The Perfect Parents

Age: Three Weeks

"You're doing everything wrong."

This single thought rang through Splinter's head as he hid inside a dumpster. Why you ask?

Because of them.

While Splinter was busy hiding amongst trash and compost, a young couple was walking down the street pushing a twin baby stroller. The two held hands, leaning lovingly against each other as their two adorable children in matching baby jumpers slept peacefully, looking clean, well fed, and like they had not a care in the world.

Ooooooooh, how Splinter hated them. The parents, not the children.

As soon as they were out of sight Splinter slowly slipped out of the dumpster, his already dirty robes now an extra shade more dirty.

Not that he cared, mind you. He had been living in the sewers for three weeks now so he had quickly gotten used to filth, and if that weren't enough he was also going on three weeks of sleep deprivation. Combine that with the exhaustion of being a brand spanking new single dad with four crying children at home, each of whom needed an average of seven feedings a day and had to be changed every two hours, and you got a level of apathy so high that not even an invasion of pink aliens from another dimension could break through it.

Splinter stretched, his spine cracking in a most satisfying fashion before he reached back into the dumpster and grabbed his grocery bags. Scavenging was proving much more difficult than he had originally thought. Baby formula was ultra-rare to find in the dumpsters, milk in general was pretty difficult, and even the worms that he crushed up to mix with his patented turtle baby formula were occasionally hard to get to.

But now was not the time to focus on what he didn't have. He had enough to last him a couple days, and that's what counted. He slung his bags over one arm as he quickly used the other to lift up a nearby manhole cover. He'd say he was looking forward to getting home and getting a full night's sleep…

But the thought was so hilariously absurd that he could never quite get the words out.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Splinter slowly trudged through the turnstiles of his sewer home, the bags heavy on his shoulders as the sound of four crying babies rang through the air.

He quickly sat the bags down next to his coolers, and started making his preparations.

Step 1: Start a fire for heating the baby formula.

Step 2: Grab an already premade bottle to take to whoever was hungry.

Step 3: Grab at least four ratty T-shirts for anyone who needed a clean-ish diaper.

Step 4: Remind self that a true ninja must be able to go weeks without sleep if necessary.

Step 5: Actually go check on babies.

After completing steps 1 through 4 in the allotted amount of time (52 seconds if anyone was wondering), Splinter finally made it into the nursery.

Standing in the doorway Splinter glanced over his children and used his keen ninja skills of observation to determine who needed what.

Leonardo needed feeding.

Raphael needed changing.

Donatello definitely needed changing.

And Michelangelo needed both feeding and, based on past trends, probably wanted to be held for a period of time no less than the exact amount of time it would take for Splinter to develop a crick in his neck.

As Splinter donned his homemade baby sling for Michelangelo he had to ask himself: How did they do it? How did that couple he saw today do it? How did they go about looking so perfect with their perfectly clean children and their perfectly unbaggy eyes and their perfect clothes that weren't covered in dumpster sludge?

Splinter paused for a second and looked down at his slime covered exterior. In his frenzy to get to his children he had skipped a very important step.

Step 1.5: Change clothes so you don't contaminate your children with the filth of a dozen New York dumpsters.

Taking off the baby sling as quickly as possible, Splinter fled from the room to change into a new robe and wash any exposed flesh that might have come into contact with garbage. Which was most of him.

After changing robes he quickly made his way to the large pool of clean water that existed right on the edge of his "living room" and started washing his hands and face. One day he hoped to have a proper bathroom to wash up in instead of just using the conveniently located pocket of water, but for now he counted his blessings that he had a source of clean water at all.

As he scrubbed making extra sure that nothing from the dumpster clung to him he still pondered the secrets of those perfect parents.

If only Shen were here, she could probably have told him in a heartbeat. She was always so good at these things, and always seemed to know exactly what to do whenever Miwa got upset.

As Splinter dried off he wished he could do like they did in ancient Japan and just take their precious parenting secrets. After all, history was full of battles that had been won thanks to brave and cunning ninjas sneaking across enemy lines and stealing their—

Splinter stopped…

Why couldn't he?

Why couldn't he just take their perfect parenting secrets? He was a ninja after all. Granted he wouldn't be infiltrating an enemy stronghold, but if he did a little recon—

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

A fresh round of cries rang through the air reminding him that he was in the middle of something. Splinter quickly hurried off to tend to his children as a somewhat desperate plan brewed in his mind.

The moon shone down as Splinter silently crouched behind a dumpster. Not just any dumpster, mind you, but the exact same dumpster he had hidden inside just a single day earlier.

Normally if he was on the surface it was to gather supplies, but tonight was different. Tonight he was on a mission.

This mission consisted of four steps.

Step 1: Find those Perfect Parents.

Step 2: Watch them to learn their secrets.

Step 3: Apply said secrets.

Step 4: Become the ultimate dad.

Though the plan mostly made sense in his mind, there was a small part of Splinter that realized that this entire mission was a combination of desperation and extreme sleep deprivation. Still, if it meant being a better parent he was more than willing to put up with some slight awkwardness at going around and looking in people's windows.

As Splinter sat behind the dumpster slowly common sense began seeping into his brain. What was he thinking? Just because they walked by here last night didn't mean they'd do it again tonight.

Could it be that the stress was getting to him? That he had gone completely off the rails in the pursuit of some parental secret that may not even exist? That this entire thing was just some completely crazy—

Splinter stiffened as the perfect parents and their perfectly clothed twins walked down the sidewalk in front of him.

Common Sense: 0

Mad Desperation: 1

As they passed by the end of his alley Splinter quickly shot up a nearby fire escape and onto the roof of the building, his eyes never leaving the perfect looking couple.

After about thirty minutes of being a total creeper and following their every move, Splinter finally watched as they entered their apartment building.

He quickly leapt the last few remaining rooftops before jumping on the building's fire escape.

Step 1 was complete. He had found the building where these perfect parents lived. Now he just needed to find the window to their apartment and it was on to Step 2.

As Splinter scaled the building his new rat nose picked up a very familiar scent.

Baby powder.

He quickly followed his nose to the source of the smell and glanced in the window.

Inside an extremely tired looking couple worked in tandem trying to change a baby's diaper…or at least he thought that was what they were doing.

As the half-asleep looking dad removed the diaper the half-asleep looking mom started applying baby powder the box of baby wipes next to the actual baby.

The mom held out a new diaper to the dad, who grabbed it without looking and slowly proceeded to apply it to the exact same box of baby wipes.

The mom then picked up the baby wipes and the two exhausted parents slowly trudged out of the room leaving the actual baby behind.

Splinter stared dumbfounded for a good ten seconds before the parents came trudging back in and proceeded to diaper the actual baby.

Splinter glanced away from the window. He may be sleep deprived, but he had yet to reach quite that level. I mean, sure, he'd once accidentally grabbed a baby bottle instead of his morning tea and chugged a full three ounces of milk and worms before realizing it, but—

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!"

The sound of a crying baby reached Splinter's keen ears.

He scaled a little further up the building before looking inside a new window.

Inside he watched as a father wearing an apron paced angrily around the room with a phone in his hand while a baby cried beside him.

"What do you mean you won't be home tonight?...I know how important the negotiations are, but it's hard here too! I have been looking after our baby for three days straight with no break and I need HELP!"

Splinter cringed as he watched the poor parent have a mini-mental breakdown.

He quickly looked away to give the frazzled father some privacy, but as he thought about the poor, haggard man he had seen inside the apartment he had to admit he felt…better after seeing that he wasn't the only dad struggling to take care of his children.

Still, he had to complete his mission.

Splinter quickly moved along the fire escape peering into window after window as he search for his quarry.

He had just about given up hope when he finally saw them. The perfect pair of parents pushing the stroller into a…surprisingly messy apartment.

"Mrs. Shapero!" called the female of the two.

Splinter quirked an eyebrow as a haggard yet smiling woman made her way into the living room.

"How'd they behave?" asked Mrs. Shapero.

"Wonderfully." said the female. "How'd you enjoy your nap?"

"It was beautiful. The time you two spend babysitting is the only time I can count on a full three hours sleep."

Splinter's jaw dropped. The perfect parents…weren't parents?

It all made sense now! No wonder they looked so clean and well rested. They were baby sitters!

Mrs. Shapero picked up the two babies, holding them lovingly in each arm.

"Thanks so much for letting us watch them." said the male of the couple.

"It's great practice for when we have one of our own." said the female.

"Any time." said Mrs. Shapero. "Having a new baby is one of the most exhausting things I've ever done in my entire life."

She looked down at her children with a smile. "And I wouldn't trade it for the world."

Splinter smiled as he slipped away from the window and began his stealthy decent down the fire escape.

It was silly of him to think there was some great secret to being a perfect parent. All parents had a hard time dealing with newborns no matter how skilled they were.

As Splinter made his way back towards his algae covered home he made a new plan.

Step 1: Make it home.

Step 2: Go to the nursery.

Step 3: Take care of whichever children needed to be changed, fed, or held.

And Step 4: Cherish every moment of it.

Author's Note: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Yes, I know it's a bit after New Year, but I still wanted to wish everyone the most awesome of New Years as we make our way towards the end of January. So far I've had an absolutely wonderful month and I hope you have too!

Chapter 15 is here, and I super hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think of this latest chapter. Thank you so hyper much for reading, and, as always, have a Hyper Happy Day! LOVE YOU GUYS~!