Chapter 15
Both her hands shot up to cover her mouth as she saw his bloodied, battered face, covered in fresh wounds layering the old ones. She dropped to the ground, falling right to her knees. Her brain vaguely processed the physical pain, because her heart ache was so great at this sight that any other kind of pain was barely worth acknowledging.
"Chris..." Mara cried out, reaching out a hand to touch him but he seemed to be hurt all over and she feared she would hurt him by a simple touch. "W-what happened?"
"Can't you guess?" He replied in a raspy voice, as though the words were physically painful to say. He didn't mean for it to come out so harsh, Mara knew it.
"This cannot go on any longer," she said, sitting down next to Chris on the tiles. "You've been hurt too much already, I can't keep bandaging you up."
The underlying fact that she was talking about his physical injuries as well as the emotional ones didn't go unnoticed, and Chris snorted but it resulted in a hoarse cough. God, he was in bad shape.
"Where are you hurt?" Mara asked with a tremor in her voice. She wanted to help him get up without touching any sensitive area.
"Ribs," he said, and when Mara looked at him intently, wanting for him to continue, he added, "left knee and hand."
"You're killing me, you know that right? I thought my heart had stopped beating when I saw the blood you left in the hallway. Is it from the nosebleed?"
Chris apologized with a simple sorry gaze and although one of his eyes was half closed, he still directed his look at her with a great intensity. An intensity that made some people uncomfortable and that rarely anyone achieved. It was one of those unique features about him – his intensity. Chris was a ride or die person, it was common knowledge.
Instead of answering verbally he simply shook his head and opened his left hand, holding it palm upward for Mara to see the gash running across it. When he saw the tears prickling her eyes he closed it again.
For a long while they stayed on the floor, because Chris was exhausted and too sore to even think about moving without any help, and Mara didn't trust her legs not to give way or her tears to spill over. At first she couldn't even meet her boyfriend's eyes – she felt so fucking guilty. None of this would have happened if she didn't insist on starting this.
But this was not some trivial little thing, it was their relationship. A relationship of five months – soon – and they both cherished it dearly. It must have been Chris' longest relationship, though she wouldn't bet her life on it – it was difficult keeping track of Chris' girlfriends. Still, it was too long to simply pretend nothing happened, beg Will's forgiveness and never look in each other's direction ever again. The sheer thought was ridiculous! Even after barely two weeks of being with Chris, Mara wouldn't have given up on him.
At some point her eyes trained back on him, in a caring, sick worried gaze, almost like she had to make sure his chest was still steadily moving along his breathing.
"Mara?" Chris eventually asked, seemingly having recovered his normal voice – at least it didn't sound so weak anymore.
"Yes?" She answered in a whisper.
It was her turn to loose her voice. She couldn't take this distance anymore and shifted closer to him, cradling him against her as best she could without applying pressure on his bruises and wounds. He easily gave in and allowed her to hold him in her arms, his head resting in the crook her of neck while her hands combed his hair in the most soothing manner.
"Say something please," he requested.
"Can't deal with a bit of silence?" She asked. "I think it's nice to be quiet."
"It's not that. I just like to hear your voice," Chris mumbled, closing his eyes as though he was about to doze off.
"Hey! Don't fall asleep on me! Chris!" Mara began to panic. "Don't make me slap you awake!"
"I'm not asleep, my eye hurts!" He complained. "Please, just- talk to me."
"I don't know what to say, I'm still pondering whether I should cry or scream at you!" Mara exclaimed. "Why on earth did you get in another fight?! You haven't even healed from last week's fight! I haven't!" Mara kept rambling, feeling herself going slightly hysteric. She took a deep breath and resumed in a much calmer tone. "And I'm not talking about the cut on my cheek. Last night I had a nightmare about the Yakuza, and here you are, covered in more bruises I can count, because- because-"
"Don't," Chris said, switching positions with Mara and returning her attentive gestures toward him. "Don't cry, please. I- I can't bear to watch you cry because of me."
"I'm not crying," Mara assured him, wiping away what few tears escaped. "I'm fucking furious in case you haven't noticed."
"And you're an angry crier," he chuckled lowly.
They laughed, although half-heartedly, and Mara rose to her feet before gesturing Chris to do the same. She helped him up and let him lean on her as they stumbled through the house and to the enormous bathroom. Mara has never been the cosy care taker kind of gal; she was born a princess and always acted like one. It was unprecedented for her to have to tend to someone else, to look after someone, to worry. William was a calm kid, if anything he was the one worried sick about her shenanigans. Yet it seemed uncharacteristically natural to be with Chris and deal with his own reckless behaviour. Mara turned on the tap of the bathtub and drew him a bath, letting the water run as she cleaned his face and checked his various other wounds.
"Tell me William isn't involved in this. If he is, I swear I-" She didn't finish her sentence but the threat was implicit.
"He is involved, sort of. But so are all the other guys; it was a Penetrators thing."
"Is he out of his mind?! He dragged you in a fist fight despite the fact that you were already injured?! There's no way I can look past this, I'm gonna destroy h-"
"He didn't drag me," Chris protested. "I refuse to be left out of things! William can deny me all he wants but not this! I'm part of the group as much as all the others."
"I know!" Mara threw yet another cotton ball stained with blood in the trash. "But give me one good reason you'd want to pick a fight with the Yakuza!"
"I can't just step out because I have a little bruise on my face," he tried to explain. "I'm either part of the group or I'm not, I can't-"
"Yes you fucking can!" Mara smacked him upside the head, although it was hard for her to further hurt him, she needed to knock some sense in Christoffer's thick head. "What are you trying to do? You have nothing to prove, for hell's sake!"
"Yes I have!" Chris burst with anger. "Of course I have to prove something! Do you think I'll just sit idly by and wait for William to come around and talk to me again? That's what you do, but it's not like you have anything to worry about he's you're fucking big brother, he'll eventually stop sulking and everything will be back to normal!"
"Chris, I-"
"He's my best friend! Do you understand? He trusted me and I betrayed that trust, what on earth would make him forgive me if I don't prove myself worthy of that forgiveness?!" Chris kept on shouting, aggressively shoving the first aid kit on the white tiles of the bathroom in a loud clatter.
"He'll forgive you too, Chris. You're as dear to W-"
"How can you even believe what you're saying, Mara?" He asked her in a snarl. "Do you serious think we can wait this one out?"
"I get it, alright?! We fucked up, I know. We should have told him from the beginning," Mara answered, raising her voice to match the volume of Chris'.
No way she would stand there and be yelled at, despite doing nothing wrong. Chris was understandably upset and angry, but there was no reason for him to attack her like that, she did nothing but tend to him.
"No, you don't get it! You don't because you have the absolute certainty that William will stop being a dick head and soon you'll be able to move back into the apartment and everything will be forgotten!"
"For fuck's sake, don't be such a whiny piss baby! Can't you make a decision that's not directly meant to please Will? You're not his flipping lapdog!"
Now both of them were fuming. The atmosphere in the bathroom was so tense the air was sizzling around them, despite the insane proportions of the room. Mara stood pridefully and raised her chin in defiance, not caring about being shorter, smaller, generally more vulnerable and prone to cry when she was upset. She could see the way Chris' right eye twitched in anger, and the vein on his temple pulsed fast.
"That's not the problem, fucking hell!" He screamed at no one in particular, running his uninjured hand through his hair – a sign Mara recognized as being an indicator of frustration. "I don't live solely for him, how can you even say that? Do you think I would have risked our friendship for you if I didn't value you as much as him? But that doesn't mean that I want to replace him with you! I don't want to have to choose!" Just when Mara was about to settle down and promise him that it was never meant to be like this, that she would never make him choose, he cut her off. "Besides, you still have all your girl friends to vent to about this brain melting thing if it gets too much! What am I supposed to do? All the guys would throw themselves in front of a bullet for Will and my best friend is precisely the one who's mad at me – for dating his sister!"
Mara took this remark especially badly, because the jerk knew she didn't have many friends. She mostly hung out by herself, with Chris, Will and the Penetrators, or sometimes with people from her year, but never the same twice.
"Self-pity doesn't suit you at all, you know? That was a low blow, even from you Chris! You know full well that I have much fewer friends than you, and claiming that you have it worse than me is really shitty!"
"Who are you even trying to fool! Just today I saw you laugh with Noora and her friends! Quantity is not quality, I'm sure you have friends you can share anything with! Everyone has a best friend!" He objected, trying to make a point, but missing it.
"Yes! You, you idiot!" Mara yelled, brought to tears by this conversation.
She was tired of fighting, with Chris especially. She considered apologizing and starting it all over, but then he huffed in what she could only call disdain and that was it. Mara spun around, turned off the tap, told Chris to stick it and take his fucking bath on his own – what did she even care?
The entire evening was spent in silence. Not the silence they were used to, not the silence that meant neither of them spoke but the TV or the music was on. No, it was thick, uncomfortable and deafening silence that gave an eery feeling to the house. Mara has been on edge from the moment she heard Chris leave the bathroom and lock himself in his bedroom – not literally lock the door, but just close it to signify her to keep away.
She was stuck having to choose between going back to her apartment to sleep in her own room - although that implied having to deal with her brother's sullen muteness - or she could stay and deal with her mad boyfriend. The choice would be much easier if only she knew what she could say to either of them to make them stop behave like spoiled brats and suck it up. Couldn't they act their age for once? Why did Mara, the youngest of them three, always have to be the adult? It was getting old – no pun intended.
In the end she chose the latter, for strictly practical reasons. She found herself hesitating before the door to Chris' bedroom, but eventually she opened it without knocking.
"Are you giving me the silent treatment?" Mara asked after waiting a minute or so for Chris to look at her.
She made several attempts to catch his attention, unsuccessfully. He didn't reply, which was a statement in itself.
"Chris, I would never put you in a position that would force you to choose between William and I."
"Just leave me alone Mara. Find a spare room or go home," he sighed, still not gracing her with so much as a look. His blank stare was directed straight ahead of him. Did he always look this exhausted? Was he always this fidgety?
Mara didn't pondered further on these issues because that one sentence hurt more than words could possibly express. She gulped down and held it together until she grabbed the shirt Chris had given her so she would have something to sleep in during her stay; she closed the door, walked down the hallway to the spare room that was the farthest from Chris' room, and then only did she allow the whimpers to tumble from her lips. The tears she had been holding back so long spilled over in a waterfall, rolling down her cheeks and wetting her shirt.
It took her a long time to fall asleep because she felt completely helpless and furious, because the two people she loved most in the world were mad at her, and she felt desperately lonely in this huge, sterile room. All she seemed to be able to do these days was to ruin all her relationships, with everyone.
At first she fought against sleep, as if by depriving herself of sleep and punishing herself, she would find some solace. But there came a time when her eyelids felt heavy and she grew tired from all the emotions of the day, so she closed her eyes, long past midnight.
When she woke up the next morning, she felt the familiar weigh of an arm resting across her stomach. Surprised, she instantly turned around in Chris' arms, finding herself face to face with a sleepy but awake Christoffer. He too looked like he hasn't had the best of nights, but he smiled faintly, and gave her his charming little smirk. This was his way of apologizing.
It wasn't nearly enough, but for this time of day, it would do. Mara placed her hand on his neck, she gently thumbed along his jawline, and Chris closed his eyes. Nothing could ever be as soothing her touch in his not so humble opinion. His eyes were still closed when Mara's lips crashed against his – lightly, faintly, but with much more meaning than any heated kiss could have carried. Without any further ado, Chris nuzzled her neck, burying his face in the crook where her neck met her shoulder and peppered kisses here and there, until Mara gave in to the smile threatening to split her face and giggled lightly.