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Chapter Four
Time for change.
Ana
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While sharing breakfast with Aunt Meg, before she leaves for work. I can almost hear the cogs grinding as they turn in her head. I can see she's concerned about me, especially after witnessing my mini breakdown earlier, and I know she's dying to talk to me about it. After all this time spent living with her, it's not the first time she's held me, while I've been in floods of tears, and I know just how she'll start and what she'll say.
"You know Ana, I've been thinking." she says as she rises from the table, gathers our dishes together and places them into the sink. I smile to myself, pleased that I know her so well. "You need a change of scene."
My brow twitches in surprise as there seems to be no preamble today. She usually builds up to this slowly.
"You can't live like this, Ana." she states softly, but firmly. Yes, straight to the point. I must be worrying her more than I thought.
I hug my cup as I stare into the cooling liquid. Nodding as per usual at her suggestion. Something in me stirs, because maybe this time, she could be right. "I know you're hurting, and nothing seems to help, but you have to get away from here for a while. It's a permanent reminder that you don't need. Why don't you go, blow the cobwebs away and live a little. You're young, beautiful..."
"Where would I go?" I interrupt her with a soft chuckle. Tempted, but scared by the idea.
"I don't know, any place where the sun is shining, anywhere that you've ever wanted to go and explore or visit... Any place, that will make you smile." she says with feeling, and hugs me tightly as I let go of my cup and stand. "You know I'm right, Ana, and what harm could it do? Just think about it. You're to young and precious to be living like this." she whispers into my hair. I hold her tightly as I nod against her. Smiling at her compassion, and sudden enthusiasm to get rid of me.
Aunt Meg, kisses my forehead before leaving the house and heading out to work. With a request, for me to try and get some sleep, but I'm left wondering about taking her advice. I make myself another cup of tea as I consider places that I've always wanted to go. Unsurprisingly, the list is very short. I've never wanted to leave here. Never wanted to leave home. I've never felt the pull to explore or travel. I've never had the urge to just head out with a single backpack, no plans, schedule or itinerary. No, that's not for me.
I wouldn't mind doing something productive or worthwhile, though. I could volunteer my time somewhere, help the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders, maybe. It could be nice to pick grapes from the vine on some sprawling vineyard somewhere, soaking up the sun and local culture, but I know I'd need a genuine reason, a true purpose to leave here. This place, no matter how painful it can be for me living here sometimes, it's my home.
Half of me wishes that it wasn't.
That it never was, but it is.
Living here, lost in the Cascades, is a constant reminder of that dreadful night. Every sight, sound and smell, can be a trigger in one way or another for me. It doesn't help that I have to pass the crash site every time I want to go anywhere, but it's unavoidable. The accident happened on the only road leading in or out of town.
I've always had mixed emotions and reactions, whenever I've driven through the devastation that I envisage as I pass along that stretch of road. Sometimes, my dad wins out, and I yearn for my missing daddy and his big strong arms. Other times, guilt and regret dominate me, and I'm caught up thinking of the boy that lost his life too soon. Either way, I can never pass smoothly or ignorantly along that stretch of road.
I visit the site, lay flowers and talk to my dad on every special occasion, and whenever the mood takes me. Which, is another big reason why I've never wanted to leave here, but it also hinders my letting go of that night, and the pain it holds within it. So something has to give.
Realistically, how can I ever forgive myself and move on, if I'm still here shadowed by it and reminded constantly of what happened? Aunt Megs, right. I know she's always been right. I've just never taken her seriously before. Now, though, I think my physical and mental wellbeing depends on it... But...
I'm so undecided. What do I do for the best? My Dad, always told me to believe in my gut and trust my instincts. Which is what keeps me here, but he said my mom was flighty, spiritual, and would have told me to be open to signs and omens for change, and to live accordingly. Just as she had.
I wish we could've had a warning or omen from her that night. I wish she had of been watching out for us. I wish...
No, I don't want to go there again, not so soon after my sleepless night. I'm not strong enough. A wave of fatigue floods me at the reminder, and my lack of sleep starts to catch up with me again. No matter how frequent my sleepless nights are. No matter how much I'm used to so little sleep, my body always gives up at some point. I usually cherish these times as I tend to get a few more hours of sleep than the norm, but I'm not too sure about sleep today. My head is still full of Christian, and my emotions are frayed. I'm not ready for another replay and I know it could easily happen. My body may be shattered, but my mind is still urging me to stream, relive and recall. I can't do it again. Not now.
I need a distraction. I need to focus on something new. I need to listen to my Aunt Meg.
Leaving the kitchen table, I head to my room, grab my comforter from my bed and pick up my laptop. I settle myself on the sofa in the lounge, laying length ways, covering myself and nestling into the cushions. Once I'm comfortable, I prop my laptop on my knees and start searching travel sites. I'm hoping I'll be able to drift off, close my eyes for a time while I'm distracted. No matter how short a reprieve that might give me. I'm going to take it.
It seems to work, as half an hour later, my eyes are droping and I'm lost within beautiful, sunny days, and sprawling sandy beaches. I let my eyes fall closed and focus on the delightful images conjured up in my mind's eyes.
I need to rest. I need to sleep.
So, I'm taking them with me.
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