Baby Talk

"Hey, Mac."

"Yeah, Bern?"

"The other day I went to the boss's office to ask for a raise. I told her 'I'm a hard working employee who deserves to move up in the world.'"

"And what'd she say?"

"Nothing! She gave me a step stool and sent me on my way!"

"Baaaahahaha!"

All around the sewer tunnel construction workers laughed amidst large machines and tall electric lights.

Splinter himself muffled his chuckles at Bernie's corny joke, clutching a bag of freshly dumpster-plucked groceries in his arms as he hid high above the crew nestled stealthily among the pipes.

It had been six months since his little mutation incident, and though he had thought a lifetime of solitude would come naturally to him as a ninja he soon discovered that spending month after month with no human contact was much more difficult than anticipated. The first few weeks had been easy, mainly because all his attention had been focused on figuring out his new living situation and caring for his young sons.

Now that he was at least moderately settled, however, the loneliness of his new lifestyle was quickly becoming unbearable. His sons were wonderful, but by no means could be counted as decent conversation partners.

At one point he wondered if he would go mad from the lack of outside contact. When he first arrived in New York he had seen a homeless man who walked around in a ballerina tutu screaming about how his brain was being eaten by mutant potatoes! Was that Splinter's fate? To dwell in the lonely silence until he too was dancing about in colorful clothes proclaiming the misdeeds of alien vegetables? He had imagined it once, and sadly enough it had put him off eating his daily supply of carrots for a week.

Thankfully, as the sixth month passed winter settled upon New York, and with it new denizens came to the sewers. Some were homeless people seeking shelter in the warmth of the tunnels, but most were construction workers toiling tirelessly to make sure the city's network of steam pipes were kept in tip-top shape.

At first Splinter had been terrified. The more people there were the more chances he had of them discovering his secret hideout, and worse, his children! But at the same time the sound of human voices echoing through the air had been like sweet music to his mutated ears. And no music was sweeter than that of his personal construction crew.

They had come to the sewers to do some routine maintenance work, but upon discovering a set of hazardously worn pipes had extended their stay. As the days passed by Splinter had cautiously started to watch them, drawn by their warm demeanor and the hilarious, if not sometimes cheesy, tales of the one called Bernie, or Bern for short.

He was a master of comedy, and when the turtles were down for their naps, Splinter took the greatest delight in settling down to watch the crew and listen to his comedic stories.

But as with many good things in life, his story time had to come to a close. Splinter checked the time on a watch he had scavenged. 2:15. His sons would be up any minute, and what's more, though he enjoyed his human time, he knew that leaving them for anything longer than an hour put them at risk.

With a heavy heart and a sigh, Splinter stealthily leapt from his perch, jumping from pipe to pipe until he landed a safe enough distance away to continue on foot. He turned back towards the distant crew with a smile.

"Until next time, my friends."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Splinter walked through the archway to his home just in time to hear crying coming from his most troublesome son.

"Yes, Raphael, I hear you!" Splinter half shouted with a smile on his face. He walked to the kitchen where he set down his bag of groceries and plucked a fresh bottle from the milk cooler. By now he had several sets of coolers with which to store his dumpster begotten treasures. He hoped one day he would have a refrigerator, but sadly with no electricity snow was the best he could get for keeping things cool.

With bottle in hand he walked into the nursery to find all his sons awake, and one screaming his head off.

The moment he stepped through the door Michelangelo cried excitedly to see him.

"Why, it is wonderful to see you too, Michelangelo." said Splinter as he plucked Raphael from his crib and plopped the bottle firmly in his mouth. "How has your day been?"

"Ababababab." said the tiny turtle. Splinter smiled. Though none of his sons would be able to speak for quite some time, they had begun to make their first non-crying or gurgling sounds. And none of them were more talkative than his little Michelangelo.

"You don't say?" said Splinter. "And did your brothers behave while I was gone?"

"Geeeeeee."

"They did not?! Whatever do you mean?"

"Aheh! Yaaaaaa!"

"Leonardo escaped his crib to battle a dragon?!" asked Splinter in mock shock. He turned to Leonardo. "Is this true?!"

Leonardo stared at him with questioning eyes.

"No need to deny it, my son. I can see the guilt in your eyes. But tell me this: Did you win?"

Leonardo stared for a moment longer before he put his hand in his mouth and started sucking on his own fingers.

Splinter grinned. "Well done, my son! To defeat a dragon at your age is no small feat. This calls for a celebration! Warm bottles of milk all around!"

The babies all stared apathetically at his grand proclamation, all except Raphael having moved on to their next diversion. Splinter chuckled to himself. His children may not be great conversationalists, but that didn't mean they did not have fun.

One by one Splinter plucked his children from their cribs and escorted them to the living room to practice sitting upright on their own. If they were going to be great warriors of the Hamato clan one day sitting up would be the least of their training. And if it just so happened to fill the time until he could go spend more time listening to Bern's stories, well that was just a consequence he would have to live with.

Splinter sat high up in the pipes as the construction workers labored below.

"Hey, Mac."

"Yeah, Bern?"

"The other day I told my dog, Skippy, to go fetch me a bone. So, he went off and I waited a bit, and when he came back you wouldn't believe what he brought me!"

"What?"

"It was a dinosaur bone!"

"No way!"

"Yeah, way! So, I look at the bone and I think 'I could make a lot of money off this thing.' So, I tell Skippy to go get me another bone. And he goes off, and I waited a little bit, and sure enough he brought me back another one! This time it was from a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Big bone! From the biggest dinosaur of them all!"

"That must be worth a ton of money."

"You bet it was! So, I think 'Why am I doing this one at a time?' So, I turn to my dog, Skippy, and I tell him 'I want you to go fetch me the biggest, oldest, mustiest pile a bones you can find. And he runs off and I waited a little bit, and you know what he brought back?"

"What?"

"My mother-in-law!"

"Baaaaaaahahahahahaaa!"

The tunnels erupted in laughter. Even Splinter had to bite his fist out of sheer effort to suppress his barely contained guffaws.

Though the ninja master himself had deeply loved Tang Shen's mother, Bern's infamous mother-in-law often led to some of his best material. Splinter had feared that he would be late to the show after his children refused to go down for their naps, but after some soft-singing and a sprint down the tunnels he had arrived just in time.

"Man, Bern, you are really on point today." said Mac, whipping his brow with a pocket handkerchief.

Suddenly, an alarm blared off to the side.

"Break time!" called the foreman. Everyone began packing their things. Splinter checked his watch. He should be getting back also. It was already well past his usual hour, so his children were all probably getting restless by now. He stood up, ready to leap back towards his home when—

"Hold it! Hold it just one minute!"

He stopped. Splinter cast his eyes down to see Bern taking a position on top of a pile of concrete.

"Before you go anywhere." said Bern. "I got a story I'm just dying to tell you."

"Awwww, Bern!" said Mac. "Can't it wait until after lunch?"

"Ya want food, or ya wanna hear the most excitin', most gut wrenchingly funny story ya ever heard in your life?"

Everyone mumbled among themselves. Finally, the foreman spoke up.

"This better be a good story, Bern!"

"Trust me," said Bern grinning. "It'll knock your socks off so hard they'll die, go to Heaven, and send ya back a postcard."

The entire crew laughed as they gathered around for the story.

Splinter checked his watch. Surely, he could afford just a little longer. His children had been late getting to their naps, so they were probably still sleeping anyway. One more story couldn't hurt.

With a confident smile on his face, Splinter sat back down ready for the tale of his life.

A can skidded down the stone tunnel.

Behind it trudged Jeremy, a young construction worker carrying a heavy box of lunch orders. He was new to the crew, sure, but that didn't mean they had to go and stick him on lunch patrol.

"This stinks!" he shouted as he once again kicked the can. Nothing seemed to be going right today. First, he got sent on lunch patrol. Then, the lady at the deli-counter had kept him waiting forever, not to mention giving him the stink eye. And now, to top it all off, he was lost! Lost in the sewers of New York, trudging about with a heavy box of lunches, most of which smelled horrible! Could it get any worse?

"Ababababab."

Jeremy stopped. Was that…Nah! Couldn't be.

"Geeeeeee."

No. He definitely heard it that time. Slowly, Jeremy put down the lunch box. He crept down the tunnel towards a large stone archway where he could hear…well, he could hear something. Now he just had to investigate and find out what it was…

"And so there we were." said Bern as his audience stared. "The house was on fire, the cops were out front, and my mother was wrapped from head to toe in bubble wrap. I was furious! I turn to my little boy, Jimmy, who was standing there all teary eyed, watching his toys go up in smoke, and suddenly my heart melts. I mean he's just a kid, right? So, I sigh and I ask him 'Well, Jimmy, did you at least learn a lesson from all this?' and he nods, so I ask 'What did you learn?' and he looks me straight in the eye and says 'Next time I give grandma ice cream, I'll do it at her house!'"

"Baaaaaaaaahahahaha!"

The entire tunnel erupted into a thunderous uproar of laughter and applause.

Splinter himself was practically rolling with laughter, clutching his side as his ribs threatened to snap from the force of his gasping guffaws. The joke may have taken a half-hour to set up, but it was more than worth the wait.

"That reminds me of my little girl, Bonnie." shouted one construction worker. "Last week melted her dolls in the oven because she thought they looked cold!"

"That's nothing!" called another. "The other day my little girl, Jen, asked my grandma, straight to her face, if she was part raisin!"

More howling crows echoed through the tunnels, and Splinter couldn't help but grin ear to ear. They were fathers! Just like him! Finally, people who understood exactly what he was going through! Who could have guessed that almost every member of this wise cracking crew was a parent dealing with the exact same situations that he was dealing with right now? You know, minus the mutation and living in a sewer part that is.

Splinter shook his head as his laughter calmed down. Every time he thought these construction workers were simple laborers they surprised him with their depth and wisdom. And each time they did he was reminded how truly grateful he was to have them in his life.

"Guys! Guys!"

Splinter looked down the tunnel where a young construction worker was sprinting towards the group with a massive box in his arms.

"Jeremy!" shouted the foreman. "What took ya so long? Those lunches better still be warm!"

"Forget the lunches!" shouted Jeremy as he stopped breathlessly in front of the crew. "I found something waaaaay better."

"Better?"

"Yeah! Check it out." Jeremy sat the box down on the ground as the construction workers gathered around to see what was inside. Splinter was curious himself, but unfortunately didn't have time to stay and find out. He leapt from his pipeline perch, ready to sprint towards home when—

"Abababab."

The world froze. Splinter could feel his heart turn to ice in chest. That sound. There was no mistaking that sound.

His entire body felt as if it had been turned to lead. So great was his shock that he missed the pipe he had been leaping towards, and instead SMACKED face first into another pipe before plummeting to the ground. It took every ounce of ninja training he had to land softly and scuttle into the shadows without being seen.

One of the construction workers briefly turned in his direction. The worker eyed the shadows, as if searching for something he couldn't quite make out, but, upon seeing nothing, turned back to face the box as he and everyone else murmured in wonder.

Splinter's heart crashed against his chest again and again even as stars from his recent head trauma continued to dance in front of his eyes. He was disoriented, but he knew he had to get back up to the pipes. Had to see for himself what was in the box even though deep down he already knew.

He turned and leapt into the air as high as his legs would take him. Latching onto one pipe and then another, he worked his way across the ceiling until finally he could see into the box. And as he did so, all his worst nightmares came true.

There, lying in the box, were his children. All four of them, wedged together as if they were the very sandwiches which the box had undoubtable once held. The construction workers ogled them.

"What are they?" asked one.

"Are they aliens?"

"What if they're like little dino-people?"

"Whatever they are, I bet we could make a fortune selling them online."

Splinter cursed himself. And then cursed himself again! How could he be so foolish?! He had left his children unguarded, unprotected, and now they were in the hands of a group of humans, not a few of whom were staring at them as if they were hunks of meat ready for sale.

Jeremy pulled the box closer to himself. "What do me 'we?' I found them!"

"Yeah, but you sacrificed our lunches to do it!"

"Guys." said Bern nervously. "I don't think ya should be messing with them like that. They look like babies, and if their Mother's anything like my Mother-in-law she'll rips us apart faster than Mac with a pastrami sandwich when she finds out we have her kids."

"You worry too much, Bern. What are the odds that their parents are gonna find out?"

Splinter would have smiled if the situation wasn't so dire. He had to think fast. He had to get his kids, but if the workers saw him they would never return to the sewers again. He had to be subtle.

As fast as he could he fled back to his shadowy corner on the ground, and grabbed several small chunks of broken concrete in his hand. It was time to make use of the ninja's greatest weapon: Stealth.

With a quick flick of his wrist he sent a concrete chunk soaring across the tunnel into one of the electric lights. The light shattered, plunging that section of the tunnel into darkness.

"What was that?" asked Jeremy nervously.

One by one each of the lights in the tunnel were shattered, returning the tunnels to their natural state of shadowy gloom, only the light from the manhole covers in the distance providing what little illumination there was.

The construction workers looked around frantically.

A scuffle off to the side.

"I heard something!"

"Quick, Mac, get us a light."

Mac fumbled for a second before turning on a flashlight. He swung it around the tunnel, but Splinter was careful to avoid its piercing gaze. With silent footsteps he wove between the scattered workers on all fours, getting ever closer to the box with his children.

Mac looked around before suddenly stopping. His eyes watered as his breath hitched.

"What's the matter, Mac?"

"My allergies are acting up."

"I thought you were only allergic to fur."

"Well, there must be some nearby because…because…A-CHOO!"

With a mighty sneeze Mac dropped the flashlight on the ground. The flashlight spun around and around before suddenly landing on none other than Splinter himself just as he was inches from grabbing the box. Splinter quickly hid his face behind the sleeve of his robe, caught despite all his efforts.

The construction workers stared.

"Hey, buddy." asked Bern fearfully. "Who are you?"

Splinter was trapped. It would be only seconds before they caught onto his not-so-human features. He could flee, but then his children would be left behind. But if they saw him…

No. He knew there was only one option. He took a deep breath, stilling himself.

"I'm sorry." He whispered quietly.

With a dramatic sweep of his arm Splinter revealed his mutated face.

And HISSED!

"RAAAAAAAAAAT!"

The construction workers all screamed, stampeding down the tunnels as they took flight from the horrific figure behind them.

As they ran Bern turned to Mac.

"Hey, Mac!"

"Yeah, Bern?"

"What has soiled pants and is never coming back to the sewers again?"

"What?"

"Me! Let's get out of here!"

The workers scrambled up the ladder, shoving each other out of the way until every single one of them was gone, up to the surface world never to return again.

Splinter sighed sadly.

"Goodbye…my friends."

Splinter turned down to his children, all of whom seemed to be alert and well despite everything that had occurred around them.

He smiled as he picked up the box. It was true his friends were now gone, but his family was safe, and that was all that mattered.

As he picked up the box Michelangelo smiled at him.

"Buuuuuuuu!"

"Why, yes, Michelangelo." said Splinter smiling. "They were silly men."

"Gebababa."

"You want to hear a funny story? Well, I would be happy to share. There once was a little kappa…"

And as Splinter regaled his children with his humorous tale, he turned down the tunnels, ready to make the long trek back home.

Author's Note: Hi Hi everyone! Here we are at Chapter Three! YAAAAAY! This was a long one, but it had to be to encompass all the long winded jokes and really capture Splinter's longing for human friends.

Anyway, I would love to hear what y'all think of the latest chapter! Thank you all so much for reading, and as always have a hyper awesome day! LOVE YOU GUYS~!