...Darkness. It was dark, and cold, and meaningless. That is the only way I know how to describe what came after the fire. I had only the barest shimmer of light inside me, and it took a very, very long time to notice. It was nearly nonexistent, a far cry from the blazing glow that had filled my soul before. The others each had a similar spark, and this was my only way to see them. It was cold, and pitch black. All of them were just as blind as I was, and most did not see what I could. We could not move, or speak. It felt like an eternity. It was an eternity.
I did not know why I was still around. My purpose was up. I wished to sleep in peace, rid myself of the anger that had wormed it's way into me, and spread throughout my soul like a disease.
Why was I not dead?
I had been incinerated, my soul sacrificed to feed the fire.
These thoughts whirled through my mind, as I floated in the dark.
I stepped from the ashes, feeling the warmth seeping into my armor in my left hand. The other hand clasped inside it seemed tiny by comparison, puny, delicate. Nevertheless, it was mine that shook. I had not left my post since I was exiled there. Even now, some part of me wished to return, end this nightmare that was a dream. Things were simpler. Since he had arrived...my mind was coming back. Slowly. I..I don't think I want it back. But it's still coming. All the thoughts... Everything was simpler... and I still don't have everything back yet...Just enough to notice the hole in my mind. Gahhh...I don't want to know...I don't want to...but it's coming back...no, stop. Stop thinking. I can't..
...ok, just concentrate on what's around you. Stone. I am in the bottom of an upside down bowl, and there is fire in the middle. He is here, hand folded inside mine. I give it a squeeze. He flinches. I've hurt him. Oh no.
"...you...alright...?"
He nods. I look around the bowl. There are five big chairs at one end, and lots of little holes in the walls. There is a girl standing on the stairs leading to a big hole. She has white hair, braided in a long line down her back. I looked away. The environment was quiet, calming. I just had to stop thinking about what had happened.
Everything was going to be fine, I didn't need to worry. Except- GAH! Thoughts filled my head once more. I needed it to stop, for the fog to swallow me again. I didn't want the intelligence and individuality that was being crammed into my mind by the second. It was painful. It made me question things I had known to be true. I didn't want to question. I hadn't questioned in years, I had been oblivious, happy to do anything. ...go away.
I made a small noise, staring at my protector's pocket. The ring could make it all go away, make the clouds cover my mind again until the was nothing left. It could make me disappear. I could stop questioning my honor, stop questioning the Pontiff. Everything would be right. I took a step forward, my other hand drifting to his pocket. Gentle fingers eased inside, and grabbed the ring, I withdrew my hand, sliding the ring-
-his other hand whipped around, grabbing my wrist. He squeezed, hard, prying my hand open. He took the ring off the tip of my finger.
"...I can't let you do that."
He put the ring back in his pocket, and I yanked my hand away. He resumed his conversation with the girl. When had that started? I hadn't been paying attention, and I couldn't make any sense of what they were talking about.
I stared at the back of his head, glaring underneath my helmet. I'd have to be more careful next time. He meant well, but he didn't understand. He couldn't.
...at least I wasn't changing physically. I hoped that didn't ever happen. I liked the changes from my original form. I was stronger, for one.The Pontiff had taught me to swing a sword, but before I transformed I could barely lift one. The two I had now would have ripped my arms off if I tried to use them. My skin was tough. My armor had become part of me, nerves and skin spreading up through the metal plates until the rift between my flesh and the metal couldn't be seen. My face had been excluded from this treatment, I thought. My helmet had long since fused with my neck, so I couldn't look, but I could guess that my helmet was too far away, and of too dissimilar shape for it to bond.
I once tried to take the helmet off, to get a better look at myself. It was in the early days, when I resented the change. I undid the clasps, only to find the metal stuck. I didn't know what was happening, as the nerves hadn't spread into the surface yet, and I didn't have the sense of touch. The silken padding on the inside of the metal had gone, and my helmet yanked on my skin when I tried to remove it. I tried for hours, and it kept getting increasingly painful. I didn't dare try to open it with a knife, as I would have been clumsy enough to accidentally stab myself in the throat.
...I cried for the last time, that day. After that, the clouds descended, and I was at peace. I came to love the form I had taken, and though I didn't know what was happening most of the time, I knew it was good.
...The nightmares were the only bad thing that troubled me, and they were easily forgotten. It was easy to let go of the images of me in a murderous frenzy, standing over a schoolroom full if children. I was not like that. I spent my days in laziness, in towns of people that adored me. Why does that image trouble me so much, now? I shouldn't be afraid. I know who I am. I wouldn't do something like that...right?
I felt a pull in my gut. It had been ages since I last felt anything, so I instantly was alert. I looked around, scanning the blackness. Or was it blackness? I couldn't see the others anymore. They were all gone, just me, floating in the...gray? I couldn't see, but all the space around me vibrated with the tiniest fraction of energy. I felt warmth. It wasn't on my face, because I didn't have a face. Instead, it was concentrated in my husk of a soul. I felt...sparks? I looked down. My soul was visible again, not...dead? My surroundings were bright now, magic was pouring from seemingly nowhere, filling the space. I couldn't turn it off. I have no eyes to shut, but it wasn't even real light. It was a beam of magical energy that blinded my sightless eyes. I felt the new warmth in my soul grow, ignite. It was a good feeling, a little overwhelming since I hadn't felt anything in a long time. All of a sudden- it stopped. My soul was a raging inferno, just as it had been during life. I would have been smiling, had I a face. The magical brightness was gone, replaced with...still the blackness of blindness, but something else, too. I cast my vision left and right, and was infinitely surprised to see three souls, almost directly above me. I made a little sound, then gasped. I had made noise. I was searching for some cause for this odd chain of events, trying to figure out why there were Souls above me, and I had made sound. There was no noise in death. I shivered. It was...cold? All at once, I felt a cold stone floor, and a slight breeze made my..it made my hair tickle my shoulders? I had shoulders. The souls moved, distracting me. I felt hands on my shoulders, my stomach, and being lifted up. I opened my mouth, but the very act of having a mouth stunned me into silence. I felt someone's shoulder digging into my torso, and knew I was being carried. Someone shook my head, and all at once, I realized I could hear them. It was a male voice, and I could hear it saying that someone should shut up, she's probably confused and shocked. Who were they talking about? I didn't know. I heard the voices cut off at once, and I was gently set down on something soft and springy. It was cold, and the breeze washing over every part of my body didn't help. I heard a door open and close. I experimentally thought about raising my arm. Nothing happened. I didn't try again.
The door opened again, and shut quickly. I heard bare feet on carpet.
"...what's your name?"
The new, feminine voice came from the odd, lightless soul. A Fire Keeper.
My name? I barely remembered what it was, much less how to say it. I opened my mouth, trying to form the words. All that came out was meaningless jabber.
"Alright. Perhaps later."
I felt soft hands slide something that was smooth and silky up my legs and torso,and under my arms. I felt blood rush to my cheeks. She lifted my body partway off the bed, sliding the thing up my back. Pressure on my shoulders, as..buttons were done? I was surprised I knew what that felt like.
I heard her move away, followed by a click as a window was shut. I heard a whoosh, and crackling. Warmth began to fill the room. The fabric felt odd on my legs, and my stomach. It was odd to be able to feel anything that wasn't me. The spongy surface I was on drew my attention. I wanted to move. I needed to feel more if everything. I succeeded in moving my arm a little. The spongy...bed? Had soft fabric all over it. I moved it again. And again. It dragged over the skin of my arm, sending signals to my brain. It felt soft. I tried to ask a question, but my tongue wasn't obeying properly. It sounded something like... "arewayou, hmmphmm?"
I tried again, just going for one word.
"...a...lll..ive...?"
It was a rhetorical question, I didn't need an answer. The warmth of the fire, the sound of my voice, the sensations of being carried earlier..they were answer enough.
"...yes, you're alive. I'll see about getting you better clothes, and something for your..em..eyes."
I heard her leave. I wanted to jump up, to open the window, feel the cold breeze on my face. Or hands, pressing on my shoulders. I wanted to feel something again. Anything. I was alive. ALIVE! I could barely stand laying here like this, I wanted to jump up, and run, and dance. This..this was going to be good.