CHAPTER 20

I had just come out of my bedroom after changing, when the door opened and Ginny walked in and sat down on the sofa in front of the fire.

"Well, that was quick." I said sitting down beside her.

"Of course. How long did you think it would take me to changed out of my school robes?"

"Not long, but this was super quick." She smiled. I knew she didn't want to delay our conversation, lest I change my mind or find a way out of it.

"So, spill." I took a deep breath, wondering where to start, but it wasn't easy. I couldn't understand what to say first. All of it had been so gradual that now that I thought about it, I couldn't point out that single moment when things started. But then I remembered that first night when he came back drunk.

"You know that weekend, when you and Harry went on the trip?"

"Yeah."

"That was probably the first time things started changing, if I don't count those times when he fed me a sleeping potion."

"When you say changing, do you mean that was the first time?"

"No! No, that was... later. Just don't ask when, I am not saying that!"

"Come on Hermione." She said, pouting.

"You can keep bugging me forever Ginny, but I'm not telling you about it."

She sighed as if she was making a huge compromise on the matter. I just shook my head, smiling. At least, she was being her age, even after all that had happened, all that she had lost.

"So, coming back to the topic at hand, was that the time you started trusting him?" While she said it casually, I could tell that she was serious about it.

I turned to look at her sharply. I knew there was a certain amount of trust among us. We were sharing a bed, meals, our free time with each other, and we both had stopped being too cautious like we were at the starting of this. But to hear someone else say it was strange, specially the way Ginny said that I trusted him.

"What makes you think I trust him?" I really needed to know what made her think so. Was it because I had said something unconsciously? Or did it come across by my behaviour these days.

" I know you Hermione. I know you enough to understand that if you are smiling while thinking about him, if you are going on dates with him... and the fact that you have consummated gives me enough reason to believe that." So it was my behaviour. The first two reasons, I could understand and accept but not the last. That needed clarification.

"Ginny we had to consumate, whether today or tomorrow, so how does that make a difference?" Why was it such a big issue, I didn't understand. Though it was a big thing. That was the time when Malfoy had asked to give this relation, a try. But she didn't need to know that. That was between just the two of us.

"How far did you and Ron go?"

"Why... are you bringing that in?" I asked. What did my relation with her brother, have to do with our present topic.

She didn't answer immediately and that irritated me. After a few minutes, she turned around facing me with her back resting on the arm rest. I glanced at her once, showing that I was still waiting for her reply. When she still didn't answer, I too turned around to face her. I had known our talk would not be simple, but I hadn't expected her to analyse all my relations, even the one with her brother, because technically that was the only relation I had been in apart from this.

"Ginny-"

"I wonder why you don't know the answer to it already?" She was still staring at me, like it was an obvious puzzle that I had missed and that further irritated me. She was talking in puzzles and expecting me to be on the same wavelength.

"You've known each other for seven years Hermione." She started when I didn't reply to her question. I didn't think that she needed me to answer that. "You, Ron and Harry, the three of you have always stood together, fought together. You trust them with your life, but you never could form a physical relationship with Ron." When I went to object, she just held up a finger. "But there is someone else, one you have never seen eye to eye, who has humiliated you on more than one occassion and yet today you defend him in front of your friends. You think I didn't notice that you didn't want to speak about him when you came down to Grimmauld Place that Saturday, but I did. I noticed how you avoided his topic the entire day. Then a week later, you are walking around thinking about him. I know for a fact that if you didn't trust him even a little, you wouldn't be like this with him. What I would like to know is, what did he do to gain that trust."

"My relation with Ron is different Ginny. If you trust someone with your life, doesn't mean you are ready to have a relationship with them. If that's the case, then you should also mention Harry, because I trust him with my life too, like you said yourself. Ron and me... Our friendship is different, just the way my friendship with Harry is different. As for my trust in Malfoy, I don't know how far I truly do it. Yes, his behavior towards me has been different. We sit together, have our meals, I do my school work while he reads, we share a bed. But that's it. Yes, I was avoiding the topic that day because things were still strained between us back then. But they are different now Ginny. We... we both are trying to make do with what we have ended up with."

Ginny kept staring at me. It was obvious from her face that whatever she thought, she hadn't said all of it yet, neither did she seem convinced of my words. I decided to wait and hear her out.

Finally she sat back. "Tell me something Hermione, what does he do. As in his work that you said he did."

"I don't know." I hadn't asked him about it, so all I knew was the fact that he and Blaise Zabini were in it together. He had never mentioned it in front of me personally, so I never got the oppurtunity to ask him about it.

"Alright, why didn't he marry a pureblood? We thought about it the first time you received the letter from the Ministry, but we never got an answer."

"I don't know. I haven't asked him about it." Yes, we all had wondered that, I still did. But we hadn't talk about it. We never talked about anything for that matter. We sat together doing our work, or simply sat in silence. We never questioned each other about anything.

"Why does he live separately in a cottage. If he had to move out, then why not away from the Manor grounds, why live so close but not in the Manor?"

I sighed. "I don't know Ginny. I... I never asked."

"Exactly Hermione, why didn't you ask? You are not someone to jump headlong into a situation and not question every aspect of it beforehand. You try finding out about everything before a situation even arises. You question, and question again until you find a satisfactory answer. So why not now?"

She had a point. I turned around to face the fireplace, letting my head fall back and closed my eyes. She was making me face all the questions which I had, surprisingly, swept under the rug. That was not my usual self, but I had done that. Malfoy had raised so many conflicting questions and emotions in me, that finally when we had found some kind of balance, if that could be called so, I had, for the first time in my life, felt reluctant to break that small amount of peace among us. I felt a hand close around mine.

"I like seeing you smile, but I keep thinking how long it's going to last. Every morning when I walk to the school, I pray that it not be the day when he does something and hurt you. If you really find a balance with him, and it's a very big if, I want that nothing should be able to move it. It won't be easy getting there, maybe it will take years but don't build it on silence and ignorance about him."

I kept staring at the fire crackling while listening to her, thinking about the things she had forced me to face and consider. The more I thought about it, I realised that I was glad about one thing, that I had talked to Ginny. No, that Ginny had forced me to talk to her. I felt so relieved that someone was aware of my budding relation with Malfoy and was standing with me. All of us, we had numerous reasons to dislike him and that was one reason why I hadn't wanted to share things, because their dislike would always result in biased opinions. But having Ginny beside me, tell me that she supported me in whatever decision I came to, was a huge relief. Not only because that was one person who would try to listen and understand my point of view in all of this, but also for the fact that she could hold her own in front of Harry and Ron. And because she was a part of the Weasley family, who had every reason to hate him.

"Thank you." I said squeezing her hand back. I hadn't known that talking to her would give me such relief.

"For what?"

I shrugged. I didn't think that I needed to elaborate, she would know.

"Anytime. Now, do you want to do the essay on Charms?"

"Is that even supposed to be a question?" I asked, finally finding my smile.

I guess I had just fallen asleep, when it was broken by some movement beside me on the bed. It had taken long to finish our homework and had left us really tired.

I turned around to find Malfoy slipping under the covers. It was quiet late and I was surprised to find him here. I had thought he would have stayed back at the Cottage and not come here at this hour.

"I just got back from work. Did I wake you?" He asked, getting comfortable when he realised I was looking at him.

"No, I just... I was about to fall asleep."

"Okay, good night." And with that, he turned towards the other side. I lay there, staring at the back of his head, thinking if this was a good time to bombard him with questions. I knew I couldn't possibly ask all of them. If I wanted proper answers, I would have to look out for those times when he would be more amenable. If he had wanted to tell me about himself, he would have started talking without my prompting. So, considering he hadn't done that, I knew I would have to drag those answers out of him and he would only answer if he felt like answering.

I turned on my side to face him properly, wondering if he had fallen asleep while I was still deciding if this was the right time. Finally I decided to ask it out. If he answered, that would be nice. If not, then I would find a time to ask him again. We didn't have any option of running away from each other anyway, did we?

"Malfoy?" I kept my voice low, trying not to startle him, or let him be suspicious and also to check if he had already fallen asleep.

"Hmm." He already seemed to be moving towards the dreamland. Maybe it wasn't the right time and I could postpone it till the morning. Or maybe it was good. If he was sleepy, I hoped he would be less cautious.

"Can I ask you something?" I tried.

"Hmm." So far, so good.

"You said you work, right?"

"Hmm." Was he going to answer all my questions like that?

"What... kind of work do you do?" For a second I thought he would answer again with a 'hmm', but when no answer came for sometime, I thought that maybe he had finally drifted off. I was just about to let it go and turn around when I saw his head turn a little.

"Are you still waiting for an answer?"

What kind of question was that? Of course I was, if I had asked a question, it was obviously with the intention of finding the answer to. I wanted to snap back, but decided against it. Being rude was not going to help. If I wanted to deal with him, the first thing that I would require was patience. So I answered with all the patience I could gather at that point. "Yes."

He slowly turned to stare at the ceiling. "What makes you ask that all of a sudden? Is Potter afraid that I'm up to something again?"

I couldn't detect anything from his voice apart from drowsiness.

"It has nothing to do with Harry. I keep hearing you and Dippy refer to work and just wanted to know about it. If you don't want to say, that's up to you. I know I can't force you." If he wasn't in a mood to talk, then I was not going to waste my time on it. "Good night." I said, turning around and snuggling deeper under the covers. I was on the brink of falling asleep again, when he spoke next.

"I'm trying to make and sell potions. Not like an apothecary, but potions that people will need now, specially after the war. I know of a few that Professor Snape brewed on a regular basis last year."

Potions? That too ones that required a certain amount of knowledge and skill, not to mention expensive and rare ingredients. Moreover, he didn't have a degree of being a Potioneer or a Potions Master to brew and sell these products. Why would he venture into something that, he should be aware of, is not possible. Then again, I had heard that the Malfoy's had a lot of investments in a lot of areas, so money shouldn't be a problem either. They were among the elite of the purebloods.

"Why potions?" I asked, again turning around to face him.

"Why the inquisition?"

"Why don't you want to answer a simple question?" I was starting to lose my patience. After talking to Ginny, I was ready to step away from the comfortable routine that we followed, to try and know about him. But if he returned to his old self every time I asked him something, then we would never be able to move ahead. Years down the line, we'd still be stuck exactly in the same place as we were at present. And if he was so against answering why didn't he just say he didn't want to answer.

"Look, you said you work, so I just wanted to know about it. We are married and I don 't even know what you do. Is it so wrong to ask? It's not like you need the money from this. So why bother trying something that even you should know, is going to be difficult to establish."

"No, I don't need the money, but I need the name."

Is that what he was trying to do? Build up a name for the Malfoys again. That would make sense, but why would he have to work for that? It was a strange concept to think of him working. More surprising was the fact that he was relying on potions for that. The part that he was good in the subject, was not what I was thinking about. What had got my attention, was he was trying it in a field which was easily monitored and handled by the Ministry. I didn't think the Ministry would so easily let him acquire rare potions ingredients. Me and Harry may have kept him out of Azkaban, but a lot of the members of the Wizengamot hadn't done so with ease. It was our word that they had relied on. So permiting him to enter this field, was not going to be that simple.

"Why potions?" I asked again.

He shrugged. "The Ministry needs it, St. Mungo's needs it."

"Yes, they need it. But you need the ingredients and that is strictly supervised by the Ministry at present. Moreover, you need a letter of recommendation from a Potion Master before the Ministry allows you to brew them."

"Why do you think I'm gone for so long everyday." That's what he did, go to a Potion Master?

"You go to a Potion Master?" He gave a humourless laugh to that question.

"Like any Potion Master would give me, an ex-Death Eater a letter of recommendation." It was the first time I had heard such self loathing sentence from him. It was then that I realised why he was avoiding the question. It was a failure and talking about it to me meant acknowledging it in front of me. And that was a blow to the minimum amount of pride that he was holding on to. He may have acknowledged that he didn't know which part of his initial upbringing was true and which was not, but that was different. That was about what had been imparted to him, it wasn't his own self that had been lacking. But in accepting this, it showed that he was considered lesser to others, even if he did have the talent. It was his own wrong judgement that had led him here. But I wasn't about to give up this time just because his pride was hurting. I wanted to know, and I wanted to know all of it.

"Have you approached any Potions Master?" If he was saying this just by assumption, then he was a fool.

"Yes. I wrote a letter to Slughorn once." That was a good choice and Slughorn knew him as well.

"What happened?"

"It came back, unopened."

"He didn't accept your letter." Slughorn's reluctance was probably natural. He had divulged the information about the horcrux to Voldemort. So when someone like Malfoy was approaching him, it was obvious that he did not wish to respond or associate with someone who had been a part of the dark side. So that meant being known was not so good in that case.

"Maybe. Or maybe he just screens my mails."

"What about the Ministry?"

"Do you have to ask that Granger?"

No, I didn't because I knew the Ministry would not give him this opportunity and for a lot of reasons. His name was the foremost, not to mention that his association with the dark would leave a very big doubt in the minds of most. Potions like the ones he was trying, required a lot of things that were rare and could easily be used to create banned or restricted potions. The Ministry would never allow him access to such things so soon after he was acquitted.

"Are you done with your questions?" His answers weren't what I was forced to focus on, it was the blank stare that was directed at the ceiling during our conversation. It had been sometime that I had seen him so emotionless. In these few weeks, he had been expressive, but seeing him like this made me realise how much he had been expressing lately. He didn't talk much, didn't laugh much, didn't react much, but the amount that he did showed that he was, to some extent, comfortable in my presence. Something must have happened or was it my questions that had forced him to pull up his walls once again? Whatever it was, I didn't think this was the right time to keep asking him and expecting him to answer. But there was one thing that I needed to know.

"One last question, why the name?" I didn't expect him to turn towards me, nor did I expect that blank eyes to be directed at me either. But when it did, I realised that he was probably using occlumency.

"Do you want the child that has to come, to be scorned just because he or she is a Malfoy?" I hadn't expected him to answer in that respect. Frankly, in all the inner turmoil, I hadn't even thought a single thing about the child. I had been so focused on my feelings, his reactions and our small growth, that everything concerning the child had left my mind. His concern was logical since the Malfoy name was not at the helm of everything good.

"The child will be a part of me too."

"Yes, but he or she will have my name. And though you will be the mother, they will be associated with every thing the name Malfoy carrries." True, the child would be known as a Malfoy. So, even if people knew that it was a part of me, they would always think first of him because of the name and judge the child because of it.

"Good night Granger." And with that he turned to the other side. I lay there, staring at the back of his head. I kept thinking of what ha had said. I had started this conversation with the intention of finding out about his work. I hadn't expected to get a glimpse into the reason. For someone, who had always come off as being selfish, this was surprising. I liked that he was thinking about things that far, but he had really left me stunned.

I turned on my back, staring at the ceiling thinking why was it that I was missing so many important things. Why hadn't the same thought crossed my mind? He was dealing with the Ministry to set up something when he knew that the chances of getting permission was almost nil. We may have kept him out of imprisonment, but he was still confined in his choices. And in the present scenario, it would be a very difficult task for him to prove himself. It was only marginally better than Azkaban. He wasn't jailed, that was it. I had thought that being free would mean he had a second chance at life. Today, being a part of his life, had made me see the truth. Just keeping him out was not giving him a second chance. On the contrary, this was probably more frustrating. He could try, but he would always fail because there were people who would never allow him to succeed. This was not what I had in mind when I had spoken at his trial. When I said he deserved a second chance, I had meant it and I would see to it that he got that chance.

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