Family Holiday
Phoebe's POV:
"Holiday.. Beach...Disneyworld... Holiday.. Beach...Disneyworld..." Carrie repeats over and over, skipping around the dining table. She has been excited about this trip since we told her two days ago. To our seven-year-old, it seems like another exciting family holiday, after an already impressive four weeks consisting of her over the top seventh birthday that my parents organized and receiving her gift from them. Christian Grey does nothing small, and he along with my mother has had her bedroom redecorated. Carrie is yet to either ask or wonder why this holiday has been so spontaneous and why we are letting her miss school, usually a big 'no no' in our books. This holiday is all about making memories and spending time together as a family.
Josh has had a rough three weeks. The luxury of believing that he is relatively well fine and able to continue as normal is coming to come to an end. We just don't know when this day will come. I pray that this doesn't end up being our last holiday as a family of three. We haven't told Carrie about her father's declining health, but we will soon. It is getting harder and harder to hide the truth from our inquisitive daughter. Josh and I have decided, to be honest with her. We don't want Carrie ever to think that we lied to her. Though when and how?
I complete my standard before we go on holiday double check. Usually, I would be inspecting our passports, foreign currency, and credit cards, before handing them over to security to care for. This time I am making sure that I have three USB's which contain all of Josh's medical information and his recent decline; a second supply Josh's medication in case of a delay, his prescriptions, and the contact numbers of his specialist here in Seattle and even in New York. We are going to Florida, to take Carrie to Disneyworld, and spend time on the beach. It's the perfect location and not that far from Josh's specialist on the east coast should the need arise. Coincidental, when I am sufficiently satisfied that everything is in order, I feel a pair of welcomed and familiar arms around my waist. I try to hide the fact that I have been going over all of Josh's medical needs and documents. I can tell that he is looking down at the contents in front of me.
"Hey Carrie, have you grabbed your bear? If you don't get him now, he may be left behind." Her little mouth opens in shock, and she runs upstairs as fast as her little legs will take her. Carrie never goes anywhere away from home without her beloved toy.
"Gosh, her running like that, she might just make the US Olympic track team in twenty years," Josh comments wrapping his arms around me tighter. I close my eyes, strengthening my memory of what it feels like to be in his arms. One day he won't be able to. One day he won't be here. I want to remember how it felt. "Phoebe, my doctor prepared all my medical paperwork and medication for this trip. I don't want you to worry not do you need to go through everything with a fine-tooth comb."
"I'm not." I try to sound convincing, hurriedly placing all the medical paperwork and USB's in the sealed holder. I would have except Josh turns me around and tilts my chin up, so I am forced to make eye contact with him. My eyes confirm what he already knows. I lied.
"Let's just enjoy the next seven days. My doctor has cleared me to travel. I am allowed to do all the rides that Carrie will be interested in at Disneyworld, and I feel great. I want to enjoy this week trouble free, obligation free and cell phone free week with our incredible daughter and my hot, sexy and intelligent wife. Please?" I nod, smiling, wrapping my arms around Josh, and kiss him.
"Your lips are delicious." Josh puts his hand behind my head, kissing me passionately.
"Don't start kissing!" Josh and I stop suddenly at Carrie's uncharacteristic screech. She looks like she is carrying the weight of the world. "Don't kiss mom! Daddy stop!"
"And why is it that I should stop kissing my wife?" Josh fake's seriousness.
"Because I want to go on holiday too. I don't want to stay behind!" Carrie declares ever so forcibly. I think she has been spending too much time with my father.
"What do you mean?"
"Eli." Josh and I look at each other confused. What does our nephew have to do with this? "When you two went away for your anniversary, and I slept over at Uncle Ted and Aunt Lily's house, Eli was there. I asked why I couldn't go away with you two and he said that little kids aren't allowed on holidays where adults were kissing and doing adult stuff. So can you two please stop now!"
"Alright, we will stop for now, though I will be kissing mommy again." Josh bends down and picks up Carrie. I worry a little hoping it doesn't put extra pressure on his body. "You know something Carrie, you are as kissable as your mommy."
"Mommy is pretty."
"Yes, she is. Mommy is the most beautiful woman in the world. Just like you sweetheart."
"Mommy says you are handsome, but.." Carrie stops putting her finger on her chin looking at her father carefully.
"But what?" Josh encourages.
"I can see some more lines around your eyes, and it's dark around them. You have been sick. Is your tummy sore? Mommy has medicine that makes my tummy better when it hurts." Carrie states. She is right. Josh has dark circles his eyes. He needs to rest more. I don't think we've given Carrie enough credence. She is observes everything. Carrie knows her father is unwell.
"Do you have your bear?" Josh enquires shifting our daughter's focus.
"Yep right here."
"Phoebe, is there anything else you to pack?"
"No."
"Then I declare us all ready to leave." With Josh's usual style he takes control and shifts the focus. "Carrie, are you ready to go so you can give Mickey Mouse a hug tomorrow?"
"Yes and Minnie. She is my favorite!"
"My favorite is Donald Duck," Josh tells her playfully.
"But daddy Donald Duck won't like you." I am curious at Carrie's statement but humored by her serious tone and stance.
"Why?"
"Because you ate duck at that restaurant you went to with Uncle Ted, Uncle Marcus, Grandpa and Uncle Elliott yesterday. You might have eaten one of Donald duck's friends or family members."
"Oh I did, didn't I. I will be careful not to breathe on him then. Maybe I will get away with it." Carrie laughs while Josh look's perplexed. "Hey Carrie, how did you know what I ate yesterday?" I raise my eyebrow curious myself now that he has bought it up.
"I heard you mention it to mom when you got home that day." Carrie is right. Josh came home feeling a little off and mentioned it might have been due to the duck. I didn't even know Carrie was listening. He returned from lunch at two, and I swear she was upstairs.
"Miss Carrie, time to go. Can you be a big helper?" She nods enthusiastically. Carrie is so eager to be a 'big girl.' "Can you go outside and check if security is ready too."
"Okay, Daddy." Obediently she walks off. Josh looks at me. I know this expression. I know what he is going to say and I don't want to hear it. Not right now. Not before we leave. I plan to walk out before Josh has a chance to speak. I quickly grab my bag and the document bag though before I can exit Josh steps in front of me, blocking my path and wrap's his arms around me. It forces me to drop the contents of my hands on the floor involuntarily.
"Don't. Not now." I beg. I force my tears away. I can't bear to even think about telling Carrie about Josh's condition, particular just before our holiday.
"Phoebe, don't cry."
"I'm not" Josh looks at me cautiously.
"We are going to have to tell Carrie; she hears everything. I don't want her to learn about my health by accident. It is best she hears it from us directly." I look away at first but nod in agreement the time is coming even if I wish it weren't.
# # # #
I am only partially aware that Josh and Carrie are sneaking up on me after their swim. I slowly start to open my eyes, though squint at the brightness of the Florida sun. I realize that I fell asleep reading.
"Mommy you woke up. You weren't supposed to. " Carrie comments disappointed. I have just ruined her fun it seems.
"Wasn't I now?"
"No. Dad and I were going to wake you up, by jumping on the beach bed. Daddy said that you use to always fall asleep during the day on holidays when you weren't moving around and reading before I was born!" I narrow my eyes at Josh as he laughs. It true. We rarely have little time to rest like we use to on holidays since Carrie was born; however, she is older now, and our Florida vacation has been fantastic.
This week has delivered everything it promised. From spending countless hours over three days walking around Disneyland, meeting the characters and going on the rides, to spending the remaining time on the beach. We have loved watching Carrie race each wave, build sand castle after sandcastle and even burying one of our additional CPOs in the sand. However, my favorite moment was last night when we were lying on the beach lounge chairs. I was cuddled up to Josh while we watched the sun set and our precious daughter doing handstands and cartwheels, on the sea shore. She didn't have a care in the world. As it should be. How it pains me to think of how her life will change.
"Since it's our last night here before we fly back to Seattle, why don't you think of something you would like us all to do tonight Carrie?" I offer. I suspect she is going to want to play some board game or go for a walk along the coast until we find the best ice cream flavor the state of Florida has to offer.
"I am tired. Can I have an early dinner of fish and chips? Please? There is a beachside cafe over there. I know you don't like deep fried food, but I could have them and then you two can have something else for dinner afterward." Josh avoids deep fried food and the last time I ate them I was sick. Also, It doesn't feel right not to have dinner as a family, especially on holidays.
I glance at Josh to get his opinion. "I think that sounds great. Carrie should be able to have her dinner of choice on the last day of our holiday. We can order some dinner at the beach house later on. I am not hungry right now."
"Well, that settles it."
# # # #
I shift over on the couch so I can rest my head on Josh's lap when he returns from taking Carrie to bed. I have been going through some of the menus from local restaurants. I don't have a dinner preference other than the restaurant needs to deliver. I have no interest in getting changed and am lying around wearing a pair of light cotton shorts and an old off the shoulder shirt.
"That was quick. Didn't Carrie want to read or anything?"
"No, she was exhausted. Carrie was asleep the second her head hit the pillow. She didn't even try to argue that she wasn't and should be able to stay up."
"Wonders never cease from our little lawyer in training. She is so much like you."
"I know, but thank god she looks more like you than me." Josh takes the menus out of my hands and takes hold of my left hand, kissing each one of my knuckles before playing with my wedding and engagement ring.
"What would you like to eat? The Mexican and the Chinese menus look pretty good. Though I suspect that I am being persuaded by the fact that they deliver." Josh doesn't reply instead looks at examines his watch with far too much interest. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing:" Josh replies relieved when we hear voices. He gets up in time for an unexpected visitor to enter the main room.
"Mother, good you are here and on time. You look fantastic. How was your flight?" I stand in surprise as Josh approaches his mother.
"Of course I am on time, I always am, and my flight was rather pleasant. How are you feeling?" Aubrey Harris's voice becomes lower as she lovingly questions her son on his health. I stand back letting them have some time together.
"I feel great. I am well cared for!" Aubrey looks at me and smiles broadly.
"I know... seriously Phoebe I thank God every day that you fell in love with my son. Without you, who knows what would have become of Joshua. He would never have given me a grandchild!" I smirk at Josh. He spent a lot of his thirties being chastised by his mother for never really securing a stable relationship.
"Aubrey, it's wonderful to see you. Josh didn't tell me you were flying down?" I walk over to her and hug her. She holds me tightly and for longer than usual.
"I am only here for one night. I can't wait to see my granddaughter. I bought her cocoa pops for breakfast as she requested on the phone. Requested? Phone call?
"Carrie is looking forwards to seeing you also. She has requested that you sleep in the room next to hers. Is that okay?" Josh adds.
"Of course." I alternate between looking at Josh and Aubrey. It isn't like my husband to keep secrets or forget to tell me important facts. Aubrey coming to spend the last night and day of our holiday with us is an important event. I don't mind, in fact, I am happy she is here. Aubrey has always been supportive of us and although she would never come close to my mother, is a great mother in law. I was going to suggest that Aubrey flys out and spend some time with us in Seattle, especially before Josh's health declines further. "So when are you two leaving?" My head spins. Leaving?
"Right now," Josh adds casually. "Let's go, Phoebe?"
"I wasn't aware we are going anywhere." Josh's eyes glow. I know that he isn't going to tell me anything, at least not while we are here.
"Mom, security is located on the second level. Just pick up this phone and press one. They can get you anything you need or want. If you need us or if Carrie wants to talk us, then press two. It will connect to my cell phone. We will be back before lunch tomorrow. I have made reservations for us all to eat together."
Josh takes my hand and guides me straight out of the house. He doesn't even give me a chance to grab my bag or cell phone. I suspect this is part of his plan. One of our CPO's, Markinson, is waiting for us by one of our hire cars. We always hire two cars as per protocol. Josh fishes out his cell phone and hands it to him.
"I only wish to be interrupted by phone calls from my mother, Carrie or if it's an emergency." Josh opens the door for me and holds my hand as I enter the car. Josh glances at me from the side, smirking proudly.
"So since we have left with just the clothes on our back, and have no idea of what and where we are going, are you going to fill me in?"
"Eventually." Josh's voice is confident and could be excused for mistaking him for being arrogant. In light of everything out of his control, this little excursion is proof that something is still in his power. I shuffle over, so I am right next to him. I lean into him, resting my head on his chest causing him instinctively to wrap his arm around me.
Safe. Warm. Loved. Cherished. Important. These are the five words that always come to mind when I am in Josh's arms. It feels like the world filters away, and nothing else matters but our daughter and us. I allow my eyes to close, feeling completely relaxed. Carrie is going to be excited to see her grandmother, and I am with the only guy that has been able to steal my heart.
I feel small kisses on my forehead, nose, and lips waking me. "Sorry that I had to wake you, but we are here."
"I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"You looked beautiful, you always do." Josh exits the car and holds his hand out for me to help me out. Chivalrous to the end. I look around trying to acquaint myself with the surroundings. We are at a large pier that strangely has only one boat docked and appears to be our destination.
"Mr. and Mrs. Harris, welcome aboard." A well-dressed man greets us, in all white. I think he must be the captain, but I am not sure. I find myself in the middle of the deck area and look around. It's luxurious, plush though intimate. It's difficult to make out what Josh and the captain say to each other, but I do catch that everything is in order as planned.
"We are going to set sail in about ten minutes. I am going to change my clothes. Would you like to also? You don't need to, though. You always look beautiful in whatever you wear."
"Josh we left the house without any clothes..." I stop mid sentence. What am I thinking? My loving husband planned this all out. He organized for his mother to care for Carrie for the evening, a treat our daughter will greatly enjoy. Josh doesn't miss anything. "Where do we go to get changed?" I place my right hand on Josh's chest lovingly and then salacious slide my index finger down his chest, stomach until I reach his happy trail.
"Your clothes are in the cabin, on the bed. I wasn't sure what you would like to wear. There are some options." Josh kisses me chastely and then walks off into the direction where the captain and two members of staff are standing. They are too far for me to hear and aren't giving anything away. I breathe in the warm fresh sea air, deciding to take a page out of my parent's book and 'Live in the moment.'
I return to the deck. We have started to move. Josh is waiting for me, having changed himself into a pair of dark jeans and a dark blue buttoned shirt. He looks picture perfect and best of all he is barefoot. I don't know why I like him like this so much, but I do. I think it reminds me of early on in our relationship when we frolicked in the water fountain, Seattle. I feel in love with Josh more that day and have done so each day afterward. Without realizing it, I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him even when we were separated. If I hadn't gone to New York when I learned he was sick... if we hadn't reconciled... if Josh hadn't received his transplant... I don't know where I would be. There are far too many if's. WhenI think about the future; this dreaded word seems to fill it.
"I didn't expect you to choose that outfit."
"Then why was it packed for me?" I reply looking up through my eyelashes innocently. In the cabin was my red cocktail dress, one of my casual cotton dresses, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and the clothes I chose.
"I had it packed thinking maybe tomorrow you would like to go for a swim before we head back." I shrug. I am wearing my bikini covered by my sheer bathing Swimsuit Cover. I chose it by design. It leaves nothing to the imagination.
"I did notice that no night clothes were packed."
"I didn't see the need." I grin shyly as I blush. Josh takes my left hand pulling me closer to him. He doesn't let go of my hand, and his other hand finds its way under my swimsuit cover, caressing my body.
"What if I said I was tired?" I respond teasing.
"Then I would have to feed you and put you to bed... however going back to your choice of clothing, the evidence indicates that this is not the case!"
"Always the lawyer." I meant to be playful but my statement it stings a touch. Joshua ceased work a week before we left on our holiday. He will never practice law again. "Do we have to eat right now?"
"You're not hungry?" Josh probes.
"Not for food." Josh's lips part slightly, and he breathes out.
"Then, by all means, allow me to satisfy your ever so particular hunger." Josh hurries me down to the cabin, and once the door is locked, he pushes me against the wall and kisses me passionately and intensely. "Let me love you!" Josh, tugs my swimwear cover over my head and guides me to the bed., laying me flat on my back.
"I want to kiss you.. here. I want to hear you come."
"Please." I somehow manage to speak, catching my breath. My heart is pounding. I want to beg Josh to touch me, offering myself to him. He begins to tease me, running his hands up and down my thighs, and skimming over my sex. I can't help but moan each time he does. Josh grins knowing how much I want him. He begins his delicious assault. I dig my nails into the duvet as my body becomes all sensation. I am transported to another world. I am completely naked, unaware when Josh took my bikini off, nor do I care. "Josh" I call out his name. I am so close.
"You... are... so... sweet!" He murmurs in between kissing, stimulating and loving me. "You are close."
"Don't stop" I groan.
"You are so easy to tease when you are like this." I don't have to look at Josh to know he is grinning, playfully. I can sense his mood.
"Josh please!" I am so wired up. You would think because Josh has stopped his delicious attack my body would come down, but it's the opposite. I am desperate for him.
"Considering I did say I wanted to hear you and vowed on our wedding day, to be honest with you." Josh doesn't say anything else. He inserts one then two fingers in me while stimulating me with his thumb. "Open your eyes I want to see you."
I struggle but force my eyes open. I want him to see how he makes me feel and how much my body belongs to him. My heart is pounding. Just before I commence to clench around his fingers, Josh removes them. I practically scream out as he fills me, moving slowly. It isn't until I thrust against him, that Josh quickens his pace, giving me the frictional I desperately desire.
I find my glorious release and clench hard against Josh, spurring him on to do the same. I study his face. His eyes are clenched tight. Almost as if he is in pain. I raise my hand to caress his cheek and feel a single tear.
"Are you in pain?" I instinctively ask, wondering if he hurt himself or if it's his kidney.
"Yes," Josh states honestly.
"We need to head back to the coast. I will call your doctor. He can advise us of what to do." I reach over for my cell phone only to be stopped by him.
"No Phoebe. I don't need my doctor. I am not in that sort of pain... I just... I love you so much!"
"I love you too."I run my hand down from Josh's cheek to his chest. I can feel his heart beat.
"Let me show you properly, how much I love you." Josh commences raining kisses over my lips, neck, and chest, slowly and passionately making love to me. Worshipping every part of my body.
# # # #
I look at my plate. I haven't touched anything on my plate. I have picked at my food, moved my chicken Caesar salad around, but nothing has made it past my lips. We arrived home from Florida yesterday. Today is the day. I desperately try to hide the fact that I am staring at Carrie. I can't make it obvious. I don't want her to catch on. I am making a memory. Remembering what how happy she was before she found out. After this moment her life enters a turning point. I wonder if this day will break up her childhood, the time where she is carefree living with her parents and the time where she learned that her father was ill. Carrie experienced death when my grandfather died, but that was a few years ago now, and she was so young. Carrie is still young though far more aware.
"Carrie, after your lunch, I want you to go clean up and see me in my study. There is something we want to talk to you about." Carrie stops immediately.
"Am I in trouble?"
"No. We just need to talk. Okay?"
"I guess" Carrie shrugs.
Twenty minutes later, Carrie enters the study. She looks concerned. "Have I done something wrong?"
"No. Come and sit in the middle of us. We want to show you something." In our study is a round table with a round padded bench. It's the ideal place to talk to Carrie. We have spread out a series of photos. "Have you ever seen this picture?"
"No. I don't think so. You look skinny daddy."
"This picture was taken when I was in hospital. It was when my kidneys weren't working, and I had to have a new kidney."
"That's when Poppy Adam gave you one of his."
"Yes, that's right. Poppy helped make me better." While we have told Carrie that Adam, Josh's dad gave him a kidney, we never told her how it took my dad to track him down and bring him back to the USA to help. That was all history now. What mattered was that Josh survived.
"If I hadn't had a transplant do you know what would have happened?" I swallow hard at Josh's question.
"You would have died and gone to heaven. That is where poppy Carrick is. I miss him. He used to sneak me jelly beans when no one was looking." Carrie responds very matter of fact.
"Yes, I would have died. I was lucky. I got a transplant and then do you know what happened?" I can't help smile. Josh has the most infectious smile on his face. Carrie shakes her head unsure. "I got to marry mommy. See this is one of our wedding photos." Carries face lights up. She has always loved looking at our wedding pictures.
"Then a couple of years later you came along." We show Carrie a picture of when she was born, then several other photos of events and trips that we have all attended. "You see Carrie, I have been very lucky. My doctor didn't think I would live when I was sick and needed a transplant. It's very hard to get a transplant. I was able to do lots of things since I then. The best thing of all was marrying mommy, and then getting to be your dad.!"
"I love having you too, daddy"
"Now Carrie we need to tell you something and it's okay to be sad and not understand. We will help you through this time okay?"
"Okay" Carrie responds narrowing her eyes. A clear Grey family trait.
"When the doctors gave me the transplant they told me it wouldn't last forever. They said that half the people get about five years. I have been lucky I have already had nine years." Josh stopped as Carrie started to count on her hands.
"That's four more years."
"Yes, but I have been feeling unwell, and my doctor told me I was sick again."
"Is your kidney hurting again?"
"Yes princess it is. They told me that it is going to stop working."
"When?"
"We don't know. I am going to have a lot of treatment and will fight every second of the day for you, but I am going to get sicker." I close my eyes, forcing the tears back. Carrie is silent. I wish I could read her mind.
"Are you going to die daddy?"
"I probably will princess." I don't blame Josh for not coming out just telling Carrie about the inevitable.
"You're not telling me the whole truth are you?"
"I don't know, but I promise that I will try and hang around for as long as possible okay." Carrie who had been leaning against me, practically throws herself on Josh, wrapping her arms around him.
"Don't die daddy" Carrie looks up. Her blue eyes, wide.
"Oh Carrie, my sweet little angel, you are so loved. I don't want to, but I can't..."
"Don't die daddy. Stay with mommy and me," Carrie is becoming more emotional and almost angry.
"I promise to live for as long as I can. I love you no matter what. We all do. You are my big, grown up girl. That is why we told you the truth. Do you understand.? Josh releases Carrie and lifts up her chin. He wipes her tears and rubs her nose with his, a sure fire way of making her laugh each time.
"Yes daddy."
"Now, I might be getting sick, but I still have a lot of life in me still. How about we take the horses out?" This offer usually has Carrie jumping up and down excited, but in the context of everything, she is quiet.
I reckon Brandneis missed me more than your horse did."
"Oh no. My horse would have missed me more because I give her more treats than you give Brandneis."
"We'll run upstairs and change. Mom and I will wait for you downstairs. We can go to the stables. " Josh and I are already dressed appropriately to go horseback riding, it is our little girl's favorite hobby and knew it would help relieve some of the sadness she was facing by hearing this news or at least divert her thoughts. Also, it would reinforce that Josh wasn't dying today, that he could still participate in family life.
"That was hard" Josh rubs his temple and looks like he is about to crumble. A father should never have to tell his seven-year-old that he is dying.
"You did well."
"I promise you, Phoebe, I will fight for as long a possible."
"Then agree..."
" NO" Josh replies angrily. "We have had this discussion. Remember after I kicked all of your family members out of this study and said no to you." I sigh and shake my head, fighting my tears. I lose, and several tears make a quick decent. I stand up and move towards the large window that looks out to the garden. I pretend to look busy inspecting each rose and flower, even when I feel Josh's hands on my arms.
"You and Carrie are my life, and as a result of love it! I can't take a transplant from you. It would be too much of a risk to you and our daughter. One sick parent is more than enough." I know he is right, but it's so hard to accept. If it were successful then Carrie would have two healthy parents, but for how long?
"Then we need to make plans. I want us to have as much time together as possible with Carrie. Quality time." Josh agrees. We don't know how much time we will all have, but can be in control of how we spend it together.