Chapter XXXVII

30th June 1944

My dearest Marshall,

I am so very grateful that you're alright, in good health, in one piece and still here with me in this world we all share. Darling, please, for my sake and your family's, always stay safe and never do anything that you don't need to do or what can put you in any kind of danger. I wouldn't be able to bear it, and I don't think your family, and everyone else here for that matter, would either. Not after our dearest John has been killed not so long ago…

Auntie Nan has overcome the period of shock and now she's truly grieving her one and only son she had and now doesn't. She even wears a black veil over her face whenever she goes out into town. Marshall, I can't imagine her pain and the worst thing is that only two people really understand it and these are my Grandma Anne and Grandpa Gilbert, of course. They have long conversations with both Auntie and Uncle almost every day and it seems to start to heal them, at least Uncle Jerry is healing slightly although the right side of his hair has suddenly become quite silver. Grandpa John and Grandma Rosemary are also a great help to them both. Auntie Di came over two days after the telegram came and she is the other person who can actually calm her twin down and we are all very grateful for her as well. Auntie Nan is better than she was only a few days after the telegram's arrival but she will need much more time to heal, everyone can see that.

Jo has been crying all week long as you know yourself because I'm sure she has written to you already. However, she is already much better and it's all because of dear Fleur who gives her the purpose she needs in her life, now that what she feared most has happened. She's so strong, Marshall, and I'm so proud of her for being so brave in this time of darkness that has surrounded us all.

Lily came back home to us yesterday afternoon and I can't even tell you properly in what state she's in. Marshall, you'd never recognise her for the world. I know that you don't know Lily half as much as I do but I do know that you symbolise Lily with brightness, optimism and that spark of hope following her wherever she'd go. Marshall, see I'm sobbing already, she's now the complete opposite of that. It's as if the bullet that pierced John's heart and took his life away from him, also pierced Lily's heart and her life has been taken away from her too yet her body stayed.

I went over to the House on the Hill and Auntie Faith opened up the door for me, looking miserable for obvious reasons and she embraced me tightly as she whispered into my ear: "If God can't help her, Hester, dear, please let it be you who can." and Marshall I've never felt more scared to help another human being than in that moment and now as well. I came into the living room and Marion raised from her seat with her own cheeks all puffy, dear thing that she is, and she smiled at me hopefully. Lily was sitting on the sofa, looking outside the window and dressed all in black. I thought it wasn't her at first, Lily we know detests black and anything that symbolising negativity but it was really her because her hair was still as red and shiny as always. She only looked up and saw me when I stood in front of her. She was so pale, Marshall, and thin that I myself felt beginning to cry. Without any words at all, she raised and embraced me artificially. "I'm dying, Hester." she whispered almost soundlessly into my ear. "I won't let you." I whispered back but never got an answer. She didn't even cry. She is simply lifeless.

I will most definitely do everything in my power to bring her back to us. I don't know if I will succeed, though… Marshall… Yesterday, when I came back home I put myself into her shoes and thought of what I'd do if anything would… happen... to you and it makes me want to truly die myself. The reason for this is simple, my dearest Marshall, there's no one after you for me. How can there be when I love you like this and you love me back like this too? If there's anyone after you for me then this is in another lifetime which I will never have.

God, how am I supposed to help her? What if she doesn't want any help? Why can't the war just end and let the peace bring all those brave angel soldiers back to us? I'm sorry that this letter isn't as happy as all of my letters used to be. I know that I should write them like that so that you, whilst being at the front, would read them all and smile, but then you yourself asked me for the truth both in what is happening around me and in my head and so this is why this letter is so mopy and horrible.

Marshall, we got the letter from Selwyn after he heard about John. His letter was the shortest I've ever read from him, the most hurried, the most prosaic he had ever written. I don't think he has ever been so damaged and hurt. I am terrified of seeing him in August. Yet, I am very much in need of putting him into an embrace and letting him cry his heart out on my shoulder like he has to although he doesn't have the energy to do that just yet. My dearest brother! Walt is just as downhearted as Selwyn is about their mutual friend and cousin's death however he is rejoicing in the fact that Selwyn is coming to Canada for once and for all in two months time and they can both share their grief over John's death.

Marshall, I feel ashamed of not knowing John more than I do. I wish I could have talked to him when I could, I wish I could have… Well, it's pointless, isn't it? You've told me in your previous letter to me, which truly did help me to ease my own pain, that everything happens for a reason... Ridiculous, you shouldn't be supporting me now, I should be supporting you, a soldier at the front! But this is what I love about you, you always show your love to the people you love through everything you do.

It's almost time for me to go to my lesson with small Olivia and so I must go, unfortunately or maybe fortunately? This letter to you won't get any happier today, I'm afraid. Tomorrow will be better. You always say to me "Put your chin up high, kid" and so I will, my sweetheart.

Take care of yourself.

Your always loving fiancee,

Hester (known to you as "kid")

"Hester, you need to speak to her, dear friend, please! Mummy is worrying her head off and dad already had an argument with Lily as he wanted to persuade her to tell him everything that lies inside her soul, but she won't listen or say anything! Please, speak to her, I know she'll listen to you." Marion's wet cheeks were dripping off with her tears right down to Hester's hands which held hers. Hester's head was overfilled with emotions of all kinds.

It was the beginning of July and the perfect weather of summertime. Other than the weather nothing was quite so perfect in Hester's life or the world at that moment. It was the time when the radio was filled with the V-1 bombardment on England and its several thousands of losses, and Hester thought that her own life was being bombarded and attacked, damaged to pieces more and more each day. Gilly and Marshall were involved even more now in the "war business" as Marshall called it causing their letters to become less frequent and less detailed than before, at least from Marshall's and Gilly's side. Selwyn's coming back home was emerging from the surface, provoking Hester's heart to skip a beat in fear of the form and shape her brother's soul would meet hers, and now Lily was sinking in her own mourning over the man she loved with her whole being.

"How do you know that she'll speak to me, Marion?" Hester said helplessly "If she won't say a word to you or your parents or…"

"Hester," Marion said seriously all of a sudden, however still steadily "-I need you to bring my sister back home, she's not here yet. That person who sits all day in her room, looking outside the window and waiting for John Meredith to miraculously walk down the lane, is not Lily." a few tears started to roll down her cheeks again.

Hester's own lip trembled slightly "What if she won't speak to me either?" she asked her.

"I have a feeling she will." Marion said hopefully and smiled assuringly at her friend "She always used to be able to talk more about her feelings with you than anyone else. You're just that soul, that soul to which everyone can always turn to in despair." she kissed Hester's cheeks and Hester smiled back at her through her misty eyes.

"Sometimes it's a wonderful gift," she said "-but other times, it can be a curse."

The red-haired young girl sat on her window-sill. She had her arms wrapped around her knees in protection of the world she lived in and she was dressed in a black dress, black shoes, with a black ribbon enveloping her pony tail. She seemed almost lifeless and out of space as she stared outside her window with a longing look full of misery and hatred for life itself.

"Lily," Hester said quietly as she closed the door behind her. It was strange for her to say that name to the stranger in front of her "-I've brought you the new skirt I've sewn for you last week." she smiled at her encouragingly although Lily's back was on her and she could only see Hester from the reflection in her window.

"It's blue." she said in a hoarse voice of a person who hasn't spoken in a very long time.

"Of course it is blue, your favourite colour." Hester came closer and smiled directly at the reflection of her freckled friend in the window "Won't you try it on, dear?"

Lily moved around slowly, her eyes vivid and filled with anger "It's not black." she said firmly "I won't wear it."

Hester's smile disappeared immediately. She sat down next to Lily, on the windowsill and looked at her with wistfulness. "Lily," she said quietly but decidedly enough "-we need you to come back to us, to your family and friends."

Lily regarded her then expressionlessly. "What for?" she said in a tone Hester never heard her speak before "I don't understand why you, you Hester," she said that through clenched teeth and Hester got a bit frightened of her for a moment "-who has a fiance and a love of her life out there in the war, don't understand why I don't want to come back." her hazel eyes were filled with tears then.

"Lily, I…" Hester started but Lily shook her head and continued.

"I hate this name." she said angrily "My formal name is Cecilia and I intend to be called Cecilia from now on. Not Lily." she looked back to the window and Hester felt how her own heart was slowly crumbling into pieces.

She reached out for her hand and with a moment hesitation, touched Lily's shoulder instead "Darling," she said kindly "-how do you want to live if you won't come out of this room, won't wear the clothes you like, won't speak to the people who love you, or won't work like you always wanted to?" she asked her.

Lily looked back at her "Because there's no future for me anymore." she said without a trace of fury now, only a pure heartbreak "There is no husband, no children, no home, no love." she said softly while her cheeks were wet already "Why would I want to live if all of this is gone from me forever?"

"You have home and love." Hester said to her fiercely, squeezing Lily's hand tightly in her own "You can still have a husband and children…"

"No, I can't!" she outbursted suddenly, the tears doubling in their quantity and her hands clinging on to Hester's "John was the only one for me, forever and ever! I had loved him for six years of my life, so fiercely, so passionately, so hopefully that I never thought he'd be so easily taken away from me!" she wiped away the first wave of her tears while she trembled all over "One small bullet…" she shook her head, her gaze far away "It takes not just one life… It is always a simple equation." she looked up into Hester's eyes "I have learnt this not just by John's… death… but also by my own experience as a nurse. One bullet equals the death of the soldier, grief to his family, grief to the nurses that have the chance sometimes to hold his hand as he passes from this world to another, grief to the ones who have known him and that's always more than just one person."

Hester's cheeks matched Lily's then, overfilled with tears as she remembered her cousin John, always smiling and being the back to Selwyn and Walt, his for-a-lifetime friends. She squeezed Lily's hands once more "Lily," she whispered to her "I won't say that I know how you must feel." Lily looked up at her then, with her eyes slightly different from the ones she had moments earlier "Nobody who hasn't experienced this heartbreak will ever know. However, this is not the reason to stop living your life, especially at your age. You're just twenty-one years old, darling." she smiled at her softly whilst putting a disobedient curl behind her friend's ear "You have a whole life ahead of you. You will work as a lawyer, you will go to the parties and dance and sing so beautifully like you always used to. You will travel and see different cities and countries. You'll meet new wonderful people, and maybe one of them will…" Hester stopped for a second then but then decidedly grinned at Lily again "-will be the man who will love you so passionately, in such a unique and sacred way that you will want to give this kind of life you've always dreamed of another chance."

Lily searched through Hester's face as if for answers she still hasn't set the questions to. Tears were still running down her face yet she looked calmer and clearer too. "I love him." she whispered softly "Present tense, not past." she glanced down at the shining ring that she wore around her neck.

"I'm not saying that you should let go of him now or even in two years time." Hester said to her calmly "Just live for yourself and people who love you, Lily. Live for John because he's watching over you." she said with misty eyes and Lily then turned to look at her again, her cheeks still overflowed by tears yet her eyes somewhat shining.

"I know." she whispered out "I can feel his presence with me, my darling John…" and she fell into Hester's opened arms, sobbing and gradually returning to her own colours of the mind and the body.

Hester sat like that with Lily for a while and it was as if she herself was slowly regaining her life, her hope in what was to come or not to come. But they both could feel one thing in common, despite both of their minds focused on different people and different emotions. They could both feel the presence of a young man in a uniform, shining through the clouds on the ocean-blue sky, and smiling down at them, seeing that the clouds of their misery would be lifted up one day, one sunny day.