AN: This is, of course, related directly to chapters 39 and 41, namely that it's Heiji's POV! This will be the final thing I'll write on this topic, and as a whole, I'll be ending The Beika Periodicals after this. While I won't stop writing oneshots, far from it, I'll just be posting them on their own now! Y'all might have already seen me do some of that as it is already, so that's just how things are going to be moving forward!
Hopefully everyone's okay with that, and I'll see you in the future!
Fragments
Summary: If only it were as easy to gather them back together as it was to gather the remains of shattered glass.
While the sound of his alarm clock itself might not have been familiar to him, the annoying feeling at being roused from sleep by it was. Groaning a little, he cracked open one eye, trying to figure out where the damn thing actually was. Thankfully, what he failed to remember himself, some part of him did seem to remember by instinct- and before long, he found his hand pressing the right button to silence the sound of the alarm.
Letting out a loud yawn, he pushed himself up, pulling off his covers, and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Casting a glance down towards the alarm clock, he blinked, letting out another yawn. So he was the type who set it for six in the morning, apparently. While he had been in the hospital, any normal pattern of sleep that he might have had had been disrupted, so he was only just now getting to know such things about himself.
It wasn't as if he had any memory of himself, after all.
Well, amnesia was no excuse to sulk around in bed all day, so after rubbing the stray traces of sleep from his eyes, he got to his feet. First things first, he needed to use the bathroom- which was... crap, which way was it again?
The woman who had introduced herself to him as his mother had given him a grand tour of the place yesterday, but it was so big, that it was a bit hard to remember where everything was. Racking his brain, he vaguely seemed to recall where it was- and the kitchen too, while he was at it.
Ah, crap. Did they eat breakfast in the kitchen? The living room? He hadn't even thought to ask which at the time, and quite predictably, nobody had realized the need to tell him. Well, it would probably be fine, he guessed, a hand straying up to the back of his neck, giving it an idle rub as he frowned. No sense worrying about something as minor as that.
He had a lot bigger things to worry about than where to find breakfast.
Thankfully, the bathroom was more or less where he remembered it. He'd gotten the wrong door at first, instead opening up a supply closet. In hindsight, it should have been obvious that it was the wrong door, but well... he had just woken up, after all. While he'd noticed the way that he appeared to be rather attentive to such small details, it couldn't be helped that his brain wasn't quite working at full thrust just yet.
"Still, no matter how many times I look at it..." Rubbing the back of his neck again, he let out a long sigh. It was eerie, really- to be able to look at one's own face, yet feel no spark of recognition for it. He supposed the feeling would pass in time, but until then, it always managed to give him the shivers.
In a way, it almost made him feel as if he were a person that didn't exist.
That probably wasn't true, he knew that. There was no reason for so many people to try and pretend he was someone he wasn't. And it wasn't like he didn't have any memories- even the doctors had said that his general knowledge was just fine, and that he should have no issues with living a normal life in regards to that. He knew things- just not exactly how he knew them.
Some of the things he knew... well, they were a little distressing, but he had decided to not worry about them just yet. One thing at a time. And right now, his current thing was getting used to his own face and his own name.
Hattori Heiji.
It sounded like the name of a stranger, but so did the names of his parents, and that of his own childhood friend. He felt bad about it, really- if anything, he felt worse about forgetting them than he did about forgetting himself. He didn't have to be observant to notice that he was causing people pain- but there was nothing he could do about it.
Names and faces he could memorize, but it wasn't as if he could bring up any of the memories tied to them. They would return gradually, on their own time, he had been told, and he was sure that was true.
But until then, he just had to put up with the strong sense of unease that came with existing as someone whose memory only extended back three weeks. He'd manage- if there was one thing that he quickly came to understand about himself, it was that he wasn't too much the type to dwell on such things.
Besides, given how everyone- or almost everyone, the man who had been introduced to him as his father being something of the exception- was tiptoeing around him in regards to the issue, the last thing he wanted to do was give them more trouble than he already was. Honestly, what kind of guy had he been before, doing things that caused everyone to worry about him?
Judging from the scar on his stomach, he was pretty sure this was hardly the first time, either.
Hattori Heiji, he came to learn, was something of a strange person.
It was a weird thing to say about himself, but he still couldn't help but feel a bit of distance between his current self, with no memories, and his past self. Though he'd gotten used to his name and his face, there was still a disconnect present- one that he imagined might not go away until he actually began to properly remember things.
He'd had snippets, flashes, here and there- nothing really too big or noteworthy. More like tiny fragments of memory, rather than anything that he could clearly call as such. Enough to somewhat shake the feeling of being fake that had hung over him, if not enough to banish it completely just yet. At the same time, he was learning things as well- about himself, and about those around him.
The most shocking, at first, had been discovering that his father held the position that he did. Kazuha had only told him that he worked for the police, but hadn't given him any further specifics. It probably hadn't occurred to her to do so- after all, there were so many things that were natural for her to remember that he simply didn't know, it was inevitable that she would miss a few things here and there.
She had her hands full as it was already, so he was hardly going to complain about it.
Still, he would have appreciated a little bit more warning, if only so he could have avoided choking on his rice when he saw his father on the television, taking part in some kind of press conference. Police officer, Kazuha had told him- well, she'd kind of failed to mention that he was basically the highest ranking officer in the entire prefecture. No wonder all of the other officers that he'd met seemed to defer to his father.
With a father like that, no wonder he had an interest in that sort of thing- cases, that was. Granted, he was still trying to wrap his head around the whole high school detective thing, but considering what the other options could have been to explain some of his... rather unique bits of knowledge, he wasn't really going to complain. Kazuha had even showed him some past interviews that he had given- to which he almost wished that she hadn't.
She seemed to take great amusement in it, seeing him fluster over something particularity embarrassing that he had apparently said in the past. Honestly, what kind of guy had he been, to say things like that with such ease?
His father though... he really couldn't understand the guy. He wondered if it had always been like this, or if perhaps he'd simply lost the ability to understand him with his memories. His mother, on the other hand, he could understand- all he had needed to do was to stumble upon her large collection of videos growing up to know exactly what kind of parent she was. A doting mother indeed.
He could have watched them, those videos. But it felt almost as if he would be watching a stranger's life unfold before him, and the notion had seemed so voyeuristic, that he had decided against it. Even looking at photographs, or seeing articles from before increased the sense of disconnect that he had, and frankly, he thought it was in his best interest to avoid such things.
While it was possible that watching them might very well help him regain his memories, it was only just a chance. The thought that it might do nothing for him was too uncomfortable, that he decided to err on the side of caution.
Still though... he couldn't really ask for a better set of people around him. They were all understanding, to the point where it almost made him a bit uneasy. It was silly, really- but the thought that maybe he was being lied to would probably never fully go away, not until he started to remember. He'd never tell them about it, though- they were already struggling enough, in their own ways, and didn't need to hear something so insensitive.
Honestly... what a pain in the ass amnesia was. Zero out of ten, would not recommend.
"Hey, Heiji, ya wanna go up ta Tokyo this weekend?"
"Eh? Tokyo?" Heiji blinked, more than a little surprised by the sudden question. "Sure, I don't have a problem with it, but what's in Tokyo, Kazuha-san?"
He really had to work on the way he was addressing her. Judging from the way she flinched every time he tacked the honorific onto her name, and from the way she called his name so casually, it was obvious he was calling her the wrong way. Still, that was easier said than done- from his point of view, he'd only known her for around a month. To call someone that he had just basically met so freely, so quickly... it didn't seem right.
She didn't complain about it though, even though it always looked as if it were bubbling underneath the surface.
"Ran-chan an' Conan-kun are! Not ta mention that uncle from the detective agency!" Kazuha told him, the smile on her face only feeling a little forced. "Ya know, that famous Sleepin' Kogoro! Maybe if we're lucky, we'll even run into Kudo-kun!"
"Though, I kind of doubt the last one." Kazuha quickly followed up. "That guy's almost never around."
"Kudo-kun?" Heiji blinked, before a look of understanding crossed his face. "Ah, that guy ya told me about before, right? The one who is supposed ta be my rival, or somethin' like that."
"That's right." Kazuha said, letting out a long sigh. "But ta think that guy hasn't called ya even once... I know Ran-chan told him about yer memories, so he has no excuse fer not doin' it!"
"Maybe he's busy?" Heiji offered, tilting his head slightly. For some reason, the idea of this Kudo Shinichi person never being around didn't quite sit right with him, but he couldn't quite place why. "More importantly, ya say the weekend, but that's tomorrow, Kazuha. Are ya sure Ran-san's gonna be okay if we come so suddenly?"
"It's okay, it's okay! I called ahead this morning!" Kazuha told him. "Unlike some people, I actually try an' do things like that."
"Some people?" Heiji blinked, for a moment, not understanding what she was trying to get at. It only took watching the expression on her face shift for it to dawn on him, and at that, he could only blink more. "Ya mean me? Somehow, I don't sound like a very considerate guy..."
"More like yer just forgetful. An' well, yeah, a little bit inconsiderate at times. But we all have our faults." Kazuha told him, something of a strained smile on her face. It was kind of awkward, talking to him about things like this. Though the core of his personality really hadn't changed any, it was the little things about him that seemed so... well, different now.
Not entirely in a bad way, mind. It wasn't as if she were suddenly speaking with some stranger, now. Even with no memories, Heiji really was still Heiji.
After all, what other idiot would go racing up a flight of stairs to the roof as an almost instinctive reaction to seeing a man hit the ground in front of him? After checking to make sure he was actually dead, of course.
"I'd say I'd try an' be better about bein' forgetful, but well..." Trailing off a little, the smile that he cracked was a genuine one, the very one that she had ended up falling in love with. "Think I'm actually doin' worse with that lately."
"Oh, really?" Arching her brows, though she fought, she couldn't keep the smile off of her face. It wasn't fair, making a joke like that! "I hadn't noticed."
The kid was avoiding him.
Of that, he had no doubt. It kind of stung, really- to see someone that he had been told that he was close to almost going out of his way to not speak with him. It was also rather confusing- considering the kid was the one who always called him, and quite often at that, why was he suddenly avoiding him now?
Still, the kid really did look like him- that Kudo Shinichi person. He had gotten a vague impression that he did when he'd first heard the name, but once he had actually gotten to see a picture of the guy from an older article, he had become quite certain of it. Really, he was surprised to learn that they weren't actually brothers.
It... certainly wasn't doing him any favors, not when it came to the strange link between the two that he'd formed in his head. Or rather, it almost felt as if it had always been there. Which, quite frankly, made very little sense.
But then again, a lot of things about Edogawa Conan made very little sense.
Starting with the fact that his little Detective Boys group actually solved real murder cases. When he had first heard about them, he thought they worked to find missing pets or lost items, normal first grader stuff. But no- according to Ran, apparently they had helped to solve their fair share of real cases, and were regular faces at the Tokyo Metropolitan Police headquarters.
And at the core of the cases, there was always Edogawa Conan.
Edogawa Conan, who didn't even flinch when they found a body. Edogawa Conan, who barked out orders to the other Detective Boys, as if it were natural, as if it were something almost rote. Edogawa Conan, who narrowed his eyes as he checked to confirm that the man they had found was really dead, an expression that seemed so out of place on the face of a child.
Edogawa Conan, who for a brief moment, almost looked as if he were about to call himself something else, the moment he'd entered his line of vision.
If he hadn't seen it himself, he almost wouldn't believe it. But it was true- behind those big eyes and round glasses, there was a sharp intellect, one that almost didn't seem as if it belonged to a first grader. Or even an elementary school student, for that matter. That level of reasoning... it was beyond that.
Though he tried to mask it whenever he caught Heiji looking at him, he'd slipped up enough times for him to take notice of it. The kid acted childish when pointing something out, but he didn't miss the way that he was leading the police to the right conclusion. Hell, it almost felt as if he didn't even need to be here- and in a way, he kind of wished he wasn't.
Honestly, what were the odds that police officers from Tokyo knew him?
And for some reason... he almost felt kind of lonely. Not because he was surrounded by people who knew him, when he couldn't return the favor, but rather... he couldn't explain it, really. It was almost as if something was missing. He could read it in Conan's eyes, every time he caught Heiji looking his way, read it in his voice, every time he hurriedly switched his manner of speaking to something more childish.
Was it possible this kid was hiding some kind of secret?
A secret that he had, perhaps, once knew. But if that was true, and they really were friends, why was he leaving him in the dark this time? Was it something he just wanted him to remember on his own? Was the reason he was avoiding him because he was upset that he had forgotten whatever this secret was?
Or maybe, this was a secret that he needed to remember on his own. But what the hell kind of secret could it be, especially when this was a first grader he was talking about? It wasn't as if he were actually some kind of miniature clone of that Kudo Shinichi guy!
...Or was he?
If he wanted to be romantic, he could try and claim that his first thought upon seeing Toyama Kazuha was to think about how beautiful she was. But that, sadly, would be a lie- and as he had come to find, he was a rather honest type.
It would be lying to claim that it hadn't crossed his mind at some point, though. Because she was, in fact, beautiful. But even more than that, she was cheerful, bright, and had a fire in her that refused to be doused by anything. She was strong- the first time he saw her incapacitate a man twice her size, he was pretty sure he had felt his heart skip a few beats in his chest.
It took him a long time to understand what that actually meant. After all, she had only been introduced to him as his childhood friend. They had grown up together, so of course they had been rather close- and even now, she seemed determined to not let the closeness they once had between them fade. That was her other strength- to stand tall in the face of adversity, in a way that well, also kind of made his heart skip a few beats.
Even though he hated being the one to put her through it.
He kind of wished that he could claim that he'd always known that he was in love with her. But that, again, would be a lie. It wasn't until she had blurted it out, that he had even forgotten the confession that he had made to her on that day, that he was able to finally put two and two together, feeling like a fool all the while.
He was in love with her. Memories or no memories, that, apparently, wasn't something that had changed all that much. Whether it was because of lingering feelings that were too powerful to fade, even though he didn't understand the reason as to why such feelings had been formed in the first place, or because he had fallen in love with her all over again, he didn't know. He supposed it didn't really matter, either.
The first time he had called her Kazuha on purpose, and saw the way her eyes glittered... he couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't tired it sooner. They were, after all, childhood friends. That they would call each other so casually shouldn't come as a surprise- and yet, it was only by mistake that he had done it in the first place.
A great one, he decided later. He'd thought it would have been unnatural, to call her as such when he still barely knew her. But even though he didn't remember, it would seem some part of him did- and calling her just by her first name felt as natural as breathing.
And well... he supposed they were, sort of, in a sense, dating now. It was a bit weird- they'd never quite made it official, not really. They never quite told anyone about it- but it wasn't as if it were any kind of secret.
It was only just a thing that was.
Well, even though they hadn't told anyone, people seemed to realize. It was a bit embarrassing, really- and a bit bothersome, as well. It wasn't anything that had to do with Kazuha, not the bothersome part- but rather, it was the way that people so naturally assumed that this meant that he had regained his memories.
He hadn't- though he had promised Kazuha that he would strive towards it. And while sometimes he felt almost on the verge of remembering things, he would seriously prefer it if people didn't assume for him that he actually really did remember now. That he was, for some infernal reason, now choosing to fake it.
Alright, so only one or two people seemed to think that, and he got the impression that they didn't think much of him to begin with anyways, but... it was still annoying.
If there was one thing that he regretted, it was that he might never actually remember the confession that he had given her on that day. It might be lost to him forever, judging from what the doctor's had told him- and that somehow didn't sit right with him. One of these days, when he remembered a little better, he would give it another try.
It was kind of weird to think about confessing to someone you were already dating, but well... she deserved a confession that they both remembered. Or perhaps he was really only doing this for himself- but regardless of the reasons, he had already decided that he was going to make up for it one day.
One day... but not just yet. Because if there was one thing that realizing that he was in love with her had done, it was make him want to remember the times that they had spent together even more.
His precious, precious childhood friend.
Hattori Heiji was, without a doubt, a strange person.
The first, real, solid memory that he recalled was perhaps clue enough to that. While it was only natural that any child with any interest in getting involved in law enforcement might play cops and robbers, and while that child might be tempted to use the handcuffs that he had just found in the game... what kind of child just kind of accepted the idea that he was now just going to be handcuffed to his best friend for the rest of his life?
Because that was sure how he had remembered it.
Touching the fragment of chain that he had found within the charm that had always hung off his cellphone had been what triggered it. For a moment, he didn't quite understand what had happened, finding himself trying to sort through his thoughts once more. It took him even longer for him to realize that this was a memory- his own memory.
And as happy as he was to have a real, concrete memory return to him... really? Really?
It was the first of many- as well as the start of a new problem. However much they resembled one another, one would think that the several extra feet in height would have helped him differentiate between Kudo Shinichi and Edogawa Conan within his gradually returning memories, but apparently, that was not the case.
The first time he had been under the impression that he had finally remembered something about that Edogawa Conan kid, he'd gone to tell Kazuha all about, a bright smile on his face. After all, she had been there too, from what he could faintly remember. But when he had told her about it, she'd merely squinted at him, giving him a strange look- and for a moment, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd made the memory up.
"That happened with Kudo-kun, Heiji, not Conan-kun."
If it had just been once, he would have been able to brush it off with a laugh, which he had a time. But it kept happening- things that had happened with this Kudo guy, he recalled as having happened with Conan, and things that had happened with Conan, he recalled as happening with Kudo. Needless to say, it was seriously confusing.
Even after the Kudo guy himself had finally called, only to laugh it off himself, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something going on here.
Maybe Hattori Heiji wasn't the only strange one here. Actually, he was already pretty sure of that- because two of the memories that had been confirmed for him as happening with Kudo Shinichi both involved him in some kind of costume- a knight, and some kind of weird, white haired forest spirit.
And at the very least, he'd never done anything like that.
Or at least, that's what he thought, right until he vaguely remembered having dressed up as the guy for some kind of weird monster Halloween party. He was... definitely missing some context there, but there was no doubting that something like that had actually happened. That Suzuki girl had been more than happy to tell him that... before admitting that no, she didn't quite know the reason herself.
"You said something about feeling lonely without Shinichi-kun around, if I recall. Still, I have to say, considering how your first time doing it indeed up, the second time was really amazing!"
"...second time?"
When it hit him, it hit him like a pile of bricks.
Of course he was having trouble sorting out his memories of Kudo Shinichi and Edogawa Conan. Considering they were the same person, it was only natural. He didn't so much know what caused the memory in question to surface, and for a moment, quite honestly, he couldn't believe it.
Granted, that had been one of his running theories, alongside many others, but he'd made most of them half in jest. After all, who ever heard of someone just turning into a child like this? Though the fragment of memory that he had just recalled was enough to cement the theory in his mind that they were the same person, they sadly came without any context as to how such a thing might have happened.
"Heiji? Ya okay?"
He must have quite the dumbfounded expression on his face, he thought, blinking a little and quickly flashing Kazuha a smile. "Y-yeah, I am. No worries, Kazuha."
"Did ya remember somethin'?" Kazuha asked, tilting her head. "Ya have that same expression ya always do when ya do."
"Yeah, somethin' like that." Heiji told her, fighting to keep the smile on his face. There was no way that he could tell Kazuha about something like this, not judging from the fact that it seemed as if she didn't know herself. Not even Ran seemed to know- unless they actually knew, and had simply agreed to leave him in the dark, not thinking that he'd believe them.
But if that was the case, the whole lot of them would have to have amazing acting talent- and he didn't think that was the case. More than likely, Kazuha and Ran didn't know.
But he did. Or well, he once had. And did now again? To be honest, he still wasn't certain if he should trust this memory, but so far, nothing he had remembered had proven to be wrong, no matter how strange it had seemed to him at the time. Like, for example, that one time he had knocked a man unconscious and stripped his clothes- at least the context for that one had made sense once he had been told it.
"Ya gonna tell me what it's about?" Kazuha asked, a slight frown crossing her face. She knew that bewildered expression of his- or had come to know it well. Not that she could blame him, really- to be frank, he had done any number of things in the past that would make for some very strange memories.
She still couldn't believe the first thing he remembered about her was the time that they had been handcuffed together. As much as she might brag about the fact that they had once been connected by chains of iron, in a way... it was kind of embarrassing.
"It was just about some kinda package tour I took before." Heiji told her. "Somethin' about Holmes, or somethin' like that. But that's weird... I don't think I really even like those books all that much."
"That's cause ya don't." Kazuha remarked, shaking her head. "Ya went cause of Kudo. Accordin' ta Ran-chan, he's a big Holmes fan. Apparently ya said somethin' about wantin' ta find him, or somethin' like that."
"...why did I think he'd be there?" Heiji could ask, quirking a brow. "I mean, he might like 'em, but that's not reason ta..." Scratching his head, he let out a long sigh, giving her something of a small smile. "Actually, ya know what? I don't wanna know. I'm not sure I'd understand my own reasons anyways."
"Finally, there's two of us." Kazuha merely quipped, giving him a smile. "But it seemed like it worked, cause when ya came back, all ya could talk about was Kudo this, Kudo that. Honestly, it was ta the point that I-"
Cutting herself short then, there was a bright red tint to her cheeks that Heiji recognized, and couldn't help but be curious about. Whatever she was speaking of, it wasn't something that he had cause to remember just yet, apparently. "That ya what, Kazuha?"
"It's nothin'!" Turning away from him, Kazuha's brows furrowed together. If it was just her being jealous about this Kudo person, it was fine, but she didn't want to speak about the time that she had regarded Ran as being someone who wanted to take Heiji away from her. "If ya don't remember, ya don't need ta!"
Pausing for a moment, Heiji tilted his head. At first, he had just taken her expression for being one of embarrassment, but there seemed to be something more to it as well- something more negative. If that was the case, then...
"Then, it's fine, Kazuha." Flashing her a broad grin, Heiji brushed the topic aside. "If ya don't wanna talk about it, ya don't have ta. It's just... it's not cause I did somethin' weird again, is it?"
"Heiji, if ya'd done somethin' weird, I would have told ya all about it in a hurry." Kazuha told him, a smile returning to her face, grateful for the change of subject. "Havin' common sense is a new thing fer ya."
"Judgin' from what I remember, I'm inclined ta believe ya." Heiji admitted, a hand straying to the back of his neck. "But did I really meet Kudo-han there?"
If that was the case, then... maybe what he remembered was actually true.
"Yeah, ya did. At least, I think ya did." Kazuha said, nodding her head. "Ya seemed ta act like ya'd become good buddies with him back then, or somethin' like that. Ya must really like the guy, considerin' that ya tried ta dress up like him that one time at Ran-chan's play."
"Can we please forget that ever happened?"
"No way~!"
"Um, is there something you need me for, Heiji-niichan?"
It was amazing, really. When he acted like this, one never would have suspected that he was anything more than a normal child. For a moment, it was almost enough to fool him- or at the very least, make him reconsider what he needed to talk to him about.
But there were things that needed to be said between the two of them- and it was better that it came out sooner, rather than later. It all was starting to make sense now- of course he would want to distance himself from him, considering that he had been under the impression for so long that Edogawa Conan was nothing more than a child. It probably hadn't been easy to interact with him, in light of that- he almost felt bad about pursuing him so much.
Almost.
There were a million things that he wanted to ask, and a million ways that he wanted to start asking them- but in the end, he had settled on just one.
"Yer Kudo, aren't ya?"
"So why did ya make me dress up as ya twice anyways, Kudo?"
"I only made you dress up as me the second time, Hattori."
"Wait, so yer tellin' me I did it the first time cause I wanted ta?"
"Pretty much."
"Damnit."