All she could do was stare at Hannah Mill's face; she screamed internally, her eyes pleaded for help as the cold metal barrel of a nine millimeter was pressed tightly to her temple. Beside her Spencer tried to reason with the unsub, trying to convince him that they meant him no harm which was hard to do with guns trained on him. Behind them she could see Emily and Rossi through the back window making their way to the backdoor, she also knew that Alves and Lewis were making their way through the home.
"Kellen we know what your sister did, she can't hurt you anymore," Reid assured him.
"She…She's gone," he stammered. Kellen Hanover was dealt a horrible hand in his lifetime. When his parents died in a freak accident when he was eight his twenty-year-old sister gained custody of him and from that point on he had lived in fear. His sister abused him physically and emotionally, and five victims later, he was still trying to end the abuse.
"Yes, she is gone and she can't hurt you anymore, we don't want to hurt you either but Hannah Mill is afraid, she hasn't done anything wrong, you have to let her go." The man looked quickly down at the woman's face, this wasn't his sister.
"I…I cant go with me, you'll kill me, Amanda says cops are bad, they will kill me if I tell them."
"We won't you just have to let Hannah go," JJ watched as Hanover thought it over, slowly his grip on Hannah was loosened but in an instant it changed, Hanover caught a glimpse of Alves and he grabbed Hannah again.
"You lied!"
"Kellen let her go, we aren't lying," She tried to calm him.
"As soon as I let her go you kill me!" Rage was clearly seen in his face, he placed the muzzle of the gun to Hannah's head again.
"Kellen we just want to…"
"Shut up!"
"…Just want to help you what she did…"
"Shut Up!" He yelled again, this time he brought the side of the gun to his head trying to stop his thoughts.
"Kellen, you have to let her go," JJ pleaded.
"I said Shut Up," He screamed. It happened so quickly, he moved his gun and pulled the trigger missing his intended target, but still he hit someone. JJ felt the splatter of the crimson hit her face, everything seemed to stop for a minute as she saw Spencer fall to the ground
"Spencer," She gasped ready to drop down next to him.
"Don't Move," Hanover demanded once again raising his gun to Hannah's head. JJ looked down at Spencer as he gave her a look of despair as blood began to trickle from his lips.
"Please help me," he gargled out. "Why won't you help me?"
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He felt useless to her, all he could do is watch as JJ slowly deteriorated internally. He was woken up abruptly every morning with her sudden movement, she was jolted awake by the same nightmare that would likely plague her minds for some time. For the first few nights she would collapse in his arm and just cry, he often lost count of how long but the only way it would stop is when she exhausted herself. Now she would just get up and walk around refusing to give in to her exhaustion, she was like a zombie, walking around in a trance almost, lost. He felt helpless, he had told her since day one that this wasn't her fault that she did everything she could but when you relive the murder of your best friend it was hard to accept the truth.
He looked at the clock; four thirty, an hour before his alarm would have gone off. He stood up and led JJ downstairs, she looked different, bag under her eyes and her face slimmer, he worried about her. With her being in this state he wouldn't help but wonder if she would ever snap out of this funk. He pulled a pan out of the cupboard and move to the fridge; he found that creating a routine might help. It was very important that he make her talk to him about what was happening and that there was no keeping it inside. He could tell that maybe she hated him for it, making her talk about such a horrible dream but it was what needed to be done. He placed a plate in front of her before seating himself across from her. He rested his head in his hands, elbows on the counter waiting for her to take the first bite.
"You need to eat," he finally spoke not that she was listening. "Jennifer, eat," He picked up her fork and handed it to her. She weakly moved her hand up and took the fork. She took a bit but to her everything seems so unappetizing, to keep him satisfied she managed to stomach the eggs. "Talk," He placed a mug of coffee in front of her and took a sip of his own readying himself.
"I don't feel like talking about it." She murmured under her breath.
"I know you don't, you haven't wanted to since day one but you know…"
"I know what the doctor said," She snapped throwing her fork at the plate. "It isn't going to make a difference, talking it out!" He was used to her yelling by now, all the anger inside of her that was let out in sudden bursts.
"I know you're hurting JJ, I know that it isn't helping that nothing is going to bring him back but you can't keep it pent up inside, he wouldn't want it."
"Don't tell me what he would have wanted, I'm so sick of hearing it, we don't know what he wants, he is dead he can't tell us."
"JJ…"
"No, I can't keep pretending that these talks help, I can't keep pretending that I didn't lose my best friend, our sons' godson." She sprung up from her chair and paced the kitchen. "It isn't okay, it wont be for a long time, I watched him die, watched him struggle to breath, watched the light leave his eyes and that's not fair!" hot tears started to well up in her eyes. "It's not fair that his mother lost her only child, that while she will forget his slowly she won't have him by her side as she struggles through the dementia, it's not fair that our boys won't have their Uncle Spence."
"JJ none of this is ever going to be fair, none of this is going to make sense, Spencer was a hell of a man and I know how much you love him but I know that he wouldn't have wanted this." She shook her head as the tears slid down her face.
"I can't get it out of my head; I keep seeing it all play out, watching him suffer, I held him, I watch him take his last breath!" That had been the worst part of it all, she was so helpless in that moment. Will now stood beside her holding her close, they sat in silence the only sound she heard was his heart beating. She wondered it this would ever be okay, she had felt this pain when she was young after her sister had been found, the same feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that her world had been over, she was so lost this past week, her mind had shut down.
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"Kellen, look at me," JJ heard Lewis call from behind him. She had lost focus as soon as Spencer had went down, she was staring at him as he looked up at her with pleading eyes, fearful eyes. Hanover turned his attention away and as soon as she was out of the line of fire she dropped down next to him.
"Spencer, look at me," She cradled his head on her lap, her hands on the bullet wound, there was so much blood, too much to be something fixable. "Spence, come on stay with me okay, everything it going to be okay." A tear from her hit his cheek, all he could do was stare up at her and smile, but she knew he knew it wasn't good.
"It's…it's okay JJ," He said through the fight for air; his teeth were stained by the crimson liquid filling his mouth. The coopery smell filled her nose making her sick, she pressed down harder on the gaping hole in his shoulder, blood leaked through the spaces in her fingers.
"Reid, please you're going to be okay, you have to stay, for your mom, for the boys," She pleaded but it was helping.
"Hold…hold my hand," He wheezed, tears filled his eyes but a smile graced his face. With hesitation she took her hands off of his shoulder, one stroked his hair the other clung tightly to his hand.
"You're going to be okay, everything will be over soon," She sobbed as she brushed her fingers though his hair, her voice as calm as she could. She watched as his eyelids started to droop with heaviness.
"It's o..okay JJ I don't… feel it." His voice so soft that she didn't completely catch what he was trying to tell her.
"What," She asked
"I… I don't h..hurt anymore," A small break in his voice sounded in the sentence. She knew she was losing him, she placed her hand on his chest, feeling this heart beat.
"It's going to be okay, alright you are going to see Gideon again," He smiled weakly trying to fight the darkness. "Someone will start beating you at chess again," she laughed, the corner's of his mouth turned up in an effort of a smile.
"I… love you guys," his voice weak but clear.
"We love you too," JJ sobbed. That was it, she watched his eyes close, listened as his last breath escaped him his heart stop beating. "Oh god," She whispered, she pull him into her chest, his arms hung lifelessly next to him as she rocked him back and forth sobbing. She heard a gunshot and the unsub was down, screaming in protest, that was an unjust ending to this killers reign of terror, he lives and her best friend dies.
"Mama," She snapped back to present time, she was sitting at the dinner table, Will and Henry looked at her with concern.
"Sorry baby, what did you say?"
"I asked if you wanted the mashed potatoes," He held out the bowl looking back at his father who gave him a small reassuring smile.
"Thank you," She took the bowl and placed a dollop on her plate, she didn't intend on eating them but she had to make them believe that she was. Henry knew somewhat what was going on, Will had told him. He had managed to calm her and get her into bed before their son started asking why she was so upset. He sat him down and from the other room she could hear him relay the horrible news. She could hear Henry cry; there was nothing she could do. Will had stepped up for everything this week, woken up early, even on his overnight shifts to bring Henry to school and Michael to the sitters. He made sure she ate, showered and slept before a quick nap and back to work. He had cooked and cleaned, he did everything an still found the time to make sure she was bottling up her emotions too much. He had handled the whole thing well, he cared for Spencer, he was part of their family so when he got the news he was in shock. She knew she was lucky to have him because even after she yelled at him, snapped and even walked away he was always there the minute she needed him.
They ate dinner in silence before Will spoke up and coaxed Henry into talking about his day, all while feeding Michael and himself simultaneously. They finished up and Will excuse Henry to go play while he cleaned up Michael and the table.
"I can take Michael," JJ offered.
"It's okay babe, go relax," He pulled their son out of the highchair and place him in the playpen while he cleaned the highchair.
"I can do it will, you have been busting your ass here, let me help." He gave her a small smile and handed her the rag. She picked Michael up and sat in the recliner with him, it didn't take long for him to start fussing. "It's okay baby mama's here," She cradled him in her arms and he gave her a smile, moments like those kept her going, for her kids sake, for Will. The depression was dragging her down lately, a darkness that was consuming her. She knew that Will was right when he told her that Spencer would not have wanted this but she was so heartbroken right now that it didn't seem possible to move past this. She kissed Michael on the forehead and placed him back in his pack and play before helping will with the dishes.
"I'm sorry for last night," She said as she picked up the drying towel.
"There is nothing to be sorry for," He didn't look up from the sink instead he handed her a plate.
"I know this week has been hard on us all and it isn't helping that you are the one taking on most of the responsibility here while I just sit here." He sighed and turned off the water before taking the towel from her and drying his hands.
"I don't want you to think that way, JJ you just lost Spencer, he was this man who meant everything to you and the team, the world to our boys, hell he was like a brother in law to me." He tossed the towel aside and leaned against the counter. "This isn't going to be easy, I know that and you know that. I am doing everything I can to make sure that you are alright, you take your time, you grieve but please don't apologize for."
"I'm going to be okay," She tried to convince them both, tears welled up in her eyes and her voice cracked.
"Yes Darlin', you are going to be just fine." He pulled her close and held her in his arms, she felt safe there, she could cry and he would just hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. She wanted nothing more than to be okay but for now her heart hurt and she had to grieve.
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC She lowered Michael down gently into the crib placing a soft kiss on the top of his head. She lingered in the doorway looking at her son soundly sleeping before quietly closing the door and meeting Will in the hallway. He had just left Henry's room and she grabbed his hand to walk to the bedroom with him.
"He is asking for you again," He kissed her cheek and let go of her hand before leaving her alone in the hall. She had tried so hard to keep her emotions in check when it came to Henry, he was sad and she wanted to be strong for him but her heart had been shattered by this and she didn't know how to be strong. She walked into her son's room, he sat up in bed waiting for her. She smiled and sat next to him; it had been the first time since Spencer's death that she had been alone with Henry, Will usually accompanied her just in case Henry would ask any questions.
"Mama," He looked up at her with those big beautiful blue eyes. "I know you're sad."
"I know baby, I wish I wasn't, I don't like you to see me like this." She had him move over so she could sit beside him; she wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on the top of his head.
"I miss him too," It shouldn't have caught her off guard like it did but when he said those four words she felt a lump form in her throat and the tears begin to collect again.
"I know baby but you know what, he was so proud of you, and he loved you so much."
"I know," now his voice cracked.
"And he will always be with you, baby no matter what he is right there with you."
"I don't understand why he had to go, why he is gone!"
"I don't either but life works in mysterious ways, and unfortunately they are unfair sometimes."
"Will I forget him?" It was such an innocent question for an eight year old.
"No, I won't let that happen, we have a million pictures and so many memories, we can talk about him anytime you want."
"But it makes you sad."
"I know but remembering him makes me happy plus I have you and Daddy and Michael and we are going to get through this."
"I feel like I'm going to be sad forever," He cried.
"I know but it won't be, you will miss him but it will get easier, and you have me right by your side." Truth be told you never stop missing them, you think about them and a wave of sadness might hit you but the pain becomes tolerable, she learned that when her sister died. She held Henry close and let him cry, she rocked him to sleep before pulling the blankets up and kissing his forehead. She wished her son never had to experience this pain but he was and seeing him made her realize that she may miss Spencer but she had to clear out of this haze and be there for Henry. She closed the door and made it down to her bedroom.
"Are you okay," Will asked pulling the blanket back and letting her snuggle in next to him.
"Not completely but I'm getting there."