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Chapter Twenty Six.
Decisions.
Christian.
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Cruising comfortably towards the beach house, I use the time and space to mentally rake over the past twenty four hours. Only now, after I've had time to adjust to the emotional turmoil I caused myself, do I pause to reflect on it.
I was caught up with my piano, lost in my own head, when Taylor returned home from doing my dirty work for me. He marched from the elevator with his eyes full of questions and his usual set determination. My tranquil spell was broken the second he approached me.
"Sir..." he began urgently.
"Did she leave?" I interrupt him quietly. Ignoring his inquisitive and penetrative gaze.
I remember feeling strangely emotional and physically drained after sharing my past with Gail. I didn't want to talk about it again so soon. I was slumped over the keys of my piano, holding my breath. Unsure, of what I wanted his answer to be.
"Yes." he replied.
It shocked me at the time that he looked and sounded almost remorseful. It was probably anger and frustration, caused by his lack of knowledge and what I'd instructed him to do. So I ignored his uncharacteristic tone.
The silence that emanated between us as that one word hung in the air was awkward and stagnant. When I looked up at him, I felt like he could see right through me, could see me from the inside out. I saw his interest grow in me the longer I held my tongue.
"Sir, do you know her?" he asked me.
I remember his words being slow, controlled, and meaningful. His eyes, were creased, suspicious and delving. I was hardly surprised. The way I behaved in the elevator was a far cry from normal behaviour. He's in no way stupid and no doubt confused and intrigued by my anger, reaction and irrational decisions today.
In answer to his question, I shook my head at him in truth, because I don't know her. Just because she reminds me of someone I lost, doesn't mean I know her. Doesn't mean I know any of the women that have tormented me recently.
"You're certain, you don't know her?" he repeated slowly. Once again I shook my head.
"What about the woman you encountered in the coffee shop?" he asks me right out. His tone curious and direct.
I remember looking at him. Feeling the hope behind my surprise at his blatant questioning of me.
"No. I'd never seen her before that day, but now, she's... do you think they're the same person?" I asked him, my voice sounding hopeful.
I wanted him to confirm my sanity, wanted him to be able to see the similarity between them, because if he could, then I wasn't just seeing what I wanted to see in women that held a slight resemblance to Ana.
"I'm convinced it's the same person." he stated and despite the frustrated tightening of his jaw, I was eased by his assessment.
I'm still eased by his assessment.
It confirms that I haven't been imagining all of this. Proves, that I haven't been slowly driving myself crazy over the past few weeks. The girl I'm seeing, is obviously just a girl that lives and works locally. The only reason I notice, and react to her so erratically and irrationally is because of her striking resemblance to Ana. Nothing more.
"Sir, I've instructed Welch to gather background on her. I strongly suggest that you call her and..." Taylor continued firmly, and even though I'm surprised by his suggestion, I couldn't be tempted.
Well, that's a lie. For just a fraction of a second I was tempted, my curiosity in her is obviously piqued but I couldn't.
The girl at Grey House today, she's the girl that haunts me and is the constant, painful reminder of what I did. She's not the one that soothes me, eases me. I want to find the girl from the beach. The girl that's invaded my head and took over my dreams. The girl that Tess responded too and trusts. Not the girl that brings me to my knees every time I catch a glimpse of her.
I've held onto Ana's image for long enough. Been tormented by it for long enough. My dreams are showing me a way to evolve. I need a new face to fill my mind, new eyes to look into. I need to find out who's behind the sunhat and shades. That's, who I need to find.
My foot, eagerly propels the car further forward with that tempting thought.
"That won't be necessary, Taylor." I instruct him strongly. Wanting this conversation to be over, wanting the whole day to be over. Wanting sleep.
I remember feeling tired, overwhelmed and doubt was creeping in over what I'd revealed to Gail. It felt like I'd awoken an emotional hornets nest within myself, and I didn't want to discuss things further with Taylor.
I still don't want to discuss things with Taylor.
"Sir. I think we should talk about this." Taylor tries to insist. "The girl today, she said..."
"The girl today doesn't matter, Taylor." I interrupt him.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I don't agree. We need to discuss what she.."
"No, we don't Taylor." I snap, finding it hard to rein in my rising irritation in him.
"Sir, Who is she to you?" he asks me adamantly, determined to get to the bottom of this.
"Nobody." I reply with a deep frustrated sigh.
Rising from my piano, I prepare to head for my bedroom.
"Sir, what has passed between you both?" he demands as I step away from him.
"Nothing, nothing has passed between us." I state. "I don't know her, Taylor." I tell him honestly. "Now, drop it." I demand, using a tone that indicates this conversation is now over.
I storm to my room, dismissing him, before he could delve any deeper.
I've dismissed him a lot over the past twenty four hours. Him and Gail.
Taylor, has accepted it graciously, he knows better than to speak out of turn, but I can tell that he's pissed, curious and eager to talk. Gail, just keeps smiling at me.
Even now, I still don't want to talk to Taylor. Still don't know what to tell him, how to tell him. How do I explain my pain, my frustration, my reaction to the girl yesterday? I never understand what I'm seeing, never mind what I'm feeling. It was hard enough admitting to myself what she invokes in me. It was hard enough confessing it all to Gail. How do I explain to Taylor, that the girl I keep seeing is a clear vision of my own personal hell?
Not only did I kill her clone, but I killed her father...my father, and she reminds me of that constantly. How can I tell him that she plagues me, that I see her in everyone, everywhere I turn? I can't, so I'm taking the easy way out. I'm hoping Gail will confide and share my confession with him... so I, won't have too. Once she has, maybe then I'll talk to Taylor, but I don't feel ready yet.
I don't feel confident enough talking to him about this, he doesn't hold the same gentle persona as his wife. What good would it do to rehash it out with him, anyway? It's not like she's a security risk or anything. I'm not even on her radar. She, just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Half of the time, she doesn't even notice me when I notice her. So I have no immediate need to discuss my past with Taylor. I see no point. He can't do anything to help or change anything.
"Nothing can be done, nothing can be changed."
Ironically, John's spoken words, said to me so many times over the years, resound on a loop in my head. I've finally realised that he's right. Oh, I could really do with seeing him right now, even if he would just probably gloat for a while. He picked an awful time to take a six week cruise. Not that I begrudge him this time away with his family, I don't, I could just really use his insight right about now.
Today, I've considered for the first time, being totally open and honest with him. I've also considered increasing my sessions with him once he returns home. I really feel the need to share more with him. We've discussed the accident quite a bit over the years, of course we have. He's never been surprised that I've had nightmares about it. He even forewarned me that I'd probably dream more as the anniversary date approached, and he was right. I knew he'd be right. He, just never knew the true reason why.
I think it's about time I told him.
Would my life have been different? Would I still be who I am today, if I'd been honest with him? Could I have stopped all of this from ever happening to me, if I'd been truthful from the beginning about that night? If I'd have told him about what I did to Ana from the start, would I still be mentally tormented now?
Probably not. After talking to Gail, no matter how confused and anxious I feel right now, I can't help but think that on some level it's helped me. I'm just not sure exactly how yet.
Like with Taylor, I feel hesitant about telling John about my recent hauntings, my involuntary reactions to a stranger, and the strange feelings I have for a girl that I met at the beach. How do I rationally explain how she's melted into my subconscious and now appears in my dreams as a warped version of a girl I killed, without sounding mentally disturbed? I don't think I can and truthfully, I don't want to know what he'd make of it.
I don't even know why I remember the brunette from the beach, or why I associate her with the young girl from my past. She said "Hi" to Tess, and that's such a small act, but it's so significant to me. Tess, has never done well with strangers, never welcomed random physical contact, but the girl petted her with ease, even her scorched bits. Tess, never minded her hands on her. Tess knew this girl was comfortable with her and welcomed that. She nuzzled and licked her palm gratefully. She even ignored my instruction to leave and went back to her for more contact. That, has never happened before.
Those, are all normal dog reactions and automatic responses to human interaction, but not with Tess. So this is poignant to me, meaningful, and because of that, I can't shake her. John, will no doubt make a big deal out of it and I know he'll be right to. It is a big deal. Despite, how the vivid flash of red floored me yesterday, the girl from the beach, the image of her, the tune that accompanies her in my head, has kept me grounded. I've used her image nightly to subdue the whirlpool of thoughts raging inside of me, and she's helped me to find much needed rest.
My foot, pushing on the R8's gas pedal, takes me closer. Just a few more minutes. I'm keen to reach my destination and spend the weekend at the beach. I've always looked forward to coming here but this weekend feels different. I want to see the girl again. I hope to see the girl again. I want to see her with Tess, and if I'm really honest I want to hear her play her guitar again. She's captured me and distracted me. Mentally and physically.
Even Leila saw it.
Oh, Leila. I don't know what to do in regards to Leila. I'm so indecisive. I may not be close to her and our relationship may be a formal, written arrangement, but even she knew that I was distracted last weekend. We had an intense hour or so together in my playroom when she first arrived, but after I woke and saw the girl on the beach, I couldn't focus on Leila. I confined her to her room for most of the weekend. I knew she couldn't hold my attention and I didn't want to be near her. I even left for Escala early.
I've already informed Leila, that I won't be needing her this weekend and not to come to the beach house.
I don't feel the pull I used to with her. It's overshadowed by the wispy vision I have in my head. Leila, once served a purpose but I think that purpose is redundant now. I did mention a few weeks ago that I was contemplating ending our arrangement at the end of this three month term. She wasn't to happy about the possibility, probably wanted to argue her point, but she held her tongue. She still holds the appeal of the torment I've carried, but I need to break this detrimental cycle with her.
With myself.
I'm doing myself no favours at all trying to fuck the guilt out of myself, and Leila, is becoming clingy and yearns for harder kink. She hasn't dared say anything, but I can read the frustration clearly on her body when I'm with her. I tie and blind my submissive for a reason. I don't want them to look at me or touch me. I spank and flog for enjoyment and to ease my inner frustration. The pain she's after and has had contracted to her previously, will not be found by my hand.
I swear, I heard her whisper that she loved me last weekend as I carried her fatigued body back to her bedroom. Those three little words can never lead anywhere good, so this has to stop. This has to stop now.
I think I've made my decision. I feel better for making a decision.
Next weekend, I'll end our contract. Next weekend, will be the last time I see her. Next Friday, will be our last evening together.
This weekend, here and now, I want to be at the beach house alone. Hopefully, I'll have an opportunity to see Tess's new friend again. Hopefully I can see them interact together again. Maybe I can get a clear look at her this time. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, I can follow Gail's advice and talk to her. Maybe, I could even find out her name.
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