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Chapter Thirty Six.
Solace.
Ana.
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Sitting side by side at the foot of the stairs, both of us, just staring at the closed front door, has gone beyond uncomfortable now. I've grown more and more agitated as the minutes have ticked by and now, I'm bubbling with frustration. All I want to do is pull Christian into my arms and comfort him, but honestly, I think any sudden movement would startle him and send him running. He feels like a tightly coiled spring sat beside me, and I can sense that it wouldn't take much to have him ricocheting off the walls.
So I daren't move.
The silence that envelopes us, that's what's getting to me the most though. It's uncomfortable, imposing and strangely deafening. I want to break it. I want to offer words of condolence, sympathy and express my support, but I don't know where to start. Plus, I'm debating, will Christian even want to hear them? Will he want the silence broken? He seems so lost inside his own head.
So for now, I daren't say anything either.
Suddenly, Christian's head falls into his hands with a heavy despondent sigh. I eagerly turn to face him as he finally shifts beside me. He looks up at me with pooling, pleading grey eyes and I feel my face contort compassionately at the sight of him.
"Would you...would you mind staying here tonight?" Christian whispers, and even though they're the first words he's spoken since the vet left with Tess, they don't surprise me.
The look of pure devastation on his face when he placed Tess into the back of the vets car, was enough to convince me that he needs me right now. He looked so broken as he carried Tess from the beach and lay her down on her bed. Sarah, had obviously thought ahead and placed it there in readiness. She also left with the vet, wanting to remain with Tess until the very end and to give us a little space, I think. She'll stay with her parents for now and return in a few days with Tess's ashes as Christian wants to scatter them while out on The Grace.
Even now, nearly an hour later, Christian still looks so empty and lost. I know he feels Tess's loss more than I do so there's no way I'm leaving him alone tonight. Even if he hadn't have asked me to stay, I would have. Voluntarily.
"Yes, I'd like that." I whisper, before I'm even aware that I've spoken.
Christian looks instantly relieved and quickly runs his hands over his face. His posture loosens as he stands, takes hold of my hand and pulls out his phone. After a very brief conversation with Taylor, he secures the doors to the house, sets the alarm and turns off all the downstairs lights. While he's done all of this, he's held my hand tightly in his and lead me throughout his house. I've followed him blindly, my head, crammed with scenarios of spending the night here with Christian.
Will he want to sit up all night and reminisce about the friend he's just lost, or will he want to remain silent? Will he want me close to him or am I being lead to a guest bedroom? I want to stay with him, but what does he want?
I don't have to wait too long to find out.
"Would you...would you mind sharing my room?" he asks, when we're half way up the stairs.
He sounds nervous and looks a bit unsure of himself, and of course I know why, but I think he needs this from me tonight. His feet falter on the stairs as his question hangs in the air, and I realise that I've yet to answer him. His fingers squeeze mine gently as I meet his eye and I can't help but smile up at him.
I feel my heart begin to pound and my cheeks heat at the thought of sharing a room, never mind the possibility of sharing a bed with Christian.
"It's not so... I don't mean for..." Christian suddenly begins to splutter nervously, when he sees the flush blooming on my face.
"I know. I understand." I manage to get out, and I smile when I see his embarrassment dissolve. He shakes his head for some strange reason and mutters something to himself, before continuing to tow me along.
"Do you need anything?" he asks politely as we reach the top of the stairs and head for his room.
I shake my head as he opens the door, leads me inside and switches on the nearest bedside lamp. At the sight of the huge, perfectly made bed, my nerves and any growing worries I have with sharing this space with Christian, evaporate. The bed looks so inviting and I'm suddenly physically drained and utterly exhausted.
Crying, will do that to a person, I suppose.
Christian, appears unsure of what to do now that I'm actually in here and begins to glance around the room nervously. He looks everywhere but at me. He no doubt feels dubious about asking me to stay now, and if I thought for a second that there would be anything sexual about us being together tonight, I would hold the same nerves, but it's not, so I don't. Even though it's going to be hard not to think about that, when I'm laying in bed next to him.
Christian, hasn't thought that far ahead. Just the sleeping arrangements are a problem. Just my being in this room is a problem.
I remember Leila's shocking revelation to Kate and I, how Christian had never shared his bed with her. Christian himself, has told me more than once, how he hates to be touched and has never allowed anyone to get close to him. I'll respect that side of him while we're together tonight, but I think he and I have cleared that boundary. Or at least, tiptoed over it. He doesn't seem to mind my touch, he even encourages and initiates it. I'm sure he can feel the ease we have with each other, so I don't think a few hugs will hurt. He'll need them tonight.
I squeeze Christian's hand and it seems to pull him out of his doubt filled stupor. I smile at him with understanding, holding his eye until I see him relax. He smiles softly and it surprises me, when he lifts my hand to his lips and kisses the back of it firmly. His eyes leave mine as my spine ripples uncontrollably.
Once his lips leave my skin he releases my hand and without a word, heads for the closet on the other side of the room. My eyes follow his every step and I feel them widen, when he removes his jackets and tosses it carelessly onto a nearby chair. The muscles that ripple under his tight, white, dress shirt are captivating and I quickly pull my eyes away from him and try and take stock of his room. Anything to distract myself.
The room is masculine, impersonal and void of any real clutter. No photos, no keepsakes or trinkets. No sign of Christian at all. If it wasn't for the room smelling so strongly of him, I wouldn't know this room was his at all. I close my eyes and take a deep lung full of air, swallowing the essence that is truly Christian. It's heavenly. When my eyes slowly open, I catch sight of myself in a full length mirror across the room and realize that I'm still wearing my gown.
The Gala, seems like a life time ago now.
"I could do with something to sleep in." I call out toward the closet door.
Christian appears a few moments later, bare chested, dressed only in loose fitting sleep pants. He can't seem to hold my eye as he approaches and offers me a similar pair of pants and a light blue T-shirt. I flush, suddenly feeling all warm and tingly at the thought of sleeping in his clothes. My palms begin to sweat and I can feel my breathing deepen the longer I look at the semi-naked man in front of me.
This, is really happening.
Christian, doesn't seem to notice my reaction to him or my wandering thoughts, but I don't think he's aware of much at the moment. He still looks so tired, so despondent, so doleful. His eyes are trained on the floor and it's clear to see that his thoughts are elsewhere. He certainly doesn't need me drooling, or crawling for that matter, all over him. He needs my help and support right now.
"The bathroom is through there. Please, freshen up and change." he says quietly, but I can still hear the apprehension running through his voice.
I smile in gratitude before heading away to give him some space, but then it dawns on me what I'm wearing.
"Would you mind?" I ask Christian as I retrace my steps and turn my back to him.
I loiter in front of him and his eyebrow creases at me when I glance over my shoulder expectantly. I don't think he's heard me, so I point over my shoulder, repeating, that I need his help with unhooking my dress.
"Oh, sorry. Of course." he states immediately, before stepping forward to help me.
When I feel his fingers touch my skin, I can't help but hold my breath. Slowly, far too slowly, his fingers trail the nape of my neck as they brush the loose curls of hair that have fallen free over my shoulder. My eyes want to drop closed. Goosebumps, shiver down my spine at the contact, and I can feel the heat from his fingers as they run down my back and take hold of the top of my dress. They linger, before I feel his warm breath on my shoulder and feel the zipper being lowered a few inches.
I can feel the heat from him as he's drawn closer to me and I want to lean back and melt against him. I want to feel his arms wrap around me and the firmness of him pressed against me. I want to let my dress fall and turn around to face him. Suddenly, I hear his breath hitch close to my ear and feel him take a swift step back, and I know it's because my body has begun to bow into his.
Only when there's a little distance between us can I regain my focus and manage to breathe more normally.
"Thank you." I mutter, flustered and keen to head away.
"Wait." Christian suddenly commands and my feet take root.
Before I can turn to see what he wants, he takes hold of my shoulders to keep me still and then his fingers are back. I try and hold myself as still as possible when I feel him begin to pull the clips from my hair. Once he's removed them all, it surprises me, when I feel his fingers fan out and run through the curls to loosen them. My eyes drop, my neck rolls, and my body shivers at this intimate action, and of course, his nearness.
"Go, go and change Anastasia." Christian suddenly says in a deep, gruff voice. A voice that I've never heard before, and I can barely remain on my feet.
Holding my arms across my chest so that my dress won't slip, I thank him again before quickly heading into the bathroom on very shaky legs. Once the door is closed behind me, I lean back against it, thankful for it's support. I take a few deep gulps of air as my body continues to tremble from head to toe. All he did was touch my hair, brush my back and exhale his warm breath on my shoulder, but boy, I can feel him core deep, so much so that I'm still quivering. How on earth am I going to be able to share his bed?
What is it about him? He only has to be close to me and I physically react to him. I've always felt drawn to him, connected to him in some way, but this, this is completely overwhelming. Finding him attractive is one thing, craving to touch and be touched by him is something else. Something new.
Oh, what have I gotten myself into?
While shaking my head in an attempt to clear it, I allow my dress to fall to the floor. Stepping out of it, I quickly retrieve it, then hang it on a hook on the back of the door. Heading over to the sink, I place the clothes Christian gave me beside it before running the cold water. Cupping my hands to collect the liquid, I splash it over my flushed face a few times before running my damp hands round the back of my neck. The water and cool air are helping my skin to breathe and my head to clear, but I'm still feeling very hot and bothered. I just can't seem to calm myself down but it's hardly surprising, I've totally turned to mush.
Stood in a strange bathroom, looking at myself in only my underwear, it hits me again that I'm actually going to be sharing Christian's bed. Something, no one else has ever done before. Something I've never done before. I feel exhilarated, despite my fatigue, knowing I'll be so close to him. I'll be laying next to him, sleeping beside him. Able to touch him. The thought kicks my body off again and as the shivers of excitement run from my scalp down to the soles of my feet, I try to distract myself by dressing.
Slipping Christian's T-shirt over my head, the soft, worn cotton feels nice against my skin, especially since I've just removed my strapless bra. His T-shirt reaches my mid thighs and covers everything that needs to be hidden, so I don't bother with the sleep pants that he's given me. They're far too big for me anyway, and with the way my heart is pounding and my body is over reacting to the thought of what's to come, they'll no doubt cause me to swelter.
Gathering all my hair together, I pull it into a sloppy bun and secure it on the top of my head. Glancing around the bathroom, I see Christian's toiletries gathered neatly beside the sink, including his toothbrush. I debate for a second on whether to use it or not, but then think better of it. Taking a peak inside the mirrored vanity unit in front of me, I see a brand new one still in its wrapping. After opening it and using it, I place it in the glass tumbler beside Christian's.
Who would've thought this day would end with me brushing my teeth in Christian's bathroom. I never thought for a second it would end with me sharing his bed. The most I hoped for from this evening was maybe a dance or two and the swapping of phone numbers. It's just so heart breaking that we had to lose Tess, in order to end up like this. My mood quickly turns sombre and I'm thankful, because it banishes all the inappropriate thoughts I'm having and pulls me back together.
Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I inhale deeply and slowly blow out a lung full of air. With a renewed determination, I turn and head out of the bathroom before I can change my mind. Subconsciously, hoping that I can control myself around Christian.
As I step into Christian's bedroom, all the apprehension that's built up within me vanishes in an instant.
I don't know where I expected to find Christian, maybe settled in bed already, but I certainly didn't expect to find him slumped on the side of his bed. His head is in his hands and his fists are gripping his hair tightly. He's rocking, his breathing is laboured and he's clearly trying to fight and contain the grief he's feeling. The sight of this beautiful, broken man brings me to tears and I don't think twice as I cross the room with the single purpose of comforting him.
As I reach him, without any hesitation or warning, he takes hold of my hips and pulls me into him, so that I'm stood in between his knees. He wraps his arms tightly around my waist and buries his face into my stomach. Within seconds, I can feel my shirt dampening from the heavy tears he's finally letting free and my heart shatters for him. I feel so much empathy for him that I find it hard to contain my own sob as I lean over him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. My fingers dive into his hair, pulling him even closer to me as his unhindered sobs take hold.
After a few minutes of us both openly crying, I ease my hands down his back and rub comfortingly. I coo softly, unsure of what I'm saying exactly but my words are soft and gentle. It must be what he needs because I feel his body relax and his tears begin to cease. I keep hold of him, enjoying his firm, warm body being so close to mine. I feel his breath, warm on my torso, deepen as his arms unravel from around me. His fists clench my T-shirt tightly, close to my hips, when my fingers run up his spine, up his neck and back into his hair. His body shudders and I'm unsure if it's another sadness fuelled shudder or an enjoyable, involuntary one. Reluctantly, I loosen my grip from around Christian and step away from him.
Christian's hands leave my hips and drop beside him onto the bed. He looks up at me and his face, even though stricken and holding embarrassment for crying, is alive with something else. His eyes darken and his breathing quickens the longer we hold eye contact. Feeling the pull towards him and fighting the usual urge to jump into his lap, I step around him and circle the bed. He hasn't asked me to share his bed, but there's no way I'm leaving him. So I don't wait for an invite.
Pulling back the covers, I clamber in, just hoping that I haven't inadvertently taken his preferred side. Christian doesn't say anything but his eyes are on me, watching my every move.
Despite the intense look on Christian's face, I know that he's never shared this bed with anyone, and I can see that hesitation and wariness too.
"Come on, get in. You must be shattered. I know I am." I say light heartedly, trying to ease what could soon be a really uncomfortable and awkward situation.
I can see that he's dubious, but I can also see a excitement growing in his doleful eyes. Silently, he turns off the bedside lamp and climbs in beside me. The room is basked in a steely glow from the full moon and open drapes enabling me to see him. Christian lays himself down beside me, attempting to leave some space between us and just stares up at the ceiling.
After a few silent minutes, I roll onto my side and watch him. He looks so handsome in this low light, even if his face is set determinedly and he's still focused on the ceiling. I can see his lingering grief and uncertainty, but it's contradicted by the fire still simmering in his eyes.
I'm not having this. I can't let him wallow in his grief. Tonight, he needs comforting. Tess, was the only companion he had and now she's gone. I understand that, so I want to help him through this. I loved Tess too, but I lost her years ago, she was Christian's true friend and companion for years. Not mine.
"Christian." I whisper.
"Yes." He answers immediately, his voice dry and broken.
"Would you please, hold me?" I ask, my voice, still low.
His breathing seems to stop after his surprised gasp, and I'm unsure if it's because he doesn't want to or because he never has before. So without thinking about it too much, or giving him any time to panic, I roll into him and snuggle into his side before he can stop me.
It only takes a matter of moments before he moves, and I smile to myself, when I feel his arms slide around me. I feel his heart and breathing restart as I wrap my arms over him and lay my head on his bare chest. It's hard and soft and so warm, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
"Thank you, Ana, for being here." Christian utters softly into my hair.
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." I reply against his chest.
"Thank you, all the same." he whispers.
I know he's thanking me for my everything this evening and not just the warmth and comfort I'm providing him now. I feel myself smile against his chest as I nod, because I don't want to ruin this moment by speaking. I snuggle into him further getting more comfortable, when I feel his chest hum and vibrate under my cheek after he sighs a deep sigh of contentment.
"I never did get a chance to dance with you." I find myself muttering a few minutes later, as the heat and security from him sinks into me and begins to sooth me to sleep.
"There's always tomorrow." he whispers as his lips press firmly onto my brow and his arms tighten around me.
"Yes, tomorrow." I murmur, before sleep engulfs me and my eyes drop closed.
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A/N.
Apologies, real life sure can get in the way sometimes.