"I'm telling you, something about that Portkey felt odd! The colors were wrong, it felt more like falling than spinning, and now we don't know where we are!" a male voice complained as he and his two friends wandered into a neon-colored building.
"Come on, Ron! The Portkey was fine, it was just set wrong! Be sensible!" the bushy-haired girl walking beside him scoffed. Ron's retort was cut off, however, by a voice.
"You of all people, Miss Granger, should know that wizards who have even an ounce of logic are a rare commodity indeed," Sirius remarked from behind the counter. They hadn't stopped walking during their argument, and as such they had wandered instinctively to the redemption counter for the arcade.
Hermione immediately whipped her head around to stare at him, demanding, "How do you know my name?!"
"You're an inter-dimensional example to people about the dangers of time travel," the boy deadpanned, reaching under the counter to pull out a pamphlet with a wizarding photo of Hermione; the title was, 'What NOT to Do Five Minutes Before Now: A Comprehensive Warning about Time Travel'
Showing it to them and ignoring Hermione's reddening cheeks, he switched to a bad, obviously-fake French accent and asked, "Did you hear about zat Hermione Granger girl? Used a Time Turner to save a hippogriff and zat Sirius Black fellow! All fit vis ze time paradox seory, but still! Totally irresponsible!"
"That is bloody amazing!" Ron said approvingly, which turned out to be the completely wrong thing to say. Hermione launched into a rant about her international slash inter-dimensional reputation.
"Time paradox theory?" Harry piped up, also ignoring Hermione, and Sirius beamed at his curiosity.
"A theory that states that, if the effects of a certain case of time travel have already happened, it has to happen," he explained, continuing when he saw Harry's confused look, "Using what happened last year as an example, do you remember how Hermione hit you with that snail shell? The theory states that she had to go back in time so she'd be able to hit you with the shell. If she didn't, she wouldn't have been there to hit you with it, and so there'd be no way for it to happen. Make sense?"
After a few seconds, Harry nodded. The boy smiled and said, "Good!"
Reaching under the counter again, he pulled out a stack of four books, each with Harry's name emblazoned on the spine, and a piece of paper with a pre-charmed Dictaquill. Sliding them over to the bespectacled wizard, Sirius said quickly, "This is an account of the next four years from your perspective. Read them over at your leisure, but the big things for this year are as follows: The Quidditch World Cup will be invaded by Death Eaters. Keep an eye out for a House Elf named Winky, she'll be ordered to steal your wand once the attack happens. Hogwarts will play host to the Triwizard Tournament this year, an incredibly dangerous series of three tasks. Mad-Eye Moody, who will really be a Polyjuiced Bartemius Crouch Junior, will Confund the Goblet of Fire into entering you under a fourth school. You'll do well the first and second tasks, but the third task will see you and Cedric Diggory, the Hogwarts champion, tie for first. The Cup will be a Portkey that leads to a graveyard; Pettigrew will kill Cedric and use your blood to resurrect old Moldybutt-" an arcade game burst into flames,"-and you'll duel. Your wands each have a phoenix tail feather core, both from Fawkes, which will render them useless against each other. Your two spells meeting will initiate a Priori Incantatem that will bring forward the ghosts of your parents and Moldybutt's-" the front window shattered," -other victims, who will distract him long enough for you to escape with Cedric's body."
Harry had gone into a sort of informative coma, his emerald eyes glazed over as he absorbed this information. He blinked and shook his head just as the Dictaquill finished scratching the last letter onto the paper, and with a flick of his fingers to dry the ink Sirius folded the paper and gave it to Harry. "So, to recap. Winky and wand, Moody is Crouch, third task equals Cedric dying. Bad," Sirius admonished, wagging his finger, and Harry snickered.
Ron and Hermione had wandered a little ways away to have one of their tension-caused arguments, and after a quick glance, Sirius asked, "So...you and Hermione," raising an eyebrow.
Harry immediately blushed, catching Sirius' meaning in an instant. "Well..." he began, a bit flustered, "I guess...I mean I've thought about her...in that way, sure, but..."
He paused, embarrassed, then finished lamely, "She's like a sister to me."
"No offence, but you're an only child," Sirius pointed out.
Harry blinked once, very slowly, then gave a flat, "Shit."
Laughing, Sirius agreed, "Indeed. Don't worry though, I think Ron would be just fine. Half-Blood Prince has him in a relationship with Lavender Brown, so there's that."
Sighing in relief, Harry agreed, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Great. Now, about your godfather," Sirius began, pulling out another piece of paper and setting the Dictaquill up. Harry groaned, and Sirius assured him, "Don't worry, this one's much shorter."
Clearing his throat, Sirius said, "You're Sirius' cousin through your grandmother, Dorea Potter neé Black, his mother's aunt. This means you're the uncle of both Draco Malfoy and Nymphadora Tonks, you're related to the Weasleys because Molly and Sirius are cousins by marriage, and you're a candidate for the Head of House Black even if Sirius' Will isn't executed. On that note, get into contact with a classmate of yours, Susan Bones. Ask her to tell her Aunt Amelia, the Head of the DMLE, that Sirius never received a trial, and that he rotted away in Azkaban for twelve years for a crime he was never convicted of. Offer to give your memories as proof. She'll be unable to unearth the lack of records and get a trial started for him."
After the quill finished with that, and Harry was back in the land of the living, Sirius advised, "This isn't as important, per sé, but contact Gringotts and ask them about being a Head of House. Also ask them why you've not received any bank statements."
"Do you know why?" Harry asked with a skeptical eyebrow raised, and Sirius gave a noise of indecision.
"I do, though it might be a bit much," he warned, not wanting to dump everything on him, but Harry was tired of being kept out of the loop.
"Go ahead, I'm all ears," Harry said with a confident smile, and Sirius shrugged.
"Albus Dumbledore has been purposely keeping you ignorant about wizarding affairs because there's a piece of Voldemort's soul stuck in your forehead," Sirius told him conversationally.
The poor boy fainted.
A quick Enervate fixed that problem, Sirius coming out from behind the counter and stooping down to help the shaky wizard to his feet. "Those two didn't even notice," he remarked as Harry swayed again, absently letting the black-haired boy lean against him.
A few minutes later Harry stood straight again under his own power, flashing a bashful grin at Sirius before asking, "So, I'm sorry, but what?"
Sirius laughed and said, "That's okay, it's a bit much for someone to handle. It's all in book seven, but basically, Voldemort split his soul and put pieces of it into six objects. You saw one of them down in the Chamber of Secrets. The rest of it was so unstable that, when your mother's sacrificial magic protected you, the positive emotion powering it bashed into the negativity of what remained of his soul and splintered a bit of it off, which anchored itself to you. That's why you've been having nightmares; you have a link into Voldemort's mind."
At Harry's panicked look Sirius reassured him quickly, "Don't worry, the goblins have a ritual to take care of it," and Harry calmed down significantly. Just in time too.
"Okay Harry, I've managed to find the spell to make a Portkey in one of my books, so we can be off now," Hermione announced as she and Ron strode back over.
Sirius' eyes widened in alarm, and he cried, "What?! But there's so much stuff I still need to tell you!"
And then a police box flashed into existence, an odd sound announcing its arrival.
The door opened to reveal Sirius, who waved to his doppelganger behind the counter, strode over to Harry, and smashed his forehead against the raven's. "Of course, that's just the general situation. Here's the details," he remarked, then smashed their foreheads together again. With another cheery wave, he flounced back into the police box and closed the door. The box vanished soon after.
"Oh. Okay then," a now-calm Sirius said, sounding relieved, "You can leave now."
"But...what was that?! Where did that police box come from?! Was that an advanced time turner?! And why did you head-butt Harry?!" Hermione demanded, sounding frantic, but Sirius wagged a finger in admonishment.
"Now now, you don't want another time travel pamphlet, do you?" he asked her, and Hermione flushed again before shutting her mouth with a click. "Good," Sirius said approvingly, plucking the Dictaquill from the counter and tapping it with his finger. It glowed blue for a moment before fading, and he handed it to the three students with a smile.
They took hold of it without a word, not wanting to risk any more strangeness, and a moment later they vanished in a flash of pink light.