the last time you slept Emily?"

"I don't know, before this all happened probably."

"I keep thinking of it too, there is no erasing what we saw."

"Yeah, I know but I just keep thinking maybe if I had just taken his spot with JJ…"

"We would be here mourning you."

"I would gladly have taken that spot."

"Emily, what happened to Spencer was beyond our control, no one saw it coming, it wasn't part of the Unsub's MO to have that gun, we didn't know he was going to shoot at us."

"I just keep going over it again and again and again and I think I could have prevented it."

"I was where you are, I have played that what if game Emily and that is the worst thing you can do in this situation, what is done is done, there is no going back and I can assure you there was no way you could have saved him."He could see her take in the words but they fell dead to her ears; he sighed, he had seen how much she was blaming herself and it killed him. "I have been where you are, heck I think I'm there right now a little bit. Every person that I have watched die I have thought to myself what could I have done differently, with Carolyn and Gideon I would rack my brain trying to think of how I could have prevented it."

"But there wasn't a way I know," Emily stopped him.

"Thing is Emily I know I'm right, I know that no matter what I did whether it was getting to Carolyn sooner, or keeping up with Jason there is no bringing them back, though I know we wish really hard that we could.."

"I know its just, I don't know I don't want to put anyone in his place but he was the youngest of the team, he was just so loving and had a mind that could change the world."

"I wish I could change it too, I wish I could have been in that spot but he's gone, and like I said Emily we did everything we could."

"I know but it just doesn't make it any easier."

She lay in her bed, arms folded across her chest and focus on the ceiling, though maybe she was trying to stare beyond. This day had been horrible, so unreal; had they really just buried Spencer Reid? It was as if she was in a simulation of some sort, where she could see what the world would be like without him and soon she would be awoken to find him but that was not the case. Since his murder she would talk to him, she knew he didn't believe in an afterlife but after him talking about the afterlife she thought it couldn't hurt. She would stare at the ceiling for hours searching for the right words to say to him.

"I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am." She felt silly speaking to no one but somehow she felt as if maybe she could get some sort of closure. "You didn't deserve this and if I could rewind time I would." Every night she would go through what she knew about Spencer, every horrible thing that happened to him, being tortured, being infected, losing the love of his life and losing his mentor. He must have gone through this; when Maeve died JJ called her and told her everyday how terrified she was for Spencer, his depression, his guilt, he was right where she was now. She wanted nothing more than to finally accept that this was not her fault but there was no way she could push down the culpability.

She had had enough, she swung her legs over the edge of her bed and got up, and sitting still was only going to make her go crazy quicker. She had walked the apartment, the same track since day one, through the kitchen searching mindlessly through her refrigerator, she wasn't hungry but right now she didn't know what she wanted. She sighed and finally decided on a water, shutting the door and moving to the living room plopping down on the couch. Lately she felt so lost, racked with guilt and grief, it was eating her alive inside much like most of the team. She had talked to Garcia every day either over the phone or when she came over crying over losing her friend, mostly she would say repeatedly how she still hadn't been hit that this was real but other times she would ask what happened.

When she called director Cruz she specifically told him not to release the details to Garcia. She knew that Garcia couldn't handle it, technique she couldn't handle it, watching the light leave from his eyes had been one of the worst things she had ever encountered. She had seemed like the most put together person through times of adversity but inside she was dying, she wanted to scream, how could this happen how could she let this happen. She could hear Rossi in her mind telling her that this wasn't her fault that there was nothing that she could do but how could she forgive herself, she had told him and JJ to take lead and it had gotten him killed. She was exhausted, every time she closed her eyes, a different scenario would play out and for a second she would believe it was real until she woke up and remembered. It was the worst feeling in the world, forgetting about it, for a second even if it was only a second she as okay but then that horrible feeling consumes you. She let her eyes slip closed, sleep greeted her like an old friend but she knew it was only going to betray her.

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC I know this one is slightly shorter but this feeling of grief was harder for me to explain, I hope you like the story so far, thank you, love Layna.