Story Title: Hard Choices

Author: overworkedandunderpaid

Background: Janine is invited to a Mother's Day dinner with the Belikov's and reveals to Rose the truth about the distance between them. Post LS.

Janine Hathaway had never considered herself a great mother. She'd never considered herself a terrible mother either – until the day she met Olena Belikova.

It had been a taxing few days for the Szelsky Guardian. Her Moroi was visiting the royal Court to tend family affairs and Janine found herself lumped carelessly with the other Court Guardians – boring patrols and endless amounts of formal paperwork were not a part of her usual duties. But she held her tongue, did her job, and obediently answered to Hans.

By her third day at Court, Janine was tired and frustrated with the humdrum routine of Court Guardian life. She'd been here before, but only for a few days at a time. Right now, it looked like she would be here indefinitely. She found herself hoping that her Moroi would request her services for something – anything – more interesting than ward patrol.

It was her third day. And somehow, as she reflected later that night, she hadn't yet realized that Rosemarie was at Court as well.

That afternoon she found herself posted on a routine patrol through the grounds. She was listening to her partner grumble about how they'd been "effectively booted down to beat-cops" when they passed a Royal Guard.

Janine had never seen her daughter within a professional capacity. Despite receiving the news that she had fully recovered from her injuries and was assigned to the Royal Guard, the moment she passed Rose in that courtyard was surreal. She looked decidedly professional in her Guardian uniform, and not at all like the spirited hellion Janine was sure she had inadvertently raised.

After her initial confusion subsided, she offered a professional nod of acknowledgment.

Rose didn't seem surprised to see her mother at Court. For the briefest of moments, her professional mask twisted to reveal something bitter seething beneath the surface. Her fists clenched by her sides as she continued to walk, turning her face from her mother in a passive refusal to acknowledge her presence.

Janine's partner prattled on as the Guard passed. Something like a stone settled in her stomach, cold and heavy. For a moment there, seeing Rose look so calm and professional, she'd felt a swell of pride and patted herself on the back, feeling reassured that she hadn't been such a terrible mother after all. Then with one look, Rose had shattered that reassurance and contentment against the stony silence of her passive-aggressive rejection.

She sighed as pain twinged in her left temple, signalling the familiar headache that seemed to come on whenever Rose was involved.

Janine had spent the rest of that day mulling over Rose's cold shoulder. It wasn't like she'd never been on her daughter's bad side before. In fact, she was pretty sure she'd been on that side of Rose for her entire life. Maybe there'd been a few good years there before she'd sent her to the Academy.

A familiar twinge of guilt wriggled in her abdomen.

'I did what I had to do,' she'd reminded herself sternly. 'Guardians have to make sacrifices.'

"Can you believe she didn't even tell me?" Rose exclaimed, gesturing wildly with her hands. "She always does this! She shows up somewhere she knows I'll be, then pretends she's surprised to see me!"

"Maybe she was surprised," Dimitri answered, thumbing the next page of his book. He desperately wanted to return to his night of quiet reading, but Rose had worked herself up before she'd even gotten home. He assessed her murderous expression and lay down his book with a sigh.

"How could she be? She knows I'm one of Lissa's Guardians. She even sent me a congratulatory email." With a huff caught halfway between disgust and frustration, Rose threw herself onto the couch next to her boyfriend.

"Maybe she's just been caught up in work. We know how that can happen."

"You know how that can happen," she corrected, crossing her arms. "Unlike you and my robot mother, I don't forget my shift ended two hours ago, or forget to tell my daughter that I'll be in the neighbourhood." She paused, shoulders sagging. "You don't know what this is like," she mumbled. "Your mom told you that she was coming."

"Well, she is flying from Russia specifically to see me," he replied, pulling Rose into a hug. Her arms remained tightly crossed over her chest. "I'm sure Janine was just focused on work. You should call her."

Rose laughed harshly. "Why do I have to be the adult?"

"Because you are an adult. And you can forgive your mother just this once."

"I'm always forgiving her," she grumbled.

"Are you?" Dimitri questioned. "Have you ever actually forgiven her? Or are you always just angry with her?"

Rose pulled away, her eyes narrowing. "Okay, listen here Mr. Zen Life Lessons," she jabbed a finger at his chest, "when your mom dumps you at an Academy when your four years old and returns to see you about once a year, you can give me advice on forgiving mine."

Dimitri shrugged. "I'm just saying, I think it's time for you to let it go. You were all for mending your relationship a few months ago."

"Yeah, before she rocked up at Court and totally blanked on the part where I exist."

With a sigh and a shake of his head, Dimitri picked up his book. "Okay then, handle it however you want."

"Don't be like that."

"Be like what?"

With a groan of frustration, Rose let her head fall onto Dimitri's shoulder. "Okay," she mumbled. "Just tell me what to do."

With her eyes closed, she didn't catch the victorious smirk that momentarily graced his lips. "Well, you know how it's Mother's day on Sunday?"

Janine had never celebrated Mother's Day. At least not as a mother. She'd never had the time to acknowledge such a frivolous holiday, and after the first two years at the Academy, Rose hadn't bothered to send her anything, or even call. It hadn't really bothered her.

But this year, someone had clearly remembered that it was Mother's Day, and that she was a Mother.

It just wasn't her daughter.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Guardian Hathaway." The dhampir girl outside her door looked similar to Rose, but her brown hair and eyes were a few shades lighter. She seemed about the same age, but Janine knew by looking at this girl that the years didn't weigh as heavy on her shoulders.

"It's not a problem," she said, dismissing the girl's apology with a wave of her hand. "Can I help you?"

"My name is Viktoria Belikova," the girl answered, offering a charming smile. "I'm Dimitri's sister. My mother, Olena, wanted to invite you to dinner tonight to celebrate Mother's Day. She would have come herself, but we just had a pretty long flight."

Janine controlled her expression carefully. The offer was obviously in good spirit, but she had to wonder if Rose knew about this. It had been two days since they'd run into each other in the courtyard, and she'd heard nothing from her daughter since. It was a display of passivity and self-control she'd never seen from the prickly teen – she was expecting a violent outburst any minute now, and a dinner with Dimitri's family didn't seem like the ideal setting.

"I would love to, but unfortunately I have a shift this evening." The lie came easily – how often had she said these words?

Viktoria nodded in understanding. "Of course. I'll let Rose know, maybe the two of you can do something this afternoon instead? She said she'd be finishing work around three."

Janine felt her eyebrows shoot upwards. "Rose wants me to come?" she blurted.

Viktoria hesitated. "Well, she doesn't necessarily know about the dinner, but she did say she wanted to spend some time with you today."

"In that case, I'll make some calls and see if someone can cover my shift. Thank you for coming by, Viktoria."

As she closed the door, Janine knew she should be feeling grateful – maybe even elated – that Rose wanted to celebrate Mother's Day. All she felt was suspicion, and a hint of disapproval. Why hadn't Rose come to see her instead of sending Viktoria? Why had the invitation come from Olena? If Rose wanted to celebrate Mother's Day, why hadn't she shown any interest in talking over the past two days?

"Nervous" wasn't a word Janine often ascribed to herself, but there was no other way to describe the sick feeling in her stomach. The dinner was scheduled for six, and she had planned on arriving early. A last minute call from Hans had her sitting in his office until quarter past, going through safety protocols for an outing that Lord Szelsky had planned for the following morning.

Now here she was, hurrying through the front door of the restaurant twenty minutes late. A young Moroi waiter led her to the table where she recognised Rose's back.

"She's probably not coming," Rose was saying bitterly. "She doesn't care about this sort of stuff."

Straightening her back, Janine pulled out the chair opposite her daughter. "Good evening, Rosemarie," she said coolly, raising her eyebrows to indicate that she'd overheard that last comment. She turned to everyone else at the table. "Sorry I'm late, I was caught up with work."

Rose scowled as her mother introduced herself to Olena. The two women couldn't be any more different. Not for the first time, Rose felt a guilty stab of envy.

"I'm so glad you could come," Olena was saying. "Rose has told me so much about you."

"Really?" Janine was so surprised she rocked back in her seat. "I can't imagine what you must think of me."

She was grateful when Olena laughed, waving a hand. "Oh no, it's all been wonderful things, really."

A warmth glowed in her chest and she gave Rose a small smile. Rose was staring at the menu attentively and sinking into her seat, but Janine could see the embarrassment written across her face.

"Well, she obviously hasn't had enough time to get to the bad stuff," she joked half-heartedly. "If you spend more than a day with her, I'm sure she'd have plenty more to say."

"Oh, I think she was with us more than a week!"

Janine froze, hand halfway to the menu. "I'm sorry?" she asked, but her question was drowned out by the waiter announcing the starters.

"I hope you don't mind, we ordered something to snack on while we waited," Viktoria explained.

Janine looked to Rose while the food was placed on the table. "More than a week?" she asked. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised that Rose hadn't told her – they hadn't seen each other in six months.

"Yeah, I stayed at Olena's for a while when I was in Russia last year. That's where Abe found me," Rose answered, her attention now fixed on the garlic bread in front of her. Her flippant tone indicated that she didn't deem this information significant.

"So you know each other quite well, then?" Janine probed.

Rose had her mouth full of bread, so Olena answered. "It was like having another daughter – although I already have too many." Viktoria rolled her eyes, and Olena gave her an affectionate smile.

"How… nice."

"You're lucky I left," Rose joked, swallowing down an impressive mouthful. "Your cooking is incredible."

Janine felt her stomach flip uncomfortably, but she forced a tight smile. There was no reason for her to feel upset about this. Rose had spoken to barely anyone about her time in Russia. Obviously Dimitri's mother was a wonderful woman.

"So how many children do you have, Olena?" Janine asked politely.

"Dimitri is my only son, but I have two other daughters, both with children of their own now," Olena answered, practically glowing with pride. She continued, talking about her children and their accomplishments, even praising Dimitri as he sat there smiling patiently and correcting her when she exaggerated any of his achievements.

The admiring way Rose watched Olena talk wasn't lost on Janine. Her stomach flipped uncomfortably again.

"Mama, I'm sure no one wants to hear about dance awards," Viktoria interrupted. She was blushing as her mother started in on her early childhood accolades.

"Wow, dance. I didn't know they offered that in Russian Academies," Rose commented.

"They don't," Victoria answered. "Mama took me during school holidays because I wanted to go with one of my friends." She made a face. "You know how it is."

Rose's face fell. "Oh. No, I never really did that kind of stuff."

Janine shifted in her seat and started picking at the garlic bread. "You wouldn't have been interested in dance," she commented in a half-hearted attempt to join the conversation. "You were too busy throwing books at your teachers."

"That was one time," Rose protested. Dimitri smiled from his place beside her, but his enjoyment of the moment was quickly seen to by his mother.

"I recall you having some similar issues with school, Dimka, don't pretend you were perfect," Olena jibed.

"Not from such a young age," Dimitri replied. "I went through my rebellious stage in my teens, like everyone else. Rose was a born troublemaker."

Obviously amused, Olena gave her son a sceptical look. "Of course, you were an angel."

"I know, thank you."

Everyone at the table laughed at his response, but Janine felt lost. She wasn't used to the easy banter of family, and it was making her feel out of place and inadequate. She wanted to enjoy tonight, but she was barely holding back the rising tide of jealousy as she watched Rose revel in the company of Dimitri's family.

She knew she hadn't been the greatest mother, but it was difficult to watch her own daughter with a mother she so clearly preferred.

It was Olena that finally turned the conversation back to Janine. "It's so amazing how you went back to being a Guardian after raising Rose," she commented. "After Vika's twelfth birthday I considered it, but I was too out of practice. It must have been difficult for you after so many years."

Janine stiffened, fixing Olena with cold eyes that didn't match her polite smile. "Not really. I never stopped being a Guardian." She had faced judgement for her choices before, many times. "Rose went to the Academy when she was four and I continued to do my duty."

There was an awkward moment as Janine's accusatory statement hung in the air. She hadn't meant to sound so hostile, but watching Olena interact with Rose had left a bitter taste in her mouth. Olena struggled for something to say as Viktoria's eyebrows disappeared under her fringe.

"Yeah, but there's more than one kind of duty, isn't there?" Rose asked, her tone infusing with anger as she spoke. "She chose to actually be a mom, and you picked some Moroi Lord over me."

Dimitri's hand on her shoulder did nothing to stop the words spilling from Rose's lips.

"Most of the time you don't even know where I am. Jesus, for two years you didn't know if I was alive!"

"And whose fault was that?" Janine asked coolly. Rose's words stung, but she wasn't about to lose her head in a public setting. "I thought I raised you better than to run away from your responsibilities."

"Well that's the catch, isn't it?" Rose spat. "You didn't raise me. Some institution did."

Janine cursed her practically translucent skin as the blood rushed to her cheeks. She didn't want to have this conversation with Rose here. She didn't want to have this conversation at all. She knew how Rose felt about it. She knew that most people judged her for the choice she'd made. She knew she might regret it for the rest of her life. But a restaurant on Mother's Day was not the time or place to hash it out. She picked up the menu and scanned it without reading a word.

Another heavy silence fell on their table. From the corner of her eye, Janine could see that Rose wasn't even halfway finished. Before she had the chance to start up again, Janine caught the attention of a waiter and quickly ordered. Everyone at the table quietly followed her example, except for Rose.

"My life would have been better if you were dead."

So matter of fact.

It might have been easier if her voice had been filled with hate. Or any feeling at all.

Janine felt like a hole had been ripped through her chest. The comment wasn't unexpected. She didn't even believe it was undeserved.

No one at the table spoke, but at a glance Janine could see the hardness in Dimitri's eyes. She didn't want the two of them to argue, so she raised a hand.

"Clearly," she managed, although her throat was closing, "this was a mistake." She stood, her eyes burning and blurring with tears. "Have a wonderful night."

Nobody stopped her from storming out of the restaurant. She was sure they were relieved to be without her. Shame clawed in her chest and burned in her face. What an embarrassment she'd made of herself.

Guardian accommodation was only a short walk away, and she moved quickly, hiding from the rising sun in the long shadows the buildings threw. She wasn't in the mood for sunshine.

Her room was on the second floor. It was sparsely furnished and impersonal, besides the single card she'd left carelessly on the bed. It was an old Mother's Day card that Rose had written her first year in the Academy. She'd been fondly reminiscing before Hans had called her to his office. Now it served as slap in the face.

'You made your choices,' she told herself firmly.

She had been expecting a text, but she got a knock at the door.

It had only been an hour or so since Janine had left the restaurant, and she resigned herself to the undoubtedly stilted apology Rose was going to offer. She would appreciate the sentiment, but Rose's underlying resentment wasn't going to fade away with that apology. She opened the door.

"I'm sorry, mom."

"I know. Come in."

Rose hesitated but crossed the threshold nonetheless. "You aren't going to give me a lecture are you?"

"Do you think you deserve one?" she asked mildly.

Rose closed the door and scuffed her shoe on the carpet. "I already got one from Dimitri. Honestly, he was nicer about it when he was just my mentor."

"I can imagine. We're a lot more honest with the people we love. Sometimes it means we get angrier with them too, because we always know they're coming back."
"So… what did you want to say?" Rose asked after a moment. She was far more comfortable with Dimitri's stoic, level-headed style than she was with her mother's. At least she found Dimitri easier to read.

"Come sit down." Janine patted the bed beside her, and Rose made her way over.

Janine opened her wallet, and Rose couldn't help but laugh. Her first school ID photo, aged and faded, glared up at her. Janine smiled as well, and touched the picture gently.

"I was with you that day," she said distractedly, tears shining in her eyes. "You didn't want to smile. You didn't want me to leave you there."

Rose swallowed past the painful lump in her throat and managed a joke. "Mom, you're emoting. Are you high?"

"Don't be rude, Rosemarie." The rebuke was good humored, but there was a snippy note to it that made Rose clamp her mouth shut. She carefully opened the picture slot and eased out another photo from behind the one of Rose.

"Whose that?" Even as she asked the answer was clear to her. The woman in the photo was in Guardian black and whites, her curly red hair tangling around her shoulders like a wild halo of fire.

Janine answered anyway. "My mom."

The woman in the photo wore a serious expression – clearly this was a professional photo – but there was something about her face that made Rose think she was used to smiling.

"She looks nice," Rose said quietly, taking the photo. She'd never known anything about her grandmother.

Janine laughed hoarsely. "Some people thought so."

"Did you?"

"Yes. I idolised her." She hesitated. "When I first met Ibrahim, he reminded me so much of her. You remind me of her."

Rose swiped at a tear threatening to roll down her cheek. She didn't know this woman – she hadn't even considered her existence – but she was overwhelmed with the connection she felt for her.

"We were close. She died," Janine stated. Her voice had taken on an impersonal, distant quality. "It was just a random encounter with a random Strigoi. Happens every day."

Rose tightened her hold on the photo. She didn't need to be told how senseless death could feel. "I'm sorry."

"I was fifteen." Janine continued as though she hadn't heard. "Halfway through my training with no idea of what it really meant to be a Guardian. For a little while, I hated the Moroi for killing her. They were a much easier target for a fifteen year old novice than a Strigoi." She smiled humorlessly. "I moved on. When I met your father, I was nineteen and I had no intention of having kids. You were a surprise. I seriously considered an abortion but Ibrahim convinced me to keep you. He wanted to be involved in your life, but I was young and scared, and Ibrahim was in a dangerous line of work at the time. I didn't want you to know what it was like to lose a parent. We broke up, and I decided you would be better off in an Academy without either of us. That way you would never know how it felt. When I left you at St Vladimirs it broke my heart. I told myself that everything I'd ever done, I'd done for you. I told myself that every day, until you left the Academy. When you came back, I knew I'd done it all wrong. But what right did I have to just put myself back into your life? What right did I have to ask you to forgive me?"

She paused, taking a deep breath. "I never wanted you to know what it was like to lose a mother. I was young and stupid, and I made the decision to focus on my job and distance myself rather than put you through something like that." She turned to Rose, her eyes haunted by regret and guilt. "But maybe I put you through something worse."

Rose shook her head, not trusting her voice.

"You were probably right. You would have been better off if I'd died when you were four, because at least then you would have had a mother."

"I don't want you to be dead," Rose managed. Fear clutched at her heart as she considered it. "I love you."

She didn't hug her mom much, but she did now. She felt on the verge of a breakdown, and all it took to open the floodgates was one sniffle from Janine and Rose found herself sobbing into her shoulder.

"I love you too, Rose. I'm so sorry."