Chapter Seven
Passion and Serenity
Author's Notes: Okay, after almost a year, I actually have something to share! I do apologize, I never meant for it to take that long. I recently decided that rather than wait until I had twelve or fifteen pages, if I had at least nine, to go ahead and post. I won't promise that the next update will be quick. . .but I'll do my best to get it out in a reasonable time. That being said, on with the fic. . .I'm hoping to get to the good stuff in the next chapter.
"Good morning, Master Kenobi! So glad you're all right!"
The greeting was an oft-heard phrase during the last three weeks, ever since he awoke to find everything he thought he knew turned upside down. Not, of course, that Obi-Wan Kenobi was complaining. It was one of many things he liked about his current situation. Even though there was a part of him which believed he would wake up to find himself in the Force once more, trying to comfort Anakin after Jacen's Fall, he found himself enjoying this variation on the Jedi Temple. There was laughter here, laughter and joy and love. And passion.
He blushed a little, remembering his first night back in his own quarters with Asajj and the twins. Asajj was incredibly patient and gentle, not asking anything more of him than for him to simply hold her. Though things were more than a little awkward, he was glad to do that, and within just a few minutes, Asajj's hair against his cheek and her arms wrapped around him felt. . .right. To make things easier for the couple, Anakin was spending the night with his mother and step-father (and Obi-Wan was still struggling to call them 'Aunt Shmi and Uncle Cliegg,' as he was told that he did before he was captured), step-brother and the rest of the family.
Of course, Obi-Wan and Asajj had just gotten settled when the twins made their displeasure known. Obi-Wan made the offer to see to whatever was wrong, but Asajj shook her head, sighing, "Oh, I know what's wrong, and I should have seen it coming. Maybe it's just as well you're not ready for any bedroom acrobatics. Luke and Leia will want to spend the night in our bed. Are you all right with that?" Obi-Wan was still trying to get back from the whole 'bedroom acrobatics' comment, and seized onto Asajj's question with all the desperation of a drowning man.
"Do they often spend the night with us?" Obi-Wan asked, more than a little lost. They did not, he learned; however, given that they just got their father back, and had more than a touch of separation anxiety, Asajj thought it wouldn't be a problem. At least until Luke and Leia were sure Daddy wouldn't leave again. Obi-Wan looked away at that, feeling more than a touch of shame. No, he hadn't left his children deliberately for six months, but he did leave them. He quietly acceded to Asajj, who disappeared into the twins' bedroom. She reappeared only a few minutes later with a child in each arm. Leia went immediately to him, snuffling against his shoulder, and it broke his heart all over again.
Asajj whispered, "Don't. None of this is your fault, love. Do you understand? None of it. They love their daddy and they missed him, but this wasn't your fault. We can be patient while you recover your memories. . .just be patient with yourself, and with us. All right?" Obi-Wan had nodded, settling back against the pillows, and fell into a restless sleep. And yet, the presence of his wife and children kept the nightmares at bay. He didn't feel any more rested the following morning, but at least he didn't awake Asajj and the children during the night with his screams. No. . .no, that came later.
Part of what caused his discomfort that first night wasn't simply the unfamiliar sensation of having one long body stretched out beside him and two small bodies curled up on top of him, but the strangest feeling in the Force. He whispered, after the children fell asleep, "What is that, Asajj, that sensation in the Force?" She hummed softly under her breath, but he could sense her lowering. . .some kind of shields. What kinds of shields were those? He was fairly certain that he had never encountered them before! After a moment, however, her eyes opened and she smiled at him.
"I suppose you wouldn't recognize it. . .your shields are a bit ragged. That was someone having a very good night. I'm willing to bet it's Quin. It feels like him, at least," she replied, resting her head on his shoulder once again. Obi-Wan froze up a little. Having a very good night, Quin. . .what? His mind supplied pictures he would have gone without seeing happily for the rest of his life, and his face turned almost as red as his hair. Some of his distress must have bled through what few shields he had remaining, because Asajj opened her eyes once more and said softly, "Here. Let me help you bolster those shields. We want you to get some sleep tonight."
She reached up and lay on hand along his cheek, and he could feel his shields rebuilding themselves. Asajj murmured, "I keep forgetting that you aren't used to this reality. . .yes, there is passion, along with serenity, here in the Temple. The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know. It's like Shmi always said. . .a place for everything, and everything in its place. Serenity belongs in tough negotiations, and passion in the bedroom." Obi-Wan didn't think it was possible, but he blushed even hotter.
"I see. Thank you for your help, Asajj," he finally managed as the blush finally, finally receded. She smiled at him, but he still saw the flicker of hurt in her eyes. Obi-Wan swallowed hard, adding, "I'm sorry. Just be patient. . .I'm trying to get this right?" The hurt died away, leaving only compassion and some traces of guilt. She stroked his cheek, her thumb grazing his cheekbone as he settled next to her once more.
He sighed, closing his eyes and relaxing into the gentle touch. She murmured, "Don't apologize, Obi-Wan, not for this. Like I said, this isn't your fault. If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I should have realized that your shields to keep out. . .those Force impressions. . .would be weakened by your time away. Just rest now, love. You're still wobbly, and I have a feeling both Anakin and Shmi would have some rather fierce words for me if you were to collapse tomorrow from exhaustion."
Obi-Wan found out the next morning what she meant by that, although Shmi and Anakin were the more easy-going pair to deal with. From the moment of his uncle's arrival, it seemed as if Cliegg Lars Kenobi was in a competition with Obi-Wan's father and Master to see who could take better care of Obi-Wan. In some ways, it was amusing. . .in other ways, it was incredibly overwhelming. It probably would have been even worse, if it weren't for Mace, Asajj, and Master Yoda. That particular trinity seemed to pop up any time Obi-Wan started becoming uncomfortable. And, the truth was, he was far more uncomfortable with his uncle Cliegg than he was with his aunt Shmi. Even though his memories were false, he felt as if he knew Shmi better from the false universe. Anakin reassured him when Obi-Wan acknowledged to his padawan and cousin that it was to be expected, and Cliegg would understand. Obi-Wan wasn't so sure of that, but he was grateful to Niki for trying to help and understand.
All in all, it was a good few weeks, as he adjusted to this new and improved Jedi Order (yes, Mace actually referred to it that way, thoroughly shocking Obi-Wan the first time he heard it). He knew it wouldn't last. That wasn't the way the universe worked. But while it lasted, he would enjoy it, and plan ahead for when things went bad. . .as he knew they had to do. He wouldn't worry about that right now, though. He had a meeting this afternoon with Bail and Breha Organa, the first such meeting since his return, and he was looking forward to seeing the man who seemed to be his friend in any universe. And then, this evening. . .maybe he would have a chance to talk to his uncle properly.
SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW
To say that Cliegg Lars felt out of his element would have been a serious understatement. It wasn't being on Coruscant again. . .or rather, wasn't simply being back on Coruscant, since the city-planet felt so. . .unnatural to him. Nor was it being around Yan Dooku once more, which was always uncomfortable, even before his sister's death more than thirty years earlier. It wasn't even Grandmaster Yoda, whose eyes seemed to see entirely too much for Cliegg's comfort. Much as he hated to admit it (and he did), what really made him feel uneasy. . .was Obi-Wan himself. He actually felt uneasy and uncomfortable around the nephew he always adored.
In some ways, looking at Obi-Wan was like seeing a mirror into the past. . .he saw not just himself, but his twin sister. This, of course, was only right, since Miya was Obi-Wan's mother. He had her smile and her eyes, to start with, although the rest of him was either his father's or his own. And he had some of his mother's attributes, especially as he grew older. He had her compassion and her gentleness, just as he had his father's iron will and fierce determination. But ever so often, Yan Dooku would remind him that Obi-Wan inherited that same fierce determination from Miya. Cliegg remembered the gentle girl she was when they were growing up, rather than the fiery woman she could be.
And fiery was an understatement! He remembered pulling pranks when they were just a few years younger than Niki, and the ways Miya would take revenge. No, she never took things lying down. And the only reason why she left her infant son was because she had nothing more to fight with, despite her desire to fight for her life. The poison had eroded all of her strength, and at the end, she could barely lift her hand to touch her baby's face. She had loved him, so very much.
In some ways, his wife reminded him a great deal of his sister. Shmi was much younger than Miya, yes, and she had dark hair, rather than blonde. But in all the important ways, they were remarkably similar. She was gentle and quiet, serene even. . .but with a steel core and an unwillingness to take nonsense. That side of her became more prevalent, once she was a free woman, and accustomed to being free. She had a similar mischievous streak that she passed along to her son, just as Miya's impish streak popped up in Obi-Wan ever so often. It was often said that men married women who reminded them of their mothers. . . Cliegg wondered what it said about him, that he fell in love with and married a woman who reminded him of his sister.
That also begged the question. . .if men fell in love with and married women who reminded them of their mothers, then where did Asajj come from? Cliegg loved her dearly, but the truth was, he couldn't imagine anyone who was less like Miya. On the other hand, Obi-Wan was just a baby when his mother died. . .why would he fall for a woman whom he didn't remember? And, when he thought about it, there were similarities between Miya and Asajj. One was a fierce woman with an unexpected gentle streak, with the other was a gentle woman with an unexpected fierce streak. And really, Miya would have loved Asajj as well.
All of which was distracting him from what was truly on his mind, and what he really didn't want to think about. . .the mental and emotional damage done to his nephew during his six-month-long captivity. In some ways, he was the same young man whom Cliegg watched grow up from a distance, the same young man who raised Cliegg's stepson since Niki was nine years old, and the same young man who married Asajj Ventress, the same young man who raised Cliegg's stepson since the latter was nine years old. . .in other ways, he was a stranger, and Cliegg didn't like that. Obi-Wan was family, he wasn't supposed to be a stranger, but this man with his haunted eyes and wary expression was very much a stranger.
He knew that Obi-Wan had seen things that weren't true while he was a captive. He knew that his nephew was found unconscious and hooked up to obscenities of machines, which piped in those unreal things into Obi-Wan's brain. He knew that was why Obi-Wan found it so very hard to reconcile the truth and the lies. All of this, he knew, in his brain. Accepting it in his heart was another matter entirely and it was that truth which he found hardest to face. He swore that he would accept Obi-Wan in whatever condition he and the others found him. And what really horrified Cliegg is that he could have handled seeing Obi-Wan's physical deterioration, but seeing the wariness and confusion, seeing the lost expression on his nephew's face at times? That was much, much harder.
Seeing those expressions made Niki's fury much easier to understand, so much easier. Now he understood Niki's stern warning when he and the rest of the family arrived on Coruscant a few weeks earlier that Obi-Wan was far more vulnerable than anyone realized, and 'if anyone upsets Master, they'll answer to me. . .and then they'll answer to Asajj, and I'll let you figure out which of us is scarier when we're angry. I won't stand for anyone hurting him, even unintentionally. He's been through enough.'
Indeed he had. And while Yoda and Mace Windu worked on figuring out whom had abducted Obi-Wan, whom this Sidious person really was, the young Jedi's family would focus on taking care of him. And that was another issue for the moisture farmer from Tatooine. Before his nephew was taken, he knew exactly where he fit in Obi-Wan's life, but now? Now, not so much. Not even knowing that Yan felt just as uneasy didn't help, though it should have, since Yan was the boy's father. But where Yan at least knew when to offer help and when to back away, Cliegg didn't even have that comfort. Obi-Wan was recovering, and that should have been a comfort. It was, but. . .
Things started to turn around after Obi-Wan returned from a meeting with Bail and Breha Organa. The rest of the family awaited him in his and Asajj's apartment. Once he was seated, Beru decided she had enough of the tension and plopped Vashti into his lap. . . while it wasn't already occupied with Luke or Leia, of course. She ignored Obi-Wan's bemused expression and beamed down at him. . .or maybe it was at Vashti's excited babble. Either one worked. Shmi and Beru busied themselves by fussing over Obi-Wan, while Anakin and Owen put their heads together to figure out the best way to protect Obi-Wan from whoever wanted to hurt him again. Yan merely watched his only child and beamed happily at having him back. This left Cliegg. He wanted to help his nephew, wanted to help protect him, wanted to fix this situation in whatever way he could, but in truth, there was nothing he could do. He was a farmer, not a Jedi, and he was somewhat limited in his options.
Then Obi-Wan asked over Vashti's head, rather shyly, if Cliegg could tell him any stories about Miya, about his mother. He knew about her from his father and Master, but he wanted to hear about her from her brother, from her twin. It didn't matter that they had this conversation in the past. It didn't matter that Cliegg told Asajj these same stories. What mattered was that he asked and that he truly wanted to know. Whether it was to learn once more about his mother or try to push memories to the surface, it didn't matter. He was asking about his mother, about Cliegg's sister.
There were so many stories Cliegg could have told his nephew about his late mother. He could have told him about the pranks Cliegg pulled on his sister when they were children and the payback she enacted. He could have told his nephew about the joy in Miya's eyes when she learned she was pregnant with Obi-Wan. But neither of those stories would have told the boy who his mother truly was. And so, he chose two stories which Obi-Wan never heard before, not even before he was taken by this Sidious fellow. . .the story of Obi-Wan's birth and the story of Miya's death.
He told Miya's son about the night he was born, how Miya fought to bring him into the world and how his father clung to his mother's hand, begging the Healers to give her something for the pain. He told his nephew how Miya refused that additional painkillers, wanting to control the pain herself and he told how Miya wept when her little baby boy was placed in her arms. His tiny face was peppered with kisses, and he was such a good baby, staring up at this strange new world with wide eyes that seemed far too old for such a young child. Yan Dooku announced in that moment that his son would be a Jedi and Miya agreed, kissing her son's forehead again.
Thirty-plus years later, Miya's son listened in silence, tears rolling down his cheeks as he learned of his birth, and then of his mother's death. He heard about how Miya was poisoned to destroy her beloved Yan. . .and how an antidote was held hostage. It would be turned over the Jedi, but for a price. . .a price that no one was willing to pay, least of Miya herself. Even as her strength faltered, she forbade Yoda, Mace Windu, or anyone else on the Council to make that deal, reminding any who argued that such people could not be trusted. No, she would place her trust in the Jedi Healers, because even if they failed, they would fail honestly. And little by little, her strength failed, through each treatment, through each experiment to counteract the poison, until she had no strength left.
Once he told of Miya's death, still fighting, still so determined to hold onto life, Cliegg looked at his sister's son and cupped a wet, bearded cheek, whispering, "You are just like her, Obi-Wan. You have her strength and her determination. And even when your world is falling apart around you, you are still fighting. Keep being Miya's son, Obi-Wan. But I don't think you know how to do anything else. No. . .no, you're your mother's son, through and through, and that is what will save you."
He kissed his nephew's forehead then, and was rewarded as the boy leaned into his embrace, still holding Vashti against his chest. Cliegg held the boy tightly, blinking back tears once more. . .because even the way Obi-Wan accepted the comfort was the same way his mother did.
SWSWSWSWSW
"So. How is Obi-Wan?"
The question wasn't unexpected, though she supposed she should have expected it sooner. Every week since her husband's return from captivity, she left the Temple while his muscles were built back up. It had two purposes: first, it gave him some breathing room and her time away and second, it gave her the opportunity to update their friends outside the Temple. At the top of that list was the gentleman now sitting across from her. . . although he would have been terribly offended to hear himself called a 'gentleman.' Even if it was meant as a compliment.
However, he was one of her first friends when she arrived on Coruscant, more than a decade earlier, and if there was one thing Asajj Ventress-Kenobi was, it was fiercely loyal. She said softly as she took a bite of her bantha burger, "He's better. . . getting stronger every day, both physically and mentally. Still worried about him, emotionally speaking. In some ways, he's almost too well-adjusted. Honestly, I'm more worried about Anakin and me, Dex, than I am about Obi-Wan. Not because. . .well, we keep hurting him by accident. We get upset when he can't remember something, and. . ."
"Asajj. Look at me, little lady," Dex said quietly. Asajj raised her eyes to look at her old friend. She was terrified of him, the first time Obi-Wan and Master Yan introduced her to him. . .never saw anything like him before. But as big as he was. . .well, Asajj was of the opinion that the reason he was so big was his body needed to match his heart. And the twins adored him. Dex said gently once Asajj was paying attention to him, "Now you listen to me. You keep telling Obi-Wan to be patient with himself. Seems to me that you need to take your own advice."
She smiled faintly, inclining her head in acknowledgment of this particular truth. After a moment, she admitted in a voice barely above a whisper, "I know that. It just kills something inside me when I see that flicker of hurt in his eyes when I get impatient. He's only been back for a few weeks, after being away for six months, and Sidious. . .is there anything worse than ravaging someone's memories, Dex? My poor husband. . .he believed that he lived in a world where Anakin fell, where I was a Sith wannabe, where he lost everything. EVERYTHING! Anakin and Senator Amidala were married and the birth parents of Luke and Leia, Master Jinn took Obi-Wan as a padawan reluctantly, and the changes of the last three decades never took place."
"And so, that is how he is reacting. As protective of Anakin as Niki is of him, fearing that he'll lose him again. Trying to react as a married man, rather than someone who followed the previous Jedi Code. . .because I know and you know, Asajj, he actually tries to follow Codes and laws and rules. Doesn't always succeed, but makes a genuine effort. I imagine having Cliegg and Shmi here has made things even more complicated, especially if Cliegg and Yan got into their usual 'I care about Obi-Wan and honor Miya more than you do' pissing contest," Dex observed. Asajj barely bit back a snort. . . because really, that was exactly what her former Master and Obi-Wan's uncle did.
"On the other hand," she observed, "At least Owen, Beru, and Vashti have been helping to distract Cliegg to prevent those pissing contests. Don't misunderstand me, Dex. They've gotten better, both of them, especially with the lost look Obi-Wan gave them before he was taken. I mean, before Obi was abducted, when he would ask a question about his mother, those two would start up their rivalry again. It drove Master Mace utterly insane. Cliegg would behave like a jealous twin and Master like anything other than the mature Jedi Master and Council member I know him to be. They haven't been doing that since Obi was returned to us, but things are still tense. I understand they're both happy about having Obi-Wan back, and I understand they can't forgive themselves, much less each other, for Miya's death, but Obi-Wan doesn't need this! I almost understand those Jedi who wish for the old days. . . almost."
"Nah, you don't, kiddo. . .you really don't. Mind you, I wasn't here when that happened. But you see what they're like now. . . what do you think the Jedi would be like if it was the old days? Wouldn't be pleasant, that's for sure," Dex pointed out and Asajj acknowledged the truth of this. Dex continued, "Now, you need to realize that both Yan and Cliegg are feeling really uneasy. It isn't just the normal pissing contest they get into. This time, it's far worse. We could have lost Obi-Wan, we kriffing well almost did lose him. Worse yet, he doesn't remember the world, the galaxy, the universe as it is. He's been trapped in what sounds like a nightmare world for the last six months, and if you and Niki are having a hard time with what he said, imagine what it must be like for those two. Has Obi-Wan had the chance to talk with his uncle at all?"
Asajj shook her head thoughtfully, observing, "Obi-Wan has a meeting with Queen Breha and her consort this afternoon, once his exercises are complete for the day, and after that, the others are planning to gather in our apartment. Should be there right now. Shmi didn't say anything to me about forcing the issue. . .no pun intended. . .but that's not her style. And I don't think she'd tell me even if she planned to do something like that." However, Dex was already shaking his head, and Asajj knew he was right. Her aunt by marriage was many things, including just as obstinate as Asajj herself, but foolish wasn't among them. And forcing the issue between three stubborn men would be foolish.
"Naw. . .naw, Shmi won't force the issue. She might, on the other hand, remove all the distractions from Cliegg and subtly keep Yan out of the way. That's more her style. . . she ain't like you, Asajj, she doesn't go into a situation with a lightsaber in one hand and a gun in the other," Dex replied. Asajj smirked a little. . .well, that would be slightly difficult, since Shmi was neither a Jedi nor a Sith. However, she took Dex's point. Shmi, no doubt because of her years as a slave, was a far more subtle person than Asajj was.
"So. . .what should I do? I can't keep hurting my husband because he can't remember the real reality! None of this is his fault, but he's the one who keeps apologizing to us! Ever so often, the man whom I know, the man whom I married, peeks through, and then, just a short time later, he's gone again, and in his place is this poor, traumatized man who has had his entire life completely destroyed. . .not just once, but repeatedly. Can you imagine, Dex, what that must be like?" Asajj asked softly, blinking back tears, not just for her husband, but for what kind of life that other Obi-Wan would have lived.
Dex studied her for a long time, looked down at the half-full plate, and then gave it a gentle nudge toward her, saying, "You eat." Asajj responded with a disbelieving half-laugh. What? Dex repeated, nodding firmly, "You eat, little lady. You came here to eat and to rest and to relax, and that's exactly what you're gonna do. You gotta keep up your strength, after all." Asajj started to protest, but then she understood exactly what Dex was trying to say. It wasn't simply, 'eat to keep your strength up.' It was also, 'relax, unwind, because Obi-Wan will sense that you're stressed and try to take care of you, pushing aside his own recovery.' She had to take care of herself before she could take care of Obi-Wan and the twins.
With a half-smile for her companion, Asajj picked up her bantha burger and took first one bite, and then another. As she did, Dex said gently, "What you gotta remember, more than anything else, little lady. . .be patient with yourself. Yes, Obi-Wan has been through a terrible time, ain't nobody denying that. But so have you, and so has Niki. You've been without your husband, Niki's been without his Master, his cousin, and his best friend, and you know, I think that's what Obi-Wan's really apologizing for. Not just that he can't remember things as they really are, and it obviously hurts you and Niki. . .but that you've been without your husband for six months, and now you'll be without him a little longer. So long as he doesn't remember this reality, our reality, your husband is still lost. He understands that, and that's why he's apologizing."
When she thought about it in those terms, it made perfect sense. She said thoughtfully after swallowing a bite, "I got lost, didn't I?" Dex made no verbal answer, but the compassion in his eyes said it all. She smiled at him a bit wearily, adding, "Thanks, Dex. I don't know if I'll be able to stay on the right track now, but at least now I know where I'm going." Which was, by far, much better than wandering around in the dark. Dex just grinned at her and heaved his massive body out of the booth, smoothing his hand over her hair with a gentleness that might have shocked many.
"Any time, little lady. I gotta be gettin' back to work now, but don't be a stranger and even more importantly, don't forget to take care of yourself!" he replied and Asajj grinned. Yeah. It was important. So, once she finished her lunch, she wouldn't rush back to the Temple, not unless she received an important summons from Yoda or Mace. Instead, she would go to the Senate and see how Mon Mothma was doing. Not as a Senator and as a Jedi, but as two friends. It was about time they caught up with each other. Maybe even long past time.