This chapter is dedicated to my friend, Julie Raptor, who is quite ill. I hope you feel better soon!
How we got to where we are…
Phoebe's POV
Reluctantly, I walk besides my brother to his car. We are yet to exchange even one word while we traveled down the elevator. I don't think we have ever been together alone without talking. There is so much I want to tell him, about my travels and my ideas for a couple of companies that I have been investigating. I want to ask him about my Eli and Ruby, and my new niece that I am yet to meet in person. I booked my trip before I found out Lily was pregnant. I have face timed and Skype them all and seen the baby online, but I long to meet Macie, face to face. Most of all I wish I could tell Ted, how happy I am. However, for the first time, I don't think I can talk to him, and how I long to be able to do so.
Ted, who still hasn't forgotten his gracious manners, opens the passenger door for me. I stall a little, hoping one of us is able to say something, anything, but we don't. The thought hits me that I should call Taylor and ask him to take me home, but I have issues to address with my older brother.
When Ted gets into the driver's side, he puts the key into the ignition but fails to start the car up. Instead, he runs his hands through his hair, like he always does this. I bet Ted doesn't even realize he is doing it half the time. We are both looking forward, not making eye contact, conversation or anything. Rather the small area of my brother's luxury SUV fills with tension. I need to say something before we drown in the silence.
"So Ted, want to talk to me about why you did it?' My voice is unusually cold.
"You know why Phoebe" Ted repeats, with an unusual undercurrent in his voice. He is steadfast but also almost apologetic, but it is his reference to me that shocks me.
"That is the first time you have called me Phoebe and not Fifi," I clarify.
"I know" Ted states unemotionally. My heart sinks a little. I had hoped he had just made a slip of the tongue.
"Ted we need to talk" I tell him.
"Yes we do. But not here." Ted quickly drives out of the car park at Grey House, a little too quickly. He is stressed. We don't talk through our short trip. Both of us are contemplating what to say to each other. We pull up to a local coffee house that he and Lily sometimes took me, when I needed to talk. That is why he has bought me here. This is where he has given me endless advice. Advice that I always accepted.
I go to one of the booths in the far corner, whilst Ted put in our order. I notice Bradley in the distance. He is far enough to see us, but not in hearing distance. We have complete privacy.
Ted arrives and passes me my standard latte and while he has his black coffee. I breathe in the smell of the dark coffee, it reminds me of him. I take a few sips of my hot drink as Ted sits back and analyses me.
"Okay Ted let's talk" I say steadfastly.
"Yes, let's talk about our pressing concern…." I decide that this is an opportune time to interject.
"Yes our pressing concern. Why did you have someone watch me and take photos? I do have a CPO, assigned by our father and Taylor" I point out.
"That isn't our most pressing issue." Ted actually hisses at me.
"Yes it is. Does Dad or Mom know what you did? They will be furious. What if that guy sold the photos to some sleazy magazine? Our parents highly value our family's privacy." I point out.
"I had the investigator sign a water tight NDA, and seriously you two were kissing in public. Any fucker with a cell phone could have taken a photo on the street and sold the photo. What have you been doing? And, worst of all, what are you still doing?" Ted is angry, and I chose to ignore his questions.
"Where are the photos?" I ask. I intend to have them handed over to me.
"I have them. There are no more copies." He reassures me. "End it and it will be all over. Our parents won't know, and life will be back to normal. Everyone has been excited over having you home again." I feel like I am being threatened, and that only I have to make sacrifices for what? To maintain the status quo? The thing is I don't want to hurt anyone but... What about what I want?
"Come on Ted, don't you know that you're the one who started all of this. If you hadn't made that request then nothing would have happened?" I remind him, but I am overjoyed my brother made such a request.
Ten months ago
I am sitting on the ottoman on the outdoor furniture of my parents' home on the sound. My mother is sitting on the couch shocked, Ted seems to be frozen as he is standing not moving at all, while my father is pacing erratically. They are all shocked at my admission. My father has gone through all his standard I am angry at you reactions. He has run both hands through his hair; he has thinned lips and narrowed his eyes.
"Dad I don't see what the problem is. You dropped out of college." I remind him. I have just told my parents that I don't want to go back to college.
"We are not talking about me, we are talking about you" My father points out.
"Phoebe you only have less than one year left and then you will graduate. You have done so well, don't throw it away." My mother pleads with me.
"I just miss being home so much. Practically all of my friends are still here, and I miss you both. Ted, I miss being with you, Lily and the kids. I was always around them, but I have missed so much." I try to explain how I feel.
"Phoebe you are going back to college. I had always supported you in your decisions and wishes, with the exceptions of when it wasn't safe or your best interests, and this is one of those cases." My dad states.
"I don't get it. You have enjoyed Harvard; you have a strong friendship group. Your grades have been better than mine. Lily and I and the kids can come and visit you more. Would that help?" Ted offers. I bury my head in my hands. Why can't they see my point of view?
"I just miss everyone at home. I do not know this anymore! Is there much more that I can learn, in the time I have left at college? I can go and work for Grey Enterprise now. Dad you could keep more of an eye on me" I offer.
"As tempting as that is, and trust me it is. My answer is still No! Phoebe you are going back to college and you will graduate." My father says sternly.
"So my wishes don't matter. Even though I have already just turned twenty?" I state coldly. My mother moves over to sit next to me and takes my hand, but it doesn't help.
"How old am I? And how old are your grandparents" My dad questions. I look at him blankly, but he just signals for me to answer his question. Out of annoyance, I decide to give him a tongue-in-cheek answer.
"You are sixty-six and Mom is sixty. Ted here is thirty-eight as is Lily. Ruby and Eli are thirteen. Grandma and Grandpa are just in their early nineties, but doing brilliantly physically and mentally. I am finally twenty-one, and just because I am so much younger since you both had me so late, I am not a child anymore" I reply angrily. "So now that I have proven that I have a grasp of mathematics, can I leave college?"
"NO!" All three of them reply.
"Phoebe, next year I am going to receive an honorary degree from Harvard University. Forty six years after I dropped out and my parents are finally going to see me graduate from college. I should have done it a long time ago. Phoebe, just complete this last year that you have already started." I am not sure if he is asking or telling me. Instinct tells me it is the latter. I do not continue to argue as it will be futile. I can't fight the combined force of my parents and brother. I get up and start to walk back into the house.
"Where are you going?" My mother asks.
"Up stairs to pack. I am going to go back to school, then graduate, and then I will come straight home, ready to work at Grey house." I feel dejected. I have given in, and all I can do is shrug.
In my room, I start to pull out the clothes and everything else that I will need, plus a few things I have never been able to bear to be without. A picture of my whole family at my Dads sixtieth birthday, an embarrassingly old and rugged teddy bear that Ted gave me when I was a baby, and a few other trinkets. I sit back on my bed, when I can't find the motivation to keep packing.
"Can I come in?" My dad asks at the door. I never realized that I had left the door open.
"Do I have a choice?" I reply.
"Princess, I know that you feel railroaded, especially considering that I dropped out of college. Nonetheless, I just do not want you to have any regrets. I know you, very well, and you will regret this" My father tells me. I shift so I can face him.
"But you don't regret dropping out of college, do you?"
"No, I don't, but we are different, at least we are in comparison to whom I was at you age." I am not sure what he means, but I don't explore the issue.
"Dad, I am not ignorant. I know that I have been extremely fortunate, from the second I was born. You and Mom have given me everything! But at the same time, I have done everything that everyone has ever asked me. I got good grades, I learnt to play the piano, and to speak French and Spanish did martial arts and gymnastics…" Dad raises his finger up to interject, but I already know what he is going to say.
"Okay it my choice to do gymnastics and Spanish, but I think you get the picture dad. I feel like I always have done everything to make everyone happy, to do what's expected of me. Dad I never even tried to sneak out, or ditch security to date before you finally let me at the age of seventeen. I have always towed the line." I explain, even if is a long winded explanation.
My dad stands up and runs his hands through his hair, and then starts to study me. "Okay yes you are right, but so am I, your mother and brother. You should go back and finish college." My dad tells me compassionately.
"And there I was thinking I was packing to go and explore the world without my parents holding my hand" I tell him sarcastically.
"Don't. You know how I feel about sarcasm." My dad scolds annoyed.
"Sorry" I reply meekly. My father's commences to pace a little and then stops.
"Okay Phoebe, what about this. I know that you have always wanted to do some backpacking. Finish College, and then you can go and backpack, as long as a CPO goes with you. You are now twenty one and the same agreement that I gave your brother applies for you." I stand up, surprised and excited. I never thought dad would offer me this.
"Really?" I ask to seek clarification.
"Yes, though I wish I wasn't. As long as you agree to keep a CPO assigned to you, I won't be informed of your personal life, and every move and I agree for you to go backpacking before you commence work. As long as you finish College. Though I am going to have to get your mothers yes on your trip."
"Oh I know Mom will say yes." I state. Mom has always pushed me to do try new things, and since I won't be alone, she will more than likely agree.
"That is what I fear." My dad says displeased and thinning his lips.
"Thanks dad. I am still going to miss you all. It's hard being away. I know that you all visit often, but I wish I had some link to home while I am at Harvard." I inform my dad. He pulls me in an embrace. I don't think anyone hugs me as well as my mom and dad does.
"I know. We find it hard when you are away too. If I could I would have Harvard moved over here to Seattle" My dad says remorsefully.
"Wow that is a first. Something you can't do" I says giggling. My dad cocks his head to the side but then commences to laugh.
# # # #
After completing my first full week of classes, since my family convinced me to return to college, I return to my apartment. I drop my backpack on the floor; though carefully place my new Mac on the table. It was a gift from my grandparents for my birthday. I am already missing my family like crazy. I consider phoning them, but decide to delay the call. If I wait a couple of hours or so, both my parents should be home, or at least together.
I throw off my top and jeans and decide to wallow in self-pity. For heaven's sake Phoebe! You are twenty one not an eleven year old going to summer camp! Rather I decide to catch up with my friends at a college bar.
Once I have showered, I straighten my hair, apply my makeup and choose a dress that my father would consider a little too short. Might as well test out the twenty-one year old privacy conditions. I walk out and literally bump into someone who seems to have been standing outside my door.
"Excuse me, I am sorry, I didn't see you" I exclaim.
"Phoebe Grey?" He asks in the form of a question. I look up, and I recognize him immediately.
"Josh? Joshua Harris!" He nods. I throw my arms around him. I can't believe he is here, my brother's long term best friend. He still has his boyish good looks, as he did years ago, but more distinguished.
"I haven't seen you in years" I exclaim.
"I know. Wow, Phoebe you look…wow. Your brother never told how... Wow... You are no longer a child." Josh says as if he doesn't believe it.
"Of course not. I haven't seen you in what, eleven or twelve years?" I remind him.
"I know and I have been in Seattle here and there, but I rarely saw you. You never went to your grandparent's ball for coping together." He queries.
"Because you and Ted, were always playing golf and doing who knows what when you came to visit. Also, there is an age requirement for the ball, but I don't want to talk about that. What are you doing here? When did you get into town? What has been happening with you?" I inquire.
"Well you may have grown up, but you still ask a million questions." Josh says, making me laugh. "You look like you were going out. Do you have any place you have to go to?" Josh asks.
"I was going to meet some friends at a college bar" I admit.
Josh nods. "Can I take a rain check? Maybe we can have a coffee or something?"
"Sure, you know where to find me," I say pointing to my door.
"It is good to see you again," Josh says, hugging me one more time and starts to walk off. Something then clicks.
"Josh" I call out. "I don't need or genuinely want to go the bar tonight. I skipped lunch, so drinking on an empty stomach would be a dreadful idea. Want to join me for some dinner? My treat."
"Dinner sounds fine, but I will pay." I reluctantly agree.
We select a local Italian restaurant and quickly order. He handles the waitress in the same manner my dad and brother does.
"So what are you doing here in Massachusetts? And actually how did you know where I lived?" I ask curiously.
"I am lecturing actually. At Harvard, I just started. I guess you could say that I am on loan, from my law firm." He informs me.
"You're not practicing law then?" I am surprised by this actually. Josh has become a rather successful and influential lawyer in New York. He has won some high-profile and well published cases. The ramification of this is that he had become rather sought out, and extremely well paid.
"Not at the moment, though I am still a partner at the firm. Besides I need some time out, and I have made more money than I will ever need." Joshua comments rather carefree and taking a drink of his wine. "Which is why I will be paying for dinner, Miss Grey."
"Is that right Mr Harris?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "You have been best friends with my brother since you were both like five years old, so you would realise that I too have some money. Plus it was me that suggested we go to dinner." I say austerely.
"Your brother didn't tell me that you are even more acutely feisty" Josh comments.
"So that is how you found out where I lived. Ted told you. Why did he do that?" I ask baffled.
"Are you sure you want to know?" Josh challenges.
"Yes, at least I think so" I suddenly feel rather vulnerable.
"I had told Ted some time back that I would be coming to Harvard to lecture until the summer, and then recently, he rang me and asked for a favor. Your brother told me that you were missing family and then asked if I would check on you, once in a while when they weren't able to come over and visit you" Joshua confesses. I lean back on my chair and process this information.
"So you are fundamentally telling me that my brother has organized for you to check up on me, like a mini babysitter? To make sure that I am not falling apart? Or was it actually my Dad who asked you?" I interrogate.
"I haven't spoken or seen your dad, for about a year. Not since he and your brother came to New York on business. Ted feels guilty that he didn't support you in your wish to drop out of college. He has always supported you in whatever you have wanted to do. However, I agree with him. That would have been an awful mistake." Josh looks at me assertively.
"I know. I guess I was just wasn't thinking rationally. I just miss my family so much. I have some fantastic friends here at Harvard, but it's not the same. My family is astronomical, and it hurts that I am so far away. You understand don't you?" I query.
"Of course I do. But why did you go to college so far away from them then?" I wonder about this question. No one has ever asked me, but it is a brilliant question.
"Umm... I guess because I got accepted, and Ted did his degree here. Plus my father attended Harvard, for a little while. I could have gone to WSU, like my mother, but even she wanted me to come to Harvard." I explain.
"So you came here to keep your family happy but you just end up missing them? Right?" Josh hypothesis.
"Yes" I shrug my shoulders.
"Well besides missing your family and having a god set of friends, what about boys?" Josh inquires.
"Boys?"
"Yes, as in boyfriends. Ted tells me that you don't talk much about that matter. He thinks you are keeping secrets there" Josh informs me. Oh how I wish that was only the case.
"No, I haven't been keeping secret. If was actually dating someone seriously, then security would have told my father. An extensive background check then needs to commence on the poor guy. That is one of the major things that my father wouldn't back down on. I have had a couple of boyfriends and seen some guys, but nothing serious. Nothing that has lasted particularly long" I explain. "What about you?" I ask.
"No, I haven't had any boyfriends" Joshua states, but ever so seriously. Hang on, Josh is gay?
"Oh, well I am sure you will find someone. Any guy would be crazy not want you." I comment. Josh looks shocked at first and then laughs out loud.
"Phoebe. I am not gay. I am straight. I like girls." He continues to laugh, now very much at my expense. I can't help but get sucked in and laugh at myself now.
"Then let me rephrase my question. How is the girl situation? I think my brother mentioned that you were engaged, a while back. Are you married?" I ask.
"I am not engaged or married. I was, but that was five years ago" Josh fills me in.
"Sorry," I say sympathetically.
"It wasn't to be. I have had other relationships since, but they too haven't worked out." Josh comments.
"Did you love your fiancé" I ask.
"I guess at the time I thought I did, but I wasn't really."
"Why did you think you loved her at the time but not now?" I ask rather boldly.
"Because I was in my thirties, and by then you should be married, with children and a mortgage. My mother wanted me to be married also. My sister got married, ten years ago, and she has three kids. My parents would love a few more grandchildren, but I don't seem to be doing that too well." He admits.
"But they must be immensely proud of you professionally" I suggest.
"Yes they are. They rather like the fact that I am here at Harvard lecturing."
"What are you going to do in Massachusetts, besides working?" I politely ask.
"You mean besides working and filling out reports to my best friend over his sister's actions?" Josh says humorously. I can't help but laugh again.
"You have a wonderful laugh." Josh compliments me
"Really?" I ask, taken back.
"Yes." I feel my cheeks warm a little. "I don't have much planned while I am here. I intend to work, maybe start my doctorate, but that's it. I have a few friends here, but most of my friends and family are in New York, Ted is in Seattle and several friends scattered around the country. Maybe I should practice my golf game, so I don't look foolish when I play against your brother next time" Josh smiles.
"Have you even been to Massachusetts before?"
"Nope. When Ted attended Harvard, and I was at Yale, we would catch up in New York. A lot of our old school friends went to college there. I don't even know my way around the Harvard campus." Josh admits. This gives me an idea.
"So you are going to refuse to let me pay the bill right?"
"Yes. Phoebe I am extraordinarily picky about this stuff, even if you are my best friends, baby sister. I think it would be rude to not pay"
"Fine, then in exchange for you buying me dinner, I am going to show you around the campus, then the local area. You can then tell my brother, who will then, dutifully tell our parents that I am well and aware of my surroundings. How does that sound?" I query.
"Like a brilliant exchange" Josh smiles.
# # # #
"Mr Joshua Harris, you cannot be serious! You enjoyed the Phantom of the opera movie over that brilliant stage production?" I question as we walk out of the theater.
"I am sorry Miss Phoebe Grey, but yes. Maybe I am not as cultured as you, but I rather enjoyed watching the movie instead." Josh tells me.
"Why?"
"Because when we watched it, we sat on the couch, ate popcorn and could relax as opposed to having to get dressed up and display our outstanding manners. Plus, you are more of yourself at home." Josh has been a god send these last several months. He has kept me going, and even my grades have improved. We have seen each other at least three times a week, and I understand why Ted has always kept him a close friend.
"Well since you like me to be 'myself', instead of going to some overly stuffy restaurant, why don't we grab a pizza and eat at my place?" I offer.
"Okay, but I am ordering the pizza this time. You might be the only girl in the world who actually likes an abhorrent amount of chilli and peppers on her pizza. I almost burnt my tongue last time" Josh says.
"Come on it wasn't that hot" I laugh at him
"It's an exceptionally fortunate that I find your laugh as pleasant as I do" Josh shakes his head at me.
Back at my apartment, we have both had a couple of beers and devoured the pizza while we have sat on the floor and talked. I love how we just talk about everything.
"I bet you are counting down till graduation, and moving back to Seattle. You have such a short time left here." Josh remarks.
"Interestingly I haven't been counting down as I have though I would. You have been a fantastic distraction"
"Distraction? Interesting. No one has ever said that about me" Josh looks like he is processing the word as if it is the first time he has heard it.
"I am looking forward to graduating on the same day my father is getting his honorary degree. My grandparents are coming also. They have waited a long time for this!"
"I can't believe it took the University so long to recognize him and offer him the degree" Josh states. I smile, accepting his statement as a wonderful compliment.
"Then after graduation, I am off backpacking. I am going to start in Australia, then take a flight to explore China and then off to India. I am going to be gone for a couple of months, but it means I will miss the birth of Ted and Lily's new baby, sadly. Are you going back to New York, since your stint as a lecturer has finished?" I inquire
"I have to as I need to get into the office, but I only need to be there for about a month. Then I will decide what I want to do. I want to keep working on my doctorate and maybe get a professorship" Josh updates me.
"You should. Friends of mine in the law school here think you are fantastic" I praise him.
"Thanks" Josh then looks up at the clock. "I better go, it's getting really late."
I open the door for us. "You go first," I tell Josh.
"Oh no! My good exclusive private school manners, tell me that I must always let a lady go first" Josh tells me.
"Come on Josh, I am holding the door. Go" I tell him. I want to roll my eyes. Josh doesn't look he is going to move, so I relent. We then find that we both have tried to go through the door at the same time. We brush against each other, and I immediately react, as does Josh. We are both frozen, standing at the doorway.
Almost instinctively, Josh runs his knuckles across my jaw line. It's the most incredible feeling. "You are so beautiful" He tells me softly. I feel drawn to him, encompassed by our sudden strong hypnotic feelings.
I stretch up and softly kiss his lips. It is the most passionate and emotionally fulfilling kiss I have ever had.
"I knew something was up at your graduation. He looked at you differently. I have never seen him look like at anyone before." Ted amazed and annoyed, at the same time.
"How did you know that Josh met me in India?" I query.
"I had been trying to get hold of him, and couldn't manage it. I end up contacting his sister, and she told me that he was overseas in Asia. I put one and one together, and then hired someone to check it out." Ted says indifferently. I am so angry that I don't say anything.
"Phoebe I never meant for you two to get together. I just wanted him to check up on you here and there so I would know if you were okay. I didn't expect nor want Josh to fall in love with you. He does know that, don't you? He is in love with you." Ted warns and then tilts his head back before starting to talk again. I sit there shocked. This isn't news to me, but Ted saying it out loud actually hit home to me.
"Phoebe you are so young! You have everything. You are gorgeous, intelligent and rich. You can have anyone" Ted tells me.
"Anyone?" I restate.
"Yes. Fifi, anyone." Ted resumes using his nickname for me, signalling that he believes I am going to compromise.
"Then I choose Josh" I state.
"Phoebe. No! Besides you live here in Seattle and he lives in New York. Long distance relationships don't work, and he is way too old for you!" Ted looks shocked for a minute but recomposes himself. "Hang on; are you planning on moving to New York?"
"No. Of course not," I state
"Then how do you plan to keep this ridiculous relationship working?"
"First it isn't ridiculous, and Josh is moving here, to Seattle, as soon as he can." I argue. He looks like he has had all the air, kicked out of him.
"Teddy, I need your support. Josh and I want to make our relationship public, eventually, though not right now. He is trying extremely hard to come to the 'Coping together' ball this weekend if work allows. He has a few matters to attend to still that were left over from when he went to India to be with me." I stop talking. I sit there waiting for Ted to say something.
Ted pulls out his phone and sends a text message or email. A few seconds later his phone beeps. "Lily is excited to see you. Macie will be waking up soon, and you will get to see her awake if you leave now. I will have Bradley take you to our house." Ted informs me.
"You are not coming?" I feel rejected. Ted has never rejected me ever.
"No. I am going back to Grey House. I will meet you and Lily, at Eli's swim meet." Ted tells me.
"Ted... Please..." I start to plead.
"Please what?" He asks angrily, to have me clarify.
"I won't end my relationship with Josh"
"You must. It is not right, you must know that!" Ted tells me.
"End it Phoebe. Promise me you will end this relationship. He is too old for you. No one will accept it, I won't and neither will our parents. End it. Promise me here and now. I don't want you to end up getting even more hurt," Ted pleads with me.
"No. I can't." I tell him
"Why not?"
"Because… I…. "I struggle to finish my sentence.
"Because why?" Ted asks sternly. I know I have to tell him. He needs to understand….
Authors Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review!