Phipps' Report: The Phantomhive Way

Phipps was there...to observe how the Phantomhive Family works.

First he gave the mental run-down on what he knows of the employees in highest to lowest-rank.

The House Steward effectively retired from the front lines due to the Attack on the Phantomhives about four years ago due to an injury that limits his full fighting prowess. Now he's managing Ciel's many companies as the 'president' when in reality its Ciel who's the President. The Queen knew of Tanaka for years thus Grey and Phipps got plenty of info about him when they succeeded their predecessors in their jobs and younger than Queen Victoria by fifteen years. Due to his injury that affected his health to a degree, he mostly focuses on desk work.

Then Sebastian the Butler who accompanies Ciel everywhere. His bodyguard and one of the two Main Fighters. Sebastian is a highly-skilled fighter and according to Gray, messed with him back in their 'staged case' and commented he's a masochistic guy with high endurance since he DID stab himself when last Grey checked, he slashed him down! That didn't keep the Butler down Grey wondered what the hell is he made of. The man is...a mystery. Not even Ciel knows his background when he hired him but the boy could care less as ability and competency is what's important. The man is well-mannered, polite, and too...refined. He also has a smooth, pale complexion with good-looks to match they wondered if he's some nobleman who left his family for some reason and ended up a Butler...but no comment.

Snake, the newly-recruited Footman is still in training since he didn't have the dangerous air the other employees possessed. He was formerly a First-Tier Noah's Ark Circus member as the Snake Charmer who joined the Phantomhives to be with the girl he fell hard for, Linnea who recently discovered she has the same ability as he and its a lot more complicated than that. As a talented snake-user, he's effectively an Assassin using poisonous snakes.

Linnea, the prodigious intelligent and capable Head Maid making them wonder how on earth was she trained that at the same age as Ciel, she's just as deadly and capable as Sebastian, and knows French. Not even Ciel knows her background as she refuses to talk about it, all he and Sebastian knows by one look alone, is that she's abused and made a slave by her relatives and got fed up by running away. She is quite educated but her education is school-based and she said that rather than return with a higher score than her cousin's despite her dumbing her performance down already, she would get a beating but is it her fault that her cousin is naturally dumb and still scores zero in Math?

Nevermind Math, any form of outshining her cousin is warranted starvation and locked up...after a beating. Sebastian found her outside the manor's gates, filthy and full of bruises from whippings. Because at the time the manor was understaffed, she was hired as a maid and trained to be a 'proper family maid' after some time...and they discovered she's a genius who never got to shine until then. And she has no concept of love and family and anything related to those two words she is still under counseling, especially now that Snake is courting her for the future.

When she got healthier and cleaner, she's in fact a beautiful girl and it showed, and no girl her age among the royalty and aristocracy can compare to her in looks...and ability. Because she is Head Maid, her uniform is more professional befitting of her rank and wore her hair in an updo covered with a silk, formal maid cap with long ribbons. However, she and fellow maid Mei-Rin are All-Works Maids, doing absolutely everything to keep the manor clean and presentable, managing to clean this mansion all by themselves when normally, about at least eight people are needed in a house this size yet the young master doesn't do hiring 'the normal way', seeking those with talents to help him ease the Queen's worries. However unlike Mei-Rin, Linnea cooks and bakes.

Sebastian and Tanaka are equal in status. Below them is Snake followed by Linnea as upper-tier employees who work in the front lines.

The lower-tier is headed by Bard, the American Soldier and Ex-Sergeant who's talented in making 'war tactics'. However, when he was at war and on the losing end, he suggested an idea to his superior that might just help them win AND live, but his superior insisted on his own ideas that were really, really asking for it. As a result, Bard's platoon and his superior died with him the only survivor as he cut his losses to survive. He is trained by Linnea as Chef and functions as a Chef. He specializes in 'games', has knowledge of many war tactics and firearms, and he mainly directs Mei-Rin and Finny on what to do as protectors of the Manor.

Mei-Rin is adopted by a chinese criminal who exploited her extreme far-sightedness and trained her as a Sniper Assassin and mentality drilled into her that killing is all she was useful for. She never uses scopes and even uses handguns and still manage to hit her target where she wants it dozens of yards away. Linnea educated her about their human rights and women's rights as well as about her new job, and is quite happy as a maid that she was...clumsy at first, but got the hang of the job and more cheerful. She was also given the name 'Maylene' as a proper English name, and the girl was British to begin with!

Finny came from a German Laboratory wherein children are experimented on by scientists to create superhumans. Ciel and Sebastian found the laboratory and the scientists burned their research and killed their subjects which made the Queen suspicious of German activity and sent agents to sniff out more...indiscretions. Finny who is only two years older than his boss...is very strong, strong enough to punch through walls, throw trees, etc. Hence his job is gardener...he literally deals with pests. He likes his job as he gets to stay out and play with birds in contrast to being locked up all day.

That sums their current knowledge and he'll check how servants here do their routine.

And now, he is watching their daily routines.

As a Butler, he is used to waking up early. He woke at around 5:15, same time as Bard but...someone is far earlier than he!

The curtains and drapes are pulled open to start the day already, and the windows are...open?

He went to the kitchen to see Linnea making Coffee and Tea, making both at once and Snake checking the pantry and doing itinerary.

'Oh, you're early.' he said.

'Oh, Sebastian, Snake and I start our duties at 5 am and we wake up 20 minutes or so before that.' said Linnea. 'Bard will be here soon to cook breakfast for us, but Sebastian already made his own, and the young master's meals. Its his job to personally make breakfast for him every morning, but lunch and dinner is Bard's job.'

'Oh...'

'Linnea, the bread pantry will only cover four more days.' Snake retorted.

'Really? Oh my, I'll get baking soon then.'

'Er, Bard won't bake?' Phipps asked.

'Er, If I bake,' Bard said from behind sleepily, followed by Maylene and Finny. 'They somehow become as hard as rocks and we don't know why and we've long given up on it. I follow the recipe but I'm fine with other food...so Linnea bakes anything bread-related.'

'There's your answer.' Linnea smiled. 'Bard, what's for breakfast?'

'Well, something light!' Bard grinned as Sebastian arrived.

'Good morning.' he greeted as behind him was Tanaka.

'Good morning Mr. Sebastian!' the other servants greeted with a bow.

'Linnea, Maylene, the laundry and you'll go to the market afterward before your usual duties.' said Sebastian. 'We are running out of some vegetables and the young master wants seafood for a week starting tomorrow so Bard, plan an appropriate menu before the girls go out.' he instructed. 'Finny, rake and trim the lawn, but be mindful of our other guards. Then trim the trees.' he reminded Finny. 'Snake, take care of the silver and chinaware before your usual duties. And Tanaka can just drink tea.'

This got Phipps baffled and puzzled.

'Master Phipps, what will you be doing?' Sebastian inquired. 'We have no idea what you usually do.'

'Well, as a Butler, I'll also be doing what you're doing.' said Phipps. 'So I'll be with you and Earl Phantomhive for quite a while so your schedule is my schedule but as I am also a Secretary, I shall function the same to Earl Phantomhive during my stay as ordered.' he said. 'However, I have no idea you wake minutes before 5 am so I shall adjust tomorrow.'

'Very well.' said Sebastian. Phipps is not just 'some secretary', he is one of the Queen's Private Secretarial Officers. His, Grey's and Brown's jobs is to be the principal channel of communication between the monarch and the governments in each of the Commonwealth realms. They also have responsibility for the official programme and correspondence of the Sovereign and has direct control over the Press Office, the Queen's Archives, and the office of the Defence Services Secretary. Through these roles the position wields considerable influence. So yes, they wield considerable power.

'Anything else of concern everyone?'

'We're running out of polish for the floors and stairs as well as shoes, and we need new rags and brushes for everything so some additional shopping money would be good.' Linnea piped up. 'Oh, and the bread knife is getting dull so please take care of it.'

'Very well. After breakfast you'll get the money from me.' said Sebastian as he left them to lounge about in the Servants' Lounge that also doubles as their dining area.

Maylene and Finny get in an animated conversation, Snake helps Linnea do her baking duty in a romantic atmosphere, Tanaka drinks his tea and Bard gets cooking while singing...off-key.

What he does, is observe while taking notes.

xxx

'So Phipps intends to be my secretary during his true job, eh?' Ciel raised an eyebrow. 'That should be interesting...let's make full use of him, shall we?' he said with a playful smile.

'Hooo? Let's hope this does not bite you in the rear later young master.' said Sebastian. 'He is still of higher-ranking than you after all.'

'Hmph, well, for now the Queen ordered him to be a temporary Phantomhive while overseeing Linnea's experiments.' said Ciel. 'There will be no idle man in this house.'

xxx

Breakfast was Coffee, Croissants, Vegetable Soup with mushrooms and chopped root vegetables, Eggs Benedict and sliced fruits.

Phipps found this a rather unusual change because breakfast in the castle is much more grand, but then again, he has no idea what actual Servants eat so this is a new experience.

After breakfast, everyone else left, leaving the messy table going in different directions.

'Er...don't maids usually wash these?' Phipps asked Bard, looking at the used-up plates, cups and dining ware on the table. As the Phantomhives have All-Works Maids, he thought they'd be doing this too. All households have Scullery Maids so jobs in the kitchen, they do, right?

'Nope, that's my job.' said Bard with a shrug. 'I dunno how other households work in this country, but in here, its different sir.' he said, collecting the used-up dishes. 'The kitchen is mine to maintain, clean and take care of, while the girls take care of the whole house. We all have our set territories.'

'I-I see...' Phipps then left to encounter Snake opening the cabinet where the silverware are. Armed with a clean linen cloth and a bucket of hot water, he's about to polish silver.

He went to Ciel's Office.

And so...

'How's your first morning in this mansion, Earl Phipps?' Ciel asked Phipps as he sat down on a chair.

'Its...different to say the least.' said Phipps. 'Back at the palace, everything was strictly formal but here...' he found the kitchen atmosphere an unusual but welcome change, since its not as how he knows it should be.

'Oh, we encourage our Servants to 'be themselves' on their front jobs because our true jobs is quite dark.' said Ciel with a huff of air. 'It keeps their morale up.' he said. 'We only bother to maintain proper decorum when we have formality to worry about.' he explained.

'I see...'

'Well, in this house as you're my temporary butler for now, same rules apply to you.' said Sebastian. 'Once work is done, you're free to do as you wish on your free time as long as you still keep a look out for strays that shouldn't be here.' he said. 'And do not wander beyond the front and backyards. Beyond that is the territory of the poisonous snakes who are ordered to bite anyone they do not recognize. Only Finny whose job is pest-control can go in and out unharmed but for us to be there, we need Snake.'

'I'll take note of that but incase of an accident with drunken guests, don't you have antivenoms?'

'We do, but since we're not stupid, we hardly have to use them.' said Ciel airily. 'There are to be consequences for broken rules after all and that's pretty much our job description.'

'...what about the part 'Tanaka can just drink tea'?'

'Ah, he's the second-busiest, and at his condition, he has to relax as much as possible.' said Sebastian. 'So whenever possible, he'll just 'drink tea'.'

'Oh, he's your itinerary.' Sebastian gave him a list to do.

xxx

Phipps did his assigned tasks well for the day as after the maids came back from the market with their wagon...but they came back with blood specks on their skirts.

'Whoa, what happened to you girls?!' Bard whistled, not really worried at all.

'Oh, bandits.' said Linnea flatly and as utterly uncaring as possible, speaking as if something boring happened was what Phipps thought, as the girls clearly could care less about the blood on their clothes.

'Bandits?'

'Yup. I'll have to tell the young master after I replace my apron...' said Linnea as the girls took off their aprons and gave it to Maylene. 'Maylene, chuck our aprons to the laundry straightaway. You know how to wash the blood off by now. And wear your clean spare one because after this, we'll clean the first floor.' she told her. 'So after you deal with that, get our cleaning things.'

'Yes!'

xxx

Ciel's Office...

'Bandits in my domain eh? They sure got some nerve or they're suicidal stupid to attack you two of all people.' Ciel smiled nastily and Phipps could never imagine a teenager can smile like that. 'Bard, Maylene and Finny will go out after lunch. You and Snake stay to give them more experience. You will deal with their jobs in the meantime.' he said. 'You and Snake will be overtiming and overloading.'

'Yes sir.' Linnea bowed before leaving.

'Looks like you won't get to observe her making soap for a while since my Domain is pretty big and putting down rabid dogs will take a while.' Ciel told Phipps. 'Might you not extend your stay?'

'Looks like I'll have to.' said Phipps wryly. 'And putting down bandits is a tad much, don't you think? Won't you put them in the pound instead?'

'And be free to terrorize and pillage my tenants again after a couple years? Not a chance, thanks.' Ciel stated apathetically. 'There are those I can be lenient with and there are those I can't be lenient with.'

xxx

'Wow, we got a job that big?!' Bard exclaimed over lunch as lunch was Coffee and...Oyakodon.

'Yes.' said Linnea. 'Young master wants you guys to clean house while we take care of things here.' she said. 'Leave no one alive.' she said with a dark smile as the servants wore dark expressions that promised death on their wake.

'Yes ma'am!'

Phipps really worried now.

If children can make such faces like Ciel and Linnea could, he really wondered about their upbringing as Aristocrats of Evil.

Normally in the Phantomhive Family, such thing is only told to their children after graduating from Weston College in the case of sons and in the case of daughters, after their tutoring. They'd normally have normal childhoods but considering the attack on the Phantomhives, the last Phantomhive learned to be evil so early in life, wading already in the black pits of darkness stained with blood, and their eyes saw nothing but darkness.

He has every right to be worried but they are frighteningly capable, knowing full well how to use and manipulate that darkness.

And so, he sent a letter home about the extension of his stay and how his first day went.

xxx

The Palace...

John was reading Phipps' letter to Victoria and Grey in their shared office.

To my liege, Her Majesty Victoria,

I hope everyone is doing well while I'm out
and I hope John and Grey are doing my part
of our workload while I am here to observe
the Phantomhives while of course, being their
'temporary employee'.

My first day went on like this:

Apparently, Sebastian, Tanaka, Snake and Linnea
wake up before 5 am to get ready and suit up for
the day. When I was up at our usual schedule, the
curtains and drapes are already pulled open, the
windows open to let the air in and Linnea making
Coffee for everybody. Bard woke up the same time
I did with Maylene and Finny. As a temporary butler
of the Phantomhives, I will have to get used to
waking up earlier than that.

Breakfast was a fancy-looking vegetable soup with
diced root vegetables, Croissants, Eggs Benedict;
an american breakfast dish for the rich, and sliced
fruit for dessert. What do household servants usually
eat? This seems like luxury fare for their rank already.
The food was too fancy for servants yet they get to
eat such foods! Luxurious, also delicious.

Bard revealed to be unable to bake to save his life,
so its Linnea who usually bakes bread accompaniments
for breakfast, and any dessert that uses flour. He can
cook other things though, and his cooking or should I
say Linnea's cooking is fantastic since he did learn from
her, being his tutor. However after that, I also learned
that its Bard who cleans the kitchen and washes the
Dishes and Cookware...don't Scullery Maids usually do
that?

And Linnea and Maylene are All-Works.

Bard says they are given specific divisions that reflect
their front-and-back jobs. He also has no idea how rich
British rules regarding housekeeping staff and their
duties work but he didn't bother knowing anyway as
Earl Phamtomhive doesn't bother about implementing
what we have known for ages, preferring a casual and
comfortable way of doing things. The girls do the whole
house, Finny takes care of the front and back yards and
Snake has his...deadly snakes take care of the woods
surrounding the estate.

They have antivenom but Earl Phantomhive says they
won't 'waste it on idiots'. Its only reserved for family
and guests.

Not only that, when on duty, they are all allowed to do
as they please to keep morale high. Bard sings off-key
while working and smoking, Maylene and Finny chat
about latest gossip, and Linnea and Snake are openly
flirting in their courting and everyone else looks away
and pretend they don't see it since they're way into it!
Then to top it off, as long as they finish their duties,
they can do whatever on their free time! Not only that,
the relationship between Master and Servant aren't
formal-professional, its casual-professional. He talks
to them as if they're friends doing him favors, not an
employer telling his employees to do their jobs.

When Linnea reported bandits, she talked as if playfully
whining and complaining about the bandits, and quoted,
'-so we just blew up their heads with our guns since using
my swords just won't cut it since they also have guns.
Sucks for them we're faster!' and asked what to do.

Bard, Maylene and Finny are ordered to 'leave no
one alive'. Earl Phantomhive refuses to put them in
jail 'to be free years later to terrorize his tenants
again' so he's not merciful even though I suggested
sending them to jail. Well, Linnea and Snake have
lots of jobs now while the others are out, overtiming
and overloading. I would thus like to ask that my
stay here be extended as Linnea will not have time
to do her Soap Project under my observation.

For now, I have to get used to the Phantomhive Way
of life. Once I return, I will have to see how our Country's
servants usually work and behave. They're carefree and
easy-going, even goofing around but the performance
is exemplary in cleaning standards. Even with just two
of them, they still make the floor gleam from shine.

Since there's no expected guests, Snake is out of his
Footman uniform to help her clean the mansion and
the gardening. Not that they mind as its simply more
excuse for them to spend time together while working
while being...lovey-dovey. But how on earth did a 19
years old man and a 14 years old girl's relationship work?
Normally in society, both parties will blanch at the age gap,
but they somehow made it work. Or maybe its their very
unusual mentality that made this possible? They're still
undergoing counseling from Tanaka, given their pasts.

I will keep writing weekly reports as I feel the Phantomhive
Manor is a new world entirely and a new...culture on their
own, to say the least. I shall observe them more. They have
their own way of behaving and doing things and I feel this
report is just the beginning. If only Grey didn't annoy the
maid, he'll surely enjoy his stay here. She's a really good
cook her cooking is probably better than Chef Higharm's if
given the opportunity to go all out...I think I'll ask her to.
Even if I am a 'temporary employee', I am still an Earl
therefore she'll defer to me and heed my requests to
test this out and see who's a better baker between us.
I've never had her level of Croissant before so I feel the
need to challenge her to see who's better. I shall send
my second letter this sunday and after that, I will begin
weekly reports.

-Phipps

'My my, looks like my little boy has another side to him even I didn't know about.' Victoria smiled.

'What do we do about this report, your majesty?' John asked his Queen while Grey was pouting.

'Well, let's hear more from Phipps this sunday.' said Victoria. 'I know that I gave Earl Phantomhive the opportunity to do his tasks his way, but I never knew exactly how, as he is too formal but straight-to-the-point and matter-of-factly in his reports.' she said. 'I wonder how things go there myself.'