.
Chapter Thirty One.
Overwhelmed
Christian.
.
The girl, that has tortured me for so long, slumps to her knees in front of me. Her beautiful blue eyes lock with mine and I can't think straight. Visions invade and blind me as I try to reckon the impossible, like I've been trying to do for the past ten minutes, but it's futile. It's incomprehensible. For all this time, for all these years, I thought she was dead. I thought I'd killed her, yet here she is sitting in front of me. Living, breathing, nearly naked...here.
"Ana...it's really...you?" I manage to ask.
Subtly, I try and take in every inch of her without her realising. She's all svelte, shapely limbs and soft, perfect looking skin. She's just like I envisioned in my dreams, but more so. She's grown into a true beauty.
"Yes." She whispers softly. A small smile plays on her lips as her eyes light up, and my whole body eases with relief and utter disbelief at the sight of her.
My eyes are pulled and lower to the gap in her open shirt, resting, on the permanent reminder I left on her skin. The pink indentation, sitting on the swell of her breast, is so close to her heart it's not even an inch away. It truly is a miracle how she survived.
"I can't believe you're here. I can't comprehend how it's...you. I killed you." The words leave my tight throat unhindered.
Ana shakes her head at me in dispute and denial and I'm stunned. I can't believe she's here. Not to mention the extremes she went to in order to get my attention. I'll push that thought aside for now, I've enough to think about. I can't fathom how she's alive and not the apparition that's been haunting me constantly. Even though she was...is. I can't believe that the girl I've been seeing everywhere, the girl I've been recently looking for, is really Ana. My Ana. My head swims with confusion and doubts, but strangely, my fingers itch to touch her.
As I become more aware of her proximity, I can feel it, and I should've known. My reaction to her during our every encounter was far too extreme to be coincidental. She was so familiar looking, so much like the girl I remember, and all along, it was her. I think back to all the times I saw her and with the adornment of caps, sunglasses and her veil of chestnut hair between us, it was easy to be oblivious. I should've known that no one else could look like her though, or stir up such emotion in me, but why would I even consider that my tormenting ghost...was the real Ana?
I thought she was dead. I believed she was dead. I knew she was dead.
I can't help myself and need to confirm all of this is somehow real, and not some final mental breakdown. Watching her closely to gage her reaction, I reach out and take hold of her hand. My body ripples as soon as I make contact with her warm skin. Our fingers involuntarily entwine and her smile grows as our fingers tighten round each others. A glorious flush of colour floods her cheeks and I can't help but lift her chin with my finger until she's looking at me fully.
"I thought you died that night, Ana." I whisper, my voice portraying all the pain I've carried with me for so long. "I thought I killed you. You'd lost so much blood, I saw your last breath leave you and I.."
"I thought you died, too." Ana interrupts, her voice breaking, and I know at that precise moment, even without her eyes welling up with tears, that she's felt the same torment as I have for all of these years. "I heard the explosion, saw you fly through the air caught up with the flames... I heard you scream." she adds before her voice begins to break. "I woke up in the hospital and no one knew anything about you. Everyone I asked told me the same thing, no one else was brought in...not alive anyway. Where were you?" she asks in a pained whisper.
"I was taken to the burns unit in Seattle." I explain, softly squeezing her hand.
"I've tortured myself, hated myself for hurting you and ending your life." She confesses freely.
My chest tightens at the thought of what she's been through. Her agonising past mirrors mine. If it's been half as bad for her as it has been for me, then...well, I don't want to consider it. No wonder I didn't recognise her from the file Taylor gave me. Her pain was clear on her young face. She was half the woman then that she is now.
Unable to stop myself from reacting to the pain I know she's felt, or the fact that I'm responsible for it, I free my hand and gently brush the solitary tear that's fallen from her cheek with my thumb. She sighs softly to herself and her eyes drop closed when my hand lingers close to her skin. I feel the need to comfort her but I'm unsure of what to do.
"Me too, every single day." I utter softly.
"I thought I'd gotten you killed trying to save Tess. I'm so glad she's still with you." Ana breathes, as she arcs her face into my touch.
"I couldn't let her go." I tell her truthfully. "She's a part of you." I whisper, opening my hand to accept her cheek.
"I couldn't let you go." She admits with a soft blush. I smile, feeling content, when the heat from her skin warms my palm. "You've been in my thoughts, my dreams, my every nightmare for years. I can't remember a single night of sleeping peacefully or not seeing you whenever I've closed my eyes." Ana admits.
"Me too. I haven't been able to rest since that night, I've dreaded closing my eyes. Now, my eyes are wide open and you're here, alive. I.. how did..." I begin to ask. Suddenly curious as to how she found me, not to mention how she got herself into my house.
"I didn't know you'd survived." Ana interrupts, clearly eager to explain.
She shuffles and shifts her position so she's more comfortable on her knees. Her adjustment, causes my hand to fall from her cheek and I feel the loss instantly. My other hand tightens on hers in her lap because I'll be damned if I lose our connection all together. She's the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I feel like at any moment this could all be too much, and I need her close.
"I had no idea you were alive, not until I saw the flowers you left up at the crash site." Ana continues, squeezing my fingers in with what feels like gratitude for my tribute.
I snort to myself. I knew all along that going up there had triggered something. I just never thought it was the girl herself that had left the starting blocks to shadow and chase me home.
I should have known.
"Even though I was told that I was the only survivor, I always hoped, always prayed, that you didn't lose your life that night. Once I saw the card you left I knew, I knew you were alive. You don't know how I felt at that moment, Christian. I didn't pause to think, I was so elated and just knew I had to find you. It was a sign." Ana gushes and I understand fully because I feel it too. An enormous weight has surely been lifted from me today.
I stare into Ana's wide excited eyes and I still can't believe she's truly here. I can see her, smell her intoxicating scent, even feel her hand in mine, but somehow, this still seems so surreal. It's like I'm waiting for my eyes to open. Waiting for her to disappear.
I'm stuck, as to what to say in return or even attempt to tell her how I feel. I know I'm beyond thankful that this beautiful woman lived and had a chance at a life. I know that I've a draw, a pull, a connection to her, but where does that leave us now?
As I've drifted along with my thoughts, I've been unaware that Ana's eyes have been roaming all over me. I suddenly feel very exposed and out of place sat here on the landing, dressed only in my jeans. I can see, almost feel, the burn of her gaze as it follow the trails of gnarled flesh over my shoulders and up my neck. No one, has ever been this close to me, or studied me this closely. Not since I was younger and back in the hospital. As her eyes move, her free hand begins to lift.
"Don't." I utter softly, causing Ana to jump slightly. It seems to pull her out of the trance she's under and it causes her eyes to lift to mine, clear, then grow wide and quizzical. "I hate my scars." I state simply.
"I love mine." Ana surprises me by saying.
"Why?" I ask. Shocked, that she doesn't despise the permanent mar I left on her skin.
I can't help but glance down at the scar on her chest. My fingers, like hers, yearn to touch. Ana, must feel the flinch of my hand because she suddenly takes it and places it flat on her chest. I gasp, locking my eyes with hers as she holds my palm flush against her.
"This scar...reminds me of you." she utters, looking deep into my eyes. I feel her heartbeat quicken under my palm as a smile takes over her face. "Everyday I see it, and it reminds me of the courageous boy that saved my life. I see your bravery, your strength, your fearlessness and compassion in this scar." She states.
I feel my shoulders sag at her appraisal of my actions, I'm so unworthy of that assessment. I know my scars don't carry the same comparison. Not at all. They're vulgar, grotesque, sickening.
I need to put on a shirt.
"I'm so sorry you were hurt saving Tess." Ana whispers, and as her hand leaves mine on her chest and rises, I don't make any attempt to stop her this time.
With my breath held, I allow my eyes to drop closed. The texture of my pulled, melted flesh under her hand, will soon repulse her. I don't want to see the look on her face when it does. When I feel her fingers brush my cheek and sweep down and hook around the back of my neck, my first instinct is to flinch and pull away from her, but the sensation of her fingers on my skin is soothing, and rapidly addictive. After only a few second, I find myself leaning into her with a deep contented breath. Secretly hoping, that she'll continue to touch me freely.
I've dreamed about being touched, held, encased in warmth and love. I've always wanted arms around me, I just never thought they could, or would, be Ana's. I still can't believe she's real. I open my eyes just to check, and it takes a second or two for them to focus on the beauty in front of me. I stare at her, holding her gaze as I try to comprehend how this night has transpired and how she even got here.
"How did you get in here?" I ask curiously.
Ana makes a groaning sound as her hands leave me and cover her shame ridden face. She sits up straighter, her movement, forcing my hand to slip from her chest and fall into my lap. I curse myself silently for opening my mouth and breaking our connection. My curiosity begins to grow as Ana's cheeks begin to flame and she becomes agitated. What's the matter with her? Did she do more than just break in?
"Oh, Christian. I'm so sorry I came into your house uninvited like this. Please, don't be angry with Leila." She begs, looking up at me with wide pleading eyes. She bites her lip nervously, but it doesn't register, because as soon as she speaks Leila's name, my heckles rise and my stomach drops.
Fuck, I've completely forgotten about Leila.
When Ana removed the hood she was wearing and I saw that she wasn't in fact Leila, she completely left my head. I haven't given her a second thought since. I feel my eyes widen at the thought of how Leila could be involved in this, and my brow furrows when I consider what Ana knows about my relationship with her. How does she even know Leila, anyway? And where the fuck is she.
"Leila?" I ask, wary of hearing this explanation.
Ana's whole demeanour becomes submissive as she slumps lower on her knees. Her eyes are contrite when they meet mine and before I can even ask again, she's gushing.
"Once I found out you were alive, I came straight here. When I found you, I tried to contact you anyway I could, but you're a hard man to get close to, Christian." she says with sudden humour. Her body easing as she rolls her eyes and chuckles.
I force a rigid smile, unsure of what to say in return. I'm waiting to find out how Leila fits into all of this. Nothing else seems important right now.
"We met while out jogging." Ana continues, rubbing her elbow. "You split my hot chocolate, and then dismissed me from Grey House. I know I was lucky enough to bump into you accidentally, but each time I did, it was so unexpected that I just froze. I couldn't get a word out. Remember?" She asks me, all wide eyed and eager for confirmation.
I nod, knowing exactly how she felt, because I had the same reaction too. Just a passing glimpse of her would make my stomach roll and the feelings she induced were immense and so overpowering. Even now, confusion and doubt aside, I'm terrified, but I'm also elated that she's here. I'm also elated that I'm not going crazy, or hallucinating, like I initially thought.
"I wish you would've said something to me." I mutter out loud, thinking over the torment I've been going through over the past few weeks and how it could've all been avoided.
"I wanted to, believe me, but your reaction was a mirror image of mine. Every time you saw me, you freaked, and you're very intimidating when you're angry, Christian." Ana states before giggling.
I don't feel very intimidating right now.
"Plus," Ana continues. "In my defence, you never really gave me a chance, by the time I'd gathered my faculties enough for speech, you'd gone. You couldn't get away from me fast enough." Ana concludes truthfully with a sad smile and a small shrug.
She's right. Everything she's said is right. I did run, every single time. I had to.
"I thought you were a ghost, an apparition, sent to haunt and torment me." I tell her honestly, feeling so fucking foolish right now. Ana nods her head compassionately, understanding.
"It probably did feel like I was hounding you. I tried everything I could think of to get near you. Once I found out who and where you were, I used every opportunity I could to get close to you. Hence, why I'm staying down the way... It was nice, talking to you on the beach the other day. I wanted to tell you then who I was, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't want to freeze up, I didn't want you to run, I wanted to get to know you and that's why I kept quiet." she says softly, and her hand once again lifts and cups the back of my neck comfortingly.
I reclaim her other hand back from her lap, holding it tightly in mine.
"You could've just called me." I mutter stupidly. Knowing how hard it is to get through to me at Grey House, never mind obtaining my cell number, but I'm distracted by her slow moving fingers on the nape of my neck. Ana chuckles and rolls her eyes at me, completely oblivious to what she's doing to me with such a simple action.
"Oh, if only it could've been that simple." she mutters before giggling. "I needed to talk to you face to face, Christian." she says, suddenly looking very serious. "Telling you something this important couldn't have been done over the phone...would you even have believed me?" she ask softly.
"You have a point." I chuff, because she's right once again. Even if she had of gotten through to speak to me, I would never have entertained her. Not without seeing her, anyway.
"I tried to get close to you, anyway I could." Ana mutters, and it sounds like there's more to this than I'm aware of.
"Tell me." I whisper, and her cheeks flood once again with colour. "Start at the beginning."
My eyes follow her growing blush as it sweeps the apple of her cheek slowly. It's enticing and totally captivating. She really is kind of beautiful. Ana's eyes widen and grow more wary the longer I look at her.
"Please, please don't think I'm some sort of crazy person once I tell you. Okay?" she asks sheepishly, as she shuffles on her knees to get comfortable.
I feel her fingers on my neck move and can't help but shiver as they run up into the back of my hair. It's a very enthralling feeling and I'm immediately disappointed when her hand moves on. It doesn't leave me, though. It trails over my shoulder, down my arm to my hand, were it meets her other one. I nod automatically, not caring what she has to say. Her fingers feel amazing trailing over my skin so no matter what she could possibly tell me, I probably won't hear half of it. She's here, in front of me. Living, breathing, speaking to me. That's enough for now. I've realised that I don't care how she got here. Just that she is.
"I went to Grey House, thinking I could make an appointment with you, but your receptionist wouldn't even pick up the phone. When I tried to insist, she had security throw me out." she explains, and I feel the embarrassment radiating from her as she looks down at our joined hands in her lap.
"Sorry." I whisper. Not knowing what else to say. Ana shakes her head and chuckles at me.
"It's fine." She says offhandedly, but I see an edge to her eyes for just a second and I think there's more to it than she's letting on.
I can't linger on it though, I'm far to aware of my hands in her lap. I'm holding her hands in mine, but her free thumb is running slowly back and forth across the back of one of my hands. My other hand, is being tormented by the feel and heat emitting from her warm, soft, bare thigh. The back of my hand rests, just where her shirt ends.
Seeing her dressed in so little is becoming...distracting. Very distracting. I try to keep my eyes firmly on her face and ignore the fact that I'm half dressed myself right now. As much as I'd like to insist we both adorn clothes, I don't want to move and interrupt what we're sharing.
"I've spent a lot of time at Grey House. Hoping I'd see you there." Ana says, as her eyes lift slowly back to mine. "I love your book shop, I've spent hours in there." She gushes. A bright enthusiastic smile taking over her face.
I share it, knowing she's telling the truth. I've seen her in there with my own two eyes, and if I'm not mistaken, I've seen her in every other corner of Grey House too.
"You've also joined my Gym, play the guitar, and we both know that you like hot chocolate." I add, thinking of all the times her ghost was with me. Ana nods, smiling, obviously glad that I remember her.
"Grey House its self, gave me the most opportunities to meet you. Working in the building might've gotten me a little closer, but someone kicked my ass to the curb." Ana says, clearly teasing by her tone, but her choice of words still hit me hard and I feel like a complete shit.
"I'm truly sorry about that. Would you like a job in the book store instead? You'd be happy there." I offer without thought, picturing her in my minds eye sitting in the window enraptured with the book she's holding. I chuckle to myself when her face lights up.
"Oh, don't temp me." she replies quickly.
"But I want too." I reply before I can censor myself.
Ana's eyes flash to mine before she bites her lip and lowers them. A flush runs down her neck to the swell of her breasts and my eyes are drawn. Ana begins to fidget when she notices and I feel the tension growing between us.
"I hope Taylor didn't literally do that to you?" I ask her, trying to defuse the atmosphere and hide my perverted slip.
Ana shakes her head as she sighs heavily. "No, Taylor was polite in his eviction, but..." Ana pauses as she looks up at me dubiously. I can't help frowning. What did Taylor do?
"What happened?" I ask, slowly.
"Nothing happened." Ana says quickly. "But I did speak to him...I told him about us, about what happened."
Her confession surprises me and I feel my eyes widen. It shocks me, that Taylor knew more than what Gail could have shared with him, and yet he kept it to himself. Saying that, I did dismiss and shoot him down, every time he tried to mention anything about Ana or my crazy behaviour.
"I'm so sorry, Christian." Ana gushes apologetically. "I wanted to tell you before him, but he wouldn't let me near you. Not until I told him who I was and what I wanted with you. I thought he'd help me meet you, but I..."
"It's fine Ana, don't worry. It explains a lot." I interrupt her, squeezing her hand to calm her down.
"It does?" Ana asks with a quirk of her eyebrow. I can't help smile at her quizzical expression.
"Yes. He asked me if I knew you and if I'd seen you before. He used the pretence of how you could be a breach to security and..."
"Why didn't you tell him about seeing me?" she asks, looking and sounding a little hurt.
"Ana, I thought you were dead. I thought I was tripping on guilt ridden images of you because I'd opened up old wounds by going up to the crash site. I was in no state to talk to him then, especially about you."
"Oh, Christian." Ana coos, freeing her hand from mine and brushing my cheek comfortingly. My eyes close at the warmth from her touch and I have the sudden urge to hold her. "I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain." Ana whispers as her body sags forward, unintentionally, bringing her closer to me. "I don't just mean recently, either." She adds, and her voice sounds so remorseful.
Before I can reply, Ana's hand runs from my cheek and down the back of my neck. I react on impulse and take hold of her hips, pulling her forward into my lap. She doesn't freeze or try to pull away, she just reacts right along with me. Her eyes close with a contented sigh as her arms wrap around my neck and mine, wrap around her waist.
The feel of her warm, soft body pressed tightly against my chest is almost euphoric, but I can't relax. My body shudders reflexively, when her arms relax and wrap over my shoulders encasing me. I feel myself stiffen as I wait. The feel of her hands, one in my hair and one flat on my spine, holds my body rigid.
I can't breathe. I can't move. I'm just holding on tightly.
After a few moments, I assess the feel of Ana, warm in my lap. She's willing close, feels at ease. Is offering, and finding comfort with me, but I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the rigid, horrified, repulsed response she'll have to me, once her brain registers what her left hand is touching.
I wait and wait, but it's only when I hear Ana, whisper close to my ear that I can really appreciate the feel of this girl in my arms.
"I'm not a security breach, I promise, but Taylor was pissed when I told him that I'd even met Gail." she says. Her words vibrate off my neck. I shiver, at the feel of her warm breath so close to my skin. "I believe my goulash was a success." she says before giggling against me. Her movements and words are suddenly confusing the hell out of me and I have no idea what she's on about.
"What?" I mumble, trying to sort through this complete and utter sensory overload I'm in the middle of.
No one, has ever been this close to me before or touched me so freely. No one, has ever touched me like this without hesitation or revulsion. Or Pity. My arms tighten around Ana's frame involuntarily as hers do.
"Nothing." Ana giggles as she molds herself into me.
The next few minutes pass in warmth, naked limbs and warmth. I can't help but let my mind wander to how this would feel if we matched up. If she wasn't wearing a shirt or if I was just wearing my shorts, the heat would be immense. It's astounding how I can feel her, her warmth, her heartbeat, even though there's a barrier between us.
Except for her hands. Which are both moving.
Ana's fingers on one hand are scrunching in my hair. Her nails, raking my scalp as they move. Her others, are following the rise and falling patterns of damaged skin on my neck and shoulder. I hold still, apart from my neck, which follows the movement of her softly, trailing fingers. It's heavenly.
Ana is the first to move and as she sits back on my thighs, not seeming to mind that she's straddling my lap, both her hands lock together behind my neck. My hands trail to each of her hips, where they remain while Ana takes a deep determined breath. She looks at me, suddenly seeming apprehensive and looking very contrite and only then do I realise that she's still talking.
"So, after exhausting all avenues to get to you, I was left with only one option...befriending Leila." Ana says her name once again and I hear her shame and remorse.
Leila, yes this is how this conversation started. Fuck Leila.
I'm still too distracted by the fact she's straddling my thighs, in a shirt and holding my bare skin to think clearly. Especially about Leila. Ana looks at me warily, waiting for me to say something. When I don't respond, she must take my silence as annoyance or anger because she begins to gush apologetically.
"I'm so sorry Christian, it was the only chance I had left. I know I've invaded your privacy and..."
"Where is she?" I interrupt, dubiously.
My eyes lift back to Ana's, looking for an explanation. A feeling of dread washes over me.
"Leila's...sleeping," Ana explains, her voice low and rueful. "Her roommate Kate and I, we...we got her drunk and coerced information out of her before she passed out, so...I could take her place." she mumbles swiftly, all the while avoiding my scowl and missing my panicked gaze.
How much does Ana know about my arrangement with Leila?
My eyes lose focus as I think of what Leila could've told her while inebriated. I don't pause to think about what Ana's done to get her in that state. I just pray that Leila held her tongue about what goes on in my playroom. Suddenly, all the shock and euphoria I've been feeling is pushed aside as the pieces come together.
I know without even having to ask Ana, that she already knows more than I'd ever want her too.
She drove Leila's car here, let herself in, she even knew where to go once inside the house. I recognize the shirt she's wearing as belonging to Leila and oh, fuck... She was kneeling... she even has her hair braided.
She knows everything.
"Don't be angry with her, please. It wasn't her fault, and I'm so sorry to ruin your night with her." Ana gushes suddenly, glancing toward the door of my playroom.
She blushes, beautifully, but I'm sickened by what she must be thinking of in order to redden so deeply.
"Don't worry about Leila. I was going to end things with her this evening." I state truthfully.
Wanting her to know that what I've had with Leila, is now over, and desperately trying to banish the pictures from her head, I repeat myself to be certain. Ana nods her head minutely in understanding, her eyes turning soft as she does.
"Leila was expecting it and I feel awful. She should be the one here with you..."
"No." I stress, shaking my head adamantly.
Despite the initial terror, confusion and disbelief, Ana being here now, if only for this night, means more to me than all my past weekends with Leila. Doesn't she know that?
"She loves you, you know." Ana says quietly, her tone knowing and sympathetic.
I tsk at her comment and misplaced loyalty. She's so far off the mark. Leila, doesn't love me. She only thinks she does because of who I am, what I have and what I can give her. Her lines have blurred into infatuation because she knows she's my longest submissive, and thinks that actually means something. Don't get me wrong, she has been a good submissive but she's far from perfect.
Perfect, is sat on my lap. Something Leila has never done. Not outside my playroom anyway.
"Don't you...love, Leila?" Ana suddenly mutters, and I feel her hands tighten on my neck.
"No, Ana. I don't love Leila and she doesn't love me. We have, had, an arrangement, nothing more."
"She meant nothing to you?" she questions further sounding curious, but her voice is full of empathy for Leila.
I shake my head, wanting to be as honest as I can. Ana looks at me closely, looking for more. But what can I say? How can I explain that Leila served a purpose, nothing more, nothing less. How can I tell Ana, that Leila was only ever a substitute for her. She was only every here to appease my need to be close to the girl I thought I'd lost.
"You never loved her?" Ana repeats.
"No, I've never loved anyone. Family aside. I've never had a proper relationship, never wanted one." I tell her simply.
"Why not?" she asks, looking at me like I've grown an extra head.
"I've never wanted to get close to anybody. I can't bear to be touched, I hate people looking at me." I admit.
My stomach knots because I'm still bare chested in front of her. Ana stiffens in my lap as her hands begin to loosen in order to free herself. I grip her hips, holding her still, shaking my head at her.
"Don't move." I instruct.
She's staying where she is. No matter how terrifying it feels.
Her smile is small and sweet as her fingers absentmindedly begin to caress the back of my neck again. It's such a small action, her fingers are barely moving, but it feels wonderful and I don't want her to stop. Ever.
"I don't know how you can bear to look at me, never mind touch me. I'm repulsive." I say out loud without thinking.
Ana stiffens and looks at me with sharp eyes. "No, you're not. You're brave, heroic and you carry that reminder with you. Be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you." she states adamantly, and her words floor me again.
I sag forward, my head coming to rest on her breast bone. "I'm so thankful you're alive, Annie." I whisper into her chest.
I want to pull her closer. Kiss her flesh. Kiss and caress her scar, but Ana gasps sharply and I pull back quickly. My eyes fly to hers and I see they're wide and pained. Shit. She's not mine to touch. I've completely over stepped the mark and read to much into this situation.
"I'm sorry." I apologies. Putting a little space between us.
"No it's fine, no one but my father ever called me Annie. It surprises me everytime I hear it that's all." she explains, relaxing once again.
"Why not? Your name is Ana." I mutter stupidly, relieved that she's upset by my words and not by my touch or my getting closer to her.
"My name isn't Ana, it's Anastasia." she says with a chuckle. My eyes widen, pleasantly surprised. It suits her. Her name is unique. Just like her.
"Anastasia Rose Steele, pleasure to meet you." Ana says with a wide smile as she pulls her hand from my neck and offers it to me to shake.
I take it quickly, buzzed at the feel of her. "Hi Anastasia. I'm Christian, Christian Trevelyan Grey."
"I never knew your full name." she says, chuckling and wrapping her hand back around my neck.
"Then how did you find me?" I ask, curiously.
"Old Ben, saw you at the crash sight." Ana explains. "I'm so thankful that he did. I would have gone crazy not..."
"Old Ben." I mutter, thinking back to that day
"Yes, he's a local guy. He has a couple of huskies, like Tess." Ana adds, and I nod, remembering him.
I frown to myself, tuning Ana out as I think of that day and how I felt being back at that spot. I remember fleeing as soon as the old guy tried to make conversation with me. If only I'd have spoken to him properly. I no doubt would've found out that Ana was alive sooner.
Tuning back in to Ana's excited voice, I find she's still explaining.
"Ben, gave me a description of you and your car, and even before I read the card you'd left with your flowers, I knew it was you. I came to Seattle the very next day looking for you, but I had nowhere to start. Do you know how many Christian's there are in Seattle?" she asks me chuckling and rolling her eyes. I nod dumbly. "I didn't know you were some big mogul, not until I hired a Private Investigator and he got me your background information. He also found out your schedule info and..." Ana's voice drifts off as I feel my blood run cold.
"You've had some one investigating me?" I interrupt her sharply, despite my dry, tightening throat. Ana nods immediately, clearly not hearing my tone.
"Yes, that's how I met Gail, Taylor and found out about Leila. He also arrange the job interview for me. He even..." her excited voice drifts off as the horror grows and sets firmly on my face.
The shock of my privacy being invaded feels like the final blow and I need some space. I can't think straight with her so close to me. How can I... Ana feels my sudden agitation and shifts herself backwards, moving away from me. Her face looks horrified and she's clearly upset.
"I'm sorry, I know it seems like I'm some mad stalker but I promise you, I'm not. I didn't know what else to do and Will was discrete, he knows your family and..."
"No, I understand." I manage to say clearly, interrupting her. Not really listening and not wanting to hear anymore. "It's just a bit...overwhelming."
Too much has come to light to soon and far too much all at once. I don't know where to start with the thought process on all of this. I just know that I need to breathe. This entire night has been overwhelming, an array of unfamiliar feelings and emotions, with revelations and discoveries that I never thought possible. As much as I've loved being close to Ana, I need some space. I can't think around her.
I need to get out of here.
Sliding Ana from my lap, so she's back sitting on the floor. I shuffle away from her and ready myself to stand. As Ana would say, I'm freaked. Unsure of what to do or say about any of this, I'm best saying nothing. My mind starts to race over what I've discovered tonight and Ana beside, I can't comprehend that everyone around me knew.
The atmosphere is turning cold, tense, awkward, and I feel like I'm suffocating.
I can't bring myself to look at Ana, but I can feel her eyes on me. I can sense her distress and upset from her heated gaze. I can still feel her touch on the back of my neck. The weight of her on my thighs. The feel of her skin on my palms. It's strange. New. And not something I'm yet familiar with. I need to clear my head. Shake her off so I can breathe and think clearly.
"I think I'll take Tess out." I mutter as I stand and head away from her.
"Christian, please. I'm sorry." Ana calls after me, but I don't turn around. I don't acknowledge that I've even heard her.
I try not to think of her, slumped in a shirt at the top of the stairs, looking lost and hurt as I head down the stairs, through the kitchen and head out of the house onto the beach.
I try not to think of her for the next hour as I trudge the cool sand in the dark.
Without, the company of Tess.
.