Chapter XII

3rd January 1942

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I said my goodbyes to Cousin Bruce for he was going off to the training camp and today I said my farewells to my sweetheart, Seb, who left his home for the same reason as Bruce did.

This is why I am so worn out, so exhausted. Emotions are tearing me apart, that's the right phrase I should use and I feel it in every possible way. I can't make myself to go to school tomorrow but I do need to go because I can't stay at home and worry all day long, I have to come back to the normality of my old life… Normality, what does it mean in this world now? I am already able to divide my life into the old life and the new life, with the war being the reason of this division. How many new parts will it have along the way?

My old life was before the war, then it was changed by the war and then my newer life was born when Seb kissed me for the first time. Now I'm starting an entirely new life it seems, the life without Seb by my side and with only the last two months to look back onto, the two months when there was nothing but the two of us in love with one another.

I will start off by writing all about Bruce's going off to the training camp. Louisa and the twins were already settled in the Manse with Grandma Rosemary and Grandad John by the time of Christmas Eve and they're all keeping so strong for him! Louisa said her goodbyes to Bruce by kissing him hard on the lips but smiling for him and saying that if he won't come back to her she will expect him to be damned for eternity. Bruce only laughed at that and kissed her back while everyone thought that possibly the Reverend John wouldn't think it so funny but he did laugh at it too but a wistful sigh followed it nonetheless. The twins are too young to know exactly what's going on and thank God for that. They kissed their daddy and hugged him too and then were asking when will they be able to eat another piece of cake, which made everyone laugh of course. So Bruce went off to the training camp with a smile on his face and the laughter was what he left behind him when the train he boarded was out of sight for all of those, myself included, who watched it disappear.

And today was the day of Seb's going away to the training camp. He was dressed in his unifrom and looked so handsome and dashing that my pride was expanding with every look I gave him and with every gaze he returned to me as well. Flora didn't come come because she didn't have enough courage to see her friend go away to war and so she and Seb said goodbyes to each other yesterday. However Seb's parents were there of course, and they were talking to me as if we knew each other always, even though it was only today when we met. Seb's mother is a shy, small lady, she is just a wee bit shorter than I am and I know that I am quite short myself and she really has the kindest eyes, the same shade as Seb's, that clear ocean blue. His father is a strong and tall man who fought in the first war as a private. He has a moustache which really suits his elegant and gentleman-like personality of him too.

Seb was holding my hand for the entire hour when we were awaiting the train which was to come for him and other boys too. We didn't talk much, we didn't quite know what to say to each other at all for we were both scared. Seb couldn't fool me and I knew that he was and is quite scared of it all himself, not as scared as Selwyn was but also not as brave and calm as Gilly or Marshall were when they were in his situation.

When the train came, I knew that my face was entirely white (I could feel it), just like the snow which was lying all over the train station. I can't even remember what Seb said to his parents, I'm pretty sure that I just stared at him not fully realising what he was doing or saying at all. My mind was racing as it finally dawned on me that he was going away, that we will be parted from me with no knowledge when and… if… we will ever see each other again.

When my vision came back to me I saw that Seb's mother was embraced by Seb's father as she weeped and Seb put his hands softly on my cheeks while looking down into my eyes from below of his military cap. "Write to me, dearest girl." he whispered quickly, probably aware that he only had one or two more minutes to spend with me.

"Of course." was the only thing I could manage to say between the tears which were running down my cheeks by then. All the decisions which I made myself on being brave and positive on that day simply vanished.

He then kissed me again and again. He smiled at me when he kissed me for the last time before jumping on the train and said: "I'll come back to you." and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.

"I know. I'll wait." I replied quite breathlessly as I was aware of it myself. Then he took his bag and stepped on the train, disapperaing inside.

Everyone gathered around the train by then, near the windows, looking for their sons, brothers, cousins, lovers, friends. I did too join the crowds and was searching in despair to see Seb one more time. Finally he reached out his hand from the opened window and I took it quickly, just in time when the train was slowly starting off its journey. I stepped on the train's footboard, like the two other girls did, and did the bravest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I put my hands around Seb's neck and kissed him strong on the lips, feeling as if it was truly the last kiss we will ever share. "Live your life as if each day was your last one" someone once said and today and in that moment especially was when this quote was my life.

Seb kissed me back and when the train started to go quicker I stepped back on the ground, still holding onto his hand and he squeezed my hand and called out through the noise: "I love you, Hester!" and I realised that it was the first time he actually said it aloud and this of course provoked me to cry once again even though I smiled through the tears running down my cheeks.

"I love you too, Seb! I really do!" I called back to him and with the smiles we exchanged, the train took on more speed and our hands parted their ways and I slowed down, staring blankly at Seb's head sticking out of the window, waving at me with a bright smile on his face.

God, I'm sobbing again! I'm such a little baby! But how can one not sob when one's sweetheart is going off to the front with danger written all over his back? Oh, my darling Seb! I wrote to him a letter and posted it an hour ago already, Father thinking me crazy of course. And I am, I am just crazy in love.

Yes, I'm lucky to have had those two months, some people don't even have a day. Like my dearest Auntie Una… Goodness, I know how much she would give to have the two months I had with Seb and to have them with my Uncle Walter before he went off to the war himself. She herself told me how lucky I was to know love, real love in my life. She told me this when we were both washing the dishes on New Year's Eve (it is during this activity when one has the conversations they won't ever forget). And she was right.

Mum comforted me when I came back from the station. She let me cry for a bit and she was whispering into my ear all the things I needed to hear in that moment. Then Dad came into the room and he put on the radio and we all danced together as if I was five years old all over again. I can't begin to describe how grateful I am for my beautiful and wonderful parents.

Alright, I will go and practise my cello now because I could go on and on for far too long.

Goodnight then (I really hope that tonight I will be able to sleep!),

Yours,

Hester

"Does Seb know when he's going to the front yet?" Marion asked sheepishly her friend Hester who was sitting right in front of her in the House of Dreams' leaving room, on the sofa next to the ancient fireplace.

February's freezing wind was bumping into the windows and filling the room with its sound. It mixed quite perfectly with the recording of Camille Saint-Saëns's "Danse Macabre" playing from Hester's recorder. All three friends consisting of Hester, Marion and Vance sat together on the long sofa with cups of hot cocoa (which because of rationing could hardly be called a cocoa anymore) in their hands and they talked about everything together, all three timid and kindest souls sharing each other's thoughts.

Rilla, Faith, Nan, Mary and Una were all together in the kitchen baking something special for the upcoming birthday of grandpa Gilbert with was to be celebrated the next day. Therefore the whole house was filled with chatter and sometimes even laughter. It was a nice change, Hester thought to herself, to have her house filled with so many people again. She almost felt as if she was in Toronto again, between the crowds, the sound of conversations muffled so much between the kitchen, the living room, the sound coming out from outside as wind as well as the music coming out from the recorder.

Suddenly all the war news they've heard in the morning in the radio vanished from their minds for the day and they felt as if the days from before the war suddenly invaded their lives. Those kinds of days were welcomed very openly of course, and by everyone. Of course the mention of Seb going to the front made Hester's hairs on her arms to rise and her eyes to close for lonegr than usually but she smiled at her friend nonetheless "Yes, he will be sent to the front although he doesn't know where yet but he'll be going overseas in May, so there are three months left now." she replied calmly even though her hands were squeezing one another nervously.

Marion touched Hester's arm caringly and smiled in her sweet way "He'll be alright, Hester, you'll see." she said to her mildly.

Hester returned both the squeeze and a smile "I know, Marion. He has to be." she said to her and to Vance "We write to each other constantly because we know that once he'll be sent overseas he won't be able to write to me as often as he can now." she said, her hand falling onto the pocket of her dress where she kept Seb's latest love-letter to his sweetheart.

Vance and Marion shared a knowing look with grins on their faces "So you write real love-letters now!" Marion put her slender hand on her cheek in awe as her heart always yearned for everything romantic. Vance however looked down on her hands and Hester knew that she was thinking of the "what if" concerning writing love-letters and her brother Selwyn.

Hester took Vance's hand in her own, smiling at her and Vance smiled back at her timidly, the blonde strand of hair falling onto her forehead "Yes, we are." Hester confirmed, her cheeks turning slightly pink.

"Are they long letters?" Marion asked excitedly, her own cheeks flushing with sudden colour which made both Hester and Vance to chuckle.

"Yes, quite long. They're always usually five pages long." Hester answered cheerfully.

Marion sighed in a theatrical way, probably mimicking her older sister's expressions as if she was replacing her absence on that day "That is so romantic!" she said and Hester and Vance laughed together again.

"It really is." Hester said dreamily "I've always imagined how it is to have a sweetheart but now that I really do have one I can honestly say that it is very different to imagine it and to experience it."

Marion and Vance smiled at each other and then at Hester "I hope that one day I'll know what you mean." Marion said dreamily as well.

"I hope so too." Vance added and squeezed Marion's hand with a knowing glance which passed between them.

"Of course you will, both of you, dears!" Hester said decidedly, looking at both of her friends with gleam in her eyes "Don't you ever even try to think otherwise!" she told them both and resulted in both of her friends smiling back at her, she then grinned with an air of small satisfaction floating around her .

"Oh, I wanted to ask you, Hester…" Marion started suddenly "-Did you decide whether you'll go to Toronto in September and study over there?" both her and Vance's eyes looked at Hester with both curiosity and fear of losing their friend to a far off city.

Hester smiled at their concerned faces "I did decide and I'm not going." she told them and both of her friends breathed a sigh of relief, resulting in all of them laughing together once more "I was thinking about every option which is open for me." she explained calmly "I talked with my parents, wrote to my brothers and Seb for advice and I got it eventually. They all told me that I was the one who should decide what to do but that I shouldn't think about anyone else only of myself and what I want to do."

"And you don't want to go to Toronto?" Vance asked curiously, fear from her eyes gone entirely.

"No, I don't really want to." Hester shrugged, her voice disbelieving her own words "I mean, I would love to go on and become a composer one day. I love composing as much as Selwyn loves writing but…" she turned her head towards the framed photograph standing on the windowsill with her parents on their wedding day "I can't leave my parents here with just themselves to worry about Selwyn and Gilly. I just wouldn't be able to bear the thought of them being so far away from me and reassuring me that everything is fine when it wouldn't be." she sighed, hiding the sudden flow of tears coming into her eyes.

Both Marion and Vance cuddled up with Hester at each side instantly "I would do just the same, Hester, if I were you." Marion said "And besides when the war is over you can still go on to study and become a composer." she smiled at her encouragingly.

Hester smiled kindly at her friends "It's not just that I don't want to leave my parents here with all of their children gone." she said "It's also that it was and is my deepest dream ever since I started playing the cello myself, to become a teacher and to teach children the passion I myself possess." she smiled joyfully at the thought.

"So you'll be a teacher first?" Vance asked reassuringly.

"Maybe forever, darling." Hester smiled at both Vance and Marion "And I wouldn't mind one single bit." Marion and Vance grinned at their friend with pride and joy over knowing that she wasn't going anywhere far from her home and them too "And you are both staying here in Glen as well, aren't you?" she asked them carefully.

"Yes." both the brown-haired and blonde-haired girls replied in unison and all of them laughed together merrily "I'm going to apply for the position of a teacher at Glen School." Marion said with twinkling eyes.

"And I'm going to work at auntie Una's orphanage." Vance said happily.

"I will too!" Hester exclaimed excitedly "And apart from being a private music teacher, helping auntie Una in the orphanage I'll be doing more for the Red Cross to help our boys at the front." she said joyfully.

Marion and Vance jumped up just as excitedly "Yes! I will sign up for the Red Cross too!" Marion said.

"And me!" Vance added cheerfully.

That is how the evening progressed. The three friends talked and laughed together and eventually ended up dancing with one another to Hester's recordings. They were then joined by the women from the kitchen who finished baking and filling the entire house with the perfect smell of pastry.

The men came back into the house and were very brilliantly surprised to see their wives, sisters and daughters dancing and singing together while stealing cookies from the top drawer of the kitchen's cupboard from time to time. They joined them in that merry moment and when Hester went to bed that evening, she realised for the first time since Seb went to the training camp, that a smile appeared and remained on her face during the entire evening. It was quite a glorious phenomenon, to smile, which she needed more than she originally thought.