So...I know you guys were expecting a chapter here but not today...

I feel my lack of writing for both electric love and never too late deserved an explanation so here we go...

I have been going through some life altering shit of late and it's just about destroyed everything I thought my life was. I am a straight engaged woman who has been lying to herself for a long time.

I had been forcing my relationship to work for about four years and my fiancé and I have been together for nearly seven. He claimed he was never ready to get married but I pushed and pushed and pushed until one day he proposed, two days before our six year anniversary and I thought things were getting...better. I thought we were finally happy...I was wrong.

Right off the bat at twenty years of age I laid everything on the table and told him what I wanted and timeline because that's me; always knowing what she wanted, honest with herself (or so I thought). I wanted a career (in what, I didn't know), I wanted to be engaged and married by twenty five, a house and kids by thirty (I always saw myself as a mother, something that I could actually excel at)...I'm on the verge of twenty eight and my life has taken an unexpected turn.

I woke up this year...different. Like everything I knew was a a fallacy; a flaw of my own making; an error in judgement and a fatal mistake in logic...my logic...and that's saying something because that is what I am...logical. I am calculating and I'm a thinker; I think way too much and mull over things that I shouldn't or down right don't need to.

I did this to myself. I ignored the signs...other rather avoided them, because why? I really don't know. Was it because I was afraid? Probably. Was it because I was ashamed? I don't think so. Was it because I never thought I could be happy? Most undeniably true.

I am not a happy person, never have been. I have been working through my insecurities and dealing with work-related stress, depression, anxiety and the ups and downs of my negative relationship. I know he loves me, but I think he is settling for me, just as I have settled for him. It was easy to, even though everyday was not filled with love and passion. In fact I don't think there is any passion at all, and never has been.

We met at a time where we were both broken and we fixed each other. Things were great for about two years and then he stopped trying. I had to be the one to put in all of the effort. I had to be the adult in the relationship; the breadwinner, the mother, the 'wife'...I had to do it all. I tried to point this out numerous times. I tried as many tactics as I had in my emotional toolbelt (and believe me with all my health issues and hormonal issues over the years it was one...emotional...array of tools); love, anger, hate, lust, passion (or perceived passion), manipulation, hurt etc. I tried everything I could to get him to grow up, to love me in the way that I needed, wanted and deserved...but did it work? No. I drew me further apart from him.

After years of trying, hurting and being humiliated by myself, I stopped caring and that is a big thing for me because whenever anyone looks at me the first thing they see is that I care...about everything else but...me. That is a fatal flaw in my own logic, my own creation. I used to think that if I started caring for myself that would be selfish, so I didn't. Depression, anxiety and medication made things worse...I didn't feel and I didn't want to; it was too hard. I didn't cry for six years leading up to when I met him; heck I didn't even cry or grieve when my grandfather died...what kind of a person doesn't do that?

I stopped caring about everyone else on the First of January this year and finally started to 'see' myself; be myself. The person I was so afraid of showing to the world started to come out of her shell, started to come alive. I am intelligent. I have pretty green eyes, nice hair, straight teeth. I am a nerd; I love to read. I watch movies and TV series. I am passionate about cooking and things I enjoy. But I am not loved, not really. Not the way I want to be loved...and funnily enough Naomily showed me that.

When I discovered writing, it put things into perspective. It made me more confident in myself. It made me realise that maybe I am not as 'straight' as I appear. I started reaching out to other writers to try and understand myself and what I was going through. I started writing from the depths of my heart and my mind. I started to understand my life was far from perfect and that I was lying to myself.

It got to the point where last night I finally understood what I needed to do and as hard as it was, deep down I know it was the right thing...I told my boyfriend and finance that I may not be 100% straight and that I may no longer be in love with him. I mean I do love him, but really, I don't think he loves me...not in the way he should and the way I deserve. I don't think I like girls...I think I like 'people' like the actual person inside them. I'm not superficial, I don't just 'see' the exterior of a person and judge them; I see the person inside them. I see their heart and ambitions. If they write, I can see what kind of person they are with how they string words on a page. If they talk, I can hear what type of person they are with how they speak, the words they use and ultimately their body language. If they like music, movies, singing...and so on and so forth...because these things people are passionate about and I crave passion and I seek to expose it, because it does not exist in my world...not really.

That's it for now, I really must go to work, because I cannot avoid that and have no 'sick days' left at present. I need the distraction.

I will update my chapters, that I promise. Writing has become a HUGE part of my life but right now, I can't write.

Hopefully soon

Thanks for listening

dietcokeandlime