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Chapter Seventeen.

Confusion.

Christian.

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It's been a hellish week. I've hardly slept, and it seems to have put me on edge. More so, than usual. Sleepless nights are nothing new to me, I've always been plagued with them, but some things off.

I've often dreamt of Ana. She'd be older, prettier, married with kids, and have a husband that loved her, but those dreams, were always few and far between. I knew I'd taken those things away from her, my subconscious knew that too, so nightmares, have always been more common in regard to Ana, but not now.

My nightmares, usually end, when the screaming starts and I wake myself up, but how do you stop them, when there is no screaming and you're not even in bed attempting to sleep? I'm tormented during the daylight hours now. I can't seem to avoid the ghost from my past, even when my eyes are wide open and purposefully averted.

The woman I knocked over whilst out jogging and the girl I bumped into at the coffee shop, both seem to be everywhere. They're both, a clear vision of how Ana could look now, and it's like a black cloud following me around. Every time I think her name, she appears, and I'm haunted by her image.

These women, seem to be everywhere I turn. I've actually dreaded leaving my office, and my apartment, over the past few days. I feel like I'm being overshadowed by Ana's presence everywhere I go, and I don't like it. Not one little bit.

I've tried to alter my routine and take countermeasures. I've altered the times that I visit the Grey House Gym, as I've seen her apparition in there. I've changed my running route as I don't want to see the familiar looking runner again. I'm apprehensive, while pounding the familiar streets of a morning. I'm terrified, that I'll see her around every corner.

Thankfully, I haven't.

I also, haven't entered the coffee shop since last Mondays incident, and I have no intention of ever doing so again. I don't know what possessed me to go in there in the first place, it's not somewhere I usually frequent. The coffee may be excellent, but the ques and patrons tend to annoy me. As the other day proved. Ordering up, is always so much easier and something I will ultimately stick to.

I must admit, I did give in one evening after work to the beauty that haunts me. I spotted Ana's look alike, curled up in the window seat of the Grey House Bookstore. She was totally lost and absorbed in what she was reading, and I couldn't pull myself away.

I received a parking ticket for refusing to move, while I sat at the curb watching her read. She was transfixed, completely still, apart from the fingers that were twiddling her hair and her jaw, that was gnawing her plump bottom lip. The book held her, and she held me, completely, for forty minutes, before she lifted her gaze to the room she was in. I was captivated.

I'm drawn to her strangely, but tormented by her familiarity. They say that everyone has a doppleganger somewhere in the world, but why is my worst nightmare here now? It's as if I've stirred something up by paying my respects. My going up north, was obviously a mistake.

Thank God it's Friday, and I can flee to the retreat that is my beach house. I need to spend some down time with Tess, and work off my frustration with Leila who will be arriving this evening.

She, is another torment I could probably do without, but tonight, I truly do need a long session with her. I need to try and expel all this pent up frustration and uncertainty that's building up within me. Before I explode.

Hopefully, I can maintain my concentration with her, for it to last longer than it did last weekend. I need to tire myself out, I need to be truly exhausted. Maybe then, sleep will come, and with it, some much needed respite from this living torment.

I have a feeling, that I might have a repeat performance of last weekend, especially, with Ana, being so prominent in my thoughts.

As pathetic as it sounds, I need Leila, or someone like her, anyway. Many Submissives, have come and gone over the years. Some, I terminated as they crossed lines and pushed to get closer to me. Most, I've tired of, quickly.

None of them, have held my interest for long, but I don't mind Leila. She respects my rules, abides by them, and has never pushed me too far. Until recently that is, anyway.

Lately, she's growing to be an annoyance. I can see the change in her and know her feelings are altering. She still follows my rules to the letter, but I know her lines are blurring. I was seriously considering, renewing her contract again, but I don't think I can face doing that now.

I don't know how much longer I can bear to be around her. She's always been a reminder of Ana, that was her purpose, but now, it's a more painful one. She's far too familiar, but nowhere near enough.

Her presence soothes and stirs me, and I genuinely need her physically this weekend, but she will never be enough.
She will never be Ana.

Even more so now, with seeing Ana's true apparition, everywhere I turn.
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