When the Turtles Are Away

Age: Fifteen

"Bye, Sensei!" shouted Leo. "We're off on patrol."

"Take care, my sons."

Splinter watched with a smile as his four boys leapt over the turnstiles, heading off for their nightly patrol of the city.

His ears twitched as he listened for the telltale sign of the manhole cover opening and closing that would signal that his boys had made their way to the surface…

Not yet…

Not yet…

There was the cover opening…

A set of groans as Michelangelo made a none-too-pleasing joke…

Aaaaaaaaand there it was. The sound of the manhole cover being replaced.

And with that Splinter was officially alone. It would be hours before the boys came back which meant yet again Splinter was left to his own devices.

Now…was Splinter Time.

Splinter used his tail to flick the TV remote into his awaiting hand. He clicked it at the TV.

The screen popped on revealing the words "Days of our Hearts" written in flowing cursive letters as dramatic music played.

Splinter flipped up one of the couch cushions revealing a secret compartment in the couch filled with extra-large bags of Cheezy Bitez.

"Now, time to see if Raquel's plot to trick Julio's evil twin into marrying Lupita will actually succeed."

He popped open a bag of Cheezy Bitez and munched a single morsel as his eye remained glued to the TV.

"Oh, Lupita. How I love you."

"There is something you must know Julio. I am not Lupita."

"What?!"

"No. Instead I am…Lupita's evil twin's eviler twin from a parallel time line!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Splinter sat on the edge of his seat avidly gorging himself on Cheezy Bitez. This dramatic revelation was the most dramatic revelation since the last dramatic revelation!

As the credits rolled leaving Splinter with yet another dramatic cliffhanger guaranteed to get him to tune in for the next episode Splinter got up and stretched. He checked the wall clock.

It was almost midnight which meant it was time for Splinter's other Splinter Time hobby: Snooping in his children's stuff.

And he knew exactly where to start.

The door to Mikey's room slide open.

Splinter sniffed the air as he entered the room. Each of his children's rooms had a unique scent to it. Leonardo's always smelled of green tea scented cleaning products, Donatello's was a mix of motor oil and chemicals, Raphael's smelled a bit like a gym, no doubt from all his working out, and Michelangelo's reminded Splinter of the most bizarre pizzeria in the world.

Delicious Italian scents from homemade marinara and aged cheese mixed with more peculiar scents such as maple syrup and jalapenos. It was a strange combination of smells, and every time Splinter entered the room there was always something new added to the mix. Today's scent? Teriyaki gum drops.

As much as Splinter enjoyed smelling the sometimes tasty and often strange perfume of Mikey's room, he had to keep focused. He was here on a mission.

Mikey had something Splinter wanted.

Splinter walked over to the wall of Mikey's room and pulled away a poster revealing a secret safe. Splinter placed his ear to the safe and listened as his hands worked at the tumbler.

…42…63…15…NO!...16.

Click.

Splinter stood up with a smile. It was the fifth time Mikey had changed the combination, but no tumbler lock was a match for Splinter's keen rat hearing.

Splinter opened the door to the safe—

WHAM!

Splinter stared with an upraised brow at the spring loaded boxing glove he had just barely managed to catch before it connected with his stomach. It was definitely a new addition to Mikey's security system, albite a slightly cartoonish one.

Splinter reset the glove and reached behind it.

His hand connected with its prize.

Slowly he pulled out the treasured possession: A Ratman #76 first addition comic book.

Ever since Mikey was little he had been collecting Ratman comic books. He originally started because he thought someone was secretly making a comic book about his rat mutant father, but after figuring out the truth he kept with the series because of the compelling stories, amazing action, and, though the series was not actually based on Splinter himself, the intriguing similarities between the heroic main character and the father he loved so much.

In general Splinter didn't much care for comics, and occasionally reprimanded his children for spending too much time with them. But this series was special. And every time Mikey would get a new issue Splinter would make it his top priority to read it without his son knowing. After all, if his son ever found out every single one of his attempts to get his children to read other forms of literature would surely be shot down via his children citing Splinter's own love of the comic and using it against him.

Which is why Splinter had made sure his secret hobby was never discovered.

Splinter took the comic in hand and swiftly made his way towards the living room, ready to kick back and catch up on Ratman's latest adventure when—

BOOM!

The lair rocked.

Splinter stumbled for just a second before his foot connected with a skateboard lying on the floor.

The skate board slipped from underneath Splinter sending the ninja master falling backwards while the precious comic went flying out of his hands in the opposite direction.

Acting on pure instinct Splinter turned his fall into a quick back handspring, twirling once in the air before landing back on his feet.

He quickly looked around to see where the comic went.

And stopped dead.

Slowly he made his way towards the couch with a face filled with horror. For there, in the middle of an open bag of Cheezy Bitez, sat the comic, completely covered in artificial, orange cheese powder.

This was not good.

Splinter quickly ran through his options. He could make it look like one of the other boys did it. But they were all out on patrol together so each of them had an alibi.

Maybe he could clean it off? Oh, who was he kidding? Even if he tried every cleaning product he had it would only damage the delicate paper and smear the precious ink. Mikey would notice. Accusations would be leveled. Trust betrayed, resentment would form, and before he knew it his son would join the Foot Clan, don a black bandana, and come after Splinter as the newly adopted son of Shredder himself!

Okay, that was a little bit much, but Mikey would definitely be mad if he knew Splinter borrowed one of his comics without permission and then dunked it in artificial cheese.

No. Splinter's only option was to replace the comic. But how? The boys would be back soon. He needed to buy some time.

Leo, Mikey, Donnie, and Raph stood on the rooftop of an apartment building looking over the city with a set of binoculars.

"See anything?" asked Leo.

"Nope. All clear." replied Donnie.

"Good. Let's head home already." said Raph.

"Yeah!" agreed Mikey. "I wanna get started on my new Ratman comic. It took me forever to track it down."

"Alright guys. Let's—"

Leo stopped mid-sentence as his T-phone went off. He looked at the screen.

"It's Master Splinter."

"Master Splinter never calls while we're on patrol." said Donnie.

"Must be serious." said Leo.

Leo clicked the accept button. Splinter's face popped up on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Greetings, Leonardo." said Splinter. "How goes your patrol?"

"Everything is quiet, sensei."

"Tell him I said hi." whispered Mikey. Leo pushed him away.

"We were just about to head home."

"No!" said Splinter. "I mean, I…want you to look into something. Something shook the lair earlier and I want you four to check to see what it was."

"It was probably just a minor tremor." said Donnie. "Though I wouldn't rule out a gas leak which could have led to a small explosion."

"Nevertheless," said Splinter. "I want you to conduct a full investigation as to the source of the occurrence. Leave no stone unturned, and don't come back to the lair until you have a full report on what caused it."

"But that could take hours!" complained Raph.

"Yeah! I was really looking forward to my new Ratman comic book." whined Mikey.

"This is not up for discussion." said Splinter hurriedly.

"Hai, Sensei." replied Leo. "We'll get on it right away."

"Good luck, my sons."

Splinter hung up.

"Pfft." scoffed Raph. "What a waste of time."

Splinter hung up. That should give him at least a couple hours. Now for the next problem. The comic.

Splinter looked down at the cheese covered comic in his hand. To be honest he had no idea where he would find a comic like this. And if he found it he had no idea how he would actually get it. But one problem at a time.

First thing's first. He needed someone who could help him find a replacement for the precious comic. Someone even more obsessed with them than his sons. Someone liiiike…

"Who dares enter the realm of Malachi, the Sparrow Wizard?!"

Immediately, Splinter questioned his life choices.

Splinter watched as a portal opened in the floor. Flames and fireworks erupted from the portal and then, soaring like an eagle, came Malachi who struck a pose atop a mountain of gold as what sounded like a horse whinnied in the background.

Splinter had been informed about Malachi's illusion powers, but he had to admit this was impressive.

"Greetings, fair traveler. And who might you—"

Malachi GASPED as he laid eyes on Splinter.

"Oh my gosh! It's Ratman! THE Ratman! I can't believe it! I—Oof!"

In Malachi's excitement he stumbled off his pile of gold and DROPPED face first to the floor. Almost at once the mountain of gold disappeared along with all the other fanciful things that had appeared at Malachi's entrance.

Splinter raised an eyebrow.

Malachi immediately scrambled to his feet looking like a kid in a candy store.

"You're real. You're actually…wait a minute. Ratman doesn't wear a robe. Where's your costume and your cape and your cheese powered mouse mobile?"

Splinter was silent for a moment as he tried to process everything the tiny sparrow mutant was saying. He shook his head.

"Forgive me. I am Hamato Yoshi. I believe you've met—"

Malachi gasped. "You're Master Splinter! The turtles told me so much about you! Well, that and I peered inside their minds when they came to play Mazes and Mutants."

Splinter raised an eyebrow.

"Forgive me for not recognizing you, oh great ninja master. To be fair you do bear a somewhat striking resemblance to the superhero Ratman. Though I'm sure a wise sensei such as yourself has no knowledge of such modern matters."

"Um, perhaps I have more knowledge than you would think."

Splinter hesitantly withdrew the ruined Ratman comic from the sleeve of his robe.

Malachi gasped again! He tended to do that a lot.

"A Ratman #72 first addition! What happened to it?!"

Splinter started to speak.

"No no! My keen sparrow senses have already given me the answer."

Malachi sniffed the comic and then licked it.

"Cheezy Bitez. The bane of comic books everywhere! So tasty and yet, oh, how so many precious comics have fallen to their orange powder of death!"

"That is why I need your help." said Splinter. "There was an…accident and I need you to help me replace this comic book before my sons return from their patrol."

Malachi gasped! Seriously, what's with all the gasping?

"You…need my help!" asked the sparrow wizard, astonished. "This is the best day ever! A real ninja master needing my help! Oh, I can't wait to tell all my online friends!"

"No!" said Splinter. "This is a…"

"A stealth mission!" finished Malachi. "Even better. Ducking and dodging through the shadows like silent ninja assassins. Oooooh, it's so exciting!"

"So…you will help?"

"On one condition!" said Malachi, suddenly taking on an authoritative yet dramatic pose. "You must join my band of warriors in our quest to obtain the Relics of Rugafrenz from the ruins of Raddlethwarp."

Splinter stared in absolute confusion.

"Um, I…"

"You have to join my Mazes and Mutants group!" shouted Malachi excitedly. "It's an all mutant group that plays on Thursdays and having a real ninja master on the team would be AWESOME!"

Splinter continued to stare.

"I do have money."

"No!" protested Malachi. "Either join my group on our quest or forget receiving the help of Malachi the Sparrow Wizard." Malachi turned his back.

Splinter stared. "Perhaps—"

Malachi quickly turned back around.

"Oh, pleeeeaaase join my group! Pretty please with Cheezy Bitez on top?"

Splinter pinched the bridge of his nose. He was running out of time.

"How long would I have to be a part of this group?"

"Just until we finish our current quest! None of the turtles ever need to know!"

Splinter sighed. "Very well. Help me replace the comic and I will temporarily join your…quest."

"Huzzah! Yet another adventurer joins our merry band! Now, quickly, my new companion. If we are to replace this comic book I know of but one place we can go. To the surface!"

Malachi flung his cape behind him as he ran off, tripped over a broken tile, fell flat on his face, got up, and then ran off again like nothing had ever happened.

And all the while Splinter yet again questioned his life choices.

The turtles sprinted down the street pursued by four hovering Kraang blasting lasers.

In a nearby alley Malachi slowly lifted a manhole cover.

"The coast is clear."

He set the manhole cover aside and quickly shimmied the rest of the way into the alley. Splinter looked about cautiously before following behind him.

"Ooooooh, this is so cool!" said Malachi. "Sir Malachi has returned to the surface once more!"

"So, where do we find the comic book?" asked Splinter.

"Fret not, my fuzzy companion."

Splinter was uncertain how he felt about being called a fuzzy companion.

"The object we seek is in yonder tower!"

Malachi pointed towards a nearby rooftop on top of which sat a small, wooden aviary.

Splinter nodded.

"Very well. Let us go. But maintain stealth. We must not be seen."

Malachi rolled his eyes.

"Please. I am a master of stealth."

Malachi did some quick "ninja" moves.

And accidently kicked over a series loud, noisy trashcans in the process.

He grinned innocently, quickly putting his hands behind his back.

Splinter just sighed.

A car whizzed past the end of the alley.

Splinter and Malachi both peered outside the alley, checking to make sure no one was around to see the pair of mutants.

After a brief moment of silence Splinter signaled for Malachi to move electing for him to go first should anything…unexpected happen.

Malachi squeed silently before leaping out of the alley in a "stealthy" pose.

He quickly ducked behind a trashcan, and then sloppily summersaulted a few feet to hide behind a mail box causing Splinter to groan inwardly with embarrassment.

After a couple more stealthy looks around, Malachi sprinted as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him across the street, and then dove into the alley right into a pile of trash bags.

He stayed buried underneath the trash for just a moment before popping up with a proud stance.

"Huzzah! How's that for stealthy?"

"Well done."

"Aah!"

Malachi screamed as Splinter suddenly appeared beside him.

"Don't do that!" shouted Malachi, though he quickly covered his mouth at his non-stealthy outburst.

"Quickly." said Splinter as he pulled down the ladder to the fire escape. "We must get to the rooftop before we're seen."

Splinter gestured for Malachi to go first.

Malachi looked up at the multi-story climbs above him.

"I don't suppose there's a ninja secret elevator we could use?" he asked hopefully.

Splinter narrowed his eyes.

"Very well then!" said Malachi in false enthusiasm. "Onward and upward, my long tailed amigo!"

Malachi got to the ladder and quickly pulled himself upwards.

Panting rang through the night.

High atop the building a small, mutant hand gripped the edge of the roof, followed quickly by another.

Slowly, a winded Malachi HEAVED himself onto the roof, rolling the last little bit to lie on his back.

"Eight…stories…Huzzah!" huffed Malachi, clearly more used to long hours of sitting and playing board games than excessive amounts of stairs.

Splinter leapt up on top of the roof, landing with the grace of a feather on newly fallen snow.

Malachi looked at him incredulously as he started to get up.

"Truly your ninja skills are worthy of legend."

Splinter smiled as Malachi walked past him to the aviary.

Malachi flung open the door to the aviary revealing an apparently abandoned interior.

He stepped inside the small building and started brushing straw off the floorboards.

A laser blast SHOT across the sky behind the pair of mutants.

Splinter quickly turned around.

He scanned the horizon for any sign of the strange noise he was sure he had heard, but found nothing.

"So, what is this place?" asked Splinter as he turned back to Malachi.

"This is the aviary above my dwelling from my previous life. I hid my secret stash of comic books up here after my mom threatened to throw them out for not cleaning my room."

As a parent Splinter could totally relate.

Malachi lifted a small section of floorboard.

"Aha! We have found the treasure!"

Malachi heaved as he lifted a large box of comic books from underneath the floorboards.

"They're all still here! Captain Solar #36. The Cyan Blur #42. Princess Yum Yum Go Go? How'd that get in there?"

Malachi casually threw it over his shoulder where a sudden laser blast SHOT through the wall of the aviary and vaporized it right behind Splinter's head.

Splinter quickly spun around, watching as charcoal dust drifted to the ground. Now he knew something was going on.

As Malachi looked through his impressive collection of comics Splinter noticed the small hole in the side of the aviary.

He crept over to it and looked outside through the hole.

His eyes widened.

"We have to go. Now!"

"But I haven't even shown you my Lady Lizard #93!"

WHAM! Suddenly a massive, metal something SMASHED the roof off the aviary.

Both Splinter and Malachi looked up as what appeared to be a bizarre fusion between a metal crab and a Kraang flying saucer soared overhead.

"On second thought, we should probably go."

The metal limbed space ship soared a few feet more before dropping down onto the streets below, landing with six crab-like legs right in front of the four turtle brothers.

Splinter and Malachi looked over the side of the building as the two sides did battle, the space ship attacking with lasers and giant metal claws as the turtles did their best to avoid getting snapped in two.

"I have to help them!" shouted Splinter.

"No!" shouted Malachi. "We'll be seen."

"My sons' safety is far more important than a comic book."

"Just hold on! There's a way we can help them AND still remain unseen. But first, get these comic books to the sewers."

Splinter hesitated for a moment.

"Trust me!" said Malachi.

Splinter stared for a moment more before nodding. He grabbed the box of comic books and dashed to the edge of the roof.

Down below the turtles fought tooth and nail against the giant machine.

"Dude, this thing is awesome! It's like some sorta giant Kraang Crab!" shouted Mikey.

"Can you not admire the thing that's try to kill us?!" shouted Raph as he dodged a giant metal claw.

"I have to admit though, it is quite impressive." said Donnie.

"Not you too!" shouted Raph. "Next thing you know Leo will be askin' it to prom!"

"Hey!" shouted Leo right before he dodged a massive laser blast.

Malachi clumsily ran down the stairs of the fire escape, trying not to fall despite the fact that half his run was done with a wooden peg leg.

He started down the ladder at the bottom until his grip slipped off the metal rungs.

Malachi fell through the air for just a moment until Splinter caught him, grunting a little under his weight before setting him down on the ground.

"The comics are safe." stated Splinter. "Now, what did you have in mind to fight this machine?"

"Fear not." said Malachi with a dramatic smile. "I may not be a ninja master, but I learned all about these machines when I was in your sons' minds. They are piloted by the vile creatures known as Kraang, but take heart! For though the machine itself is strong, there is no pilot that can withstand the might of Malachi, the Sparrow Wizard! Behold!"

Malachi pointed his hand at the Kraang Crab as his eyes glowed with pale blue light.

Inside the Kraang Crab a single Kraang piloted the machine, laughing maliciously as she attempted to crush the insignificant turtles.

She felt a light tapping on her shoulder. She turned around only to find herself face to face with some sort of sparrow mutant in a blue cloak.

"Greetings!" said the mutant.

BOOM!

Suddenly fire erupted all around the mutant! Its form grew and shifted in front of the Kraang until there stood not a small, round sparrow mutant but a massive, three headed sparrow DRAGON!

The sparrow dragon turned all three heads upon the Kraang and ROOOOOAAAAARED!

The Kraang screamed in horror!

Outside the turtles could only watch as the Kraang Crab suddenly went berserk! It frantically stumbled around the streets, flailing all its limbs and crashing into anything and everything.

"What the sewer apples is wrong with that thing?!" asked Raph.

"I don't know." said Leo. "But now's our chance! Mikey, Donnie, tie it up!"

"You got it, bro!" shouted Mikey. Mikey extended the chain on his kusarigama and tossed one end to Donnie.

The two brothers leapt forward and quickly wove the chain around the Kraang Crab's mechanical legs.

Raph and Leo ran to Donnie and Mikey's aid as the two boys planted their feet firmly against the pavement with chains in hand.

"Now!" shouted Leo.

The four brothers pulled the chain with all their might.

The chain tightened, jerking all the frantic legs together into one, unstable clump.

The machine struggled to maintain balance for just a moment before the whole thing came CRASHING to its side against the pavement.

The main hatch in the top of the Kraang Crab suddenly popped opened as the Kraang inside SHOT out and scrambled away, screaming in terror as she fled down the street.

The turtles all stared after her.

"What was that about?" asked Raph.

As the four turtles stared after the Kraang, a manhole covered in a nearby alley was stealthy pulled into place.

Back at Malachi's sewer lair Malachi shuffled through his massive box of comics.

"Aha! Here it is, my friend. Ratman #72 first addition!"

Malachi handed Splinter a pristine copy of the comic book encased in a plastic sleeve.

"A treasure worthy of our valiant quest!" proclaimed Malachi proudly.

Splinter took the comic and bowed.

"Thank you, Malachi. You are a truly noble warrior. Much more so than I originally thought."

"Thank me?" asked Malachi. "Thank you! That was like one of the most epic adventures ever! Perilously navigating a hostile environment in the dead of night and fighting a giant crab monster all in a quest for comic books and glory! Ooooooh, I can't wait for our Mazes and Mutants session!"

Splinter smiled. Malachi might not be a ninja, but he had a good heart. And was quit handy with his illusions.

"But alas, noble Splinter. We must part ways. The turtles will be back soon and you must get thee hither before your ruse is discovered."

Splinter laughed.

"Farewell, Sir Malachi."

A brilliant smiled beamed across Malachi's face as Splinter sprinted down the tunnels. His next Mazes and Mutant session was gonna be sooooo epic!

"Sensei, we're home!"

Splinter smiled at his four turtle children from his place on the couch. By his calm demeanor no one would ever guess that he had been sprinting frantically through the lair on his way to replace the comic book just seconds before.

"Greetings, my sons. Did you discover what the source of the shaking was?"

"We did, sensei." reported Leo. "But it's a looooong story. With your permission we would like deliver our report after we've had lunch."

"Take your time." said Splinter. After all, he was there to witness at least part of their investigation.

"Sweet!" shouted Mikey. "Who wants agave syrup and anchovy pizza?!"

"No offense Mikey, but I'm really not in the mood for seafood." said Donnie as Mikey sprinted for the kitchen.

"Especially crab." added Raph.

Splinter laughed. Overall, this had been one of his more interesting nights while his children were away. He still wanted to know what happened in the Ratman comic book, but for now he was content with waiting until another day to find out.

A day without Cheezy Bitez.

Author's Note: Wooooohooooo! Chapter eleven is up at last! And I have BIG news my glorious readers!

"Adventures in Parenting" won TWO awards in the 2015 Stealthy Stories TMNT Fanfic Competition! YAAAAAAAY! It won 1st place in the "Best Splinter" category and 3rd place in the "Best Chibi" Category! There were even these hand drawn certificates and everything! PRAISE THE LORD! :D

Thank you so hyper much to everyone who voted, to the people who nominated the story, to the admins who run the competition, and to all you totally AWESOME readers who continue to stick with this story! You guys ROCK OUT LOUD!

Since the story won the Best Splinter category I thought a chapter focusing on the ever awesome Splinter would be a wonderful way to make this announcement! Let me know what you guys think of this most recent chapter. Thank you all so much for reading and being the totally amazing people you are. LOVE YOU GUYS!