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Chapter Twenty Three.

Girls night.

Ana.

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Last night, I was uneasy and couldn't settle. I read until my eyes dropped heavily of their own accord, but rest, was very short lived. I just couldn't get Christian out of my head. Or Tess, for that matter. My dreams were driving me crazy, so I decided to head out to the gazebo in the early hours and lose myself with my guitar. It always helps to relax me, and I can quickly and easily lose myself and surroundings while playing.

It was working just fine, until I felt his presence all around me. I never saw him, but I'm certain I felt him. I was so lost in my own head and caught up with the music I was playing that it took a while to sink in, but when it did, I got scared about him seeing me, in virtually my underwear and ran back to the safety of my annex.

Now, I'm thinking of running again. I shouldn't be here. Not today.

I don't know if I want to be this close to Christian, while he's spending his time with Leila. No matter how strange their relationship is, I don't want to watch them interacting today. In theory, it seems like nothing seeing him, seeing them together, but in practice I'm not too sure. My growing feelings of apprehension and doubt are becoming to strong to ignore.

Christian, the man, is creeping into me and I can't allow that to happen. He belongs to Leila, and I don't want to hinder her relationship with him or cause any problems for them. I just don't know what to do because it's hard to stay away from him, and only getting harder. I like this baby step approach. I could become his friend first, gradually get to know him. Then, when the time is right, tell him who I am, but that doesn't feel right either, he needs to know about me. It's so confusing with Leila and my own feelings now involved.

It's Saturday now, and Leila arrived at Christians house about an hour ago. There's been no sign of either of them since she entered, and even though I don't want to know, or even consider for too long what they may be doing, I couldn't help but wonder if he took her straight to bed once she was through the door. I wondered if he blindfolded her, enjoyed her body for hours. Then... Stop. Stop. Stop. Not again. It's not my concern what they do.

To distract myself further, I followed Christian's example and went for a run. Several of them.

No matter what my imagination could conjured up, it didn't torment me enough to leave. My growing curiosity won out the longer Leila remained out of sight. It did help to erase all my nerves not seeing her, so I hung around like the stalker I've become. Plus, I desperately wanted to see Tess again.

Thankfully, the weekend passed quickly and it was surprisingly uneventful. I never saw Leila again. She never once left the house. I never saw her walk the beach, sitting on the deck enjoy the sun, or even appear at a window. I only knew she was there because her car never moved until Sunday. Apart from that, I would never have known.

I saw countless glimpses of Christian over the weekend, because he sure loves to run. Leila's company never hindered him with that. I tried to time it right and be on the beach at the same time he would be, but I swear as soon as he saw me he headed back inside as quick as he could. I wish I knew what was going on in that head of his.

As much as I loved knowing Christian was close and enjoyed watching him and Tess, I welcomed their departure on Sunday afternoon. The respite was immediate. Just knowing Leila was with him made me uncomfortable, even if I never saw them together. I did notice that they didn't say goodbye to each other publicly. He left at about 9am and Leila left just after lunch. A buzz cut in a suit and a young woman, turned up late afternoon and I know now from the updated info I have from Will, that the girl is the live-in dog sitter, Sarah, and her house security, Luke.

I decided to continue renting the annex for another few weeks. I enjoy the tranquillity of the beach and it's helped curb my visits to Grey House because the beach holds it's own charm. I've found that it's becoming far to compulsive to spend all my time in Christian's habitat. It's been good for me to vary my routine and to get out and about a bit over the past few days. Plus, I've been trying to get to know Christian's house sitter, for more access to Tess, but she's very allusive.

It's Tuesday now and it's been strange, knowing that Christian's not at home. I keep expecting him to step out onto the deck, so I definitely need to escape the beach for a bit, but I'm unsure, if how I plan on spending my night is such a good idea.

It's almost certifiable.

I'm a bundle of nerves as I'm on my way to Kate and Leila's apartment, and I'm terrified. Kate, called me early this morning, inviting me over tonight with orders to bring wine and plenty of it. I guess 'Operation, Leila' is a go because Kate thinks her and Christian's relationship will be ending sooner rather than later. So time is of the essence. According to Kate.

I also received a call from Will, not long after. He's managed to get me a job interview at Grey House, for this coming Thursday afternoon. A friend of his who works in the building, owed him a favour, so he utilized that and got me a way in. Just getting a foot into the building is appreciated at this point, so no matter what the position offered, I'm going to apply for it. Will, urged me to stay calm and just be myself, but dress to impress. I'm going to use the card Taylor gave me and buy something noticeable. Something to make me stand out.

As I arrive at Kate's apartment, I feel my nerves ease as Kate introduces me to Leila as if she's known me for years. Leila, is already tipsy, so my anxiety dissipates and I blend right in after her friendly welcome.

Up close, Leila is very pretty. She has dark hair, an oval shaped face and beautiful, deep brown eyes. She's petite, well defined, and you can tell easily that she's a regular gym goer. Even though I don't know her, I can tell that she's being overly quiet and is somewhat distracted.

We order Chinese throw on a movie and an hour soon passes. An hour, were Leila is curled up on the couch, eating, drinking and only speaking when directly spoken too. I feel like I'm intruding with her sombre attitude, but Kate assures me not to worry. According to Kate, she's sulking, and this is something she does often after spending time Christian.

Kate, knows her room mate well and keeps her glass topped up. Once the wine we're sharing seeps into her bloodstream, and mine, Leila begins to open up. Once she's relaxed and her tongue has loosened, we couldn't keep her quiet.
Which wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Kate, steered our conversation to sex. Playfully and shamelessly, regaling us with tails from her youth, and Leila, soon jumped in. Apparently, she likes it rough and a bit kinky, she's also had quite a few men in her life. Who would have thought?

Some of the things she shared with us about what that she likes to do, and have done to her, will undoubtedly stay with me forever, and not in a good way. She's careful, despite her inebriated state, mentioning no names, or gives too much away, while she divulges information about her sex life and grumbles about the man that's in it. The man, who she's fallen in love with, but knows, will never love her back.

"My man, does like a bit of variety." Leila brags, smiling serenely with glazed eyes. I can't help but cringe at the mental images her words from earlier have portrayed in my head. "He isn't dark enough for me though," she says off-handedly. Her words should shock me, but I think her sudden blasé attitude is just for show, and her own self preservation and protection. "It's probably for the best that this ends now." Leila mutters, suddenly sounding very despondent.

The alcohol she's consumed is clearly messing with her emotions, and she's no doubt trying hard to prepare herself for what she knows is coming. It must be so hard being unable to confide in anyone. Christian doesn't like her talking about them, so what can she do? I smile compassionately as her eye catches mine, because I really do sympathise and feel for her.

No woman should be made to feel like this. No woman should carry this amount of worry for her man. No matter what problems people carry with them, no matter what people have to go through, there should always be honest communication and flexibility within a relationship.

Listening to Leila over the past hour or two has proven that there's nothing even resembling that in there relationship. There seems to be a lot of rules and restrictions laid down by Christian, and no room for flexibility once again, Christian's decision. Leila, doesn't have a chance, and I seriously want to kick Christian's ass right now for treating her like this.

"You really do love him, don't you?" I ask. Myself, now unhindered by wine. She nods quickly and Kate lifts her eyebrow at me in warning as she sees my watery eyes and the compassionate look on my face.

"What's not to love." Leila says with a soft sigh, and I hear Kates chuff of contempt.

Kate, rolls her eyes at her comment as she refills our wine glasses, but Leila is oblivious. Knowing, who Leila is spending time with is hard for Kate to keep to herself. Since I told her who it is, she's had time to reflect on their relationship, and with what she knows through Leila, she's convinced that Leila's not nearly in love as she's made out.

She believes, that Leila has put up with their relationship for as long as she has because of Christian's power and wealth. She recalls all the things that Leila's said in the beginning about trying to get more from him emotionally, and the many things that Christian has bought her over the past year or so to compensate for being unable to do that. Kate, also remembers all the times she's used that to accquire more from him.

Leila's told Kate things that I'm not sure she's aware of, and things I will never know or understand. As tonight has proven, Leila can't hold her tongue once alcohol is involved. It's left a bitter taste in Kate's mouth as she never realized Leila was so shallow. Her opinion of her is probably right, but Leila seems so besotted and genuinely hurt to me, but Kate knows her better than I do, I suppose. And I have been drinking.

"Is he good to you?" I utter softly, barely able to hide my burning curiosity.

I don't need, or really want to know, about her and Christian's sex life. I want to know about the man I can't get close too. The man, the boy has become. The man I want to get to know, the man that she knows.

I feel Kate's eyes on me once again, so I pick up my glass and hold my tongue. It's weird, being this close to Christian's girlfriend. Leila, seems really nice and I genuinely like her. I should feel guilty being here, knowing that I'm lying to her and prying into her business, but I don't. The alcohol, certainly helps with that.

No matter how crazy and overstepping the mark this is, I feel like I need to be here. I need to be near her, to know her, to ultimately and selfishly, understand Christian more, but do I want to know this side of him? He's breaking her heart.

"He gives me everything I ask for," she says with a shoulder shrug. "I'd have a good life with him." Leila continues confidently in reply to my prying. Her eyes begin to glow and I catch a glimpse of the materialistic side of her that Kate has spoken about.

"How so?" Kate pipes up to egg her on. Even though she knows damn well what type of life Christian Grey could give her. I think she's trying to trip her up.

Kate was awed, for a split second, when I revealed Christian's name to her. Then suddenly, very protective of him, once she realized what he went through in his youth. What he is still going through as a man.

"I've told you before Kate, my boyfriend is a very successful business man. He lives a rich and lavish lifestyle, so would I." Leila states salaciously, and Kate nods knowingly.

"Is that enough though?" I question out loud.

"For now, yes. I know he likes me and he could grow to love me." Leila says, suddenly sounding hopefully. I nod compassionately, my drunken support for her rising. Kate tuts loudly and both our eyes turn to her.

"Oh, come on lee." Kate snaps, clearly having had enough of the pretence. "When are you going to wake up and smell the coffee? You've been with this man for over a year now and nothing has changed. How can you believe you love him and how can he grow to love you, when he never spends any real time with you or takes you anywhere? He may buy you everything you heart desires and fucks you into next week, but it all means nothing if you can't touch him?" Kate snipes. Her anger and frustration getting the better of her. Leila instantly looks defensive.

"Why is he so restrictive and controlling with you, Leila?" I interrupt, asking the question that's been driving me crazy and trying to defuse the growing animosity that's building around me.

Leila sighs heavily as she looks at us both, clearly resigned and agitated. "Everything you've said is true Kate, but it's complicated. You know I can't talk about him with you, he wouldn't like me to, but you're wrong about so many things, Kate."

"I doubt that." Kate snaps.

"I may not be able to touch him but that doesn't mean we can't be close. I can't speak freely but that doesn't mean we can't converse and share things. He's very busy Kate, only his weekends are available to me, I accept that and his gifts are his way of saying sorry." Kate rolls her eyes at the reasoning she's probably heard many times before, but I'm all ears. "I know you think our relationship is odd Kate, and I've always been grateful for you support, but you don't understand him at all. You don't understand our relationship at all..."

"Neither do you. All your relationship is, is sex, Leila. When are you going to see that?" Kate utters, clearly frustrated.

"I understand him better than you think, Kate." Leila says sharply to defend herself.

"He blindfolds you Leila, he doesn't even want to look at you when he's screwing you." Kate says harshly, throwing a low blow and we both see Leila cringe.

"That's so I don't look at him and see..." Leila snaps back reflexively, before catching herself.

"What? What doesn't he want you to see, Leila?" Kate throws back quickly, baiting her, using her agitation against her.

I know what Kate's doing. Even though she has my story behind her and I've told her what I think Christian carries with him from that fateful night we shared. Having actual confirmation from Leila, will certainly back up my story and reaffirm her belief in helping me. Helping a stranger that she's only just met. Leila she's known for a long time, and she's trying to help me get close to her boyfriend.

"He has burns on his skin Kate, and he's scared that I'll see them and turn away from him. Now drop it." Leila snaps. Sounding very pissed and regretful at being unable to control her temper and revealing too much.

Kate and I share a look, and I see the brief flash of awe in confirmation that everything I told her was true, flash across her eyes. Not that there was every any real doubt, I don't think, but like me, he has a reminder of that night. I absentmindedly, rub my hand over the indentation on my chest, as Kate smiles knowingly. Leila continues, oblivious to our shared moment.

"How did he get them?" Kate asks quietly.

Leila sighs heavily. She's lived with Kate long enough to know that she wont give up on this. I've only known her for a short time and she is one of the most adamant people I've ever met. Leila has no chance of keeping this to herself now.
"My boyfriend, he carries scars on his body. From what I know, he was involved in a car accident when he was young, but he never talks about it. I've never seen his body properly, he's always clothed, but it's true, when we're together, he likes me to keep my eyes averted or he will cover them," I catch Leila's eye and I see her frustration.

What it must be like to be with someone as built as Christian, and not be able to touch him. To not be able to run you nails down those washboard abs, and... I shake my head to clear the vision I've conjured up as Leila continues.

"It's quiet erotic, not being able to see what he's doing. I trust him, he's a very considerate lover." Leila explains.

"Lee," Kate says, sounding exasperated. "There has to be more than just sex in a relationship. When, are you going to realise that?" Kate asks, shaking her head.

"The sex, is obviously important to him Kate, he's a man, but it's not vital, and I know there'll be more between us once I tell him how I feel, and I'm going to tell him." Leila talks quickly trying to justify, but I see Kate shake her head in my peripheral. "Things will change once I'm honest with him. He'll see that we..." her voice is rising the more she talks, and her reply is rushed. She's trying to be convincing but it's not working.

"Leila, don't do that to yourself, please," Kate says softly. "Your boyfriend, he really doesn't feel the same way you do, you have to face that." Kate says firmly, her voice holding no anger at all now. "Think about what you have with him, how he treats you, what you share with him, and be honest with yourself, Leila. Will it change once he knows you love him?" she says softly. Like the friend she's become over the time they've lived together.

Leila sighs heavily as her eyes begin to water. She picks up her wine glass and drains it quickly. Not looking at either of us. My heart bleeds for her, because she really has fallen for him. It doesn't matter in what shape or form, it must hurt her so much not being able to be herself and just talk and touch him freely.

Knowing Christian's history like I do, I can understand why he does all of this now, and whether Leila realizes it or not, she doesn't stand a chance of breaking down his walls. They're six feet thick and all she has in her arsenal is a toffee hammer.

I sit back and let my mind wander leaving Kate to it, and her calling is clear. She is definitely a born journalist. Within a span of Ten minutes, Kate has asked Leila a series of questions that have her doubting everything she knows. Having forced her to think about everything closely she now knows it's going to end, and her confession will do her no good at all.

My ears prick up when I hear Leila mention this past weekend at the beach house. My curiosity is piqued and I listen closely. I really want to know where she was and why she never left the house at all.

"...but he doesn't really sleep Kate, that has to hinder and effect him." Leila states, and I'm curious as to what I've missed. "Even this weekend he was agitated and more withdrawn than normal. He only slept with me on arrival and then we hardly spent anytime together. Apart from sharing our meals, I never really saw him. He was either out running or hidden away in his office. I just busied myself in my room." Leila finishes, her voice quiet and melancholy.

"That, right there, should tell you all you need to know about how your boyfriend really feels about you, Leila. He hadn't seen you in a week but was tired of you after only an hour. You shouldn't waste anymore time on him." Kate says, and I bite my lip to hide my chuckle as I hear a slight slur to her voice. "You'll never get close to him." she states knowingly.

Leila shakes her head and frowns as she curses under her breath. She's clearly annoyed and the wine is aiding her frustration. "I might have a chance of getting near him if I wore a fur coat." Leila mutters and Kate and I both look at her questioningly.

She rolls her eyes, placing her wine glass down before standing. "The only thing that gets close to him, who he lets get close to him, is that bloody dog of his. He spends so much time with that manky mutt it's ridiculous, he even talks to the thing. How can you love a fucking dog?" Leila mutters, and without waiting for an answer she wishes us both a goodnight and walks, slightly jelly legged, out of the room to bed.

Kate and I, share a look as the excitement in us both begins to grow. We hold it together until we hear Leila's bedroom door shut, then laughter overtakes us both.
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