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Dog owners, you may wanna grab a tissue.
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Chapter Thirty Five.
Tess.
Christian.
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Letting myself into the boat house, I immediately welcome the peace and quiet. After closing the door behind me, I head further into the building and make myself comfortable before finally allowing myself to relax. I'm tired, mentally rather than physically, but I know I've got no real cause to grumble. I knew what to expect this evening and truthfully, it could've been a hell of a lot worse.
It was enjoyable in a way, seeing mom and the rest of my family all together. It doesn't happen very often, so having dinner with them all was pleasant. i know we've also accomplished what we set out to do tonight and raised the money that's needed for the refurbishments to the children's wing at the hospital, so it was also productive. All in all it was a good night and I've played my part in it well.
Now, I have every right to flee from Mia and her infuriating, immature friends. I know it was unchivalrous of me to leave a girl stranded like that and mom will no doubt be pissed at me, but Mia should know better than to try and set me up with one of her friends. Surely she knows I only bid to appease her and add to the pot, I had no real intention of seeing my actions through. Well, by the time Mia realises that and finds me, it should all be over. So there is a method behind my madness to hide out in here.
As I stretch my body out on the sofa I'm reclining on, I close my eyes and think back to my earlier conversation with Elliot. Maybe, I should've invited Ana to be my guest this evening? I'm surprised by the random thought but ponder it over with interest. It did feel like something was missing tonight and in hindsight, it would've been a genuine reason to call her. I wish it would've crossed my mind earlier. I think she would've enjoyed this evening and after Elliot's positive response to finding out about her, it would've been nice to introduce her to everyone.
It would've been nice to have her on my arm.
Pity, I didn't have the foresight or the nerve to consider it earlier.
Elliot, makes it all sound so simple. "Just ask her out for dinner, coffee." he says, and I suppose it is simple in the big scheme of things it's just so unfamiliar to me, but really, what's the worst that could happen?
She could say, 'No.' echoes around in my head.
A melodic, soft voice, suddenly interrupts my musings scaring the shit out of me and instantly pissing me off. My first initial thought is that Mia's found me, but before the ire at my sister can rise and erupt, the vision that could only be Ana is in front of me. Sheer delight rushes through me at the thought of her being here, but when she removes her mask and her eyes lock with mine, delight, isn't the only thing I feel. The rush of desire, need, and blatant want that surges through me at the sight of her scares the hell out of me.
I've never felt anything so powerful.
Ana looks beautiful all dressed up, but it really isn't necessary. Underneath all the primping and preening you can see that she's beautiful. I know first hand that she's a natural beauty. When she was sat on my lap in just a shirt, I could see it for myself. Clearly. I want to tell her how amazing she looks but when I see her step closer a strange irrational feeling of terror comes with it.
It's like I'm overwhelmed by her presence, yet I have to fight the urge not to jump to my feet and take hold of her. It makes me nervous. She's so close, touchable, and I want to pull her into my arms.
Would she even let me hold her again? Will she ever want to touch me again? My initial fear dissipates quickly as Ana steps closer and I ease into the thought of it. I want her to touch me. I want to touch her. After holding her the other night, I definitely want to touch her again. In any capacity.
My head falls into my head as it pounds with frustration because she isn't mine to touch. My stomach rolls with sudden fear at the uncertainty and feelings she invokes in me and I begin to gush uncontrollably and have no real control over what I'm confessing to her, or why. I feel her take my hand from my hair and it helps clear my head when the heat from her skin warms mine.
Her words begin to reach me. Snippets, of our emotional rant penetrate and sink in, and before I realize that I've heard the words, 'she likes me too,' the sound of her asking, "Can I hug you?" puts an uncontrollable smile on my face.
Before I can utter a very needy, "Yes." her warmth is all around me. She's snug in my lap with her arms circling my head and she feels amazing pressed against me.
It takes a second or two for it to register with my stunned brain that she's right where I want her, but when it does, my arms wrap around her instinctively. I feel the heat and growing spark from her and my head falls onto hers as my arms tighten around her. I'm lost, in the smell of her hair and the feel of her in my arms, and it's all so easy and comforting.
It's like coming home.
"Oh, Ana." I can't help murmur against her.
I know she's heard me and feels the same desperate need as I do, when her whole body melts against mine.
She feels wonderful in my arms and I find myself taking a deep breath in through my nose, trying to pull her scent into my system as deep as possible. It invokes familiarity, comfort, and need. Ten minutes ago, she was on my mind, now, she's sitting in my lap. I can't believe she's here, never mind attending tonight and also partaken in the auction, but I shouldn't be surprised. The Grants are here after all. If I'd have known she'd accompanied them and that it was her I was blindly bidding for earlier, I would've swooped as soon as the gavel was hit and wouldn't have left her side for an instance. Fuck, she could have sat beside me throughout dinner.
Why did I not consider this? Why didn't I contact her regarding tonight? Why did I even leave her in the first place?
While fighting the urge to nuzzle and nibble on her slender exposed neck, I try to keep my body in check. I feel a sudden rush of arousal at the thought of her swaying against me while encased in my arms.
"I would very much like to dance with you, Anastasia." I find myself saying as I nestle my nose further into her hair.
Ana shudders, then chuckles against me before replying. "You had your chance mister and blew it, big time."
Ana's tone is teasing, but I can feel her underlining hurt even if she is trying to hide it. I pull back from her so I can see her face and purposefully look her in the eye.
"I apologise for leaving you like I did, Ana. I thought Mia was.."
"I know, I understand." she interrupts. "But I did feel like such an idiot when you didn't return." she confesses as her cheeks flush.
"I'm truly sorry for embarrassing you. We could go back? There's still time if you'd like to..." I offer, shifting my body in an attempt to stand.
"No, no, it's fine. I'm good right here." Ana says urgently as she snuggles back against me, ultimately holding me still.
My heart sky rockets at her reluctance to move and I can't help but pull her closer and fall into everything she could possibly offer.
As the minutes tick by I contemplate, pondering, how I spent years trying to replicate this. Why did I even waste my time with the likes of Leila and so many others? Why did I try to find something that was always unobtainable and could never be found in, or with, someone else?
There was only ever, one Ana. There's always been, only one Ana. I was a fool to think that anyone else could measure up to her and fill the void that she unknowingly created inside of me. Ana, is the only woman I want to spend my time with from now on. She, is the only woman I want to hold in my arms and if I'm lucky enough, have in my bed. I wonder how obtainable that would be? Has Ana even thought about me that way? I vaguely remember her saying something earlier about her feelings for me being more than friendship, but what does that mean exactly?
As if my hands have a mind of their own, they begin to move in order to test a theory. Ana hums to herself and shivers in a delightful way, when I blow gently on her neck and my hands run slowly down her back and come to rest on her hips. I smile against her, pleased with her response to me and my wandering hands.
I think I have my answer.
Our warm easy moment is disturbed, when the phone in my pocket underneath her, suddenly beeps and begins vibrating. Ana squirms a little as she pulls away from me before giggling and sliding from my lap.
"Sorry, please don't move. I'll ignore it." I state, while swiftly reaching out for her. I having no interest in answering my phone whatsoever right now, I want to keep a hold of her.
"No, it's fine. Please, deal with it." Ana says with a smile, dodging my out stretched hands.
I stand, silently cursing the person who's texting me so late.
As I pull out my phone, I don't take my eyes from Ana. She's standing a few feet away from me, trying to appear composed. By the look on her face, I think she actually welcomes this ill timed interruption. She appears to have a flush to her neck that's spreading across her shoulders, she seems to be breathing faster than normal, and I'm sure I've just seen her body quiver as she straightened out her dress. It delights me that she appears as effected by my presence as I am with hers. I attempt to hide my smug, satisfied smile as I glance down at my phone.
As I take in the words on the small screen, my whole world shifts and I feel my body slump forward. It's the text I've been dreading for days. My whole demeanour changes as the ripple of impending agony runs through me, and I know my time with Ana is over. I close my phone and my eyes and just take a moment to breathe. I know what this text means and the pain it carries with it, and it's the last thing I want to face right now.
"What it is?" Ana asks compassionately, instantly reading my body language and taking a small step toward me.
"It's a message from Sarah, Tess's companion." I explain. "Tess, she hasn't been so good these past few days. I need to head home."
"Oh...is Tess..." Ana's voice trails off as her eyes well up in understanding at my grief stricken face. I nod minutely, not wanting to explain further. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Ana offers, and I seize the opportunity.
"Come with me?" I ask desperately, feeling so cowardly for not wanting to go through this alone.
Ana, takes the hand I offer her and nods adamantly in agreement as she closes the gap between us. "I'll need to speak to Will and send a quick text to Kate..." Ana begins to gush.
"I'll have Taylor speak to The Grants, and you can text Kate from the car. We really need to go. I...I don't think we have much time." I tell her honestly, but hope to God that I'm wrong.
"Oh." she breathes in understanding, and her face falls.
I see the pain she feels for her long lost pup emitting from her as she holds my gaze, and I need to console her somehow. With no thought or hesitation, I pull her into a hug by the hand I'm holding. Without any preamble or conversation, we're soon clinging to each other. I feel her heart pounding, her warmth through my clothes, her shape conforming against mine and it feels good having her this close. I don't want to break this. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go home. I don't want to face what I know I must. I want to stay right here with this amazing woman who's encased in my arms and hide from what's to come.
As if she can feel my reluctance, Ana breaks our contact. "Come on." she utters softly as she unwraps herself from around me and takes hold of both my hands.
I nod as she squeezes my fingers in encouragement, and I can't resist, I need to kiss her in some shape or form before we go. I pull her back into my arms and press my lips firmly against the warm skin of her brow. My lips linger taking everything they can from her and I smile against her skin as her eyes drop closed and she hums softly to herself. She looks so content, so enthralled, so peaceful, and I want to kiss her from head to toe and watch her passion grow, but now is not the time.
Slowly, I pull my lips from her skin and break our contact. Ana's eyes slowly flutter open, but I don't think she's fully with me. While she appears to be slightly dazed, I gather her shoes and her purse and lead her quickly and quietly out of the boat house and straight to my car, which is parked at the back of the house.
Once we're both secure in the vehicle, I let the engine tick over as I text Taylor. After filling him in and instructing him to apologise to my mother for my abrupt departure, and give Ana's leave to The Grants, I then dismiss him and drive on autopilot towards the beach house.
The car is silent, apart from the deep purr of the V8s finely tuned engine, but surprisingly, it's not an uncomfortable, awkward silence. It's as if Ana knows that I need to be inside my own head right now, and is giving me the space that I need. It feels comfortable having her here beside me, it's nice having her so close.
Ana, seems quiet happy in herself during our journey, but she does glance my way apprehensively every few minutes. I can see her growing worry for Tess creasing her eyes the closer we get to the beach, but her posture, her body language, tells me that she's excited to be here with me. Her eyes may be heavy with worry, but they're bright when they meet mine. Her cheeks suddenly flush as she squirms in her seat, and I know for sure that she'd be smiling right now if the mood and circumstances weren't so sombre.
In no time at all I pull up at the beach house, and my heart drops at the exact same moment that Ana's soft, but pain filled groan, breaks the silence. We both notice the parked car and signage upon it and understand what it means to have the vet already in attendance. Things must be worse than I thought if Sarah has called Richard without waiting for instruction from me.
I've been dreading this day for so long, even though I knew it was inevitable and unavoidably close. I've seen the change in Tess over the past year or so and age has certainly caught up with her during that time. Sarah, has kept me up to date with her ailments as they took over her body one by one slowing her down, but it was unnecessary, I could see them clearly for myself and knew what it meant.
Taking Ana's hand firmly in mine, we cross the threshold of the house and I lead her straight into the kitchen. Tess, is where I expect her to be, curled up in her bed near the stove. Sarah, is kneeling beside her, cooing and petting her gently. Richard, the lead vet from the centre where Sarah volunteers is stood beside them watching them both compassionately.
I think I greet them as they notice our entrance into the kitchen but I keep my gaze on Tess. I listen, numbly, stoically to Richard, as he says hello and begins to explain the situation. I hear how there's nothing he can do. Kidney failure. It's time to let her go. All he can do is make her comfortable. We have time to say goodbye.
I'm only half listening.
I hear Sarah sob and Ana gasps as her hand grips mine tighter. I feel my head nod in understanding but keep my focus on Tess. I feel my eyes sting with the tears I don't want to shed in public the longer I look at her, but I can't turn away. I'll break if I do. I shift my body, turning slightly, allowing Ana to lean into me. She grips my side tightly and I wrap my arm around her shoulders, thankful for her support.
After a few minutes of grief filled silence, I finally pull my eyes from Tess and meet Richards compassionate gaze. He looks at me expectantly but I find I have nothing to say. Even if I wanted too, I know I couldn't utter a word. My throat is tight and my chest is so painfully compressed that I'm surprised I can even breathe right now.
"I've given her something to calm and ease her along, Mr Grey." Richard says when he realises I'm mute. "As painful as I know this is, take comfort in knowing that she isn't suffering any longer. She has been in a lot of pain recently. Enjoy your time with her...she doesn't have long." he adds in his well practiced, steady, voice, before patting my shoulder and heading off into the living room.
I hear Sarah's heart breaking sob just before her body sags and covers Tess. She hugs her friend and kisses her goodbye, before standing and turning to face me. As she holds my eye, she has tears running down her puffy cheeks and is attempting to pull herself together enough for speech.
"I'm.. I'm so sorry, Mr Grey. I..." she begins to sputter, and I know this is just as heart breaking for her as it is for me.
"I know, Sarah. Thank you, for being here with her." I manage to utter.
She nods at me before wiping her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve, and I know she needs comforting right now. I stare at her gormlessly as her body shakes and her tears continue to flow. Ana must feel her distress just as much as I do because she frees herself from my grip and pulls Sarah into her arms.
The two women, who are strangers to each other, hold each other tightly. Ana begins to stroke Sarah's hair and mutter sweet, calming words into her ear. I watch and feel their shared heartbreak but I'm unable to do anything to help either of them. After a few minutes, Ana pulls away from Sarah and passes her a small drying towel that's hanging from the door of the stove. They speak, but I don't hear what they say. Sarah, dabs at her eyes before smiling at us both and following Richard into the living room.
I have no idea what's going on.
I turn to Ana, needing her guidance on what the fuck I should do now, but her eyes are pooling heavily and she seems just as broken as I am. I don't pause to think, I just react to the sight of her and pull her into me. Needing to comfort her, and myself, I wrap my arms around her and welcome her embrace. I hold her close, trying to draw strength from her, hoping I can hold it together.
Resting my chin on Ana's shoulder, I look down at Tess on the floor behind her. I gulp down the knot in my throat as my eyes begin to burn. As if Tess can feel me watching her, her eyes slowly open. Her gaze meets mine and it's as if I can see the relief flood through her because I'm here. Her gaze seems kind, knowing, and I'm sure if she could smile right now she would. I feel Ana sniffle against me and grip my waist tighter, and I know what we have to do.
"Come on." I whisper to Ana as I let her go, step around her and bend down to lift Tess into my arms.
Carrying Tess, cradling her close to my chest, is so reminiscent of a night from long ago and I find myself holding her tighter. I cling to her, as I clung to her then, even though she's a lot bigger now. I'll be forever grateful that she had a chance to grow and have a good life with me.
Images of the time I've spent with her over the years begin to play like a montage in my minds eye. I see her straight after the accident recovering, healing, growing, playing, becoming everything I've ever wanted in a friend. I would've been lost without her after the accident and growing up.
I will, be lost without her now.
Wanting to do this properly, I turn toward the back door that leads out onto the deck. "Could you open the door, please?" I manage to ask Ana. My voice just about holding together.
Ana nods at me with sympathy as she picks up the train of her dress and holds the door wide for me. She follows me outside without a second thought, and together we trudge our way through the sand to the gazebo. Tess, nudges my chest in gratitude as I lay her down on the soft sand, and I want to smile but my throat and face are painfully rigid.
Tess loves it out here, it's her favourite resting spot, so I know I've made the right decision. It's a beautiful night, the sky is clear with a bright full moon and a warm breeze wafts over us, but I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to lose her. Not tonight.
I can hear Ana sniffing as I lay myself down beside Tess, and I can't look at her. I know it'll finally break me if I see her distress. I keep my eyes on Tess as Ana settles herself on the other side of her. We're a strange sight, both laying on our sides, wrapped around Tess. Me in my Tux, and Ana, in her long flowing gown. Neither of us seem to care that were ruining our clothes but I inwardly smile as I see Ana tug off her shoes as I pull open my bow tie.
Tess shifts, looking between the two of us with her big, sad, puppy dog eyes that she's never quiet lost. It's as if she knows what's happening to her right now and it breaks my heart to see her like this. Ana's too. I can feel it.
After a few quiet and sombre minutes of neither of us taking our eyes or thoughts from Tess, I think she knows the end is here.
Tess, looks between us both and licks my hand before nudging Ana's arm. She settles herself down between us and I watch her closely as her eyes close and her chest lifts and falls for the very last time. My throat contorts painfully as my eyes well and my heart twists in my tightening chest and I can't control my sob.
Sadness, a bone crushing, chest compressing, throat wringing sadness over powers me at the sight of loosing my only true friend and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do without her.
Ana sobs and falls over Tess as soon as she realizes she's gone and I follow her movements without thought.
Covering her body with mine, I hold her, so grateful for having her here with me. Together, our sobs coincide and our tears pour as we say goodbye to the courageous heart that brought us both together, all those years ago.
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Goodbye, Tess.
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