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Chapter Twelve

One Step Forward, Two Steps back.

Christian

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I should have taken my first encounter with Leila, as a sign of things to come. By the time Sunday morning had come around, I was pulling my hair out in clumps. I couldn't bear to be around her, not for one second longer. I don't know what's gotten into her, but she seemed to be out of her room more than usual, and for some strange reason, hovering about.

After she tried to initiate conversation, for the third time in under an hour, I couldn't take any more from her and sent her home as soon as she'd finished her breakfast. I just couldn't settle or focus on anything at all. All weekend, it's been like this.

I've felt like my thoughts, feelings and emotions, were going to rip me in so many different directions. If I just paused for thought and allowed them to. I've tried to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, but something's off. Something's, just not sitting right within me, and it's driving me to distraction.

Leila, didn't help. Not at all. Her every movement annoyed me. Her mere presence, grated on my every nerve. I took her to my playroom on Saturday night, and I couldn't even bring myself to fuck her. Even hooded, she was far too familiar, and I couldn't bring my mind to heel. Not with the thought of Ana, and what I did to her, being so close and prominent.

She had to go.

Maybe, it's time for her to go... Permanently.

As much as I love being at the beach house, spending time with Tess. I need to get to the office. It's the only place where I'm truly free from any type of emotional pressure, and mental fatigue. My mind is always clear and sharp within those walls. I'm free from all the pressure, within those walls.

Once I'm sure Leila's left, and won't be loitering within my peripheral. I call Taylor, and ask him to meet me at Grey House, in a couple of hours. I need to burn off this growing anxiety and frustration, so, I plan on running there.

Running, has always helped clear my head, and that's what I need right now. I need to escape for a bit. Despite not sleeping well over the weekend, I'm fit to burst with pent up energy. My dreams, may have kept my subconscious mind active with disjointed visions. Ana, deep in the middle of them all. So I'm mentally fatigued, but I never woke up, not once, and my body is raring to go.

Half an hour later, after security arrives and I've said goodbye to Tess. I'm pounding the streets around the harbor. As my feet have churned up the miles. I've pondered and dredged over the past few days, and have affirmed, that my impulsive trip up north is definitely to blame for my uncertainty, and heightened emotional state.

Ever since I visited the crash site and left those flowers, I haven't been able to settle. Or, shake the feeling of dread from that night so long ago. I thought it would help me, attempting to put everything to rest, but it's as if going back there has ignited, and strengthened, everything that I fear and have fought, so fiercely, to suppress for years.

I think about, and can feel, Ana, more now, than I ever did before visiting. Going back there was obviously a serious error of judgment on my part. It's brought everything to the forefront again, and hasn't aided me at all. As if it could have ever helped in my appeasement. Ana, and that fateful night, have never, and will never leave me. What will it take for me to realize that?

As I near Grey House, running on autopilot. I turn a blind corner, and run smack, bang, into another runner. A woman. I hit her hard. Knocking her backwards, causing her to fall onto her behind. I curse, momentarily angry at being hindered and for my steady pace being interrupted.

Once I focus on her, though, and see her on the floor, all disheveled, nursing her sore elbow. The feelings quickly ebb. Cursing to myself some more, for being so un-chivalrous. I take a small step toward her, politely offering her my hand to help her to her feet. She hasn't moved or tried to right herself. She's just sitting on her ass, stunned, gaping up at me. I feel unease roll and consume at her scrutiny of me.

As she accepts my hand and her fingers touch mine. I feel my eyes widen. I ignore the tingling sensation in my palm, as my hand wraps around hers, but find myself taking her all in. Logging every detail of her to memory.

She's petite. Her limbs, svelte and shapely. She has amazing legs, and looks really good in her running shorts and tight fitting, T-shirt. Her dark hair is twisted, and hidden under a blue, mariners baseball cap. Even though, dark shades, cover her eyes, her features are soft and feminine. From what I can tell, anyway.

She begins to splutter, incoherently as she looks up at me. I stand, putting a little distance between us, taking her hand with me, trying to draw her up from the sidewalk. Her eyes follow me, but she doesn't. With the tilt of her head as her eyes ascend, her cap falls free. A beautiful, wave of chestnut hair, cascades down her back, and it hits me like a wrecking ball.

The sudden sight of her hair, caught in the sunlight, and the feel of her fingers in mine. Has the memories flooding through my mind. I'm suddenly blinded by sights and sounds of a young Ana. I feel a heat and tightening in my chest as my heart palpitates. My throat constricts, painfully as my next breath, fights to leave me, and I feel like I'm about to pass out.

What the fuck is going on? I can't see straight, never mind think. I need to leave. I need to get out of here, before I have to speak to her, interact with her, or before she has a chance to take off her sunglasses. The panic is coursing through me and soon becomes overwhelming, and all in reaction to a vague similarity.

"I'm sorry. I hope you're not hurt." I somehow manage to apologize, despite my coarse, dry throat. The girl on the floor, dumbly, shakes her head at me.

Without saying another word. I release her hand like it's on fire, and bolt. Leaving her sitting in the middle of the sidewalk just looking after me. I let my feet propel me in any direction away from there. Away from her.

After I've put some distance, and a few corners, between me and the woman on the floor. I pull myself up short and lean heavily, against the nearest wall. I take deep, gulping breaths as I try and control my rapidly, pounding heart. Before it bursts right out of my chest.

What the fuck was that?

How could a perfect stranger, and perfect she was, cause such a fucked up reaction in me, all because of something familiar? No, it was more than that. I've met many a beautiful brunette. It had nothing to do with her. Or, I shamefully admit, her amazing head of hair. It was all me.

Everything, is getting worse and more fucked up by the day. I'm starting to drive myself fucking crazy now. I'm trying to let Ana go, and ever since I made the conscious decision to do so, I seem to be reminded of her constantly. Now, it's obvious, that because I'm thinking of her so much, I'm starting to see her in people I encounter.

Fuck. I'm rattled and I don't have a hope in hell of concentrating in my office. Fuck only knows, what expensive, or rash decisions I could make. I need to vent. I need to do what I set out to do, before my run was sent to hell. I need to clear my head.

I stand upright, pushing myself away from the wall and quickly take my bearings. I'm relieved to find, that I'm close to the rear of Grey House.

I swiftly clear the couple of blocks it takes to get me there, and slip quietly into the music store. Ignoring the few customers, and limited Sunday staff who are pottering about. I let myself into the private playing room at the rear of the store, that houses a baby grand.

Sitting on the bench. I don't hesitate as I place my fingers on the keys, and let my frustration flow. I can still feel the lingering, haunting, presence of my tormentor. The ever present shadow of a deceased girl hanging over me, and my doleful, depressing, melody reflects that.

Music, soon fills the small space, and at one time, it was all I would hear, feel, and sense while playing. It protected and cocooned me in my own private world. Now. It can't shield me enough. She's in my head and there's no escaping that.

There's no escaping her.

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