Chapter XXXII

It was a sunny and warm Friday morning, and the May approaching could not only be imagined now. It was felt everywhere and in every corner, it was the inevatibility which nobody wanted to repress. A week has passed since the day when Marshall came back to Canada for the whole month and therefore he was only meant to stay for another three weeks to the disappointment of everyone, even though neither of them could hide how happy they all were to see one of their boys back in his hometown, carrying his scars with a nonchalant pride tangled with a feeling nobody apart from men older than him truly understood.

Hester did keep her promise just like he did and both were meeting each afternoon for an hour, at each of their houses, trying to teach one another their passions. With each passing afternoon, Hester felt that she truly never knew Marshall before. She never did, not even after hearing so many stories about him from Gilly over all of those years and not even after spending her entire life knowing him either. She wasn't proud of it, she felt quite ashamed that she didn't get to know him better before he came back home from the war for just a month before going back again but yet she felt very grateful for being given this divine opportunity to make another bosom friend, as she already started to refer to Marshall by just that.

Each afternoon when she would come back home after Marshall teaching her the art of shading and later talking with him and Vance for a little longer, she'd come into the House of Dreams with an almost shadow of a smile, or a grin or maybe something else entirely, her fingers still a bit stained with charcoal, and Daria would be there with Rilla at her side, both with crossed arms and raised eyebrows, hidden smiles of their own painted upon their faces. "What's wrong?" Hester would ask them, suddenly turning slightly pink yet surprised nonetheless. "Oh, nothing, dear." Rilla would say and pat Daria on the shoulder knowingly before inviting her two oldest daughters for supper.

But now it was morning and that was the very first time Hester could meet up with Marshall at that time of day as she didn't have any lessons on Fridays and was always regarding them as her "time off to reflect and put my melodies out on the paper". This morning, though, she was convinced by her newly made friend to take a walk with him to the Rainbow Valley after their piano lesson so that he could teach her how to catch the light with a pencil, a different kind of magic Hester still had to learn about.

They walked next to one another, both of their pairs of shoes taken off as Marshall suggested, and their cheeks still a bit red from the laughter his suggestion caused. Hester wore a white floral blouse with a red skirt and she was an embodiment of May approaching. Marshall didn't even bother to take a jacket with him and therefore, he looked rather dashing in his casual spirit. "So you haven't learnt that whole sonata yet, kid?" Marshall asked her with a pretend-sarcasm in his voice.

Hester pretend-laughed at him and hit his arm playfully as he himself was laughing "If you must know, Marshall Douglas," she said decidedly yet still smiling herself "-it takes time to learn the entire piece by heart. You have to learn how to play it correctly first and then also, how to play it with a full heart and soul. This does take time." she raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled again.

"Well, I suppose you're right," he said gently "-I haven't learnt that small piece you and I practise either…" and Hester laughed out loud herself, making him smile further.

"There's the old White lady." Marshall waved suddenly with delight spreading over his face "Shall we sit down underneath her shadow, mademoiselle?" he asked her with an extended arm which she took with her chin lifted up slightly and laughter at the back of her throat.

"Where did you get that poetic phrase from, Marshall?" she asked him funnily as they sat down next to each other, Marshall putting his suitcase full of charcoal and paper on the side.

"I'm not very poetic, am I?" he said and Hester chuckled with a shake of her head "But sometimes moments of light just sparkle inside of my head." he smiled at Hester and she smiled back joyfully.

She suddenly looked on her left, at some imaginary scene from the time before and her face darkened slightly as she sighed softly, nostalgia attacking her mind. Marshall noticed that and he looked closely at her face, not even at the place where she was looking at and his own face darkened slightly. "He was poetic, wasn't he?" he asked her suddenly.

Hester, blushing furiously, looked at him with a surprise "How did you know…?" she started.

Marshall shrugged "It's just that look you had on your face." he replied as if it was something obvious "You can't hide your feelings very well, Miss Hester."

Hester's cheeks were paler now, still a bit pink, though, and she sighed softly "No, I know I can't." she agreed with him "And yes, Seb was poetic. Very to be quite frank." she put a stem of grass in her fingers and started to look at it closely "But he wasn't honest, not with me anyway." she grinned wistfully at Marshall who looked almost annoyed.

"Gil told me." he said "And Vance too when I asked if I got the facts right." he looked at Hester then, and squeezed her hand "Seb was and is a very stupid man, kid." he winked at her and she smiled at him lightly "I hope you don't spend a lot of time thinking about him and about all the 'what ifs'."

"No, I don't anymore." she said to him "I used to, of course, but I stopped. It's been quite a long time anyway since all of this happened." she then sighed and drew up closer to him "Marshall, can I ask you something?" she asked suddenly.

"Sure. What is it?" he frowned a little, his sign of curiosity.

"I've known you, really known you, for a week only but I can already sense that there's something that you don't want to tell anyone yet you need to... badly, and… I think, I know what it is." she said and his expression changed as he turned slightly embarrassed it seemed or even a little fearful "I need to know this, Marshall. I need to because I know what it is." she squeezed his hand in reassurance and he looked up at her again "Tell me… everything."

Marshall's eyes were surveying her face until they settled on her eyes again. He grinned a bit weakly as he drew up closer to her, sighing softly "You're right." he said to her gently "I do need to tell someone. But Hester, do you really want to hear this?" he asked her a bit worryingly.

She put her hand on his and nodded fiercely "I need to know, Marshall." she whispered "Before Selwyn comes back so that I'll know what he saw and why is he changed so much. Not only because of that, though, I just… need to know, Marshall." she said finally and he nodded comprehensively. Hester had never seen nor had ever imagined it would be possible to see Marshall Douglas looking so worn out and gloomy at the same time.

"I think you know yourself, Hester, what it is that I saw." he started surprisingly calmly but his eyes truly attentive on hers "Men my age, younger, older, men whom I liked and talked to a day before, sang with a day before, suddenly carried on a stretcher drenched with their own blood, their eyes as dead as they can ever get." his fingers twitched slightly and Hester felt how the hair on the back of her neck risen "I'm not sure what Selwyn, John or Walt, or even your Phillip see and do every day, well... I have an idea but it's different for me as I'm a member of the Air Force." he said that a bit more calmly then.

"It doesn't matter." Hester whispered as she suddenly discovered she couldn't speak any louder than that "Tell me about you."

He looked at her for a moment and Hester thought he must have been thinking whether or not to tell her then "One of the worst things were the bombings we had to carry out." he said finally with a grave face "Because I knew that we are bombing people who are sitting in their homes, sipping a tea, eating their supper, peacefully sleeping in their beds. And we simply made it all… disappear. But not silently." his eyes filled with sudden wave of tears as Hester's own eyes did too.

She put her hands on his own and squeezed them tightly "I know, Marshall." tears were already rolling down her cheeks "But you cannot think that it's your fault. It's nobody's fault, the very feeling you have in your chest right now is the proof of that." she put her hand on his chest where his heart was meant to be located and she grinned at him lightly as he grinned back with effort "There's a war on and things as horrible as this never happen outside of it but always inside so please don't feel like that anymore."

"Doesn't it repulse you, Hester?" he asked her suddenly, drawing up nearer to her, a few of his own tears still on his warm cheeks "I've killed hundreds of people, people like you and me. Doesn't it make you, you with your beautiful, unique and sensitive soul, think of me as a monster?" his voice was almost hoarse then.

Hester's eyes were wider as she looked at his handsome face which was full of life, creativity, passion, emotion and future even though now it was covered with wet tears and fire of anger and regret in his green eyes. She could see not just Marshall then but both of her brothers, all of her cousins and her friend Phillip too. She shook her head as her eyes were full of tears all over again "No, Marshall. I don't think of you as a monster at all." she said with a cracked voice of her own "How can I? When you yourself have such a beautiful, unique and sensitive soul?" her lips formed a smile which was Hester's kindest and most true smile she has ever possessed.

Marshall's eyes were overfilled by then as he was at a loss of words. He then smiled at her too "I would have questioned that if I didn't know that you always speak the truth, kid." he said to her and she chuckled quietly, wiping away the tears from his cheeks with her handkerchief.

"I do, it's a gift and a curse at the same time." she replied and Marshall chuckled softly too. He then took a deep breath and let it out before his face was serious again. He turned to his companion by his side once more. "You know that I was reported "wounded and missing", don't you?" he asked her and she nodded along slowly "Just like Gil before me, I was in an aeroplane crash. Our plane landed on a tree and nothing serious apart from a few bruises and cuts happened to any of us. We got out of the plane and found ourselves eye-in-eye with the German soldiers patrolling the forest." he was twitching his fingers again and he started to breathe a bit more heavily "They loaded their guns and I, being the stupid man I am, wanted to run right in front of them to try to negotiate to let us all go freely." he chuckled bitterly at himself "I was the captain, after all." then he turned his head to face Hester "There was a man, an American called Adam, with whom I was always talking and joking whenever Gil was on a mission and I wasn't. He somehow sensed what I was about to do, bare in mind that others already started to run into the forest, and he threw himself on me while they fired out their guns." his lips tightened as he looked down for a second "If it wasn't for him I would be dead and buried on a German land by now. Instead, I was only imprisoned for a while before escaping." fresh tears started to run down his cheeks, even though he didn't seem to notice them at all.

Hester's own flushed cheeks were moist again and she outstretched her hand to lay it on his "I'm so sorry, Marshall." she whispered with a heart in her throat.

"If it wasn't for my stupidity, he could have been alive now." he said with his own voice entirely broken-hearted "Adam would be here today."

"But you wouldn't be, Marshall." she cried out suddenly, all of her emotions giving up inside of her and letting out of her as if to cleanse her soul "Oh, please, don't ever feel guilty of Adam's death." she sat in front of him now, on her knees, and put her small hands on his both cheeks making him look into her eyes more deeply "I know it will sound silly but I've always believed in this one sentence and I always will. But, believe me, Marshall, everything, every good and horrible thing or situation or an event that happens in our lives, happens for a reason. Everything does." and just like that Marshall put his arms around her and his head on her chest. She was brushing his curls with her hands and he trembled with tears of anger, regret and guilt all mixed together in one body of flesh.

They stayed like that for what it seemed to Hester an hour, even though it was much less than that. She cried, he cried, their emotions were equal yet at different levels and combined with different thoughts yet of the same origin. He was saying more, bits and pieces, and each time he did Hester's eyes would produce more tears but she was steadier now, calmer. Hester knew then, she knew that what she feared most have happened to each of the man in her family. She felt terrible yet shockingly calm and relieved of the knowledge she was now sure of. She knew what she would do for all of them as she knew now what they needed most and it was so simple it hurt her. All it took was some motivation, listening, support, comfort and most importantly showing them love they've forgotten it existed.

Finally, he stopped sobbing and then he stopped trembling. Hester went on with stroking his brown curls and then, when his time came, he pulled away revealing his hot and reddish face yet with a tender smile upon it, gentle but a smile nonetheless. "Thank you." he whispered simply "I've never told this to anyone before you." he squeezed her hand then, gratefully and surely "Do people always tell you all of their deepest secrets?" he asked and Hester chuckled in her sweet way.

"Only the people who trust me." she replied with a smile and he smiled back at her, wiping away the rest of his tears before pulling her gently under his arm.

"But you know what's the strangest thing about the war?" he said suddenly and Hester looked up at him again "The most real and home-like things happen and are seen there. Like, when I started my training with Gilly and they've shown us a real bullet for the first time-" he smiled at the memory softly "-we were so excited and pumped with joy, you know, like little kids at school. But I also remember thinking, when I held that bullet for the first time in my life," he looked down at his hand and outstretched it before Hester as if she could see it too and she could "-I thought that it looked like a woman's lipstick, like Jo's lipstick, I thought at the time." he smiled again and then looked down at Hester who grinned back at him.

"Maybe they've fooled you and it was a lipstick after all?" she asked him and they both laughed merrily together.

Marshall then smiled down at her, his green eyes twinkling at her hazel ones which shone so brightly they looked almost honey-like "I've never had a friend like you, Hester." he said suddenly, affectionately "I wish that my habit of calling you a kid would come to an end."

Hester smiled up at him brightly "No," she said "-don't ever stop calling me that. Not even when I'm eighty years old and definitely not a kid anymore."