Chapter 3: Inching Closer
"Mom and Grandma are the best listeners that I know."
Jamie made a show of focusing on the unfamiliar task of starting the coffeemaker, while he considered how he could best help his new stepfather.
"I used to talk to them about everything, but I'm older now…and there are just some things that a guy doesn't want to talk about with his mom. A while back, I kinda let that slip to her," he confided, turning around to look at Lee.
"I guess that wasn't easy for her to hear."
The spent agent sat up straighter in his chair, as his concern about his family eclipsed the grim thoughts that had been plaguing him. He turned his full attention to the boy whose growth he'd been following with increasing interest since his fateful meeting with his mother.
"She wasn't happy," the youth conceded ruefully. "She took it okay though, and suggested that I talk to Phillip or Dad about whatever was bothering me. I must have rolled my eyes or something because she laughed, and admitted that maybe turning to Phillip wasn't such a good idea."
"It's good that you've got your dad to reach out to." I really hope that he'll come to me sometimes, but Joe is his father, and a good man. I won't say anything against him even though I don't understand how he could walk away from his family for so many years. "I guess you felt better after you talked to him."
"I didn't," he replied, as he brought his cereal bowl to the table and sat down.
"You didn't feel better?" I hope the coffee is ready soon; I must be more tired than I thought. Didn't he bring up this line of conversation in order to convince me that talking things out always helps?
"I didn't talk to Dad," the adolescent clarified.
Knowing that he had Lee's full attention, he scooped up a spoonful of cereal and left his companion to wait for him to elaborate.
"I love Dad," he continued with his head bent over the bowl, "and I like to spend time with him." He slowly looked up and across the table to find a pair of hazel eyes focused on him. "But he doesn't really know me…I think when he looks at me he doesn't see me, he sees him."
"Him?" Oh, good grief, if he's going to start rambling like his mom, I'm not sure that I'm in any shape to keep up.
"Sorry, I guess I'm not making sense to you…let me get your coffee, and try to explain myself better. I think that when Dad looks at us, Phillip and me, he sees the very small boys that he left behind, not literally, but he doesn't want to face up to how much of our lives he missed out on. I doubt that Phillip even notices, and he doesn't generally see things the way that I do. Sheesh, he's practically staring at me. Maybe, I've said too much, we're still getting to know each other and I don't usually let my guard down this much, but than neither does he and I really want to connect with him. "People who know both of us, only see me as the little brother, a Phillip wanna-be. That used to be accurate, I followed his lead and wanted to do whatever he was doing, but things have changed…I've changed. I don't have anything against Phillip, well not much anyway, but lately I've realized that I'm okay with just being Jamie."
"Hey, you should never think of yourself as being 'just Jamie'. I think that you're a great kid, and yes, you are very different than your brother, that's why you and I-"
"Didn't hit it off right from the start, the way you did with Phillip. You guys are both into sports and cars, you bonded almost immediately.
"No, Jamie, I wouldn't call it bonding, it was more a matter of finding common interests that we could talk about easily. A true bond is deeper, it's based on a lot more than shared hobbies, and it has far more to do with…ahh…a shared perspective on life's larger issues."
Jamie returned to the table with a cup of coffee and a container of cream. Lee accepted the beverage while pausing to choose his next words very carefully. When he didn't continue speaking, the teen returned to the refrigerator in search of orange juice. Emboldened by not having to speak face to face, the life-long loner reached out haltingly.
"You and I feel things deeply, and we…agonize about stuff…and even though we consider sharing those thoughts with someone else…we're not sure if we should or how to get started. Some topics are very difficult to talk about and they aren't pleasant to hear about either."
"It seems to me that sharing a conversation like that could bring two people closer together."
The earnest expression on Jamie's face was eroding the weary agent's resolve, and yet he still hesitated.
"My career hasn't been like one long action-movie. Reality is grittier, it can get ugly…it isn't simply a matter of the good guys versus the bad guys. I've had to, err, been willing to do some things that I'm not proud of. Getting close to me has changed your mother-"
"In many ways," ventured a freshly showered Amanda, as she entered the kitchen unnoticed by the pair.
She fervently believed in talking things out, but was she willing to allow her impressionable son to hear about the tragedy that she was still struggling with?
Author's note: I'd like to thank my readers for taking the time to read this story and offer feedback. As a writer, knowing that you're out there is like having fuel added to my creative engine.
I'd also like to offer a shout-out to clagjanet for unwittingly suggesting the title for this chapter.