Chapter XLI

26th November 1944

My dearest Marshall,

Today is one of those few days when I feel indisputably happy (although if you were here with me and I could kiss you, I know that this feeling would double in no time at all). It is because my brother Selwyn is finally happy himself: he's now in his room and he's writing poems… He's writing, Marshall! I will tell you how it's actually possible.

Today was my day off and Selwyn and I decided to spend it together by walking to Rainbow Valley and simply walk until our stomachs would start rumbling. We talked about ordinary things, nothing serious, until I saw his fingers twitch in a way I have seen him doing ever since he came back home. Something possessed me then, I think, but thank the Lord that it did! I stopped him, right underneath the White Lady and demanded (and you know I never do such a thing!) from him to tell me everything that he has been through at the front.

He stared at me blankly then, as if he was trying to figure out whether he was dreaming or not. All of a sudden then, he took my shoulders in his hands and smiled painfully at me as his eyes started to fill up with tears. Without a word, he embraced me tightly and he cried in my arms, as I did too whilst brushing his dark red hair, the same colour as Mum and Poppy's.

In that moment I was not only crying for Selwyn but also for you, my dearest Marshall, for Gilly, for poor, darling John (God bless his soul), for Will… For every boy I know fighting out there, on the unknown side of the world to me. I thought about all of you then, your own good friend Adam too. Just like you, Marshall, I will never forget Adam because if it wasn't for him and his sacrifice I would not be writing this letter to you tonight.

Selwyn then told me everything. He spoke in such a way that even though it hurt my soul terribly, it also made me fill up with joy after seeing my sensitive brother finally being sensitive again, being himself again. I'm not going to write to you in details what he has said to me because I think that you know well enough yourself, better than me even, what he told me. Marshall, we had a very similar conversation, remember that one afternoon when you told me everything back in April...? Was it only in April? It seems that I have known your soul much longer than I do…

After Selwyn told me the troubles of his spirit, cried out all the tears of regret, fear, anger and pain: we embraced again, without shaking this time. We stayed like this for probably longer than we both felt and we both had closed eyes. I can't remember at all what I was thinking of then, only that during this long embrace I was smiling joyfully.

We talked again, I was reassuring him that he's not a horrible person like he believes himself to be, or that he will go to Hell like he always felt he would ever since he enlisted. I recited to him one of Shakespeare's sonnets ( I can't even remember which one now! It's all so blurry yet clear to me at the same time…) to prove to him that love and beauty really still exist. It took me a very long while to persuade him in believing those things again but eventually I think I have succeeded, more than less that's for sure.

Then, something very extraordinary happened. Selwyn became silent, yet a shy old grin of his appeared on his lips as he looked up into my eyes. "I do know that love still exists." he said to me softly "This may be very out of the blue for you, however, I have known this for a very long time, too long I think." he then gave me the deciding gaze which even though he could only reinforce with his one eye I could still perceive it as the same gaze from the time when he could still see on both eyes "I love Vance." he revealed finally and I was stunned even though it was very much not "out of the blue" for me.

I don't even know when but I could feel tears starting to run down my cheeks like little rivers again. However, don't you worry Marshall, I was laughing at the same time! I started kissing Selwyn's cheeks and his forehead and he started to laugh through his own tears as well. We were quite a mess I must tell you. Then we calmed ourselves down and Selwyn turned serious again which made my heart stop beating for a few seconds.

He told me that he's afraid of telling her that and put her hopes up because he's a "crippled man" because of his lost sight in one eye and a hearing in one ear. I must confess to you Marshall that in that moment I didn't feel wistful anymore but only angry at him for even thinking those thoughts so I told him just that as well as that Vance has been in love with him for far too long to ever let her heart change the way it's beating, and I know that her heart is beating for Selwyn only.

"Are you sure?" he asked me and I could see his own certainty in his precious eyes and I nodded decidedly, how could I not be sure?

"Go and kiss her then, you fool." I said to him and I swear, Marshall, that I felt as if I was ten feet tall whilst saying this. Selwyn jumped with his flushed cheeks and started to run in the direction of the Rosefield House, although I know well that it was mostly his own heart telling him to do that rather than my words.

Now, I know that both you and I were waiting for Vance to be happy again, truly happy and Marshall, I can now assure you that your little sister is happy, after all those years of waiting and wondering about her feelings for Selwyn and his possible feelings for her, she is satisfied at last.

I watched Selwyn run in the direction of the Douglas' mansion, as you always call it, and something magical happened. I could hear a faint music building up in my head, a phenomenon I haven't had in years, almost ever since I finished composing "Hope and Our Rainbow Valley". I was so shocked that I couldn't move for a good few minutes. I simply listened and looked at the dance of the leaves on our lovely White Lady. My darling, I thought of you all the way and if I will ever compose this new magical sound that is stuck in my head still I will dedicate it to you because it is the sound of love.

Vance will write to you about what happened afterwards so I won't be spoiling it for you but she told me of what happened when Selwyn came into her room today. Selwyn was flushed, breathless and speechless. Therefore, without further ado, he kissed her on the lips and it shocked her to the very core. She said that "a wave of warmth and joy I never knew existed sprang through my veins" when right after that kiss Selwyn whispered into her ear that he loves her and that it's only her who has his heart in her palm.

They spent the whole afternoon talking then, in your very own garden and with the November wind in between the words they spoke. Of course, Selwyn and Vance came back to the House of Dreams to tell me that Selwyn did what he said he'd do and that now they can now truly and with no regrets hold each other's hands and they were indeed doing just that.

I hope that you are smiling just as widely as I am and as I was all day long. Your baby sister is a happy woman, even though she'd be happier if you were here too and so would I but some things can't be as perfect as we want them to be. I miss you, sweetheart. Every day, every night, every second in between. Parting is not a sweet sorrow, I don't agree with Shakespeare on that at all, it is quite a horrible kind of sorrow, for me at least, and as far as I know for you as well. I can feel that war will end soon, though, I never had this strong feeling before and I sincerely hope that my intuition is right because there are times, like right in this moment, when I can't bear the thought of you being so far away from me.

When I could see Vance so happy, Selwyn so happy, the two of them holding each other's hands I thought… God, please make my Marshall come back home so that I can hold his hand like that once more. But I am proud of you, dearest, immensely. I always will be. I want you to know that.

I shall be going off to bed. Please stay safe and happy, like you sister is now, for always.

I love you to the a degree unknown to mankind and I forever will.

Goodnight or good day (whichever best suits the time you're reading this letter), and everything in between to you, my heart.

Always Yours,

Hester

30th November 1944

Dearest friend,

The heavy rains over here in Italy are quite a trouble, I must tell you. Not only the trenches are even more horrible to "live" in (as if they weren't terrible already) but you can quite easily imagine, I think, that to fight in the wall of rain does not make it either safe or "great" at all. But this too shall pass, I suppose, or at least I hope it will because it is quite frankly a pain in the ass.

I wish your cousin Will's friends, Jeremy and Flynn the best of luck. Another two young boys to join this mess which day by day I think is more and more pointless and barbaric in every possible way. At least I can be sure that they got a very best farewell from their families that they could, folks of Glen St Mary are just this kind.

Hester, while I still remember, please could you thank darling Lily for sending me this precious handkerchief? It's so intricate that I still can't quite believe she made it herself (I do still remember her days of not being able to hold a needle properly!). I keep it in the pocket of my uniform, in the same pocket where I have a photograph of you, Hester.

Once upon a time, you asked me about true love and whether the "one" exists, at least if it does in my own opinion. I'm pretty sure you remember I wrote you that I don't really believe in this kind of thing, nor did I ever believe in fate, contrasting with your own thoughts on this topic. However, since some time… well… to be quite frank with you: since you and Marshall became so suddenly engaged, I did start to think about love more often than I initially wanted to.

I am completely lost whenever I think about. I don't know whether it's just that I'm involved in this mess of war or is it just that I know that you and I are never going to be romantically connected, ever. And, Hester, before you start worrying that you are a reason behind my unhappiness, please stop because it's completely wrong. I am glad that you are engaged to Marshall, of course, I am. You're very happy with him, anyone who knows you well enough can see (even through your writing) how much you love him and that he loves you this much in return. However, it is exactly because of that, because now I know and I am a witness of how a true love actually looks like that I start questioning myself what am I doing with my life? What will I do if I will survive those damned trenches?

I have absolutely no idea.

Don't start saying, Phillip, you'll find a girl. How do you know, Hester? I don't know that at all. I don't even know if I want to find myself a girl. I mean, I do, but I don't think any girl would like to have me as her man. You know yourself how I am; impatient, stubborn, ridiculous at times as well as too passionate. Sure, I will have a stable job once I'll finish off (if I finish off, of course, because let's be realistic - I am in the trenches right now) my Law degree but other than that I am a mess of a soul, you know yourself, dear friend that I am and I think that without you I would probably be in much more trouble with myself than I already am.

I hope that I will live up to my deepest dreams of having a girl, well, a woman by my side whom I can adore and who adores me. That's all I dream of, you know. Lots of boys down here have sweethearts, fiancees, wives, crushes… We talk about things like that all the time because it gives us hope. Them, I mean, it gives them hope. For me, it's almost a torture listening and even joining into conversations like these. But what can I do? I can't not listen. I can't not feel. Sometimes, I wish I couldn't do both.

God dammit, they are turning off the lights in a minute. I shall have to go then even though I don't want to stop my letter to you as I wanted to move on to something more cheerful. But, apparently, I'm in no luck of that today.

I wish you a very sunny (in all meanings of this word) day indeed, my friend.

I'll write to you soon.

Always yours,

Phillip (because today it is just Phillip)