Chapter 5 - Convincing Carter
In his office, Carter was busy writing a few bills. He then turned around and flipped off the window washer.
"Mr. Pewterschmidt," his secretary began through the intercom, "there's a man here who says he's the guy whose picture is on all the money."
"Holy cow," Carter replied, excited. "Send him in." He then got a few bills together, but his excitement gave way to anger when he saw his son-in-law in front of him. "Griffin?!"
"That's right," Peter replied, also angry, "and this is my own People magazine from home and not from your waiting room just now. And why did you cancel the Christmas Carnival?!"
"Because I hate Christmas," Carter replied. "You know what it's like being rich at Christmas, Griffin? Everyone expects an expensive present, and I get nothing." He stopped short and noticed Peter doing something. "Did you did you just have your hand in my fish tank?"
Peter's hand held a small treasure chest decoration that was obviously inside said fish tank. "No," he replied. "Geeze, Carter," he continued, putting the chest back inside the tank, "you sound like a real Ebenezer Scoob right now. You know what? I am gonna help you find the Christmas spirit so you bring back the carnival."
"Look, are we done here?" Carter crossed his arms.
"Um, yeah, uh, just one more thing. Can I choose one thing in your office to take home with me?"
"No."
"Aw, too bad. 'Cause I was gonna choose you." Peter pointed at Carter on this.
"You're weird," Carter regarded. "You're a weird guy."
Author's Note: The "Ebenezer Scoob" comment is from the animatic version the original episode. Most content from this chapter are. Anyway, back to the story.
The next morning, inside the living room, Peter was having a hard time putting his coat on.
"No," Peter pushed away as Lois tried to zip the coat. "No, no. No! I wanna zip it."
Peter tried hard to zip it until he gave up.
"It's okay, Peter," Lois said, zipping the coat for him. "You're good at other stuff."
Vinny, sitting on the couch, watched the whole thing.
"So, you're gonna help your old man find his Christmas spirit again, huh?" he guessed. "Oh, yeah, that sounds real bad, her father don't like Christmas. My father was drowned to death in a birdbath by an officer of the law. His will just said 'Kick Jimmy in the sack for me. Go, Eagles.'"
"My sympathies, Vinny," Lois shared.
"Don't worry about it," Vinny replied, crossing his arms, "he was a scumbag."
"Anyway," Lois continued, to Peter, "I know Stewie was disappointed, but he's a happy, resilient baby."
Happy and resilient? These two don't even realize that he's causing havoc outside.
"I don't know, Lois," Peter replied, unsure. "I feel like if we don't do something, Stewie's first words are gonna be, 'Why did you kill Christmas?' And I want the carnival back, too. You know, I know I'm usually all business, but deep down, you know what the thing is that keeps me going more than anything else? Wonder. A sense of wonder."
"Well," Lois replied, "you have your work cut out for you, Peter. My father's always hated Christmas. He was even hired by the Grinch."
Cutaway: We see Carter inside the Grinch's office after having applied for a job.
"How do you feel about the Whos down in Whoville?" the Grinch asked.
"'Who' cares?" Carter answered, not giving a damn about them.
The two gave a laugh about this.
"Welcome aboard," the Grinch offered a handshake.
After Carter shook the Grinch's hand, he gave a grimmacing grin similar to the Grinch's. This caught the Grinch off guard.
"If, uh, if you can't tell, I'm pleased," Carter said. "So, uh, what do we do now?"
"Well," the Grinch began, "it's only July, So, until the end of the Summer, we just do jet ski rentals."
Author's Note: The cutaway is also available on the Season 12 DVD as a Deleted Scene for the actual episode.
Later that day, Peter and Carter were in the kitchen. There was a piece of paper on the table.
"All right, Carter," Peter began, "now, you know what's guaranteed to put you in the holiday mood? Write a Christmas letter to all your friends and relatives." He handed Carter the paper, which was a letter. "And keep in mind, it's traditional to embellish a little bit to make yourself look better."
"'Peter had a great year,'" Carter read aloud, "'and is now starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars.' What? People can easily fact-check this."
"Yeah," Peter agreed, "who has the time. Keep reading."
"'Chris refurbished a vintage motorcycle, and Stewie can slam-dunk a basketball from a standing start,'" Carter continued, still reading. "Peter, that's impossible."
"Read what it says about you."
Carter continued, still reading, "'Lois's father, Carter Pewterschmidt, bought a small stool for his balls.' Dammit, I'm not proud of that!"
"Well, you have to throw in some real facts," Peter suggested. "That's what gives the newsletter credibility."
Inside a hotel room, Peter held a carton of eggnog next to Carter.
"Now, everyone knows the best way to get the Christmas spirit is to drink a whole lot of thick, frothy eggnog. So get going.
"I don't like eggnog," Carter pushed away.
"Drink the nog, Carter," Peter ordered, seriously.
Carter sterted to get scared. "I don't," he gulped, "I don't want to."
"Take it, Carter," that time, Peter put the carton nozzle on Carter's mouth." Take all the nog." Carter coughed as Peter kept forcing him to drink it. "Yeah, you like that nog, don't you?"
"No," Carter gurgled.
"Yeah, you like that nog. Don't spit the nog out. You're a nog whore." Peter then took out his video camera. "Now look at the camera for a POV shot." Carter did so. "Say thank you with the nog in your mouth."
"Thank you," Carter muffled.
"Louder!"
"Thank you," Carter repeated.
"Good, now go down to the hotel lobby and check out with nog all over your face."
"All right." Carter then got up. "You know, I still don't like Christmas, but I kind of like what we just did."
Back at the house, Peter and Carter were in the hallway, with the bathroom door open.
"Okay, Carter," Peter began, "a big part of Christmas is masturbating like you would any other day but feeling guilty about it because it's Christmas."
With that, Peter went into the bathroom doing 'who knows what'. A few seconds passed, and Peter came out disappointed.
"Ugh, what's wrong with me?"
"Griffin, this isn't working," Carter regarded.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I'm not getting the holiday spirit, so you can stop trying."
"What about Stewie?" Peter shrugged. "The doctors say he may not have too many Christmases left."
"He's not dying, is he?"
"He might be!"
"Is that what the doctors say?!" Carter feared.
"I've never taken him to a doctor," Peter calmed, faking it.
Admitting defeat, Peter started to walk away.
"Where are you going?" Carter asked.
"Well, if all else fails," Peter began, "The truly great thing about Christmas is that at any moment, you can slip out back and smoke weed. And when you come back in, everyone'll just think you're in the Christmas spirit."
"Let's just do that!"
Later, both Peter and Carter were getting baked, like "screw a guy" baked, on the couch, after doing cannabis. Chris couldn't help but look at his father and grandfather in that manner, confused.
"Are you okay, Dad?" Chris asked.
"Ah, yeah," Peter replied. "I... I am ******* great, Chris." Turning to Carter, he continued, "You know, we sh... we should start a...internet business, that...that does stuff."
"Yeah," Carter agreed. "You... You know, it's gotta sound fast. Like 'zoom'."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or 'zip'. Or 'zip'. Say that."
"'Zip'."
"'Zoom-zip'. 'Z...' No. 'Zip-zoom.'"
"Oh, I'm in!"
"Can we have the Christmas Carnival back?" Chris asked.
"Sure," Carter replied. "What do we care? W...We're internet millionaires." Carter then realized something. "Wait, w-wait. Wh...what were we talking about before the Carnival?"
"'Before the Carnival,'" Peter repeated. "Th...That's our one-act play."
"Oh, get that down."
"I don't have to write it down," Peter replied. "We're not gonna forget that."
Authror's Note: The "screw a guy" comment I made is based on Firewater's quote from the film Sausage Party. Still, I wouldn't advise kids see that film, not even my sister's kids, even though it is animated. That does it for this chapter. Next time, we'll get back to originality. I must admit that smoking weed is a better idea than convincing a boss to think that people are saying that he's Jewish.