Spiderwillow and Berrypaw walked side by side through the trees, scenting the air. They were searching for catmint. Berrypaw hadn't seen any yet, but she had spotted a large berry bush.
"What about those?" she meowed, pointing toward them with her tail.
"No, we have enough to last us many seasons," said Spiderwillow. "I received some in a sign from StarClan. The sign that said you should be my apprentice."
Berrypaw padded over, giving them a sniff. She paused, thinking. "Er…death berries, right?"
"That's right," said Spiderwillow. "When do we give them to cats?"
Berrypaw paused. "…never?" she ventured.
"Only when a cat is in great pain and suffering, and they're going to die anyway," Spiderwillow explained.
"Oh." Berrypaw nodded in understanding. "Okay." She made note of it. Then she spotted something beyond the bush. "Spiderwillow, is that…?"
"Catmint! Good, Berrypaw!" Spiderwillow hurried forward to gather the catmint into her jaws. Berrypaw purred, proud of spotting the herbs. Some of the cats in camp had started coughing, and Spiderwillow was worried. She wasn't absolutely certain if it was just a cold, or if it was worse than that…but she wasn't taken any chances. She seemed very stressed. Berrypaw often had to remind herself that her mentor was just worried (after all, Spiderwillow's best friend had died of greencough). But sometimes it hurt to be snapped at by a stressed Spiderwillow. Berrypaw did her best not to show it, though. She was glad that right now, her mentor was in a good mood.
They made their way back to camp. As they entered, Stonepaw rushed up to them (he was fully healed by now) and gasped, "Spiderwillow, it's Brightpaw! She's coughing!"
Spiderwillow's ears flattened, and she tensed. She dropped most of the catmint at Berrypaw's feet. "Go put this in the medicine cat den," she snapped, and then bounded off after Stonepaw.
Berrypaw flinched a little, picking up the catmint. She padded into the medicine cat's den and sorted away the catmint.
Songkit padded into the den. "Berrypaw!" he squeaked. "Look, Berrypaw! Seedpaw taught me the hunting crouch!" He demonstrated.
"Very good!" Berrypaw meowed encouragingly, licking his tiny head. He smiled, then started coughing.
Berrypaw felt a catch in her throat. "Oh, no," she whispered. "Spiderwillow!" she yowled.
"Yes?" Spiderwillow padded into the den, looking grouchy.
"Songkit's coughing," Berrypaw said, her eyes wide.
Spiderwillow immediately began to check him. "He's got Greencough," she meowed, sounding exhausted and almost scared. "And so does half the clan. We have plenty of catmint, but this is the worst Greencough I've ever seen."
Berrypaw felt her heart sink. She swallowed hard.
The next few days were the hardest days of Berrypaw's life. She treated sick cats with Spiderwillow, trying to keep them alive as best she could. She was exhausted, especially because of her nightly visits to Russetfeather, which had become brief, shortened by her being awoken in the middle of the night to cats coughing in the medicine cat den. Songkit was weak, and barely clinging to life. Berrypaw watched Brightpaw, Stonepaw, and Ashclaw fade away under her care. Even Songkit was beginning to fade. He barely recognized her anymore when she padded over to treat him. She constantly went searching for more catmint—they'd run the old patch into the ground. And to make matters worse, at every turn Spiderwillow snapped at her. Berrypaw's family was falling apart before her eyes, right when she needed it most.
Russetfeather was the only thing that stayed strong, the only thing she could count on.
Berrypaw padded weakly to sit in the opening of the den, trying to block out the weak coughs of the cats behind her. She smelled like herbs and illness, and she felt like she'd been run over by a monster. Spiderwillow was out of camp, gathering more catmint. The cats seemed to be getting better, so it was a precaution.
As she breathed in fresh air, Berrypaw realized just how exhausted she felt. She padded back inside and curled up in her nest. I'll just take a small nap. Just for a moment, she thought, closing her eyes…
"Russetfeather?"
"Berrypaw."
They touched noses.
"Have you asked? About being reborn?" Berrypaw meowed. "I need you more than ever."
Russetfeather lowered his head, not meeting her eyes. "I…I tried, Berrypaw, but…they said there's no way."
Berrypaw shook her head. "There has to be some way! I just know I can think of something, if I put my mind to it—"
"I'm going stop meeting you."
"What?" She felt a jolt in her gut.
"You need to focus more on real life." His voice was pained, and he wouldn't look at her. "We can't be together. We both know that."
"No! You—you can't leave! I need you!"
But she was jerked out of the dream by Spiderwillow's voice.
"Berrypaw! Get up, NOW!"
"Wh-wha?" She mumbled, blinking her eyes open, her heart aching, burning, hurting. She needed to go back and talk to Russetfeather, she needed—
"Stonepaw's dead." Spiderwillow's voice was somehow both heavy with sorrow and sharp with anger.
Berrypaw's stomach lurched. "No…but…he was getting better."
"Apparently it just looked that way," Spiderwillow snapped. "Weren't you treating him?"
Berrypaw heard the accusation in her mentor's tone and felt sick. "Yes, but—but I—"
Spiderwillow turned away with a lash of her tail. "Don't waste your breath, Berrypaw," she hissed darkly.
Berrypaw's eyes stung, and her throat felt clogged. Her whole body was shaking. She turned and ran, fleeing the den, fleeing the camp. As she ran, raindrops began to fall, pelting her, sliding down her fur, soaking her, chilling he to the bone. She turned her face to the sky and blinked the rain out of her eyes.
"Why?" she screamed. "Why? StarClan, why?"
There was no answer.
"Russetfeather, please! I need you!"
She stopped running and curled into a ball, her stomach churning, sobbing. "Please," she whispered.
But there was still no answer.
Everything had fallen apart. Her family was broken. And StarClan had abandoned her.
For moons, Berrypaw lived in darkness, loneliness, cold emptiness. Every night she rushed to sleep, hoping to dream of Russetfeather. But he never came. When she closed her eyes, she could picture his green eyes, so sad, begging her to understand.
"You need to focus more on real life."
She heard his voice, saying it, over and over.
But you are my life! she'd scream in her head. I can't live without you!
He never answered, of course. Because he wasn't really there.
She helped Spiderwillow nurse all the cats back to health. She even taught Songkit which herbs were which (he'd made a miraculous recovery, and wanted to help out). He remembered them all easily.
Spiderwillow didn't speak to Berrypaw much. She was tense and curt, and focused on healing the cats. Berrypaw felt as though she were getting sick herself—but not with Greencough.
One evening, after the others had gone to sleep, she sat in her nest, weak and empty.
Spiderwillow's voice kept floating into her mind, telling her what to use an herb for, reminding her a million times. Berrypaw wanted to scream at her to go away. She didn't care about those things anymore. Darkflame had been wrong. She wasn't meant for this path. But she stopped, and she listened to her mentor's voice.
…Only when a cat is in great pain and suffering…
She closed her eyes, for a moment and then stood up, swallowing hard. She began to pad slowly and deliberately toward the herb stores. She needed Russetfeather. She couldn't bear to live without of him. It hurt too much. But Russetfeather was right. They couldn't be together. They were separated by life, by death. But she could fix that.
If Russetfeather can't come to me, she thought, then I'll go to him.
Spiderwillow awoke the next morning to the chirping of birds, and no coughing. She quietly purred. The cats were finally well enough to leave the den.
I never could've saved so many without Berrypaw, Spiderwillow thought. She began to feel a peculiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She shook it off as she stood and stretched her paws. I need to apologize to Berrypaw. I shouldn't have snapped all those days ago. Stonepaw's death wasn't her fault. Guilt, she decided. That was all she was feeling.
"Berrypaw?" she meowed, looking around toward the herb stores.
And that was when she saw the apprentice, smears of red in her fluffy white fur, her face buried in the nearly-empty store of death berries.