A/N: Here's another chapter. Sorry for the delay. Got occupied with other stuff. Thank you for all the kind words and reviews. We Lizzington shippers sure have it rough. Still love the ship though. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I promise. Better times are coming.
Chapter forty-three
Lizzie returned back to the spot she'd previously occupied on the beach. She lay down on the sand and looked up into the sky again. "My life has been a rollercoaster ever since you disappeared. I guess I wasn't doing well before you left. I'd just divorced Tom and I think I never dealt with it at all. I focused solely on my job. You became my life line in a way."
She had his full attention. She seemed to be opening up to him and it surprised him. Usually he had to push her. He kept looking out over the water and Lizzie kept looking up into the sky. It was strange in a bit. This was a big moment in their relationship and yet they weren't looking at each other. But sometimes the most personal conversations were easier to have without having to look each other in the eyes.
"And then you died and my world crashed. It was too much to deal with and I think just like my divorce, I didn't really deal with your death either. This time I had nothing to focus on though. I didn't want to work anymore. I didn't want anyone in my life. I closed myself off from everything and everyone. I became a stranger. I think I'm still a stranger."
She glanced at him for a moment. She knew he was listening, but he kept staring in front of him. "I keep expecting you to disappear again. I know you won't but it's as if my mind keeps telling me to expect it, to protect myself, to avoid that pain." She looked back up into the sky again. She felt a lone tear falling down her cheek. "But my heart betrays me. My heart tells me to trust, to love, to commit. The conflicting feelings, the constant fight within me, it keeps me off balance."
Red turned his head and looked at her. She had her eyes closed and he saw her cheeks were wet. There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't. She needed this, he needed this. He couldn't interfere. This was part of the process she had to go through. He lay down next to her and just like her he watched the sky above them.
"If I let you in completely, trust you completely, put my heart on the line, I am afraid of losing myself. I don't trust my own feelings, Red. I can't because look at what happened with Tom." She swallowed thickly. "I loved Tom. I believed in our relationship. I believed in for better or worse, in sickness and health till death do us part. I believed it all. And look at how that ended. It was all a lie. I was left alone again." She took a deep breath to try to calm herself down. She moved her hand towards him, but left it in between them. She wanted his touch, but she wasn't sure if he would be willing.
Without a word though Red put his hand on top of hers and squeezed lightly. Her words were powerful, but most of all he was thankful for her honesty. Finally he was truly getting an insight in her state of mind and it pained him. Her pain hurt him. He did wonder if he could help her. Maybe she needed professional help. Standing back up he looked down at her. "I'm not sure if I can help you." He started. He wanted her to heal and didn't want to be the one to hold her back. Maybe it was better if she got professional help first and then they could start healing together.
He scared her. She was afraid he was going to walk away from her, that he was going to leave her alone. She was opening up to him and now he was leaving. She quickly jumped up. She had to find a way to keep him with her. He couldn't leave. She couldn't help that. Her breath was starting to come in short bursts. "No, Red." She said. "You can't leave." She whispered more to herself than him. She panicked. She went on instinct and threw herself in his arms, making him stumble backwards and put his arms around her for balance. Before he could utter a word her lips were on him. Hard and uncontrolled she kissed him, demanding entrance immediately. Her hands were on his shirt, already trying to open the buttons.
Surprised by her action his first reaction was to kiss her back which he did, but he quickly realised his mistake. He didn't quite understand what had gotten into her. She was frantic, her kisses were frantic. He tried to push her back, tried to end the kiss but she kept had a tight grip on his shirt. She kissed him hard, bit his lip and grunted when her fingers were unable to open his shirt. "No, Lizzie." Red said roughly. He tried again to push her away, this time with more force.
"I'll give you what you want." Lizzie said as she kissed his neck. "Don't leave." Giving up on working on his shirt buttons she took the hem of her shirt in her hand to pull it over her head.
"No, Lizzie!" Red said again. Seeing what she was about to do he grabbed her hands in his and pushed her away. "Don't do this." He said. His voice betrayed how much her kisses had affected him. He wanted her, but not like this.
"You don't want me." She straightened her shirt. She felt ashamed. She thought that this was what she wanted. "You don't want this." He was rejecting her. She turned away, called out to Jethro to follow her which he did. "I'm sorry."
He needed a moment to recovery, a moment to collect his thoughts which were all jumbled because of her kiss. What the hell had just happened? He replayed the event and then it clicked. He realised too late what was going on because she'd already walked away. He shook his head. He was angry with himself. Angry at his lack of composure. He should have stopped her, but his body had betrayed him. He'd given into her kiss and then he'd pushed her away. She thought he'd rejected her. But what was worse of all she thought he would only stay if she gave herself to him. He shook his head and got angry. What the hell had happened to her that made her do this? What the hell made her think that this was any sort of solution at all? Realising his anger was getting the best of him he took a few calming breath. He looked up. Lizzie was almost out of sight already. He had to get to her, had to prevent this from escalating.
TBC..