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Chapter Thirty Two.
Hindsight.
Ana.
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He left me. Alone. Sitting on the landing at the top of the stairs.
I was half dressed, heart broken, embarrassed and feeling utterly dejected.
I knew my stalker tendencies would come back to bite me on the ass, and they have. Big time. I feel awful and hate myself for leaving him with the impression that I'm a crazy woman. Doesn't he understand by now that I meant no harm with my intrusive behaviour and just needed to get close to him?
Apparently not.
I overstepped every boundary that he'd surrounded himself with. I terrified him, totally freaked him out and as usual, he couldn't get away from me fast enough. Not that I blame him, though. I invaded his personal space, followed him around and infiltrated the lives of those around him. I even had the gall to break into his home. No wonder he needed space.
No matter how anxious I felt at the time of upsetting him, I couldn't follow him when he ran from me. He needed time alone. He deserved the space to process and sort through all the information I'd dumped on him. I hate how the evening turned out, but it was only to be expected. Our plan, was down right crazy after all.
No matter how good it felt sitting in his lap, I felt the change in him immediately after my uncensored revelations. I was so at ease with him that I told him everything I'd done, and it was too much for him. Way, way too much, and way to soon. For just a minute, for one glorious minute, I had him at ease and feeling comfortable with me. I loved being so close to him and I knew he felt the same way. Until I blew it.
It felt so good sitting in his lap. Oh, who am I trying to kid, I was straddling him. I was straddling his hard muscular body and loving every minute of it. I could feel every inch of him, well, not every inch, but his torso felt amazing. Even his back, which is distorted with rippled, dipping and swirling skin, was hard and toned under my fingertips.
When his arms were wrapped tightly around me, it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. As I held him, my fingers moved involuntarily to draw patterns on his neck and shoulders. It was so entrancing, so instinctive and it was also a good distraction. It gave me something else to concentrated on. It was so hard not to lose myself with the man that was underneath me. I wanted to trail my fingers over every inch of him. I wanted to pull him closer, hold him tighter, but I couldn't. Our comforting hugs were tight, but they could've been filled with so much more.
I've never been that close to a man, half dressed and horny. I've never wanted to be. Who knows how things might've turned out if I hadn't of ruined everything. I scared him off. I'd gotten to close, to fast, and I knew it. Even at the time I knew it. I knew his apprehensions, his fears, his phobias. I knew of his temper, his reputation for keeping his distance and projecting a cold, hard front. I knew all this as he fled the house on the pretence of taking Tess out, and I knew I'd gone too far.
When Tess meandered up the stairs and found me a few minutes later, I knew for sure that he'd ran. I held on to Tess tightly as I just sat there, letting it all sink in. I knew I couldn't face him, or be there when he came back home. He wouldn't want me to be either, I don't think. So after hugging Tess goodbye, I left before he got back from the beach and had to ask me to leave.
I fled to the safety of my annex, where I locked the door, shut the blinds and climbed straight into bed. Once I was on my own and alone in the dark, my emotions took over and hit me like a tidal wave. The exhilaration of meeting him, the feel of him all around me was joyous and overwhelming, and gone. I knew I'd lost the chance of ever doing that again and cried myself to sleep as a result.
That hasn't been the only night either.
In hindsight, I could kick myself for not brazening waiting for him, because I haven't heard a word from Christian in over a week. Well, not directly, anyway.
When I woke Saturday morning, I knew he'd already left. Before I even peeked out of the window to confirm that his car had gone and security had returned, I knew he wouldn't be there.
The rest of the weekend passed with me curled up on the sofa, blinds remaining closed, mindlessly watching TV, eating crap and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't even bring myself to step out onto the beach. As mad as it sounds, I didn't want to bump into Tess. I didn't want to see her and be reminded of Christian and what could've been.
I couldn't even bring myself to speak to Kate until Monday, even though she rang a couple of times Friday night and left messages over the weekend, I just wasn't ready then. I needed to wallow in my own stupidity and cringe worthy shame for a while.
I was soon knocked out of it, though.
I received a box of beautiful, long stemmed White roses, with a standard printed card. Simply saying, 'Thank you. Christian.' on Monday morning. A pleasant, generic, female voice, left me a voice mail while I was in the shower later that day, informing me that if I wanted to accept the job offered to me at the Grey House Bookstore, I should just call in and introduce myself.
There was no return contact information, with either the flowers or call.
The distant, third party contact, quickly brought me out of my stupor, and I'll admit, despite it being what I needed in order to pull myself together, I resented it. I've been on tenterhooks all week hoping to hear from him directly. It was a wasted run of emotions though, because I've heard nothing. It hasn't been completely one sided as I've been nowhere near Grey House either.
Once I climbed out of my emotional funk, I fled to Kate's. She's been my life line this past week and I've spent so much time with her that honestly, I don't know what I would've done without her. I rang her straight after receiving the job offer. She was eager for details on how things had gone on Friday night, but what could I really tell her? It went as well as expected, when someone breaks into your house and stalks your every move.
She confessed to hardly sleeping of Friday because she was so anxious, but as she didn't hear about my arrest or sudden murder, she knew things must've gone fairly well and couldn't wait to find out. I heard her sympathy when I explained how I fucked everything up, but as usual, Kate held a silver lining.
Leila had gone.
It came as a genuine shock when she told me, because I didn't think Christian would be so quick off the mark. I just hope he wasn't too angry with her, but we'll never know for sure.
Leila, was brought out of her heavy headed slumber, early Saturday morning. Christian called her before the sun was even up, and ended their relationship swiftly and abruptly over the phone. As Christian ended the call, Taylor knocked on the apartment door. He waited patiently while Leila showered, then efficiently assisted her with boxing up all of her things. There was no preamble or chit chat as he drove her straight to the airport, where Christian's private jet was ready to fly her to her parents place. When Kate arrived home from her yoga class a couple of hours later, there was a note stuck on the fridge with the words, 'Fuck you, both.' scrawled as a parting gift and no trace of Leila.
Guilt, ate away at me for most of the week but it evaporated this morning, when Kate showed me a photo of Leila and her new beau. She looked absolutely amazing on the arm of some GQ clone, while attending an event with her parents. I feel so much relief, knowing she couldn't have loved Christian as she proclaimed because she's replaced him so easily, and so quickly.
Kate, doesn't seem that sorry to see Leila go, either. She's used the past week to have her old bedroom remodelled and redecorated as she's decided to move into that room herself. Better view or something. She's even offered me her old room at a very reasonable rate. I do like Kate, she's become a great friend, so I'm seriously considering her offer. The job opportunity, is also very tempting.
I love the Grey House Bookstore. The layout, the location, the vibe of the place is wonderful and it would be great to indulge and use my love of books on a daily basis. It would also be nice to put down some roots and settle here in Seattle, plus, the longer I'm away from home the closer Ben and Aunt Meg will no doubt get. On the down side, could I really live so close to Christian and have no further contact with him? I don't think I could. I want more than sporadic, third party contact from him.
Touching him, being close to him, being held by him, has proven to me that I like him. I like him a lot. I want to get to know him, be a part of his life, and I genuinely thought he'd feel the same way about me. I was obviously wrong. The past week of not seeing him, not even in passing, has been awful. A phone call wouldn't have hurt. An email would have been nice. A simple text would have been appreciated. But nothing.
I've spent so much time with Kate, told her everything and she's helped me enormously, but even she doesn't understand how he could've ignored me so poignantly this past week. I couldn't approach him, no matter how much I wanted to, I've done that enough already. He knows where I am and how to contact me, so it's been down to him. He's chosen to ignore me and stay away, and it hurts.
Kate, plans to change all of that. Tonight, she's going to make it impossible for him to ignore me.
For the past few hours I've been under Kate's control and putty, in her expert hands. After showering, shaving and moisturising myself from head to toe, I sat down at Kate's vanity and let her have free rein over me. In just a short while, I'll be attending the Grey, Masquerade Charity Ball with Will and his wife.
Truthfully, I'm a bag of nerves and so glad Kate's here to do all of this for me as I'm in no fit state, my hands are shaking so much. Not only is it being held at Christian's mothers home, but Will, got confirmation from his wife, that Christian will definitely be in attendance. So she's determined to make me the belle of the ball this evening.
"I wish I was going with you." Kate utters suddenly, pulling me from my wondering thoughts.
She steps back from me and appraises her handy work as she finishes up with my hair and make up.
"Me too. I could do with the moral support." I tell her truthfully. Before closing my eyes and mouth as she sprays my curly up-do with a sprits of holding spray. I bite back a cough as Kate pulls a few curls loose to frame my face then sprays me again without warning.
"Forget that, you're brave, look absolutely beautiful and you can certainly handle Christian Grey. I want to go for a different reason, my own reasons." she say vivaciously, wiggling her eyebrows. Before indicting that I'm complete.
"Which are?" I ask, quirking an eyebrow, while standing and shrugging off my robe.
"Have you see his brother?" she chuckles, as she passes me a garment bag that holds the dress that she's deemed perfect for tonight.
"Only in pictures." I admit as I take the bag dubiously.
I gasp involuntarily as I pull open the bag and reach for the beautiful, Silver, floor length dress.
"Oh, Elliot Grey, is mighty fine. Maybe you could introduce us someday." Kate teases as she helps me step into the dress and zips me up.
"Yes, like that's going to happen. Christian, probably won't even notice me tonight." I retort.
"There's no chance of that happening." Kate chuckles as she steps away from me and heads towards her closet.
"You sound very confident. What makes you so sure?" I ask flippantly, as I sit on the corner of the bed and slip on a pair of strappy high heeled Silver shoes.
"Ana." Kate calls, causing me to turn and face her.
"Wow." I breathe, as I catch sight of my unrecognisable reflection in the mirror on her closet door.
"That's, why I'm so confident." she says softly as I stand and gape at myself.
My eyes take in every detail and I'm stunned at how a little time and effort can make so much difference. My hair is lush, shiny and curled beautifully, high on my head. A few curls fall, framing my face and neck to good effect. I look all feminine and regal and I can't help my slow growing smile. My make up is light, apart from my eyes, which are lined, dark and smoky. My dress is a strapless, silky creation and the tight fitted pleated bodice, shapes the dress beautifully and makes me feel amazing. Kate hands me a pair of tear drop earring and I just hope they aren't real diamonds as I'd hate to lose one.
"Christian, won't know what hit him." Kate chuckles, before spraying me with perfume and ushering me towards the door as the intercom buzzes.
"Kate, I..."
"Ana, you look beautiful, and I promise you, you'll have a wonderful night. Don't worry about anything, Will, is with you and he'll look after you. Now go, the limo is here. Text me at some point and let me know how it's going, okay?" she demands.
I nod as I thank her for all her help and hug her close in gratitude and farewell.
"I can feel that tonight is going to be something special, Ana. So I won't wait up." she utters close to my ear, before chuckling and pushing me out of the door.
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