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Chapter Twenty Four.

Confessions.

Christian.

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As I step onto the crowded elevator, I bite out a curse at the people I have to share space with. I have no one to blame but myself for being forced to do this. It's by my own hand, literally, that I'm stuck in here, riding this suffocating sweat box with all these strangers while mine is under repair.

Rubbing my fist with my palm, I can still feel the sting of pain where my knuckles are bruised. Punching the control panel in mine yesterday, probably wasn't a good idea, but the rage and frustration had built up within me and I needed to vent. I thought I saw the girl from my dreams heading into the bookstore as my car entered the garage, but after instructing Taylor to circle the block so I could have another look, I found it wasn't her and it brought me to boiling point.

I'm hardly surprised that I'm seeing things. I haven't been able to sleep properly since leaving the beach house on Sunday. I just can't get my mind and body back in sync, or get the flashbacks of a grown up Ana, and the tune that now seems to accompany her, out of my head. It's so fucking tiring. I have this strange urge to go back to the beach but I really need to be in the city right now. I feel so torn. Constantly.

While I ponder, the elevator doors slide open to reveal the human resources floor, it surprises me because I didn't even realize we were moving. The floor is awash with candidates for the positions available in the accounts departments and I can't help but sigh, exasperated. I scan the sea of clones, all seated side by side filling in the standard NDA's and employment forms. They're all adorned in power suits, and whether they are male or female, they all have one thing in common. Cold, hungry, eyes.

As the doors begin to slide shut, a girl stands and heads over to the reception desk with her completed forms. I see a brunette head, a flash of vivid, blood red, and I'm swamped with memories and engulfed with a sickening feeling. My heart pounds erratically as my throat beings to tighten, and I know I'm now holding my breath.

As the doors close and my vision is obscured, I can finally let go of the painful breath that's been trapped in my lungs. I notice Taylor sly eying me, but he holds his tongue as I try and pull myself together in this confined box.

As soon as the doors open on my floor, my feet begin to move. I stride purposefully towards my office, ignoring Andrea, who stands and prepares to follow me. I turn to face Taylor as I reach my office, not surprised in the least that he's still on my heels.

"Get rid of her." I growl, the vibration scraping the back of my dry throat.

"Who? Sir." Taylor asks, sounding slightly bemused.

"The interviewee. The girl in the red shirt." I snap, my voice sounding as if it should be obvious.

"Why?" he uncharacteristically questions, and my eyes and demeanour harden at his defiance and having to explain myself.

What the fuck can I tell him?

"It doesn't fucking matter why, just do it. Do it now." I yell, before slamming my office door in his face.

Before I've even reached my desk, there's a timid knock on the solid wooden door behind me. "Not now, Andrea." I bark out in frustration, but ease, when I hear her retreating heels on the marble floor as she scurries back to her desk.

I reach mine, fall heavily into my office chair and lay my forehead on the cool thick glass. "There's just no fucking escaping that night." I mumble, my breath frosting the glass and warming my cheek. My eyes close as I let my body and mind rest.

Just when I thought a reprieve was in sight. Just when I thought there was a glimmer of hope of escape, it hits me, and it hits me hard. I knew the Ana of my dreams was just that, a dream. The Ana I deserve and have to live with is the painful reminder that's haunting me everywhere I turn. If I'm starting to actually see her in the sanctuary of my building, then I know I'm truly and utterly fucked.

"There will never be any escaping her... Fuck." I curse as I lift my head.

Every corner of this building is already under the shadow of Ana and her tormenting clones. Now, she's seeping her way in further. She's climbing the floors one by one. There seems to be no reprieve at all from her or what I did. It's as if she won't stop, as if she won't be satisfied, until I'm standing precariously on the roof.

I rise to my feet and head into my private bathroom, eager to clear my head. Filling the sink with water I swill my face before leaning heavily on the counter top. I feel my body begin to calm, but the sheen of sweat I can still feel lingering on my face and neck is grating. I rinse again before looking up and homing in on my refection. I don't know what I expected to see, but the dull, tired eyes and frustration etched deep into my skin is hardly surprising.

"Pull yourself together, Grey." I snarl to myself, before drying off and heading back into my office.

Sitting at my desk, I open up my email and mentally jump right in. I'm prepared to lose myself, forget and distract, but it's futile and the numbers are soon swimming. I just can't concentrate. I'm annoyed and riled with myself for letting her forever lingering presence torment me, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't run from my own head.

I push myself away from my desk before standing. My chair, sliding and hitting the glass wall violently behind me, but I pay it no mind as I storm towards the door. Pulling it open, I continue my determined march straight towards the elevators. Andrea jumps to her feet as I pass her but I don't pause to meet her wide, questioning eyes.

"Inform Taylor, to meet me at home once he's caught up with everything." I say sharply, without even looking her way.

"Yes, Sir." Is all she is smart enough to murmur.

"Oh, for fucks sake."

Leaves my lips as I catch sight of the, 'Out Of Order' sign hanging on my elevator door. I have no desire to use one of the public elevators again, so I head straight for the stairs.

Heading through reception, I march directly onto the street and luckily, manage to grab a passing cab. Taylor, will curse me to high heaven for not waiting for him or at least driving myself, but I'm far too preoccupied to drive and far too impatient to wait. I can't linger in my building. I can't risk seeing the painful vision in red again.

Sitting in the back of the cab, I stretch out my legs as best I can, hoping to soothe and ease the burning in my calf muscles from the stairs I've just descended. The physical exercise has done me some good, so I use the fatigue to close my eyes and attempt to switch off.

Despite the mid-morning traffic, I'm soon home and only when I enter Escala, do I feel like I'm free of the shadow that's constantly clouding me. I can finally breathe.

Striding into the kitchen, I snap the word 'Coffee' as Gail's eyes meet mine. She's clearly surprised by my arrival and soon showing her concern. I can't help but notice how she looks past me, seeking out Taylor, before switching on the coffee machine.

Brushing past her, I take a seat at the breakfast bar, rest my head on my crossed arms, and try to ignore her as she begins to hover around me. I can feel her curiosity, her growing concern, her never waning compassion for me, and it only brings my mood down further.

"Sir, is everything okay?" Gail enquirers gently, but I can't find my voice to answer her. "Is Jason not with you?" she adds, when I make no attempt to reply.

"He's on his way." I mutter as I right myself in my chair.

I look up as Gail places a cup of coffee in front of me. "Thank you." I say with a grateful, heavy sigh. Fuck, I need this warmth and caffeine hit. I feel so drained and lethargic, yet the day has only just begun.

"You're very welcome, Sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?" she asks politely, but looks at me quizzically for just a tad too long.

"No. Nothing can be done." I mumble, before breaking eye contact with her and picking up my cup.

"Sir. What's troubling you? Maybe I can help." Gail asks gently, as the silence grows between us. I can feel her trepidation for speaking out of turn, but strangely, I welcome it.

"I'm just so tired, Gail." I confess, feeling the weight of my own words and not caring that I'm letting my guard down.

"Go, get some rest." she suggests with a smile.

"I wish it was that simple, but I can't find rest...There's never any respite or reprieve from it." I mutter, sounding defeated and sullen.

"Your dreams?" Gail whispers. Mentioning the unmentionable. I attempt a simple shrug in confirmation, but Gail wants more and pats my hand comfortingly until I meet her eye. "What else is bothering you? Sir." she asks, and my brow rises at her intuition. She smiles encouragingly at me and the words are out of my mouth before I can restrain them.

"There's a girl..." Is all I'm able to say before her eyes widen in clear excitement.

Ignoring her reaction, and my resistance, I reveal all before I can stop myself. "This girl...she's hounding me. I keep seeing her everywhere I go. I think it's the same girl but I can't be sure. We've met while running, I've spilt a drink on her, and she seems to haunt every corner of Grey House. Even today, she..."

"Have you spoken to her?" Gail interrupts me as she sits down opposite me, making herself comfortable.

I shake my head as I think back to the numerous, painful encounters I've had since stirring up this hornets nest. The anniversary of the accident seems like a life time ago, now. It's been totally overshadowed by the intensified pain I've felt ever since.

"There was also a girl at the beach this weekend...she was petting Tess." I add, pausing for effect, enjoying the sudden bewilderment growing on Gail's face.

"Tess, accepted her?" Gail asks, knowing Tess's fickle attitude towards strangers. Her smile grows as I nod to confirm.

Suddenly, Gail frowns. "You scalded the poor girl?" Gail exclaims as what I mentioned to her earlier sinks in. I shake my head as my eyes roll.

"I did, but that's not important right know. She's driving me crazy, Gail. I see her everywhere I turn, and I can't get her out of my head long enough to think clearly. She..."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing, Sir." Gail eases. "If you like her, then your obviously going to think about her. You shouldn't be afraid of approaching her, or..."

"There's more to it than that, Gail." I mutter, putting a stop to her enthusiastic rampage.

"How so?" she asks. "Tell me." she urges, after a few minutes of silence.

Where do I start with all of this? She'll think I'm crazy, once I tell her in detail about the encounters I've had over the past few weeks. How do I explain how they've lingered and effected me...without revealing my darkest secret?

I don't think I can.

"Start at the beginning." Gail utters gently, as if she understands and knows what's running through my head right now. Her canniness is strangely comforting, but I'm still reluctant to divulge too much.

"Every since the anniversary of the accident, I've seen her everywhere. As I said earlier, I can't be certain it's the same girl every time, but...whenever I see her, or think I see her, I'm overwhelmed with everything from the night of the crash. The night I lost my father comes flooding back like a tidal wave and it floors me...but ever since I spoke to the girl at the beach, my dreams have changed and I..."

"Forgive me, Sir." Gail interrupts my unhindered ramblings. "But, I don't understand. How can meeting a girl, bring back the pain of losing your father?"

I stare at her, unsure of how to explain about Ana, without actually revealing what I did that fateful night. I come up with nothing. There's no other way. I have to tell her. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Mr Grey." Gail encourages, her voice no more than a whisper. It sooths me to the bone.

I have to do this. I have to be honest with her. It'll help me, I'm sure of it. Even though this situation feels uncomfortable, the thought of talking to Gail about this actually feels right. I know I can trust Gail with my entire shameful past. Her whole persona is open, trustworthy, motherly, and John, is still of fucking vacation.

I've kept this secret to myself for years and it's gotten me nowhere. I need to talk about this and get it off my chest once and for all. I've held onto it for so long that it's more than just a part of me now, it controls me, and I'm sick of it. Taking a deep breath and looking her square in the eye, I do something I have never done before and openly bear my soul.

"Something happened that night... the night my father died." I begin quietly. "The driver of the car we hit and my father, weren't the only fatalities that night...somebody else died and nobody knows." my voice is low and pained and I can't help but pause as I think over what I'm about to share with her.

Gail's eyes widen curiously, and I can see the intrigue behind her initial shock. I swig off the rest of my coffee, allowing the action and the heat to ease the growing doubts I have. I lock my eyes onto Gail's once again as I open my mouth, and for the next fifteen minutes they don't leave hers.

I tell her everything.

I watch the shock, the horror, the pain and devastation she feels cross her face as my story unfolds, with all the gory details. By the time I've told her all about the accident and how I met, then killed, a beautiful child, her eyes are weeping and her face is filled with sorrow.

"The girl I see, the girl that's torturing me everywhere I go, is how I imagine the girl I killed would look...if, she'd of had the chance to reach adulthood." I explain as Gail dabs at her eyes with the handkerchief I pass to her. "I killed her Gail, and ever since I visited the crash site I've seen her everywhere I turn. I awoke something within myself that's growing stronger by the day and I don't know if I can live with her ghost any longer. It's..."

"It was an accident, Mr Grey." Gail interrupts, despite her sniffling. "You where a young boy and did your best in a traumatic situation to help her. You can't be held..."

"She died by my hand, Gail." I interrupt, sharply. "I killed her, whether it was an accident or not. A child lost her life because of me and I've never told anyone. Not my mother or my siblings, not even John. It's like she never existed. I can't escape the pain of that, or her. I don't deserve too." my voice has weakened and my eyes have left Gail's by the time I've finished my rant.

The room is suddenly very uncomfortable, and eerily silent.

Gail, doesn't say a word as she stands and composes herself. She turns on her heel as she blows her nose and I think she's going to leave, utterly disgusted with me, but she surprises me by heading back over to the coffee machine. I hold my tongue and watch her every move as she makes more coffee. For two, his time.

What is she thinking? What does she think of me, now that she knows I'm a murderer? Will she share my secret with Taylor? Will they both leave? God, I hope not. I'd be lost without them both. I hang on tenterhooks while Gail completes her task. After what feels like an age, Gail sits back down in front of me, pushing a cup my way. I'm very wary to look at her, but when I do, her face is now free of tears and she's smiling softly at me. I return her smile. Relieved that she's still here.

"What was her name?" she asks. Her eyes, kind and understanding.

"Ana." I breathe. My voice full of my relief.

"Ana?" Gail questions me with a small quirk of her eyebrow. I simply nod. "What do these girls you're seeing, look like?" she asks, her smile widening as she studies me closely.

I sit in front of her, mirroring her smile and suddenly feel so much lighter. Relieved by my confession and by her curiosity. It's as if just sharing this with her has eased the pressure that was building within me and released the weight I've been burdened with for so long. I never wanted to share this, never wanted to admit to anybody what I did to another human being, but it feels good to have confessed. Gail is still sat here, wanting to hear more. She shows no outward signs of hatred towards me, no disappointment in me.

Nothing.

The relief is immense.

"The girl I knocked to the ground while out running, and the girl that I met at the beach with Tess, were both facially hidden." I continue on eagerly, pausing, only when I notice Gail's confused frown. "They both wore hats and shades." I quickly explain. "So, obviously, I haven't seen them clearly, but the girl I barged into at the coffee shop and the girl I ran home from today, well, she's beautiful, just like I imagine Ana would be. Her hair is dark, her eyes are blue, and she has the most beautiful flush to her skin when..."

I glance up at Gail, who's eyes are sparkling and drilling into mine. She's trying to hide a very wide, excited, grin behind her coffee cup, but it's not working. I continue on with an embarrassed smile as I look back down at my own cup. Which I'm now cradling protectively in my hands. Ignoring Gail's giddy, female enthusiasm, I open up about my visions and feelings for my long lost, Ana.

"She looks different every time in a way, but the terrifying thing is, I'm seeing her in other people now. It doesn't matter if it's only a glimpse, or if I cross paths with her briefly, I feel her. It's strange but I do. I see her, and everything from that night hits me, the pain, the regret, the guilt. What I did to her hurts so much, but... In my dreams she's different. Our situation is different. I can't explain it, my dreams are so disjointed and I find it hard to remember the exact details, but I know it's Ana." I lift my eyes from my cup and search out Gail's. "There's no pain accompanying them, Gail."

She smiles up at me, her face full of delight and excitement. She's such a compassionate woman. "How have these girls reacted to your brief encounters?" she asks me. Her face, now showing something more than just interest and general curiosity.

I chuckle, then sigh deeply and exasperated, thinking of the girl I left stunned on the ground, the one covered in hot chocolate. Not to mention the girl I was rude and abrupt with on the beach, and today, the unfortunate one I fired before she even had a chance to obtain steady employment.

"They've all had a varying degree of the same response, they freeze, but it's hardly surprising. I get very angry and defensive during these encounters, so I don't help the situation at all." I hear Gail chuckle softly and offer her a one shoulder shrug in my defense. "The girl must hate me." I mutter out loud.

"I doubt that, Sir. But next time you see her, talk to her." Gail states firmly, and I shake my head at the mere thought. "She might...still be at Grey House." Gail adds, sounding hopeful.

"She would have vacated the building by now...that's, what Taylor has been dealing with." I admit to her, feeling a little ashamed of myself.

"Why did you send her away? It could have been the perfect opportunity to talk to her." Gail states, and it almost sounds like she's scolding me.

"Gail, have you not listened to a word I've said? I can't think straight when she's close." I reminder her sharply.

"You can't think straight while you're apart." she retorts just as quick, and I can't help but share her uncontrolled, embarrassed chuckle.

"That maybe true, and I admit that I do act irrationally whenever I've seen her, but it's instinctual. It can't be helped. Seeing her, is so painful that it can bring me to my knees. Literally. I lose all rhyme and reason at the mere sight of her. My first instinct is to distance myself from it. From her. I don't think I can be around her and not be floored, Gail. It's uncontrollable."

Gail smiles up at me sympathetically, but then her eyes harden and gleam. "You've never had a problem controlling anything before, Sir." she states, far too smugly. Clearly pleased with herself for pointing out who I am at my core. My true self. My eyes involuntarily roll at her comment.

"Maybe now that we've spoken, you could try. Face the fact and embrace the idea that the next time you see her, you have to talk to her. Maybe if... " I interrupt Gail immediately, because her voice holds far too much hope.

Does this woman not know me at all? She's encouraging me do something that I've never done before as if it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do.

"I don't know if I will see her again, Gail, and even if I..."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll see her again, Sir." Gail states, talking over me. "And going on past events, I don't think you'll have to wait very long." she adds chuckling softly to herself.

I stare at her as she holds my gaze with bright, eager, knowing eyes, and my heart suddenly pounds at the idea of seeing the girl again.

Suddenly, our moment is dissolved by the ringing of a phone. Gail, immediately pulls her phone from her pocket and her eyes light up when she sees who's calling. She excuses her self and quickly rises from her seat to answer it, but not before patting me tenderly on the back of the hand. It's such a motherly and heart warming gesture that it sends a wave of calm right through me.

"You can do it, Sir." she says softly, her smile, still on her face as she heads out of the room to take her call. "Just talk to her." she calls out, just before she disappears out of sight. My eyes linger on the empty door way.

What just happened?

I reveal all to Gail, expecting hatred and desertion, and what do I get? A giggling woman. A woman, who's eagerly awaiting and encouraging my first date. I will never understand women, but maybe she's right. Next time I see this girl, if there is a next time, I'll attempt to talk to her.

The thought of seeing Ana's clone, never mind initiating a conversation with her, excites and terrifies me at the same time, but Gail has faith in me. I should, No, I will, have faith in myself. How hard can it be?

I've brought down the toughest of men. Bargained, bartered and fought for the best deals. I've spoken publicly more times than I can remember. I've accomplished everything I've ever set my mind too. I've dealt with my sister, Mia, for fucks sake. Holding myself together long enough to talk to a girl should be a piece of cake.

Shouldn't it?

Somehow, with my history, I don't think it's going to be as easy as Gail or I hope.

This is Ana, after all, and with the realisation of what could possibly happen, my stomach rolls with dread.

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