It's the brush of a hand that does it,
the gentle reminder
that what he'd always wanted,
what he had
was gone
He still sees it in the way she smiles,
the way she leans against him
and he knows that she doesn't realize
He wonders if there is a step to be taken
down to the pier,
a moment of tranquil beating hearts
and rapid races getting rid of the fear
He never was the sort
to jump head long down there,
to feel the cold water assualt him
with acidic remainders of salt
and he knows that
he'd already faced his fears long ago,
conquered them once,
felt almost free
for a second by their sides,
but still felt it fade
a little more each day
until he stood stronger
but then fears didn't always
hang back,
it chased him out from where he hid
He remembers the phonecall
sometimes more precisely than their faces,
the right shape and correct color
of their eyes
He remembers the woman on the other end,
how her voice fell flat
but almost lovingly gentle
she'd seemed remorseful
He'd thanked her anyway as if she were someone
who'd done him a great service,
not the bearer of the news
that stabbed his heart
like thousands of pinpricks
each day
He'd tried smiling
though she couldn't see him
The next few days were a blur,
met by the sights that seemed unreal,
the cold claw of reality
digging his heart up
in choked pain
Makoto had held his breath,
watched the world spin out of control
and only cried from the confines of his room
that didn't feel like his anymore
Rin's shirts, pants, and even at least one pair of his jammers
were scattered along the floor, one sock dangling
off the side of the bed
that Makoto had missed that night
and probably the night before as well
Haru's side of the closet
was pristine, ordered in a way
that no one really understood but him
Their old plushies
stayed cuddled on one side of the bed
Shark, Killer Whale, Dolphin
Rin, Makoto, Haruka
They'd always been a team
even when Makoto could barely breathe
or when Rin was away
or when Rin and Haru had a falling out
that killed Makoto's heart as well
He knows
that they made the best team
once they were together
in all the ways that mattered
and when competitions became irrelevant
Makoto stares at the remains of his room
yet knows it stretches out to the kitchen
where almost only mackerel is stored in the fridge,
seasonings stored in the cabinet right above
Makoto bites his lips when he stands up to tuck the pictures
away in the private gallery of their old bedroom
Rin smiling as a kid, looking every bit like the happiest kid ever
Haru staring at camera, picture after picture, sometimes smiling
Makoto draped around the two of them in one more recent
Three months ago,
Haru smiled
as if the teasing voice of Rin
compelled his lips to pull into a small but quick smile
Makoto couldn't resist his own laugh
at the joke on his other boyfriend's lips
Rin naturally looked absolutely handsome
with his lips pulled up
in a bright and mischievious smile
Makoto sighed,
the pictures clung to a reality
that he couldn't face anymore
He'd moved out of that room four years ago,
almost everything untouched
The mackerel was traded fairly quickly for takeout dinners
and fast food
that curdled in his stomach
far too often,
so very unlike the delicious and savory taste
of mackerel for dinner,
unlike all that Makoto had fallen in love with
before
He breathed in deep
and watched her now as she leaned against him,
bright hair almost exactly like Rin's but longer
Makoto tries to smile,
to show some sign that he won't be a hermit forever
as Gou teases him,
almost the living reminder of her brother
Makoto bites his tongue
as he should never say the words that pull up to his lips
She's her own beautiful self
and yet all he can think about when he sees her is Rin
He hates how tragedy changes
what all of his best friends look like,
act like,
but knows only his reality has shifted,
but may be, just may be
Makoto will one day be able to move on
and not see her brother in everything she does and Haru in the cool quiet moments
whenever they weren't speaking for one reason or another.